Etiquette vs family tradition - inviting uninvited guests.

batfacepattermonth

I know this general situation comes up a lot, but I feel like mine might be worth its own thread. I need help!

My family insists on inviting my mom's cousin's adult children (whom I do not know) to my bridal shower, but they are not invited to the wedding. When I found out I said "Oh then we will have to send them invitations to the wedding, too." Then I pretty much got yelled at by the family, saying that "they don't want to come, we don't want them there, why force them to send a gift?" while at the same time saying they MUST come to the shower or they would be offended.

I spent a great deal of time arguing etiquette and my discomfort with the situation (not to mention how nobody is obligated to send me gifts and an invitation is not a summons!!), and they spent a great deal of time arguing, basically, that our family is rude and that's just the way it is. My parents are hosting the wedding, so I can't exactly go behind their back and invite more people, plus I would hate to actually offend anyone in my family or make them feel obligated by sending them an invitation that they supposedly don't want anyway.....

Simply not inviting the cousins to the shower would apparently destroy the family, but apparently so would inviting them to the wedding..... I asked if it would be okay to decline a shower altogether, or have a different no-gifts non-wedding-related type of party instead so everyone could see everyone, but the second idea was laughed off ("we don't do that") and the first idea, my aunt made very clear, would terribly offend her.

So, my family tradition is to throw etiquette out the window. Do I go with it despite my protest? It's apparently been this way for years and "nobody cares." (Clearly my feelings do not matter.....)  Thanks for any advice. (And sorry for being long winded and possibly repetitive)

VeggieLove1022

A shower is to shower the bride with gifts so to ask people for presents, but not care to invite them to your wedding is extremely rude. Be an adult and do what's right. Tell mom or whoever that if these people won't get an invite to the wedding, but are expected to come to the shower that you'll have to not accept money from your parents and you'll pay for the wedding that you and your FI can afford.

NOLAbridealmost

From what I understand, you're saying in your family it is tradition to invite a bunch of people to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding and you have very little control over your guest list to either because they're being hosted by your parents and aunt?

If that's the case you have two options:

1) Pay for your own wedding and plan it without your parent's input and control. Then don't invite the cousins or invite them if they attend the shower and you want to comport with etiquette.  Honestly, for me that would be a bitter pill to swallow because I would have a hard time turning down that kind of generosity, but it's probably your best option if your parents are being that controlling and if the family traditions they want to follow are rude.

2) Just decline the shower. Don't show up. Make it completely clear that you're declining the shower.  Your aunt will get over it.  This will eliminate the inviting uninvited guests to the shower issue.  IMHO it's more desirable to completely offend and piss off your aunt who wants to throw the shower if that means you're not going to offend a bunch of cousins by inviting them to one without the other.  Even though your aunt would technically be committing the etiquette faux pas, it still reflects back on you, ya know?   

mkrupar

ok let me get this straight, your family wants to invite cousins to an actual gift giving event, where it's generally required one bring a gift, but think said cousins would be offended to receive a wedding invitation because the wouldn't want to come and would feel obligated to send a gift?

Have you explained this crazy line of thinking to your parents? Since your parents are paying for the wedding they're the hosts that will commiting the faux pax. If they're ok with that I don't know what else you can say to them to change their mind.

Mrs.B6302007

I'm with Edie.  I think I would have to have a "ultimatum" type of discussion.

Kokes28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-vs-family-tradition-inviting-uninvited-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a614d0-69fc-4cf7-8938-ce5fa412053ePost:d55d14d2-db4c-49e3-9887-e8595a99187f">Re: Etiquette vs family tradition - inviting uninvited guests.</a>:
[QUOTE]From what I understand, you're saying in your family it is tradition to invite a bunch of people to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding and you have very little control over your guest list to either because they're being hosted by your parents and aunt? If that's the case you have two options: 1) Pay for your own wedding and plan it without your parent's input and control. Then don't invite the cousins or invite them if they attend the shower and you want to comport with etiquette.  Honestly, for me that would be a bitter pill to swallow because I would have a hard time turning down that kind of generosity, but it's probably your best option if your parents are being that controlling and if the family traditions they want to follow are rude. 2) Just decline the shower. Don't show up. Make it completely clear that you're declining the shower.  Your aunt will get over it.  This will eliminate the inviting uninvited guests to the shower issue.  IMHO it's more desirable to completely offend and piss off your aunt who wants to throw the shower if that means you're not going to offend a bunch of cousins by inviting them to one without the other.  Even though your aunt would technically be committing the etiquette faux pas, it still reflects back on you, ya know?   <div>
</div><div>Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]</div><div>
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These are two very different extremes you're giving here here. First of all, what if she isn't in a position to be able to plan a wedding and wants her parents involved. I'd be more concerned about my parents feelings if I shoved them out of the wedding planning than I would of said cousins feelings. 
Second, not showing up to a shower that someone is throwing for you would be incredibly rude. I would say, go as extreme as you can but don't do this.  Sit family down and tell them that they either don't invite them to the shower or invite them to both. I mean really, if they arent going to attend the wedding thne whats the worst that will happen? They lose $20 in invites. Like I said, I'd be more concerned about parents feelings than cousins. So, if I were in your position I would please parents by inviting them to the shower, demand they get an invite to the wedding, and leave it at that. If their feelings are hurt becuase htey got invited to the wedding, thats just silly. And who knows, maybe they'll show up!

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VeggieLove1022

NOLA gave great advice and are not extreme in the least bit. NOLA described OP's best options and OP, you should take NOLA's advice. The whole bit about "what if she's in a position to not be able to pay for her own wedding" is ridiculous. If she can't pay for her own wedding then she shouldn't be married. It costs $60 in my state and anything else is bonus. OP can push her date back a year or two and if she doesn't know how to budget over two years for a party then, like I said, she isn't mature enough to be married. OP wouldn't just "not show up" but rather decline the shower even being planned.

redheadfsu

Just turn down the shower. Your parents are wrong here, very wrong. If you do what your parents want you will be being very rude to the cousins and will likely cause family drama for years. So just turn down the shower.

Loopyseven

I too agree with NOLA.  I'd probably turn down the shower if you can't get your parents to agree to invite the cousins or your aunt to not invite the cousins.  

A wedding invitation is not a summons.  If the cousins want to come they can, if they don't want to come they don't have to.  A wedding invitation does not require a gift either.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-vs-family-tradition-inviting-uninvited-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a614d0-69fc-4cf7-8938-ce5fa412053ePost:ef71de1f-3217-46aa-ae46-5631c3ef33a4">Re: Etiquette vs family tradition - inviting uninvited guests.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette vs family tradition - inviting uninvited guests. : These are two very different extremes you're giving here here. First of all, what if she isn't in a position to be able to plan a wedding and wants her parents involved. I'd be more concerned about my parents feelings if I shoved them out of the wedding planning than I would of said cousins feelings.  Second, not showing up to a shower that someone is throwing for you would be incredibly rude. I would say, go as extreme as you can but don't do this.  Sit family down and tell them that they either don't invite them to the shower or invite them to both. I mean really, if they arent going to attend the wedding thne whats the worst that will happen? They lose $20 in invites. Like I said, I'd be more concerned about parents feelings than cousins. So, if I were in your position I would please parents by inviting them to the shower, demand they get an invite to the wedding, and leave it at that. If their feelings are hurt becuase htey got invited to the wedding, thats just silly. And who knows, maybe they'll show up!
Posted by Kokes28[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Kokes, OP has already DONE what your advising.</div><div>
</div><div>She wants to know what to do since that DIDN'T WORK.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm with NOLA, OP: make it clear to the Aunt that its the cousins or you at the shower.

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cebrady89

I think NOLA has pointed out the extreme ends of your options.

I would never think to cut my parents out my wedding planning process, regardless of who is paying. And it would be INCREDIBLY rude to just not show up at a shower someone has planned for you.

What I think NOLA brings up though are two things you could present to your family as options in this case, if they really are unwilling to listen to your opinions. I'm not saying you should DO what NOLA said, but I think bringing up those extremes might show your parents that you're serious. 

That being said, be careful with ultimatums...what if they choose the "wrong" choice? Then you're stuck. 

Talk to other relatives who have gotten married already and see what they have to say about this situation - if it's a family tradition, then maybe they'll have some advice for you as well.

redheadfsu

You tell the host that you have to decline the shower, you don't just not show up. Yes, just not showing would be rude. I declined showers and so have other knotties. The world has gone on and it is usually the best choice with the fewest hurt feelings.

batfacepattermonth

Thanks everyone for adding to this discussion. Let me add another dimension to this that I may not have been clear about before. This "tradition" of inviting distant cousins to showers and not weddings, goes full circle. The cousins I would potentially be excluding from my wedding day have done the exact same thing to me and my first cousins in the past (when I was young and didn't know what was going on). That's what my family is so insistant on, that it's okay to break the rules here, because "we all do it". They ALL think like this. Doesn't make it okay to me, but those are the dynamics.

For the record, I would have been capable of hosting my own wedding, but my parents are traditional, and controlling, lol. But I'm sure that kicking my (controlling) parents out of the situation would not make anything better here, so why bother. Hosting my own wedding would mean fewer guests (the ones close to my parents and not me), however, and save the dates are already out. We'd still have the shower situation too. So what I CAN do, is get my parents used to the idea that if I must, I will be paying for each extra butt at the shower to have a seat at the wedding. I feel like they'll fight it tooth and nail, but I really don't want to hurt my aunt by declining the shower (like I said before, we talked about that possibility together), and she clearly doesn't get it. So after further reflection, I think I've decided the best route to go is to "offend" the etiquette-ignorant cousins by sending them invitations, rather than offend them by not sending invitations. If they're so backwards, I guess I'd rather have people think "What a beyotch, this chick I just met at her shower wants MORE gifts from me" than know in my own mind that I'm being rude by excluding people who were so generous to give a stranger a gift in the first place.  I would hope that they would realize I'm not fishing for gifts, but I can't help if my whole extended family is idiots. Good grief :-).

redheadfsu

Bat, that sounds like a plan. I figured it was a they did it to us thing. You paying for them sounds like a good compromise. Hopefully your parents don't give you too much grief. Good luck!

NOLAbridealmost

I wasn't clear. I didn't mean OP should be acquiescent about the shower and then just not show up. I meant she should make it perfectly clear that she'd be declining the shower and say she won't be attending it if the aunt chose to move forward with the plans anyway. 

MyUserName1

I think you've got the right idea, OP.

Who on earth has ever been offended by receiving a wedding invitation (I'm talking under normal circumstances.  Not facebook invites, B-lists, not inviting spouse, etc.)

batfacepattermonth

I'm with you, Lucy. My entire family dynamic baffles me.

tinstarsunshine

Great solution OP!  It got a little heated on this post but I think your resposne will go a long way in fixing the fun family dysfunction :-) 

Best of luck and happy planning!