Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help

caitlinc09

I have read through several posts about this that and the other situation on sending save the dates being invitations and how you are incredibly rude if you don't invite people you sent save the dates to. However, I really feel that my situation is different:

I'm still in college, graduating right before the wedding. I have some girlfriends I have only known for a couple of years here that I sent save the dates to. Recently I've had not actual "falling out"s with them but just serious issues. Basically, the bottom line on my guest list was I'm only having people who are genuinely happy for me and care about us, period. No guests, no acquaintences. When I don't feel that way anymore about people, I don't want them there and fiance agrees with me. 

I understand wedding etiquette, however, none of my college friends seem to have any idea about wedding etiquette themselves. A group of girls was talking about throwing me a bachelorette party and inviting random people I barely know/who aren't even on the guest list, some girls posted all over facebook when they got my STD, have been asking horribly rude questions...the list goes on.

Since these girls obviously don't know wedding etiquette to begin with, does it really matter at this point? It's not like I'm going to see them after I graduate anyways with the way things are going, and honestly I don't really feel bad about it. 

Thoughts, please! And not just STD = invite, because I do know that.

Thanks!

MyUserName1

two rudes do not make a polite.

You told them to save the date, you invite them to the wedding.

You are seriously considering not inviting people who are planning a bachelorette for you?

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:25d9380e-a355-45b4-8002-c645365a8072">Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]I have read through several posts about this that and the other situation on sending save the dates being invitations and how you are incredibly rude if you don't invite people you sent save the dates to<strong>. However, I really feel that my situation is different</strong>: I'm still in college, graduating right before the wedding. I have some girlfriends I have only known for a couple of years here that I sent save the dates to. Recently I've had not actual "falling out"s with them but just serious issues. Basically, the bottom line on my guest list was I'm only having people who are genuinely happy for me and care about us, period. No guests, no acquaintences. When I don't feel that way anymore about people, I don't want them there and fiance agrees with me.  I understand wedding etiquette, however, none of my college friends seem to have any idea about wedding etiquette themselves. A group of girls was talking about throwing me a bachelorette party and inviting random people I barely know/who aren't even on the guest list, some girls posted all over facebook when they got my STD, have been asking horribly rude questions...the list goes on. Since these girls obviously don't know wedding etiquette to begin with, does it really matter at this point? It's not like I'm going to see them after I graduate anyways with the way things are going, and honestly I don't really feel bad about it.  Thoughts, please! And not just STD = invite, because I do know that. Thanks!
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

No, your situation is not different. Just like 99.9% of the daily posts on this issue.

Not inviting them is a friendship-ending move. And it is incredibly rude... especially considering these women are going through the trouble of planning you a party. You don't like their plans? Decline the party. You said yourself that they "obviously don't know wedding etiquette" - so have you ever thought that perhaps they don't realize what they are asking or have been doing is considered rude?

steffenfam

See,  this is why I am against sending STDs.  So much can change even in the amount of time between sending the STD and the actual wedding invitation.  Plus the extra expense of them plus postage.

Anyway, it sucks but you have to invite them.

dumdumfroggie

Ugh.  You say you know etiquette, so follow it.

[Deleted User]

You're asking an etiquette board for permission to not follow etiquette. You're not going to get it. If you decide not to follow etiquette, that's your choice. Also expect that to be the end of those friendships.

tenofcups4me

Your situation is no different than anyone else who asks this question. You jumped the gun and invited people that maybe you shouldn't have when you sent them STDs. Now you have to actually send them an invitation.

I'm not even following what they've done "wrong" -- they want to make you a party and were excited to get the STDs? Oh, the horror!

graysquirrel

Yes, you should still invite them. However, if you have been having serious relationship issues with them, what are the chances that they will come anyway? If there have been fights/squabbles/hard feelings and things still have not been patched up, I can't see them wanting to go to a party honoring someone they are upset with. I would take the high road and invite them because you essentially already did. Even if they do come, you wont have to see much of them anyway. A quick greeting and then you can move on.

Hilraythebride

I really don't think thats okay.  Don't you think they are just going to call you when it gets closer to the time and just badger you about where their invite is?  zIf they have already made a big deal over the STD's I am sure this will happen.  Then you will have to explain it to them. You really should have thought this out better before you sent the STD.  Even if they don't recieve an invite and you don't hear from them they will most likely still show up!!!

If you don't want them to go I would give them a call and tell them what vthe problem is not just be passive and not sent them an invite.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:25d9380e-a355-45b4-8002-c645365a8072">Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]I have read through several posts about this that and the other situation on sending save the dates being invitations and how you are incredibly rude if you don't invite people you sent save the dates to. However, I really feel that my situation is different: I'm still in college, graduating right before the wedding. I have some girlfriends I have only known for a couple of years here that I sent save the dates to. Recently I've had not actual "falling out"s with them but just serious issues. Basically, the bottom line on my guest list was I'm only having people who are genuinely happy for me and care about us, period. No guests, no acquaintences. When I don't feel that way anymore about people, I don't want them there and fiance agrees with me.  I understand wedding etiquette, however, none of my college friends seem to have any idea about wedding etiquette themselves. A group of girls was talking about throwing me a bachelorette party and inviting random people I barely know/who aren't even on the guest list, some girls posted all over facebook when they got my STD, have been asking horribly rude questions...the list goes on. Since these girls obviously don't know wedding etiquette to begin with, does it really matter at this point? It's not like I'm going to see them after I graduate anyways with the way things are going, and honestly I don't really feel bad about it.  Thoughts, please! <strong>And not just STD = invite, because I do know that. Thanks!</strong>
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

<div>Also, STD =/= invite.  STD = invitation.</div>

caitlinc09

The party thing came out totally wrong, please don't think I'm a horrible person. Let me explain more:

A couple of close friends wanted to do something over christmas and I was really excited about it! I provided a list of girls to invite when it was requested about 2 months prior to the date. I hadn't heard anything about it so about a week before the supposed plans I asked the girl in charge what was going on, and she said she just hadn't heard from anyone who had originally said they would come. Basically noone responded or picked up their phones when we called to see what was up. There was one girl who said she would come and "bring some friends" but the day before backed out entirely, and that left only two of us...so it went from a party for me to...not. Obviously nothing ended up happening because everyone flaked out and didn't care enough to respond. 

Maybe I'm just bitter about this, I don't know. But I feel like doing that was incredibly rude and there's no point in inviting them to the wedding now, at this rate they would RSVP yes and then not show up. 

BinxRose

So, what do you want? Validation? Because you're not going to get it. Your situation is not, in fact, different from everyone else. If you send someone an STD, you need to send them an invite. Granted, you're going to do what you want. So don't send them an invite if you don't want. Just realize that it's rude, and a friendship-ending move.

caitlinc09

A couple of valuable responses, thank you. 

Please don't be sassy or rude, I think we all come here for help, not attitude.

It's not that I want to be passive agressive and just not invite them to prove a point, it's at this point I don't really want them there in general. I don't want to make people angry. 

I also didn't even consider that they may show up anyways...good point. Has anyone heard of this happening?

[Deleted User]

You're in college and you're upset that your friends weren't available over Xmas break? Don't most people go home during that time?

MyUserName1

Binx, your cat is pretty.

That is my contribution to the furtherance of this discussion.  YW!

BinxRose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:5d5d4ffc-4d87-439b-94aa-3975692da89b">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]A couple of valuable responses, thank you.  <strong>Please don't be sassy or rude, I think we all come here for help, not attitude</strong>. It's not that I want to be passive agressive and just not invite them to prove a point, it's at this point I don't really want them there in general. I don't want to make people angry.  I also didn't even consider that they may show up anyways...good point. Has anyone heard of this happening?
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

Don't tell people how to post.

caitlinc09

SO's are invited in some situations. Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited. If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs.

No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions. 

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:c0545ef9-2da6-4485-aef0-bbd9aff04f59">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]The party thing came out totally wrong, please don't think I'm a horrible person. Let me explain more: A couple of close friends wanted to do something over christmas and I was really excited about it! I provided a list of girls to invite when it was requested about 2 months prior to the date. I hadn't heard anything about it so about a week before the supposed plans I asked the girl in charge what was going on, and she said she just hadn't heard from anyone who had originally said they would come. Basically noone responded or picked up their phones when we called to see what was up. There was one girl who said she would come and "bring some friends" but the day before backed out entirely, and that left only two of us...so it went from a party for me to...not. Obviously nothing ended up happening because everyone flaked out and didn't care enough to respond.  Maybe I'm just bitter about this, I don't know. But I feel like doing that was incredibly rude and there's no point in inviting them to the wedding now, at this rate they would RSVP yes and then not show up. 
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

A wedding is a lot different from a party, imo but yes I can see how that would be disappointing and I would be hurt. I think you need to let it go though and move on. Not sending them an invite is still rude and a friendship ending move.

BinxRose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:2078e984-d19d-43c1-9ab7-f78c3e581939">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]Binx, your cat is pretty. That is my contribution to the furtherance of this discussion.  YW!
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Thank you! He's half-Persian so he has a squishy face :)

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:c36c161d-095a-467d-bab9-b593a637f7e9">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions. 
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
Then I have your solution: invite them.

caitlinc09

I'm not trying to tell you how to post, it's just when it's negativity vs. constructive criticism is really doesn't help anyone. 

I guess if you haven't been through the same thing you don't get it. I will probably end up sending them invites anyways...ugh.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:c36c161d-095a-467d-bab9-b593a637f7e9">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>SO's are invited in some situations</strong>. Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited. If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs. No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions. 
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

<div>Clearly the statement you made in your original post about understanding etiquette was false.</div>

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:25d9380e-a355-45b4-8002-c645365a8072">Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]I have read through several posts about this that and the other situation on sending save the dates being invitations and how you are incredibly rude if you don't invite people you sent save the dates to. However, I really feel that my situation is different: I'm still in college, graduating right before the wedding. I have some girlfriends I have only known for a couple of years here that I sent save the dates to. Recently I've had not actual "falling out"s with them but just serious issues. Basically, the bottom line on my guest list was I'm only having people who are genuinely happy for me and care about us, period. No guests, no acquaintences. When I don't feel that way anymore about people, I don't want them there and fiance agrees with me.  I understand wedding etiquette, however, none of my college friends seem to have any idea about wedding etiquette themselves. A group of girls was talking about throwing me a bachelorette party and inviting random people I barely know/who aren't even on the guest list, some girls posted all over facebook when they got my STD, have been asking horribly rude questions...the list goes on. Since these girls obviously don't know wedding etiquette to begin with, does it really matter at this point? It's not like I'm going to see them after I graduate anyways with the way things are going, and honestly I don't really feel bad about it.  Thoughts, please! <strong>And not just STD = invite, because I do know that. Thanks!
</strong>Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]


If you know this, then why are you asking this question?  Your situation is not different at all. 

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:c36c161d-095a-467d-bab9-b593a637f7e9">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]SO's are invited in some situations. <strong>Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited.</strong> If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have <strong>only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates</strong>. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs. No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions. 
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

RUDE.

FI and I were engaged in less than 8 months of dating. Who are you to tell me that my relationship with him wasn't valid or serious simply because we hadn't been together for more than one year?

EVERYONE who considers themself "in a relationship" should get their SO invited BY NAME. End of story.

Clearly your friends aren't the only ones who either don't know or are choosing to ignore etiquette.

mari0225

All couples should be invited regardless of how long they've been in a relationship should be invited to the wedding, I have a friend who was engaged after only dating her bf 5 months, I think they considered themselves to be a pretty strong relationship.

froggatt.clare

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:c36c161d-095a-467d-bab9-b593a637f7e9">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>SO's are invited in some situations</strong>. Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited. If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs. No I do not want validation, <strong>I want ideas and solutions. </strong>
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

Bolded 1: SO invitations should not be up to your discretion; you invite couples as a couple.  Social units should not be invited separately.  Some people have an age cutoff, which could be appropriate in your case since many of your friends are still in college.  I'm warning you now that this is breaking etiquette and people may flame you for this.

Bolded 2: People are giving you the ideas and solutions that do not break etiquette.  We are not going to say its ok not to invite your friends because this is an etiquette board and we are not going to lie to you.  PPs have told you again and again that it is rude, and there is no polite solution unless you invite these people.  Alternately, you could not invite them, and probably end the friendships.

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:c36c161d-095a-467d-bab9-b593a637f7e9">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]SO's are invited in some situations. Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited. If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs. No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions. 
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but you clearly don't understand etiquette at all.  If someone is in a relationship at the time that invitations go out, they get invited with their SO by name (not by and guest).  A relationship is a relationship whether it is 8 days long or 8 years long.  A wedding is not an opportunity to judge the seriousness of your friends' relationships.  I was engaged at 6 months, but according to you, we aren't serious enough. 

baystateapple

It is not up to you, OP, to determine whether someone's relationship is "serious" or not.  Everyone with a SO should be invited together.

And yes, if you sent out a STD, you need to send an invitation.  None of the reasons you described are reasons for rescinding an invitation.

mrsjmwolfe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:512e5fda-6c7d-48f6-8c45-f711e187cf19">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not trying to tell you how to post, it's just when it's negativity vs. constructive criticism is really doesn't help anyone.  I guess if you haven't been through the same thing you don't get it. I will probably end up sending them invites anyways...ugh.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

Hi! I usually lurk, but feel that I am little bit in the same situation. I haven't sent any STDs, so I don't think I am as committed as you are to inviting people but many people I work with think they are invited. I won't go into the details but they are not invited. ANYWAY! I'm sure everyone is going to think I lack ettiquette too, but I know how you feel! I think that if you know what the results will be.. friendship ending, some people will talk some sh!t, etc. then go ahead and not invite them. If you don't want them there and you feel they'll bring negativity, then honestly, you don't need anyone's approval or advice on this board--- do what you want! I hate when people argue with people on these boards and give snarky answers.. do what feels right to you but just know the consequences! :)

MyUserName1

Um, if you  haven't sent save the dates or told them they were invited, then it isn't rude to not invite people who are assuming they're invited. Not the same thing.

RebeccaB88

I bet OP is having a cash bar, too. 

OP, stop arguing your case and listen to what you've been told.  We're trying to tell you how to not royally piss off all your friends.  Your situation is not different.  Everything you read before you posted your question still applies to you.  Put on your big girl panties and do what's right. 

What's right =  invite all those who received STDs, invite all SO's of people who are invited.  Period.  You wanted solutions, and you got them. You just don't like them.