Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help

matt&brit

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:fd8f8618-deb3-45e9-8780-8a4c16e35ec0">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help : Hi! I usually lurk, but feel that I am little bit in the same situation. I haven't sent any STDs, so I don't think I am as committed as you are to inviting people but many people I work with think they are invited. I won't go into the details but they are not invited. ANYWAY! I'm sure everyone is going to think I lack ettiquette too, but I know how you feel! I think that if you know what the results will be.. friendship ending, some people will talk some sh!t, etc. then go ahead and not invite them. If you don't want them there and you feel they'll bring negativity, then honestly, you don't need anyone's approval or advice on this board--- do what you want! I hate when people argue with people on these boards and give snarky answers.. do what feels right to you but just know the consequences! :)
Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]


THIS!!!!!!!

mrsjmwolfe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:7e131a0c-0994-4ce7-8f42-4d6cc3f0094a">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]Um, if you  haven't sent save the dates or told them they were invited, then it isn't rude to not invite people who are assuming they're invited. Not the same thing.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]


I said that, thanks.

Megbo2012

Why are you asking the Etiquette board how to twist/break etiquette so you can get your way? Considering you've read other threads similar to this, I would think you would know what everyone's response would be. IDGI 

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:ab13f475-d08f-4abb-969f-36dc4217034f">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help : I said that, thanks.
Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]

<div>Now who is being Snarky? I smell a hypo. </div>

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:fd8f8618-deb3-45e9-8780-8a4c16e35ec0">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help : <strong>Hi! I usually lurk, but feel that I am little bit in the same situation. I haven't sent any STDs,</strong> so I don't think I am as committed as you are to inviting people but many people I work with think they are invited. I won't go into the details but they are not invited. ANYWAY! I'm sure everyone is going to think I lack ettiquette too, but I know how you feel! I think that if you know what the results will be.. friendship ending, some people will talk some sh!t, etc. then go ahead and not invite them. If you don't want them there and you feel they'll bring negativity, then honestly, you don't need anyone's approval or advice on this board--- do what you want! I hate when people argue with people on these boards and give snarky answers.. do what feels right to you but just know the consequences! :)
Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]

You aren't in the same situation.  You don't have to invite those people, because you haven't invited them already.  OP has already invited them, so she's stuck.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:ab13f475-d08f-4abb-969f-36dc4217034f">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help : I said that, thanks.
Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]

oh, so it's okay when you argue and are snarky.  got it.

strlzfan11

If you come to an etiquette board looking for advice, you're going to get advice that falls in line with etiquette.  If you choose to not follow etiquette that's on you, but you need to be prepared to accept the consequences if you don't.  Don't come back here crying or complaining because your friends are pissed at you for either a) taking back the invitation or b) not inviting their SOs.

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:dbdfe4d1-7966-46d9-9e59-314ba387da46">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help : oh, so it's okay when you argue and are snarky.  got it.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>Of course it's ok, her situation is <em>different.</em></div>

MyUserName1

Oh, and i like your new sig Meg!  (I haven't "seen" you since you changed it)  Your face is pretty and stuff.

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:db22e155-846a-4420-838b-f3014d310afd">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and i like your new sig Meg!  (I haven't "seen" you since you changed it)  Your face is pretty and stuff.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>Aww you are too cute. Thanks!</div>

mollyehren

Lots of relationships are serious within a year. By the time I have my wedding in June I will go to 4 wedings where the couples all met an got engaged (or married) with a year of meeting.  At one year we where ring shopping and I woul be pisse if I wasn't inclue as a SO on my fiancees invite.

musicalsunlight

Bottom line here: If you dont invite them, expect consequences, whatever they may be. It doesn't make it ok etiquette wise but that is your decision to do or not. You know now that you are not the exception to the rule.

pgcp

SNOWFLAKE!!!!

Seriously, there is nothing special about your situation.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:26480e20-1923-4187-b575-2348b5f963c0">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]Bottom line here: If you dont invite them, expect consequences, whatever they may be. It doesn't make it ok etiquette wise but that is your decision to do or not. You know now that you are not the exception to the rule.
Posted by musicalsunlight[/QUOTE]

This.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:92952225-0c22-475c-9d43-e3d963d0e798">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]There are 2 reasons to disinvite wedding guests: 1) In the time between sending the initial invitation and the wedding, the relationship ended in a nasty breakup, is completely and totally over, and bad blood remains between the host and the guest to the point where their presence would be inappropriate. 2) In the time between the initial invitation and the wedding, the guest has proven themselves incapable of behaving in a way that does not spoil the event for the other guests. (Ex: the guest has become a heroin addict, the guest has been discovered to be a sex criminal and will endanger the safety of other guests.) If the girls really aren't your friends any more, they just won't come, so don't worry about sending invites. If you're worried about girls showing up deliberately to ruin the party, they'd fall under #2 and therefore can be disinvited. Also, you should extend dates to people who are in openly serious relationships. I had a no-randoms rule for my wedding, rather than a set cutoff date, and it worked.<strong> If you're in a semi-serious relationship and can't go somewhere alone, you're codependent and need a therapist, not a date.</strong>
Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]

Okay, that's a bit of a straw man arguement.  It's not like it's a trip to the drugstore.  Lots of people don't want to be alone in social situations, they'd rather be with their SO.  That isn't co-dependency.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:92952225-0c22-475c-9d43-e3d963d0e798">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]There are 2 reasons to disinvite wedding guests: 1) In the time between sending the initial invitation and the wedding, the relationship ended in a nasty breakup, is completely and totally over, and bad blood remains between the host and the guest to the point where their presence would be inappropriate. 2) In the time between the initial invitation and the wedding, the guest has proven themselves incapable of behaving in a way that does not spoil the event for the other guests. (Ex: the guest has become a heroin addict, the guest has been discovered to be a sex criminal and will endanger the safety of other guests.) If the girls really aren't your friends any more, they just won't come, so don't worry about sending invites. If you're worried about girls showing up deliberately to ruin the party, they'd fall under #2 and therefore can be disinvited. Also, you should extend dates to people who are in openly serious relationships. I had a no-randoms rule for my wedding, rather than a set cutoff date, and it worked.<strong> If you're in a semi-serious relationship and can't go somewhere alone, you're codependent and need a therapist, not a date.</strong>
Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Ummm... ok.  There's a difference between can't and doesn't want to.  People shouldn't have to go to weddings without their SOs, that's why that rule exists.</div><div>
</div><div>And your two rules about who can be disinvited?  Really?

</div>

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:92952225-0c22-475c-9d43-e3d963d0e798">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]There are 2 reasons to disinvite wedding guests: 1) In the time between sending the initial invitation and the wedding, the relationship ended in a nasty breakup, is completely and totally over, and bad blood remains between the host and the guest to the point where their presence would be inappropriate. 2) In the time between the initial invitation and the wedding, the guest has proven themselves incapable of behaving in a way that does not spoil the event for the other guests. (Ex: the guest has become a heroin addict, the guest has been discovered to be a sex criminal and will endanger the safety of other guests.) If the girls really aren't your friends any more, they just won't come, so don't worry about sending invites. If you're worried about girls showing up deliberately to ruin the party, they'd fall under #2 and therefore can be disinvited. Also, you should extend dates to people who are in openly serious relationships. I had a no-randoms rule for my wedding, rather than a set cutoff date, and it worked. <strong>If you're in a semi-serious relationship and can't go somewhere alone, you're codependent and need a therapist, not a date.</strong>
Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]

Wrong, and a little harsh.  Plenty of people are independent and just don't want to go to a social engagement by themselves.  Especially a social engagement that revolves around a romantic relationship.

sharp0099

OP like all the ladies said, you sent them a STD so you should send them an invitation because they havn't done anything to warrant being uninvited.

You mentioned they attempted to schedule your bachelorette around Christmas. I'm thinking everyone could've been busy with the holidays.

If they'e involved in any other pre-wedding parties, politely let them know you don't want anyone invited that isn't invited to the wedding since it'd be rude.

Also I'd include a plus one for anyone who's in a relationship. It doesn't matter if they've been together for one for a month or ten years.

Good luck.

kwilliams111012

Sorry, OP - if you want to follow rules of etiquette, you must invite those you sent STDs to.  However, if you want to be rude, by all means don't invite them.  Simple as that.  Your choice.

caitlinc09

PS I don't have a cash bar.

Sorry I can't afford/don't want to pay for people who I don't like at my wedding. 

I didn't go into detail. How about the boyfriends who treat me horribly or have bad blood with fiance? 

Don't assume unless you know. 

Thank you to the productive people on this post, I genuinely appreciate your input and advice. 

Snarky people, enjoy living life with a stick up your ass.

caitlinc09

I just realized some of you sound exactly like these girls I'm talking about! What a fine example.

Snippylynn

baystateapple

Caitlin, we can only respond to the information you give us.  It's not "assuming" if you don't provide the whole story.

Clearly you came to this board, not looking for real answers, but for someone to validate your poor etiquette.  Nobody is going to.  So as Cfas said, go on with your plan to not invite these people.  But be prepared for the fall out that will inevitably occur.

graysquirrel

Ok, if you really hate these people, don't invite them. But on the E board you will be told what is considered rude and what isn't. That is what etiquette is! If you are truly done with those people, then this will probably be a friendship ending move and that is why everyone is telling you to save face, be the bigger person, and just send the invitation.

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:6f435839-4a2b-4214-bd4b-e4b987441a38">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]PS I don't have a cash bar. Sorry I can't afford/don't want to pay for people who I don't like at my wedding.  I didn't go into detail. How about the boyfriends who treat me horribly or have bad blood with fiance?  Don't assume unless you know.  Thank you to the productive people on this post, I genuinely appreciate your input and advice.  <strong>Snarky people, enjoy living life with a stick up your ass.
</strong>Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

Hey, if this is how you treat people who don't validate your bad behaviour, I don't blame them for not showing up at your b-party.  Who needs enemies when people like you are their friends. 

Enjoy your wedding, you will have few friends afterwards, and I hope it's worth it. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:6f435839-4a2b-4214-bd4b-e4b987441a38">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]Snarky people, enjoy living life with a stick up your ass.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
Sod off, hypocrite.

kinsey0628

Hi OP
So, I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation.  It is sucky, and you are kind of stuck.

I get what you are saying about the B-party.  I would be hurt too.  Yes parties are certainly gifts and not obligations, but I'd be put off if someone SAID they were going to throw me a party, then just ambiguosly flaked out, leaving me standing there like wtf?  I'd rather just have had them NOT bother in the first place.  If you can't do something right, don't do it at all, and especially don't try to take credit for doing some good deed... (that's my own pet peeve).  I don't know your whole situation, but if you are describing it right, it sounds like they were lame about it.  Even if you offer to throw someone a party and are then unable, at least TELL that person directly "I'm sorry I am no longer able to host / throw this party."

Anyway, whatever.  As others have mentioned, it was over xmas break and sounds like your friendships are drifting apart anyway.

Etiquette-wise, it really IS clear what to do.  If I was in your position, I'd probably be inclined to just suck it up and invite the girls and really hope they don't come.  And if they were "truly single" as the line goes, I wouldn't give them a +1.  I do agree with not splitting up dating couples, etc.. but if I was really regretting the STDs, I'd not give +1s to a single person (which in general I think you SHOULD give plus ones, if you can).

It sounds like your friendships are about over anyway, so how do you want them to end?  You can say "I invited them to my wedding, but they never came."  Or they can say "She sent us an STD, but then didn't even invite us to the wedding."  Might as well take the high road.  Then at least YOU haven't burnt any bridges.  You might not ever see them again, OR you never know when you WILL run into these people way down the line... as you are really young, just now leaving college.

caitlinc09

Kinsey, this is the type of response I am looking for, thank you for your thoughts and being constructive and not rude.

I do understand the plus one thing, it's just really difficult when my mother is breathing down my neck "every time you talk to someone, think to yourself, are they really worth $75 each?"

Then again...If I cut these girls, more people will be able to bring +1s! lol. We will see. 

I have a question about the SO argument though:

I do get that relationships get serious quickly sometimes! I'm never questioning that. Suppose 2 months before the wedding after invitations have already been sent a couple gets together and one of them was invited. Is it proper to invite them too last minute? It's a serious question because I feel like this would happen to me. 

Everyone, once again, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR VALIDATION. Idiots. I am happy to agree to disagree with people, that's a fine thing, and I believe that's what this board is here for. 

If a friend came to you upset about something, is this how you would treat them? I surely hope not. 

chrmun

"Please give me your advice, unless it's what I already know to be the correct answer.  Under no circumstances tell me anything that I don't want to hear, because I'm going to do what I want anyway, but I'd really like to get someone to co-sign my A-hole move before I make it." 

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:6f435839-4a2b-4214-bd4b-e4b987441a38">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]PS I don't have a cash bar.

<strong>Good, you did something right. </strong> 

Sorry I can't afford/don't want to pay for people who I don't like at my wedding. 

<strong>If you don't like them and don't want them there, then why did you send them an STD?  Obligation?  Too much excitement?   Even if you've drifted apart, it's still the proper thing to do to invite them anyway.  If they don't like you back, they will probably not go, and then you're fine. </strong>

I didn't go into detail. How about the boyfriends who treat me horribly or have bad blood with fiance? 

<strong>Did you send them an STD? Because if you did, then you're stuck.  I can understand not wanting them there.  But if, for some strange reason, you sent them an STD, then they're invited.  That mistake is on you.  But if they didn't get an STD, then you're in the clear and not obligated to anything. </strong>

Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]