Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help

rebarobert2012

You should still invite them.  This is why it is a good idea to send save the dates only to the people you know for certain you will want to invite.  If you've had a falling out, it is very likely they will decline anyway.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:0a9c3be7-86d7-4aa0-a87b-e0c9c86ea194">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]Kinsey, this is the type of response I am looking for, thank you for your thoughts and being constructive and not rude. I do understand the plus one thing, it's just really difficult when my mother is breathing down my neck "every time you talk to someone, think to yourself, are they really worth $75 each?" Then again...If I cut these girls, more people will be able to bring +1s! lol. We will see.  I have a question about the SO argument though: I do get that relationships get serious quickly sometimes! I'm never questioning that. Suppose 2 months before the wedding after invitations have already been sent a couple gets together and one of them was invited. Is it proper to invite them too last minute? It's a serious question because I feel like this would happen to me.  Everyone, once again, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR VALIDATION. <strong>Idiots.</strong> I am happy to agree to disagree with people, that's a fine thing, and I believe that's what this board is here for.  If a friend came to you upset about something, is this how you would treat them? I surely hope not. 
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

Calling people names is a great way to be banned.  No one called you an idiot.

matt&brit

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:6f435839-4a2b-4214-bd4b-e4b987441a38">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]PS I don't have a cash bar. Sorry I can't afford/don't want to pay for people who I don't like at my wedding.  I didn't go into detail. How about the boyfriends who treat me horribly or have bad blood with fiance?  Don't assume unless you know.  Thank you to the productive people on this post, I genuinely appreciate your input and advice.  <strong>Snarky people, enjoy living life with a stick up your ass</strong>.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

Love it!

matt&brit

[QUOTE]MattBrit -- Thank you for your really useful contribution to the thread. *sarcasm* Happy planning!
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]


I sent her a private message telling her how I felt so I did my contribution, but thanks for assuming!

soontobemrsep

Wow, this has kept me utterly amused on my lunch break.
Here is my two cents, and I'm giving it from experience.

A few years ago my 'friend' was getting married, right before she sent out her STD's we got into a disagreement that was petty. What did she do? She sent a STD to my fiance and only him, who was my serious boyfriend at the time, and then never sent him an invite. My FI and her H were really good friends, but my FI felt that it was extremely rude to send him and only him a STD... Then when an invite never came that ended their frienship as well. I am going to tell you right now, the disagreement we had was about who to invite out for a girls night out... nothing wedding related. It was petty. But we were also 22 and in college and everything seemed like a big deal at the time. Her acts ended our friendship and any chance of building it back up. To this day, I still am baffled by her choice of actions.

Your acts will ultimately END these frienships forever. People do not forget these types of blatant actions.  If you don't like them anymore I can guarantee you they are aware of that and won't show up anyways. If they do show up looking to make a scene or anything they will feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable as soon as they set foot in there, as I'm sure your friends who are aware of the bad blood between you will make it awkward for them by staring and gasping.

If you can honestly say that these friendships mean nothing to you then don't invite them, but if you realize that yes, people change and they may change for the better or for the worse, invite them and try to further your friendship with them...
Girls are girls, they're going to gossip, once word gets out that you sent them STD and not invites peoples perceptions towards you will change too, even those who are close to you.

Good luck!

kinsey0628

Caitlin, I actually don't know the official answer about the +1 question you are saying if a single person gets in a relationship between the time of the invite going out and the wedding.  However, I THINK etiquette-wise, you SHOULD actually then extend the invitation to their new SO.

Also, I have to say another thing that jumped out at me in your original post was how you said you "only want people there who are positive and supportive of YOU and yoru relationship."

So YES, I totally GET what you are saying and what you mean by that.. however, I think that the wedding industry has sort of perpetrated this whole notion that WEDDINGS are all about the BRIDE and ENTITLEMENT!  So you are certainly not the first bride to come on here, thinking that way.  Actually, someone, I think it was "Retread Bride" possible wrote a really great, long post at the end of a thread that died a couple days ago about the wedding industry.  The thread was titled "Why are you guys so mean" or something like that.  The very last post on there was really good about the wedding industry and how it perpetrates this notion of ME BRIDE ME BRIDE GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!  Etc.

HOWEVER, what I have learned from lurking around these etiquette boards is that is NOT a good attitude to have!  I know that sounds bad and like an obvious thing to have known already, not to be selfish.  But actually, I originally came here because I had friends getting married and felt bad about myself for being single.  So I haven't ever even planned a wedding myself or whatever, so NO I don't really KNOW what it's like. I am more of an outsider here.

So ACTUALLY, the people who come to your wedding to be there to celebrate with you are kind of doing YOU a favor, rather than the other way around.  To that end, it's on YOU to be a good and gracious HOST and try to make sure everyone has the best time that they can.  That's what this whole etiquette board is really about, how to HOST a good wedding for your guests.  That's why hosts extend plus one's to people when they can, bc who woudln't rather go to a social engagement with a date, whether it's a boyfriend or sister?  Thats why you serve them dinner, etc.

People say this on here a lot, your reception is a thank you to the guests for coming out to help you celebrate.  And it's true if you think about it.  If you weren't the one getting married, would you necessarily WANT to go to a wedding?? I mean, YES weddings are obviously fun and everything, but as a guest you ARE going out of your way to go help someone else celebrate.  It's a great thing all around, for sure.. but it's just not a situation where getting married or becoming a bride automatically entitles you to start GETTING stuff all around.

Also, it IS too bad that your mom is whispering that $75 dollar a plate thing into your ear.  I dont' know anything else about your Mom, so I'm not trying to judge or say anything negative about her character, but that statement by itself sounds like it is actually NOT coming from the same place that good etiquette comes from.

None of this is meant as a person attack on you.  This whole thing happens to a lot of new people who come and post on here.  They post questions about breaking etiquette and the feedback comes back loud and harsh, bc ppl are tired of seeing the same questions all the time.  I know it's hard to sift past getting your feelings hurt like that, hell you probably have a tougher skin than I do.. but try to look past the harshness if you can and see that people really are just telling you what etiquette dictates. 

And as many others HAVE said... sure if you want to break etiquette and NOT send the invitations, go for it.  But it still IS breaking etiquette.

Etiquette knows no excuses!

calibud8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:abcf63fd-705e-41be-9a2a-565d5f7c4ea5">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help : No, your situation is not different. Just like 99.9% of the daily posts on this issue. Not inviting them is a friendship-ending move. And it is incredibly rude... especially considering these women are going through the trouble of planning you a party. You don't like their plans? Decline the party. You said yourself that they "obviously don't know wedding etiquette" - so have you ever thought that perhaps they don't realize what they are asking or have been doing is considered rude?
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

everything she said. 

calibud8

Looking at my own list of STD folks...sure, there are a few I'd like to cut to save money.  However, I'm not about to do it.  I'd much rather cut $75 off of decorations or something else. 

I can, however, think of only one sort of situation this would be ok.

A few years back, I got an STD for a wedding for a co-worker.  About 3 months before the wedding, she lost her job.  She called me in tears telling me she had to massively cut her list.

From an e- standpoint, it was rude....but reasonable.  However, life happens.  And she was obviously upset by it.  We are still friends to this day because she was open and honest.

However, had she not called and not sent an invite?  I'd be pretty upset at the overall rudeness of it.

Bottom line OP: a wedding doesn't give you an excuse to be rude.

mellimel19

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:fd8f8618-deb3-45e9-8780-8a4c16e35ec0">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that if you know what the results will be.. friendship ending, some people will talk some sh!t, etc. then go ahead and not invite them. If you don't want them there and you feel they'll bring negativity, then honestly, you don't need anyone's approval or advice on this board--- do what you want! I hate when people argue with people on these boards and give snarky answers.. do what feels right to you but just know the consequences! :)
Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]

Fair enough, but if what you want to do is break the rules of etiquette, you shouldn't really be asking for advice and opinions on an etiquette board.

Meghannsix

I was a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding, and had been dating my boyfriend for over a year at the time.  True, he turned out to be a two-timing jerk, but I was pissed for a very long time that I was not allowed to bring a date, it felt demeaning, especially since almost everyone else there was in couples.  But hey, your situation is "different", maybe it will work out.  If you're going to get married, you should try to act like an adult.

edit:  I think I didn't clearly mention, I was invited without my SO, not nice of her, and clearly against ettiquette

caitlinc09

Kinsey, well put. Thank you for your honesty.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to try and help others on here. I just feel like a lot of us - yes, me too - need to think carefully before we word posts on here. Fair enough?

Happy planning everyone.

kinsey0628

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sent-out-save-dates-college-friends-now-dont-want-invitehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9a97d99-78b4-4c4d-ad54-05d2a7d1f465Post:da9a190a-250c-4103-936e-caa5b284c37b">Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help</a>:
[QUOTE]Holy balls, that was a long post.  Talk about pulling a Cindy.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]


Who is Cindy/what's her story?  Doesn't sound like you are trying to give me a compliment.. :)

Yeah, it was super long.  Did you actually read it?  Just curious, NBD.

EDIT: Caitlin, good luck planning to you as well

Snippylynn

Nicely done Kinsey. When you do get to plan, you'll be fabulous.

HoonahGrace

I understand abreviating words makes for quicker posts (sometimes), but can't you think of something else for Save the Date other than "STD"?