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Bachelorette Party Trips

Whenwe first asked our bridal party they started talking about a trip for the bachelorette, and since a lot of our close friends are couples someone suggested a joint trip. We looked at dates and found one that worked for everyone, and started looking at hotels. Even back then we said that if hotels were too expensive that weekend (there are a couple big events going on) then we would look at other weekends.

Now the best man cannot go the weekend we had talked about. It's not really in his control and FI obviously doesn't want to have his party without him. We looked at other weekends and there is one that works for everyone except one bm. She is free on the weekend but she had been planning to take Friday and Monday off work and she wouldn't be able to the new weekend. The trip is supposed to be Fri and Sat nights and is about a 4 hour car or train ride away. Some people were planning on taking the day off Friday and going up in he morning and some were just coming after work. Saturday would be the actual bach party night. She wants us to keep the original weekend and just do a girls only trip, she's already requested off (even though we had said it wasn't set in stone). Everyone else wants to switch to the new weekend and she would just have to come up after work and not have the whole extra day off Monday to rest.

I am leaning towards switching weekends or just canceling the whole thing, I don't feel like we should cancel on all the guys just to make it more convenient for one person. I know I should stay out of it but since there are a few people on my FIs side (the best man) that don't really know everyone, and since it's an OOT trip that my FI will be taking off work for, we kind of have to be involved in picking the date. I tried telling them to decide but they all want to know what I want to do and I just don't know what the right thing is. Sorry for the long post, but WWYD? Kick the guys out of the trip, tell the one BM that I understand it's inconvenient for her but that's the only weekend that will work and it's okay if she doesn't come, or just cancel the whole thing?
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Re: Bachelorette Party Trips

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    The first weekend the best man can't go. The second weekend the bridesmaid cant go. If I were the bridesmaid, I'd be hurt that the weekend was changed to accomodate one person and then not changed to accomodate me. Id keep the trips seperate so both the bridesmaid and the best man could go.
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    Is there a way to cancel the trips and do something local over the weekend?
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    amalamaamalama member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:c3bb78cf-d5b6-4987-921d-b294975c45bf">Re:Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]The first weekend the best man can't go. The second weekend the bridesmaid cant go. If I were the bridesmaid, I'd be hurt that the weekend was changed to accomodate one person and then not changed to accomodate me. Id keep the trips seperate so both the bridesmaid and the best man could go.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    <div>I guess the difference to me is that she CAN go, she just doesn't want to. The best man actually cannot, he has a family thing the whole weekend and will be out of state. And seperate trips is not on option, I think that would work out to be more expensive for most of the couples than one trip and I don't think they could afford it. So if we do just girls FI wouldn't do a trip for his. Which he said he was okay with but the other BMs and the guys invited are upset about that. Maybe just forgetting the whole thing is the way to go.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:8cf1ce3c-0d90-4bf9-9b3b-415db85c8d29">Re:Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bachelorette Party Trips : Your OP said that she couldn't take off from work that weekend. If she can't get off from work, then she can't go.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm sorry, no she cannot take off the Friday, but she could come after like half the other people are doing anyway. The party would not be until Saturday night, a few people who can take the time off are just going up early. And she hasn't asked about the Monday (we are coming back Sunday but she wants a day off to rest), but she doesn't think she can have that day either and she wanted a 4 day weekend.</div>
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    SInce there's no time when everyone can go, and separate trips are not an option, I'd forget the whole thing.
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    I think we're just going to cancel it, I just would think that when planning a trip with so many people you would expect to not get everything exactly how you want it and would be a little flexible. It's just frustrating because everyone was really looking forward to it.
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    Id also keep them seperate like PPs have suggested. Im all about going crazy during your bachelorette party (obv not doing anything that would compromise my relationship) & Im looking forward to spending the time with my girls only. I dont think I would have as much of a good time if FI & his guys were around. Do something local so you dont have to the travel expenses.
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    Separate the parties, and make them local.

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    If you refuse to separate the parties, or make them local, you can switch weekends, but be prepared for that bridesmaid to be hurt and annoyed, rightly so. Just because she can come up late, doesn't mean it's not a slap in her face that you are all changing things to work around the best man's schedule and not hers. I think canceling the whole thing (unless you do local stuff) will make that one bridesmaid feel even worse because it will look like her fault. Even if you are mad at her, she's your friend, and you wouldn't want that...
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:825fb4ca-2228-42bb-b17e-1f20b551d83e">Re: Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you refuse to separate the parties, or make them local, you can switch weekends, but be prepared for that bridesmaid to be hurt and annoyed, rightly so. Just because she can come up late, doesn't mean it's not a slap in her face that you are all changing things to work around the best man's schedule and not hers. <strong>I think canceling the whole thing (unless you do local stuff) will make that one bridesmaid feel even worse because it will look like her fault.</strong> Even if you are mad at her, she's your friend, and you wouldn't want that...
    Posted by orangehills[/QUOTE]

    <div>I already said that I think we are just going to have to cancel, I'm not really sure how I can avoid that. Going ahead with it and uninviting the guys IMO would be worse and hurt all of their feelings. And the other girls are not to happy with that idea either. So yeah, it looks like her fault but how am I supposed to avoid that? And no I don't want to hurt her feelings, I'm not mad, it's just really frustrating.</div>
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    Honestly, I'd just stick with the weekend that works with the majority of the people. Does the BM know the others who are going up Saturday morning or Friday after work? That could be a reason as to why she doesn't wnat to change the weekend - I wouldn't want to ride in a car for 4 hrs with someone I don't really know. If she does know them, maybe subtly see if someone would be willing to give her a ride or suggest that she rides with them? I think canceling the whole thing will make her feel like it's her fault.
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    It kind of seems like you're throwing your bridesmaid under the bus because she doesnt want to switch weekends.  Honestly, if she can't take any time off from work, I don't blame her.  I would feel exactly the same way, especially if she has a busy, high stress job.  Moving to accomodate the best man when it creates an inconvenience to your bridesmaid just seems inconsiderate.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:aefa44ca-81de-4b26-8772-c1d62e35d2e2">Re: Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]It kind of seems like you're throwing your bridesmaid under the bus because she doesnt want to switch weekends.  Honestly, if she can't take any time off from work, I don't blame her.  I would feel exactly the same way, especially if she has a busy, high stress job.  Moving to accomodate the best man when it creates an inconvenience to your bridesmaid just seems inconsiderate.
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

    <div>By throwing her under the bus do you mean canceling it? I don't understand what else I am supposed to be doing. And yeah, everyone knows she doesn't want to do it that weekend because most of the discussion has been in a group message, but I don't think anyone is going to mad at her or anything, just dissappointed.</div>
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    It sounds like the BM's schedule is similar to others going on the trip (out on Saturday, back on Sunday, no 4 day weekend).  Am I reading/understanding that wrong?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:7dc99680-60a5-47b7-8245-b192c42826ff">Re: Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like the BM's schedule is similar to others going on the trip (out on Saturday, back on Sunday, no 4 day weekend).  Am I reading/understanding that wrong?
    Posted by AJG456[/QUOTE]

    <div>No that's right, her schedule would be the same as some of the other BMs (that she knows, all from the same friend group), she just would rather go on a weekend that she could take a 4 day weekend (she said it's too stressful to not have the extra time off).</div>
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    TBH I think I'd do the new weekend - if I understand, the BM can take off (or will be off) but doesn't want to. Of course, I'm saying this wihtout knowing what her job and schedule are like, so take that with a grain of salt. Maybe tone down the plans a bit so the BM won't feel like she needs a full day to rest?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:b85ed677-bda9-4db0-afd0-60c00e649b01">Re: Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]TBH I think I'd do the new weekend - if I understand, the BM can take off (or will be off) but doesn't want to. Of course, I'm saying this wihtout knowing what her job and schedule are like, so take that with a grain of salt. Maybe tone down the plans a bit so the BM won't feel like she needs a full day to rest?
    Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

    <div>She works Mon-Fri, and cannot take off Friday and thinks she probably can't take off Monday either. So she wouldn't have to take any time off to be there for the party, just to be there earlier Friday and have then have Sunday evening and Monday to rest up for work Tuesday. And it's definitely not a wild and crazy night planned, I think it's more the trip (4ish hours) that she's worried about.</div><div>
    </div><div>Honestly that's why originally I wanted to change it, because she could be there if she wanted to, but everyone here thinks we are being unreasonable so I am considering just canceling it. Although a couple people seem to think that's crappy of me to so I guess I just can't win.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:ab3bc437-e650-4ae7-baa3-619c1f236674">Re: Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party Trips : She works Mon-Fri, and cannot take off Friday and thinks she probably can't take off Monday either. So she wouldn't have to take any time off to be there for the party, just to be there earlier Friday and have then have Sunday evening and Monday to rest up for work Tuesday. And it's definitely not a wild and crazy night planned, I think it's more the trip (4ish hours) that she's worried about. Honestly that's why originally I wanted to change it, because she could be there if she wanted to, but everyone here thinks we are being unreasonable so I am considering just canceling it. Although a couple people seem to think that's crappy of me to so I guess I just can't win.
    Posted by amalama[/QUOTE]

    I think you're doing the best you can but it does seem like a no-win situation. If it were me, I think I'd just leave it with the new weekend since she can be there and it's not an inconvience as in she'd need to take off work or cancel family plans. I take 6 hr-each-way day trips, so 4 hours for a weekend doesn't phase me, but if she doesn't drive often/far, I can see how that would worry her. Perhaps suggest car-pooling with someone else so she can sleep/read/whatever during the 4 hours - it may take away some of her stress if she knows she's not the one driving.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:fccdd502-bba6-4f7d-9bac-25a6dc1ad043">Re: Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party Trips : I think you're doing the best you can but it does seem like a no-win situation. If it were me, I think I'd just leave it with the new weekend since she can be there and it's not an inconvience as in she'd need to take off work or cancel family plans. I take 6 hr-each-way day trips, so 4 hours for a weekend doesn't phase me, but if she doesn't drive often/far, I can see how that would worry her. Perhaps suggest car-pooling with someone else so she can sleep/read/whatever during the 4 hours - it may take away some of her stress if she knows she's not the one driving.
    Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks for the ideas, there is a train that we are considering taking (round trip tickets for two would cost only a little more than gas would, and once you add in parking driving would actually be more unless we don't park at the hotel). And my side all knows each other so there should be plenty of opportunity to car pool. I'll try to talk to her about it and maybe if she knows that it's either this or not going at all than she'll be more open to it.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-trips?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db5f9c2a-9558-4d01-bf28-3a25e95e0506Post:53f9d99c-ea9c-4c1d-b28b-c443194ca180">Re: Bachelorette Party Trips</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party Trips : Thanks for the ideas, there is a train that we are considering taking (round trip tickets for two would cost only a little more than gas would, and once you add in parking driving would actually be more unless we don't park at the hotel). And my side all knows each other so there should be plenty of opportunity to car pool. I'll try to talk to her about it and maybe if she knows that it's either this or not going at all than she'll be more open to it.
    Posted by amalama[/QUOTE]

    You're welcome. Hope something works out for you!
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    I also don't understand why something can't be done either right where you live, or a bit closer, maybe 1-2 hours away?  The other option is to just hand the decision over to the bridal party members.  Let the bridesmaids and groomsmen know the weekends you and FI are free and leave it up to someone else to make the decision.  It sounds like either way if you go ahead with this idea for the party someone (best man or bridesmaid) will be missing out.  The other option to have the bach parties locally and more low key and then still plan this weekend trip, but just make it non wedding related and any of the group that wants to go can attend.
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    I also agree that you should try to find something closer.  Yes, a long weekend sounds awesome, but you are asking a lot of your WP to take off 2 working days for an event that isn't even the wedding!  Since I only get 15 days off a year, I would have major issues with that too.  Then the alternative is to spend a half day traveling each way to spend probably 24 hours with the group.  That sounds crappy too.  I think you should just split it up or find something closer for the whole group.

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    I think BM is being pretty high maitenance.  I'd do the new weekend and tell her if she can't make it you completely understand, but you hope she can. 
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    amalamaamalama member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited February 2013
    No one asked anyone to take any time off. Especially not two days, we would be getting back Sunday early afternoon. When the idea was originally thought up no one was planning on taking time off except for FI. After plans started being made her and her boyfriend decided they wanted more time off.

    The only reason we didn't do something in town is because no one wanted to. It's not me asking everyone for this, all of these people on my side and most of his side are friends and it's more of a group trip than really a party just for us. We have given the option of just not going, it was always still be considered but then I was told that was "throwing her under the bus".

    But I talked to her today and she said she wants to think about it and talk to her work again, but she thinks she'd rather go for the shorter time than not go at all. I don't think she really believed me that this weekend was our only option or she was hoping that I would just decide to go without the best man. I told her she still has some time to think about it and if she thought we should just stay in town it was fine, so I guess we're going to wait and see for now. Thank you for all the advice, I still see both sides of it but no one is offended and if it doesn't work out we'll be dissappointed, but no one will be mad at her for it. 
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