The Mom Conundrum!

reignbows_92

Everyone has one person in their family that they would rather have stay home. Mine, is my mother. 

I had a rough childhood, including abuse and neglect at her hands, being taken away by social services, and recieving drunk and high phone calls from half way across the country.

After beign abused and kicked out at 11 years old, I was taken away by social services, and at 13 I moved to WI to live with my dad and stepmom. My mother is still using and drinking, and she is a wreck. I don't want to nix all alcohol from the reception, but I don't want to have to baby sit my mom, either. That, and I know she is going to start issues with my dad and stepmom--if she can't be civil on the phone with them, how can she in person!? 

I have told some of my mom's family that I would like it if she could pay for her own way out here (she doesn't have a job but is able to pay for internet and cable...). That way, I can see how truly important it is to her (without asking the family for help). Most of the family is fine with that, knowing what she did to me. But my aunt is royally irrate, saying that I am a "condescending c*nt" (yes, that is what she really said) and that no one is going to come to my wedding because I am such a bi+ch for doing that. 

 Honestly, I don't even want my mom there, after all she put me through and is still putting me through, but I am giving her a chance. 

Did I do the right thing? Anyone go through something similar?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-mom-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dbbce8db-70f9-43ac-a83f-d15abfbef886Post:3c33b568-a3da-4c79-9117-ba209943a907">Re: The Mom Conundrum!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't necessarily think you should have told your family that you want her to pay her own way.  I would have just sent her an invitation and told her "sorry" if she anyone asked you to pay her travel.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
Agree with all of this.

While you are no way entitled to pay her way out there, bringing it up to family is akin to airing your dirty laundry. 

ahhhitsshannyn

Why did you invite her then?

You are certainly within your rights to not pay her way, but you cannot really tell your family how to spend their money. I'm sure you are not a condescending cuunt, but maybe mixing your drama with your mom with other family members is not the way to go. I think your Aunt is a bit of a cuunt for saying that to you, especially after her sister (assuming here?) beat her own kid, but maybe she is trying to see the best in her and thinks she is doing better now.

If it were me I wouldn't have invited mom and told Aunt to go getfucked.

aragx6

I really don't think I would invite this woman, but perhaps that ship has already sailed? I just think it's a dangerous road to go down to test her to see if she'll make the effort to come on her own -- it sounds like you're going to get hurt and disappointed.

reignbows_92

The whole family was in on the whole foster-care thing, and one of my uncles ended up fostering me (after ending up in 4 other foster homes and a childrens program). And as I said, the rest of the family is fine with it. 

It's just such a tough thing. 

And I DIDN"T invite my mother, my grandmother told my mom that we had set a date, and now she assumed that she is coming.

chrmun

I get that family dynamics are tricky and all, but I fall into the "don't invite people that you don't want" school of wedding invitations.  Your mom and her sister sound like shitbirds.  Why would you want them at your wedding?
I don't really support the idea that she has to pay for her own ticket, though.  It's one thing if you don't want to pay for it, but you can't tell anyone else what to do.  Also, the idea that it is some sort of test to see how much it really means to her is pretty passive aggressive.  If you don't want her there, own it, but don't make it a way to keep her away but have it not be your fault.  

DramaGeek

You don't have to invite her just because she knows the date.  I wouldn't invite the aunt either.

ahhhitsshannyn

Then I still say don't invite her and tell the Aunt to getfucked.

willywally5

Very tough situation. It sounds like your name-calling aunt and maybe your grandma are the only two who think she should be there? Anyway, no matter. You are under NO obligation to invite her, pay her way here or babysit her at your wedding. 

If you DO decide to invite her, she can figure out how to get here on her own or with the help of whoever she can hornswaggle into doing so. And I'd make it clear that if she gets out of hand at the wedding or reception (either too much booze or starting crap with your father and stepmom) she will be asked to leave. And follow through. 

That royally sucks. 

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-mom-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dbbce8db-70f9-43ac-a83f-d15abfbef886Post:850bfaa2-ad83-4f5f-aa0d-3be03305ce0d">Re: The Mom Conundrum!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not invite mom nor aunt.  I would let grandma know that I would appreciate it if she quit sharing personal information with people who will not be invited to the wedding.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

<em>and</em> I'd tell aunt to getfucked too.  That's really important.

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-mom-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dbbce8db-70f9-43ac-a83f-d15abfbef886Post:ea4ed420-a57a-422b-bc9e-da1aa12c0ab8">Re: The Mom Conundrum!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Mom Conundrum! : and <strong>I'd tell aunt to getfucked too.  That's really important.</strong>
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Absolutely. I make it a policy to not invite people who call me a C*NT to joyous occasions. Or even un-joyous ones. Because those people tend to really piss me off. </div>

lauraanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-mom-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dbbce8db-70f9-43ac-a83f-d15abfbef886Post:8e55108b-eb86-4fa2-acf7-990c62c8c634">Re: The Mom Conundrum!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Mom Conundrum! : Absolutely. I make it a policy to not invite people who call me a C*NT to joyous occasions. Or even un-joyous ones. Because those people tend to really piss me off. 
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

<div>Yup.</div><div>
</div><div>In all seriousness, I am in a similar situation, although with my fiance's ex.  And there are people we are inviting to the wedding who know her, but we have been pretty clear that the wedding is NOT for her, she is not invited (I think she would crash it) and that we are ot giving her any information.  I have also told these people that wedding website and event info is not to be passed around, but rather if anyone asks them to refer them to myself or my fiance.  I feel a little like the crazy bride trying to keep the wedding on "lockdown" but if it avoids issues....</div><div>
</div><div>One thing I have learned is that the people around people like OP's mom and my fiance's ex KNOW exactly why you want that person out of the loop.  Everyone we know has just nodded and said "I get that" and as she keeps trying to get wedding details and is still asking, it seems to be working.</div>

crash2729

I would not invite her. 
She can know the date, that does not mean she's invited. 

If her name shows up on an RSVP card, call that person and tell them that you are not inviting her. 

Simply Fated

I don't think it's out of line for you to not pay for your mom, but I don't think you should have told her family whether or not they can help her. That's their business.

I get that she hurt you and there was abuse and I am so sorry! But, I don't think her paying is going to prove anything, least of all that she really cares. What I mean is, if she does scrounge up the change to get her butt to your wedding, will that make up for everything she has done to you? Will all be forgiven? Will it be a start on the road to patching things up? What is the real point of making her pay for herself?

Not that you have to invite your mom. Or your aunt. Your aunt sounds like an ass. I'm just saying, I think you should definitely decide whether or not you even want your mom there and if so, do you want her there enough to let someone else pay for her?


(she doesn't have a job but is able to pay for internet and cable...).
FWIW, my friends are broke ass, like, they have ZERO savings (she even showed me her bank statement once). She can't afford to go on vacation (they gave up a trip with her in-laws because they couldn't afford the flight or hotel stay) but they have the internet, cable (with dvr), smartphones and an SUV. I don't know how they do it, either.

mizutamababy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-mom-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dbbce8db-70f9-43ac-a83f-d15abfbef886Post:815aabae-371e-4d63-9fbf-af5d4176acf2">Re: The Mom Conundrum!</a>:
[QUOTE]Then I still say don't invite her and tell the Aunt to getfucked.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

Pretty much this.

My dad abandoned my mom after she got pregnant and then was 5 we started having every now and then visits.  A whole world of mental abuse/manipulation later and I stopped going around the age of 12.  He actively dodged child support until I turned 18 and basically contributed nothing to my life besides aforementioned mental abuse.  Saw him once after that for my grandfather's funeral and I think he realized that was the last time he was probably ever going to see me.  Never invited him to the wedding and never looked back.  If the relationship is already severed, what's the point of inviting..?

I feel like setting your mom up to see which is more important (you or her drug use/drinking) is likely to end up in disappointment for you.  She already made her decision years ago, I wouldn't expect it to change.  On some level she feels like she needs the drugs/drinking to cope with life and until she gets help I doubt that's going to change no matter what the stakes are, as sad as that is.  I would avoid inviting her so you don't have to think about the negative things she did on your wedding day, nor have to worry about family drama.

pearlaqua

Is this one of those situations where a couple might want to have security on stand-by just in case the mom shows up/makes a scene/tried to burn the place down??

It might give the bride peace of mind to know that she won't have to deal with the mom on her wedding day if it turns ugly.

reignbows_92

Thanks for all the advice, support, and understanding, ladies!

I already know if it's a choice between me and drugs, she will chose drugs and not come out (without asking for money), so I figure her paying for it on her own is kind of like not inviting her, in a way. A very passive way. 

This is just such a tough situation.