To bridesmaid or not to bridesmaid....

Af2013nl

My friend asked me to be one of her four bridesmaids for her October wedding I got engaged shortly afterwards, and my fiancée has since lost his job, though the wedding will still go ahead as planned in August. My fiancee and I are paying for the majority of our wedding ourselves. Due to the smaller size of the wedding, and people's travel expenses, limited the wedding party to his brother and my sister. My friend's parents are paying for the majority of her wedding. I do not wish to upset my friend, but feel the expenses for her wedding are really starting to add up, and we are just in the planning stages. The bridesmaid dress she picked out is a little on the expensive side and not at all flattering on me. I don't want to lose or upset a friend, but also don't want extra financial burdens at the moment. What would you do?

mlg78

If she were to change the dress (because she should have asked for your budget first!) to something more affordable, would that change things?  I'm assuming no...  I'd explain how you're so honored to be asked but that due to your own upcoming wedding and all of the financial obligations you have coming up, the added expense of a bridesmaid dress is just not feasible.  

Summer2011Bride

She should have asked for all your budgets before picking out a dress. I would just explain to her, "I really want to be a part of your wedding, but unfortunately because of our financial situation changing unexpectedly, I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm sorry." Perhaps she offers to cover your dress ando ther expenses, or perhaps not, but either way, don't feel obligated to pay for things you can't afford for her wedding.

AJuliaNJ

Is she in your wedding?

Af2013nl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-bridesmaid-or-not-to-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc086299-10b2-4c2a-83d2-e92f9fdc43dfPost:5a45c6dc-42f2-4135-ac7c-28b4631130c9">Re: To bridesmaid or not to bridesmaid....</a>:
[QUOTE]Is she in your wedding?
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]




No, my sister is my only bridesmaid.

AJuliaNJ

In Response to Re:To bridesmaid or not to bridesmaid....:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To bridesmaid or not to bridesmaid....:Is she in your wedding?Posted by AndreaJulia


No, my sister is my only bridesmaid. Posted by Af2013nl[/QUOTE]

Ok, good. At least you wouldn't have to deal with any guilt trips about that.

Id politely decline, letting her know I just don't have the funds for it right now but I look forward to spending their special day with them as a guest. Any close friend will understand. She might be disappointed at first but hopefully will come around.

Or did you already say yes and now have to back out? Couldn't tell.

MoonlightSilver

You don't have to pay for anything for her wedding except travel, hotel, and your dress- which should be within a budget you give her in the first place.

So thinking of it that way, if you can afford to be in her wedding and want to, you should email her your concerns about the dress and let her know your real dress budget ASAP. 

If you still think you won't be able to afford it, then you can let her know that you will have to decline because of finances. She might offer to pay for some things - brides have done this before, but who knows what your friend can afford. 

Af2013nl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-bridesmaid-or-not-to-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc086299-10b2-4c2a-83d2-e92f9fdc43dfPost:972e591f-d381-4000-817a-e49b0bd8cc82">Re:To bridesmaid or not to bridesmaid....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:To bridesmaid or not to bridesmaid....:

Ok, good. At least you wouldn't have to deal with any guilt trips about that.

Id politely decline, letting her know I just don't have the funds for it right now but I look forward to spending their special day with them as a guest. Any close friend will understand. She might be disappointed at first but hopefully will come around.

Or did you already say yes and now have to back out? Couldn't tell.
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]



No, I will have to back out :(. But the more I think about it I feel that is what I need to do so I am not stressing over the extra expenses. I just hope she'll understand.

STARMOON44

I would tell her that the dress is outside my budget and ask if we can look for something cheaper. And I'd discuss generally that my budget is tight right now and see what she says. Because if she's a good enough friend that you agreed to be a bridesmaid, she deserves that conversation before you back out.

[Deleted User]

I would tell her your that you're honored she chose you to be a special part of her big day but due to your FI recently losing his job & your own upcoming wedding that you can't afford to be a part of the wedding party anymore. Be honest & tell her ASAP, that's only fair to her. But be prepared on how you want to handle the situation if she comes back & offers to get a less expensive dress or even buy your dress for you to help make it more affordable for you to still be a BM.

BubblyBride75

It might be just me, but I wouldn't use your own wedding as a reason you can't afford to be in hers. It may very well be the case but I think if one of my friends said they couldn't be in my wedding because of her own wedding I would be hurt. To me, it would come off as "my party is more important than yours". She knows you are planning a wedding which means you understand how important her wedding is to her and how much thought goes into choosing a BP.

Of course you absolutely should talk to her about your budget and put it on her, more or less, to choose whether you should be in her wedding. Tell her that your budget is XY and if she doesn't want dresses within that budget you will completely understand but you will have to step down. 

TheBaysideBride

My fiance was also laid off right after we got engaged, and I have to tell you, the stress that has added to an already stressful time is significant.
I think you're fine to back out. Offer to help her w/ anything she needs, but I think yuo're right - between dress adn shower adn other parties - the expenses do add up.

Good luck with everything!!!