Is it rude to sent someone a STD and then never send them an invite?

slave4dance

We sent our save the dates out in late October for our June 2012 wedding. Over time friendships have changed to the point where I no longer want to invite certain friends to our big day. I know that sounds cruel and mean but there is a back story that I will not go into. Needless to say my engagement has got in the way of some friendships where there has been a lot of talking behind my back and I just don't want people there who I thought were my friends as I don't feel they were ever happy for me in the first place. I understand people will not jump up and down at my engagement but to say things like my ring is way too big and certain friends were mad because I've been with my boyfriend for less tim ethan them so they should be the ones getting a ring really hurt my feelings and pissed me off. I would love to know your thoughts...good, bad, or indifferent. thank you!

aleighk1

It is rude but I think if you're done with the friendships, then there is not point in sending them an invitae.

mari0225

Yes it is. When you sent the Save the Date you were asking them to Save the Date for your wedding and now you're not going to invite them?

ETA: Didn't read carefully, if the friendship is over then no there is no point in sending an invite to them.
Sorry for my big fail there.

kcscejal

It's incredibly rude.  If the friendships are really over, I guess you could get away without sending the invitation, but there will be pretty much no chance of ever repairing the relationship.  If it were me I'd send the invitation, and just leave the choice up to them if they wanted to come.

slave4dance

no because i do not consider these people my friends anymore. it is very sad what happened between us but i want the day to be as happy and stress free as possible. I have to say i agree with aleighk1 because i consider these friendships over. but i wanted to hear what others thought anyway.

redheadfsu

A save the date is an invite.

You would be uninviting if you never send them an invite. That of course is rude.

But if you never want to talk to them again and don't care if they think you are rude, don't invite them; however, personally I could never uninvite them as that is basically an "F you." I would still send the invite unless they did something "F you" worthy.

kalpi108

It's rude. Sounds like you've made your decision though. 

Avion22

Sending an STD and no invitation is essentially "un-inviting" people to your wedding.   This is a friendship-ending move.  It sounds like you're ready to end the friendship anyway.  Just be warned that they may THINK they are invited still and show up (after all, you've already told them when and where....they could think that the invitation was lost in the mail or something, or if they're really mean and want to be nasty they could show up out of spite).    

I know confrontation sucks, but this might be a time to actually talk to them in person about how your friendship has ended and you know longer wish for them to attend your wedding.  

slave4dance

thanks  everyone! TRUST me i have talked to this 1 person specifically twice and she was in complete denial as to anything i was saying to her. but i didnt talk about the wedding i spoke specifically about our friendship and how it has dwindled for the past year and a half. she was upset i didnt make her a bridesmaid ( i never actually said she wasnt, but she got the hint when i never asked her) and has been really rude because of it. someone i considered my best friend i no longer consider a friend at all. if we arent friends i dont see why she would still be expecting an invite? that was my whole issue here.

MyUserName1

Of course it's rude.  You know it is.

We aren't going to tell you differently.

But it sounds like you've made up your mind not to invite them.  

The real question is, do you care about being rude to these people?  If you don't, then don't send an invite.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-sent-someone-std-then-never-send-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd38f1ce-bcac-4ef0-8330-d2eacee851ebPost:3b7e5068-158a-4438-a102-a1b6bee4bd9d">Re: Is it rude to sent someone a STD and then never send them an invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks  everyone! TRUST me i have talked to this 1 person specifically twice and she was in complete denial as to anything i was saying to her. but i didnt talk about the wedding i spoke specifically about our friendship and how it has dwindled for the past year and a half. she was upset i didnt make her a bridesmaid ( i never actually said she wasnt, but she got the hint when i never asked her) and has been really rude because of it. someone i considered my best friend i no longer consider a friend at all. if we arent friends i dont see why she would still be expecting an invite? that was my whole issue here.
Posted by slave4dance[/QUOTE]


Do you ever have to see her again? At other friend's parties, work, church, or other events. If you uninvite her plan to deal with tons of drama every time you see her. If you never have to see her again, then being rude won't come back to bite you.

shaina925

I would think it would be rude.  If they get the STD, they will have assumed they are invited, since you are asking them to save that date.

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-sent-someone-std-then-never-send-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd38f1ce-bcac-4ef0-8330-d2eacee851ebPost:6869271f-6e4a-45d2-887d-5fe253857653">Re: Is it rude to sent someone a STD and then never send them an invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]If they feel the same way about you, they probably won't come.  I might send the invitation.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

This. Just send it. She won't come.

ricksang

I wouldn't think it was rude if I was no longer friends with you, I'd expect it.

LesPaul

Yes, it's rude.  And you sent your STDs out pretty early, btw.

STD = invitation.  If the friendship is really over they won't attend anyway.  Extend the invite and see what happens.

shnick

I'm going thru this too. I say NOT RUDE. If she's a crappy friend then that's all she's probably ever going to be. She'll be the one jealous of your house, your car, your babies, etc. Im having a destination wedding and sent mine out in Oct as well for our June wedding. A lot can happen in that amount of time, sadly. People can be catty and show their true colors. Stick with your real friends and everything will be fine. Good luck:)

cebrady89

Send it anyway - they probably won't come, and you get to be the one taking the high road by inviting them anyway.

slave4dance

Thanks everyone! I didn't send my STD out early as we have a lot of out of towers. I wasn't going to pick and choose when to send them out so we just sent them out all at once to get it over with!

mica178

It's rude.  I recommend that you reevaluate your friendship closer to the time when invitations should be mailed out (around April for a June wedding), rather than decide right now.

Yes, if the friendship is over, you could just be rude and not follow etiquette.  But wedding planning is stressful, and it can strain even the best friendships.  Things might change by springtime.  Or you might want to send the invitation so you can say you did the right thing.  If the friendship is truly over, she won't attend anyway.

rebarobert2012

It is rude.  If you decide to do this, it could be a friendship ending move.  But it sounds like you have already decided to end the friendship anyway.  If your former friends feel the same way, they probably would not attend even if you did send them an invite.

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-sent-someone-std-then-never-send-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd38f1ce-bcac-4ef0-8330-d2eacee851ebPost:67e022a8-0ecd-40c4-a157-7a900b55aadf">Is it rude to sent someone a STD and then never send them an invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]We sent our save the dates out in late October for our June 2012 wedding. Over time friendships have changed to the point where I no longer want to invite certain friends to our big day. I know that sounds cruel and mean but there is a back story that I will not go into.<strong> Needless to say my engagement has got in the way of some friendships where there has been a lot of talking behind my back and I just don't want people there who I thought were my friends as I don't feel they were ever happy for me in the first place.</strong> I understand people will not jump up and down at my engagement but<strong> to say things like my ring is way too big and certain friends were mad because I've been with my boyfriend for less tim ethan them so they should be the ones getting a ring</strong> really hurt my feelings and pissed me off. I would love to know your thoughts...good, bad, or indifferent. thank you!
Posted by slave4dance[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>These comments make you sound really immature (them too, I suppose, but since this is from your POV and not theirs, you could be seeing jealousy where there is merely irritation at having a ring waved in their faces constantly or something). The mature and adult thing to do would be to send the invitations (but not til April/May--it's WAY too soon to be doing that now--ours went out early May for a June 18th wedding) and let them decide whether or not to attend. If they are as upset with you as you claim and as you are with them, they likely will decline.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm trying to refrain from asking how old everyone involved here is, but I remain curious.

</div>

ast.meghan

A STD = invitation.  By not sending an invitation, it's a big slap in the face to them and is rude.  It's can ruin any relationship you have with them.  That being said, if you truly never want to see these people again, and they feel the same way, then don't send an invitation.  Weddings often bring out a different side of people, so this all may just blow over after the wedding has taken place.  If it does, would you want to remain friends with them?  If the answer is yes, I would still send them an invitation.  

What's the worst that can happen if you send them an invitation?  They RSVP yes and come - I can tell you that unless your guest list is very small, you won't even notice them.  My H and I had 130 people at our wedding and there were some people I barely got to talk to.  Who knows, if they feel the same way, then they will probably RSVP no.

I would send the invite, but, I'm non-confrontational like that.

Beads921

Whether you still consider her a friend, you sent her an STD, so you've basically already invited her. Therefore, you need to send the formal invite (which she will be expecting since she got an STD...).
 
If the friendship really is over, she'll RSVP no. If she comes, you don't have to say much to her. It sounds like this hurt and disdain for this person is fairly fresh, and you might regret not inviting her closer to the time, or even after the fact if you decide you want to repair things.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-sent-someone-std-then-never-send-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd38f1ce-bcac-4ef0-8330-d2eacee851ebPost:cae50d33-455b-40cf-ad86-36995110c39a">Re: Is it rude to sent someone a STD and then never send them an invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Is it rude to sent someone a STD and then never send them an invite? : These comments make you sound really immature (them too, I suppose, but since this is from your POV and not theirs, you could be seeing jealousy where there is merely irritation at having a ring waved in their faces constantly or something). The mature and adult thing to do would be to send the invitations (but not til April/May--it's WAY too soon to be doing that now--ours went out early May for a June 18th wedding) and let them decide whether or not to attend. If they are as upset with you as you claim and as you are with them, they likely will decline. I'm trying to refrain from asking how old everyone involved here is, but I remain curious.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

<div>Pretend I said this.</div>

Carla1019

Did your STD have a wedding website with your details - location / time?

Is there a possibility they would show up anyway without the invitation?

They could assume the invitation was lost in the mail. If I uninvited someone I would tell them they are no longer invited.

Sydney91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-sent-someone-std-then-never-send-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd38f1ce-bcac-4ef0-8330-d2eacee851ebPost:cfee5537-a1ab-42c7-838f-b5091f62ea5f">Re: Is it rude to sent someone a STD and then never send them an invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, it's rude.  And you sent your STDs out pretty early, btw. STD = invitation.  If the friendship is really over they won't attend anyway.  Extend the invite and see what happens.
Posted by LesPaul[/QUOTE]
Agreed. Best course of action.

ShadowCutter

I agree with PP, especially ArtbyAllie who I tried to quote but iPad won't let me scroll down to the end ATM. :-r I can't tell you if you should keep this friendship or not because I don't know how it was before this stuff happened; but if this is the only "big problem" you've had after an otherwise good friendship I'd say silly jealous/annoyed comments are not worth using a lack of invite to end the friendship. If this was a situation where this friend will cause a major problem at your wedding, like announcing untruthfully that somebody cheated on somebody, then definitely don't invite. But "why'd you get engaged before me" is a far cry from something serious like that. If she says something like that at the wedding and you don't react then whoever hears it will just see how immature she is, and maybe they'll even tell her off. Or maybe she'll just be way over it by then, which is likely if it was only a reaction to your showing off your ring too much. And the main thing is, like PP have said, not sending invite is rude and sending it despite the hurt feelings will just make you the more mature person in the situation. In my opinion if she does come and doesn't continue to make those comments that's also a sign of improved maturity on her part and if I were you I'd be happy and relieved to see that.

banana468

It's been maybe two months since you sent the STDs.  How flaky are these friendships that 8 weeks means 'over time'?

jsleik

I think you need to rethink your decision. 

If this is someone that though you were close enough friends to be a BM (even if you didn't ask her) and now you're at the point that you don't want to invite her at all even if you sent her a STD, ask yourself what really happened?  Did she do something truly horrible?  Like sleep with your fiance?  Because honestly, I think that is about how serious it would need to be to be so rude.  It will end any hope of a relationship ever.

If that doesn't sway you, I get that you don't hang out with her, but relationships change over time.  And if you do not invite her, all of your friends will know you sent her a STD and then didn't invite her.  Unless you are cutting off all contact with that whole circle of friends, you really are going to come out of this situation looking pretty bad.  Do you want to be that girl?  Or do you just send her the invitation and put the ball in her court.  Personally, that is what I would do.

Also, you have some time before you have to decide this.  Sounds like things happen quickly in your circle of friends.  Maybe by then you'll be back to being good friends.

nfl722

Yes, everyone who got a save the date needs to get an invite.  I also no longer am close to some people I sent save the dates to, ultimately I am still sending them an invite and leaving the decision up to them.