"dad" issues

RizzO18

I'm newly engaged and excited to start planning the wedding, but the biggest stress for me is the guest list...specifically my "dad". I use that term loosely.

My parents are divorced and my mom remarried an AMAZING man that I love dearly and consider him my dad. They have been married for 18 years and he raised me.

My real dad has been in and out of my life. We had a good relationship when I was younger, but for the last 15 + years the relationship has been pretty non existent. He has a drug problem and has done little to nothing to get help for it. I'm not an addict so I never make any claims that "he should just stop"...because I've never been in his situation. I wish him well, but to be honest, I just dont think of him anymore. The last time I saw him was a year ago when we ran into eachother at a gas station and he asked me for money. (I said no).


I don't want to invite him. I don't want him walking me down  the aisle. I've talked to a select few people about this (most people don't know about the drug issues or anything) and some say I should still invite him. 

I dont want him there. I cant trust him to be sober and I just dont feel like putting up a front on my wedding day that things are OK between us.

My question to you guys is, how do you think I should handle this? Should I call him and let him know he isnt invited? Do I say nothing to him? I cant imagine him thinking he would be invited, but who knows. On a side note, I'm still close with his side of the family and I am scared of their reaction too.


Sorry for the scattered post... I'm really glad to just be able to get this off my chest and get some honest opinions from unbias people.

saisongbird

Wow, this is like the 5th dad issues post tonight.  What's up with that?

RizzO18

I don't know... I guess dad issues are common?

mwhitson14

Dude, I'm glad my dad is awesome. I had no idea so many dads were such dipshits.

I say don't invite him, if you don't have a close relationship and you're worried it will be an issue.

When's the last time you talked to him? Also, your wedding is a year and a half away, any chance y'all can work on improving the relationship?

RizzO18

my real dad is a mess, but my step dad is AMAZING.

Little to no chance of improving the relationship unless he gets some type of help.

I talked to him about 6 months ago when I called to send my condolences when his wife passed away.

I see him about once a year, if that.

I know I don't want to invite him, but do I TELL him he's not invited? Thats the tricky part to me...

mwhitson14

Ah, if it were me, I'd tell him he wasn't invited, but I also wouldn't do it a year and a half out. About the time that invites go out, if you speak to him, I'd bring it up. But I probably wouldn't call and be all, hey dad, you're not invited to my wedding. IF he calls, and IF he brings it up, I'd break it to him then.

raganwhite

yes you tell him.  regardless of how you feel about him he is technically family and at least deserves to know he is not invited. maybe it will be a much needed kick in the butt to straighen up. also you don't want him randomly showing up.
as for how his family will react you need to be frank with them and let them know you don't consider him your dad and you don't want to deal with him on your day.

tidetravel

I wouldn't mention anything unless he asks.  Since you only talk to him a few times a year, I wouldn't worry too much about it.  Generally, it's rude to specifically point out that someone's not invited.  How would that conversation even go, "Hey dad.  I'm getting married, but you can't come.  Neener, neener."

If he does ask, I would be honest with him about the reason's he's not invited.  Who knows.  Maybe the possibility of missing his daughter's wedding will be the wake up call he needs to ask for help.

RizzO18

He didn't call to say anything abou the engagement so I doubt he will call about the wedding. He knows I'm engaged because he lives with my grandma and I talked to her.

I didn't even think about it being a "wake up" call to him. Thats a different way to look at it!

katiewhompus

My wedding was my dad's wake up call with his alcohol problems. Before the wedding I sat down with him and just asked him to take it easy on the intake during the wedding, because it was really important to me that he remembered my wedding. Not only did he not drink a single drop during the wedding, but his consumption has dropped dramatically since.

Don't send him an invite and have your step dad (or someone else you are close with) walk with you if that is important. If he brings it up then tell him the reasons and leave.

RizzO18

katie,
thats awesome that it worked out that way for you

I think with my dad it could go two ways when he finds out he isnt invited...he could straighten up (i hope!) or he could start feeling sorry for himself and use even more. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

My step dad will definetely walk me down the aisle... I wouldnt have it any other way.

misslol

I'm sorry things aren't great with you and your Dad.

I'd maybe think about talking to someone you trust on his side of the family  - you said you're close.

Perhaps someone there could offer / be asked to take responsibility for your dad on the day - put him in a cab if needs be.  

I don't know that I'd straight out not invite him without looking at a few other options to see if something else could work.  At least talk to someone on that side of the family who knows the situation - maybe you could come up with a way to work it out?

Knittibell

IMO Blood means nothing. Sounds to me like your dad is your step dad, and there's nothing wrong with that!

Having said that, I'd just not include your bio dad on your guest list, but not say anything about it for the moment. Things change- maybe he'll get his act together before the wedding, and if he does, it'd be great to have him there as a guest. If he asks you, I'd just explain honestly why you are not inviting him. Addiction is an illness but that does not mean that one's actions and choices don't have consequences.

I hope you and your stepdad aka- real dad- have a great time at your wedding!

microkelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dad-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddade427-5c62-46d3-8999-c82e1586ba17Post:f9083092-1eda-45c2-a7ed-3ec05b98ab72">"dad" issues</a>:
[QUOTE]IWe had a good relationship when I was younger[/QUOTE] For this reason I wouldn't leave him completely off the guest list but that's up to you. I really think you and your dad need to have a heart to heart and you need to be honest with him about your concerns. If your step dad raised you he absolutely should be the one taking on the father role that day but if you aren't inviting your dad IMO he deserves an explaination.

scurtis07

I have a pile of a dad too, and unfortunately he does't think that running away with some lady and refusing to contact my sister or me for 7 years was THAT big of an issue! Men are stupid, Dad's are stupid, not all, but after all these posts tonight it is apparent more than we all thought are definetly stupid! Does the rest of your family know about the drug problem? Because if they bite back after you tell them you don't want him there, just throw that in their faces. It kind of sounds like you're the only one putting your foot down and not being an enabler, so you are the person treating him the way he should be treated. Either he turns it around in time for the wedding, or maybe his rock bottom is being the only one not invited and later on he turns it around. Bottom line, you shouldn't talk to him, don't give him even that, tell your Grandma he isn't invited and let her do what she wants with that info. Good Luck! (but remember not to let him know you are putting so much energy into thinking about him, even though it's futile to try and not to)

kxp004

Definately agree with the other posts.... if you choose not to invite him, don't call him just to tell him he's not invited.... only say something if he asks....

me personally, having dad issues myself....i'm leaning more towards don't invite him.... that's most likely the route I'm going to have to take....(i'm the post: super complicated father issue).... there's just to many "if"s if I do invite him and I know what will happen if I don't....

Good Luck!

shadowfish318

Any man can be a father... a real man is a daddy. You have already decided to invite your dad to the wedding and walk you down the aisle.
Your father... it sounds like you don't trust him and don't really want him there. If he lives with Grandma you need to make sure that when you send out invitations that you call him and her and explain that he is not invited. You did not decide to make him this way... he did. Even though there is time... addicts need a lot longer than that. I would possibly call him now and explain that he will not be invited unless he cleans up his act well before hand... gives him a chance at least and if he can pull it off... well... then who knows