How do I tell a 'friend' that she will not be in the bridal party?

kristenlees122

I recently got engaged. Wedding is set for July next year. I have chosen my bridal party, but haven't officially asked them yet, but we have all chatted about it and they know. 3 of them are here in the US, and one is back home in another country.

I have another 'friend' back home, and she keeps saying all these things about when she is my maid of honor... I have discussed having a few girls stand up there with me, but not specifics. I have not gone along with anything she has said so I don't know where she got this idea. how do I tell her she will not be in the bridal party, let alone the maid of honor?

The friend I have chosen for my maid of honor got married in 2011 and I was not in her wedding (they only had one person each) and the friend who assumes she will be my MOH says that because I wasn't in that wedding, she shouldn't be in mine. But I am not that petty, and I know these are the 4 girls I want standing up there with me.

Also, the girl assumes I will pay for her flight, which I just cannot afford.

We were good friends around 4 years ago, but have since drifted apart and even spent over a year not talking because of a fight she caused (something about facebook photos..). I know as soon as I tell her she is not in the bridal party this will cause a fight and she will say mean things.

When we got engaged, I told my mum who told another family member who put in on facebook, so plenty of people found out about the engagement via facebook. I was upset with my family, but whatever. most people were happy for us, rather than focusing on the fact we didnt tell them directly. I managed to call everyone important and tell them on the phone before they found out online, but this girl found out and sent me the nastiest message. I was engaged for less than 24 hours and she was already making it about her and stressing me out.

Anywho, so I am sure you can guess that we are not good friends in my eyes, but in her eyes, she thinks we are, and calls me her sister from another mother etc. which is how close we used to be. We have had conversations where I've told her how I feel about our friendship, and that I feel like we are too different and arent as good friends as we used to be and I dont see us getting closer again, but she still insists on acting this way (via facebook and email, we live in different countries and never see each other).

Would appreciate any suggestions on how I can, nicely, tell her that she will not be in my bridal party?

vanityink

Honestly, I would ask the other girls, and then let her get the hint that she isn't when she isn't asked (and just not talk about wedding stuff to her/change the topic when she brings it up). If that doesn't get the point across (and she starts trying to plan as though she is a bridesmaid, I would simply say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but we aren't able to have everyone we would like in the wedding party. We hope to see you there as a guest (if she's invited at least that far)" or "I'm sorry, but we are having a small wedding and aren't able to invite many people we would wish to have" if she isn't being invited at all. If she keeps bringing it up "bean dip" her. It's a tactic many advocate on the boards that goes something like this:

"Why am I not a bridesmaid?"

"Sorry, we weren't able to have everyone we may like in the wedding party. We'd love to have you there as a guest!"

"But I want to be a bridesmaid!"

"Have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious"

"I've known you forever!"

"It's so tasty, have a bite"

etc. etc.

Peledreamsofrain

You need to break it to her as soon as possible, before she makes travel plans.  If you wait too long and she books hotel, rental car, etc... then she WILL throw a huge fit, and it'll be justified since you've been letting her think she's in your wedding party.

The next time you talk to her, explain that you are very sorry, but your bridal party has already been chosen, though you'd love to have her as a guest at your wedding (being a guest is an honor too).  If she decides to throw a fit and be nasty, that's her decision.  At least she's in another country and the impact on you will be minimized.

Be polite, be respectful, and don't make it an argument.  If she starts yelling, politely and respectfully tell her that you are sorry and the decision was not made to hurt her, then exit the conversation.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-a-friend-that-she-will-not-be-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddd3c34f-0e44-4e24-a6f3-9b86065175cfPost:41bf7398-663a-4d6f-a1cd-275cce645b6a">Re: How do I tell a 'friend' that she will not be in the bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I would ask the other girls, and then let her get the hint that she isn't when she isn't asked (and just not talk about wedding stuff to her/change the topic when she brings it up). If that doesn't get the point across (and she starts trying to plan as though she is a bridesmaid, I would simply say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but we aren't able to have everyone we would like in the wedding party. We hope to see you there as a guest (if she's invited at least that far)" or "I'm sorry, but we are having a small wedding and aren't able to invite many people we would wish to have" if she isn't being invited at all. If she keeps bringing it up "bean dip" her. It's a tactic many advocate on the boards that goes something like this: "Why am I not a bridesmaid?" "Sorry, we weren't able to have everyone we may like in the wedding party. We'd love to have you there as a guest!" "But I want to be a bridesmaid!" "Have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious" "I've known you forever!" "It's so tasty, have a bite" etc. etc.
Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE]

I normally am an advocate of the "bean dip" tactic, but if she continues, it doesn't solve anything.  If she were to keep pushing, it needs to be dealt with politely but firmly with a "this is our decision, and it's not up for discussion." 

ElleB87

Are you planning on remaining acquaintances in the long-term? Do you even want her to come to your wedding as a guest? If not you should just be up front with her. Even if you want her to come as a guest you should tell her that you're not paying for her flight. I'm not going to lie, she sounds a little unstable. You say you've told her exactly how you feel about your friendship and she's still insisting on being MOH and you flying her to the wedding.

J&K10910

Hiiiii Jackie

arendiva

I prefer to avoid confrontation so I probably wouldn't have a conversation with her about this. I would probably just to to her a lot less in general. Never talk about your wedding stuff if you do talk to her. If she brings up being your MOH again correct her then. "I'm sorry but I've already chosen my bridal party and it is  ____ _____ and _____". But honestly I would just not talk to her at all until she got the point (and possibly heard that you'd picked your bridal party through the grapevine).

MusicEBA22

I had a similar issue with a friend of mine last week. I didn't want her at my destination wedding (we're getting married on a cruise), let alone in my bridal party, but she has always made comments about how we'll be in each other's weddings and such. I was planning on telling her this lie, but it ended up happening and she was surprisingly understanding:

Our wedding was supposed to be small and only friends, but my mom (who is paying for half) decided two of her siblings should be there, and then some how my fiance's family found out and made assumptions that they were coming and even told other family members. We haven't even sent out Save the Dates yet, and we got a call from his mother about how excited she was to go on the cruise and then we got a letter from his grandparents talking about how they haven't been on a ship in years and how excited they were to come.

I told her that she was on the original list of guests and was going to be a bridesmaid until I found out how expensive it was going to be for hair and nails for the bridal party and until his family pretty much invited themselves. She said she was hurt, but understood. I told her she would definitely be invited to the bachelorette party and the local reception when we get back.

I hope this helps.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-a-friend-that-she-will-not-be-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddd3c34f-0e44-4e24-a6f3-9b86065175cfPost:2891b528-30cd-4648-9fe0-4f53630eb726">Re: How do I tell a 'friend' that she will not be in the bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a similar issue with a friend of mine last week. I didn't want her at my destination wedding (we're getting married on a cruise), let alone in my bridal party, but she has always made comments about how we'll be in each other's weddings and such. I was planning on telling her this lie, but it ended up happening and she was surprisingly understanding: Our wedding was supposed to be small and only friends, but my mom (who is paying for half) decided two of her siblings should be there, and then some how my fiance's family found out and made assumptions that they were coming and even told other family members. We haven't even sent out Save the Dates yet, and we got a call from his mother about how excited she was to go on the cruise and then we got a letter from his grandparents talking about how they haven't been on a ship in years and how excited they were to come. <strong>I told her that she was on the original list of guests and was going to be a bridesmaid until I found out how expensive it was going to be for hair and nails for the bridal party</strong> and until his family pretty much invited themselves. She said she was hurt, but understood. I told her she would definitely be invited to the bachelorette party and the local reception when we get back. I hope this helps.
Posted by MusicEBA22[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>What?

</div>

MusicEBA22

Sorry, hopefully this is a little clearer...

I told my friend that originally our guest list was just our friends, and she was definitely on that list, but my fiance's family found out about the wedding and made assumptions that they were invited, so we had to cut a whole bunch of our friends to make room (technically, we don't have to invite them, but since they found out, it would be kind of shitty not to). That seemed to make her feel better. I also told her that we were having a reception when we got back, which she would be invited to, and that she was welcome at any of the pre-wedding party stuff.

EK2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-a-friend-that-she-will-not-be-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddd3c34f-0e44-4e24-a6f3-9b86065175cfPost:9c4b68ef-9314-4ac1-b09a-2ec89643d4dc">Re: How do I tell a 'friend' that she will not be in the bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, hopefully this is a little clearer... I told my friend that originally our guest list was just our friends, and she was definitely on that list, but my fiance's family found out about the wedding and made assumptions that they were invited, so we had to cut a whole bunch of our friends to make room (technically, we don't have to invite them, but since they found out, it would be kind of shitty not to). That seemed to make her feel better. I also told her that we were having a reception when we got back, which she would be invited to, and that she was welcome at any of the pre-wedding party stuff.
Posted by MusicEBA22[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm glad this seemed to work for you, but I'd warn others to avoid handling the situation this way.</div><div>
</div><div>Telling people they almost got to be included, but then weren't, doesn't usually go over well.</div>