Wedding Etiquette Forum

Not inviting parents to small ceremony?

My fiance and I decided to have a small ceremony without a reception. Anyone that comes is welcome to come to dinner with us but we are not paying. My mother and I have alot of drama and stopped talking for awile, and I have never met my father though I have rconnected with him and talk frequently with him. Both are under the assumption we are having just th two of us however when my fiance told me he wouldnt mind a few guests (family only) I told the person I really think of as my parent right away. My ex  stepdad who is divorced from my mom but raised me since I was 3. He already booked flights for his fiance who I am very close with, his sister and of course himself, I was going to inform my mother we would be having guests at ceremony only but then found out my future Mother in Law and Father in Law wont be attending as they will have our children with them and plan on taking my oldest to a live showing of his favourite tv show the day after and aren't sure if they will be back in time from the wedding (it is a 4 hour drive away) to go. So far the three guests mentioned are the only guests and because my mother will create drama with them I dont feel comfortabl having her there. My father I would love to invite if I had atleast met him once. Any idea what I can do to either make not being invited less hurtful to them? or is it even possible to hide the fact we are having guests?

Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:20db413c-206f-4cce-a782-5f8a245c21f5">Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I decided to have a small ceremony without a reception. Anyone that comes is welcome to come to dinner with us but we are not paying. My mother and I have alot of drama and stopped talking for awile, and I have never met my father though I have rconnected with him and talk frequently with him. Both are under the assumption we are having just th two of us however when my fiance told me he wouldnt mind a few guests (family only) I told the person I really think of as my parent right away. My ex  stepdad who is divorced from my mom but raised me since I was 3. He already booked flights for his fiance who I am very close with, his sister and of course himself, I was going to inform my mother we would be having guests at ceremony only but then found out <strong>my future Mother in Law and Father in Law wont be attending as they will have our children with them and plan on taking my oldest to a live showing of his favourite tv show the day after and aren't sure if they will be back in time from the wedding (it is a 4 hour drive away) to go</strong>. So far the three guests mentioned are the only guests and because my mother will create drama with them I dont feel comfortabl having her there. My father I would love to invite if I had atleast met him once. Any idea what I can do to either make not being invited less hurtful to them? or is it even possible to hide the fact we are having guests?
    Posted by mandykillorngallant[/QUOTE]

    Adding to the list of problematic parts of this post. Your future inlaws are missing your presumably one and only wedding to take a kid to a taping of a tv show!!!!!

    Perhaps you and your fiance should really think about these plans and the possible repercussions of them before going through with this idea.

    I agree with PP about everything else. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />
  • I will explain he situation to you about guests. We have very little money to begin with and my fiance wanted it to be just us, then informed me he has no problem with anyone coming but he does not have the money to treat everyone to dinner, I plan on saving a little something to help pay for thier dinner but I cant save alot as it was sprung on me very last minute. I'm trying to lessen the blow of not inviting her but do understand it will be very hurtful, my brother had his high school graduation and she made the day all about her issues with my step dad when the day should have been about my brother, I do not want the same thing to happen this time around as I think that will destroy our relationship even more than if she was not there.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:828146a7-8125-4248-a5d5-cb2736e2cb62">Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will explain he situation to you about guests. We have very little money to begin with and my fiance wanted it to be just us, then informed me he has no problem with anyone coming but he does not have the money to treat everyone to dinner, I plan on saving a little something to help pay for thier dinner but I cant save alot as it was sprung on me very last minute. I'm trying to lessen the blow of not inviting her but do understand it will be very hurtful, my brother had his high school graduation and she made the day all about her issues with my step dad when the day should have been about my brother, I do not want the same thing to happen this time around as I think that will destroy our relationship even more than if she was not there.
    Posted by mandykillorngallant[/QUOTE]

    Then don't invite anyone period.  If I got on a place to go to a wedding, and then had to pay for my meal, I would be livid.
  • I do agree with the others that anyone who takes time to attend your ceremony needs to be thanked by being hosted afterwards, especially if it involves travel. Taking them to dinner after is perfectly fine. It doesn't have to be expensive or formal, but you do need to pay for them.  

    Also, only you can decide if the drama of not including your mother is better or worse than including her.  You simply must be prepared for the fact that your relationship with her might  be over if you don't invite her.  It might be a really, really tough decision for you.  If you're okay with that, then proceed.  If not, reconsider. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:828146a7-8125-4248-a5d5-cb2736e2cb62">Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will explain he situation to you about guests. We have very little money to begin with and my fiance wanted it to be just us, then informed me he has no problem with anyone coming but he does not have the money to treat everyone to dinner, <strong>I plan on saving a little something to help pay for thier dinner but I cant save alot as it was sprung on me very last minute.</strong> I'm trying to lessen the blow of not inviting her but do understand it will be very hurtful, my brother had his high school graduation and she made the day all about her issues with my step dad when the day should have been about my brother, I do not want the same thing to happen this time around as I think that will destroy our relationship even more than if she was not there.
    Posted by mandykillorngallant[/QUOTE]

    Your own wedding was sprung on you last minute?  You can't get married until you sign a marriage license, irrespective of what your groom wants to do.  If you aren't ready, or can't properly host the wedding you want to have you should wait until you can. 
  • I may be in the minority, but like I said, if I flew to wedding, I'd expect more than cake and coffee.  That may just be me though. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:828146a7-8125-4248-a5d5-cb2736e2cb62">Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will explain he situation to you about guests. We have very little money to begin with and my fiance wanted it to be just us, then informed me he has no problem with anyone coming but he does not have the money to treat everyone to dinner, I plan on saving a little something to help pay for thier dinner but I cant save alot as it was sprung on me very last minute. I'm trying to lessen the blow of not inviting her but do understand it will be very hurtful, my brother had his high school graduation and she made the day all about her issues with my step dad when the day should have been about my brother, I do not want the same thing to happen this time around as I think that will destroy our relationship even more than if she was not there.
    Posted by mandykillorngallant[/QUOTE]

    You HAVE to host your guests properly for a meal.  That doesn't have to mean going out to eat a fancy dinner.  Hamburgers and hot dogs in your backyard would be fine!   But for cryin' out loud, they are paying to fly out to see you marry.....you cannot make them pay for their own meal afterwards. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:4409ae8a-90d5-4770-84a4-4834601503b4">Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony? : I actually agree.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I third that!
    Pizza would be fine, BBQ, burgers, all of those options would be cheap enough that you could host yourself, fiance, and 3 others for the same price as you would probably pay to just pay for you and your fiance's meals at a restaurant. So, it's not that you CAN'T afford it, it just sounds like you don't WANT to.

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  • Agree with others that you have to host some sort of reception.  Why not go to a pizza restaurant?  It shouldn't be too expensive to buy a few large pizzas and then host soda, water, iced tea and lemonade for less than 10 people.  You may also be able to add in family style salads and sheet cake and still keep it affordable.  I know that most restaurants serve alchohol but you are not required to host that.  Make it clear what you are hosting, if one of your guests chooses to start a separate tab because they want to have an alcoholic drink that's their choice.
  • arendivaarendiva member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    Forget pizza. You could buy a can of cream of mushroom soup, a bag of stuffing, 2 pounds of boneless chicken, 2 cans of greens beans, 5 potatoes, and a loaf of italian bread. You mix the soup and stuffing. you put one layer on the bottom of a cassorole dish, lay down the boneless chicken tenders, and top the chicken with the remaining stuffing (bake 20-30 minutes until chicken is cooked through. Boil the green beans on the stove until cooked. Microwave the baked potatoes on a plate for 10 minutes or bake them for an hour.

    chicken  $6
    stuffing$3
    green beans $1.50
    bread $2.50
    potatoes $5


    Easy, no cooking skill required $17 dollar dinner of stuffed chicken with baked potato, green beans and bread. If you can't afford $17 to give your guests a nice meal then just don't have guests.

    Seriously if I paid hundreds of dollars to fly out to someones wedding and they couldn't be bothered to at least throw some chicken in the oven to feed me and my family before we fly back home I would be livid.

    ETA: the recipe http://www.campbellskitchen.com/RecipeDetail.aspx?recipeId=24482
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:828146a7-8125-4248-a5d5-cb2736e2cb62">Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will explain he situation to you about guests. We have very little money to begin with and my fiance wanted it to be just us, then informed me he has no problem with anyone coming but he does not have the money to treat everyone to dinner, I plan on saving a little something to help pay for thier dinner but I cant save alot as it was sprung on me very last minute. I'm trying to lessen the blow of not inviting her but do understand it will be very hurtful, my brother had his high school graduation and she made the day all about her issues with my step dad when the day should have been about my brother, I do not want the same thing to happen this time around as I think that will destroy our relationship even more than if she was not there.
    Posted by mandykillorngallant[/QUOTE]

    Yikes, all of the PP have great recommendations on hosting dinner.  You HAVE to do this.  If you can't afford a few dollars to host your guests, then you need to wait.  In fact, I don't understand why you feel like you have to get married so last minute.

    As for your mom, only you know how bad your relationship is.  If you don't invite her, do not lie about it and understand that your relationship will never be salvagable afterwards.  Personally, her wanting to talk about herself during your brother's graduation, as skewed and petty as it probably was, it is not reason to not include her in your wedding day.  Whether she would end up doing that again or not, that looks badly on her, not you.

    image

  • I'm curious about the previous post too....the wedding was sprung on you?  And you wouldn't want your kids there?

    I agree with everyone else that something needs to be hosted, especially since they are travelling from a distance.  Nothing huge but take them to a buffet, make a huge batch of pasta, pizzas from Costco...something.
  • Cue Kristins with her nowpatented "OMG your poor mother, you have NO IDEA what she went through to raise you, how dare you treat your mother that way!" post.
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  • Wow, this is so tacky and rude! You honestly are inviting people to celebrate your marriage and expecting them to pay for there own dinner???? Go elope and don't have anything else. I would be appauled if I were invited to that kind of sham. For shame

    As for your parents. They are still your parents, theres no take backs on not inviting them to your wedding. In the end that is your choice. If I were you'd I'd just wait on the entire thing when you can afford $300 to feed your guests.
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  • This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

    If you can't host a meal after the wedding then you should wait until you can afford it. Its rude to expect friends/family to travel to a wedding and then be sent on their way. Thank them with a home cooked meal, pizzas, a bbq, anything!

    And how was your own wedding sprung suddenly on you?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:811c20df-b17e-42ec-a109-6da6fd4b60ff">Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony? : I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you have parents who are sane, supportive, and well, in general not giant douchenozzles who use you, abuse you, or take advantage of you, right?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    OP was asking about not inviting parents to the ceremony, and while your experience seems to be very far on one side of the spectrum, others may not have.  While she says she doesn't want to have her there, I didn't read anything to indicate any of the above.  My previous post was simply based upon the attention being taken away at the brother's graduation. 
    In my opinion, even as crazy and messed up my relationship with my parents have been, I would still invite them.  But, that is my opinion and my experience.  Only OP can really judge where she stands with her mother and whether <em>whatever</em> has happened in the past is worth possibly further ruining her relationship.   She just needs to own up to her decision and know that it would be hard to reconcile afterwards. 

    Also, she has a post on Budget weddings that explains the urgency a little more.  I still stand that OP needs to host something. 

    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:3cf67bf4-5c35-433e-a17e-f8bbadc2ede7">Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting parents to small ceremony? : <strong> If the situation has hit the point where OP is saying that doesn't want her mother at her wedding, then I think she's indicated pretty clearly the amount of strain on the relationship.</strong>  It's great that despite having a difficult relationship with your parents you were able to have them at your wedding, but I think it's important to remember that "messed up" can have some pretty different gradients, both in the other person's behavior and how much of it you are willing to tolerate for your own well-being. It's not fair to assume that because someone doesn't explicitly spell out how strained the relationship is and because you were able to work things out with your family that they can or should do the same. 
    Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

    Well, she has mentioned that she prefers her ex-stepfather, and that she doesn't want to invite her mother because she doesn't think her mother and her's mother's ex-husband being 2 of the only 4 guests will be a good idea.

    My vote is to tell her mom and let her make the decision of whether or not she wants to attend an intimate event where her ex-husband will be present. But I don't know the complete situation of the OP and her relationship with her mom.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    I get not inviting your mother because of your relationship to her.

    I get inviting your step-father.

    I don't get why your in-laws have to miss their son's wedding to take a grandson to a live tapping of a TV show.  It's a TV show, perspective here okay?

    I don't get why your son has to miss his mom's and dad's (step-dads?) wedding to see a live tapping of a TV show.  Again, it's just a TV show.

    I also don't understand how someone can not afford to host dinner for 8-10 people.  I just don't get it.  And no  I do not mean it has to be a $150 per head dinner.  Doesn't Cracker Barrel still have $10 buffets?  Pizza? Cook yourself?  Cake and punch?  I mean if you can't really afford to host SOMETHING for 8-10 people, you have problems.   

    I also want to add very few people want to see a ceremony and then just go home.  Sorry, they just don't, unless there is a schedule conflict or something.  They want to hang out with the couple for a little bit afterward.   True fact.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-parents-to-small-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de267aac-bb2c-4dc8-9d74-d48cb69bc1b0Post:20db413c-206f-4cce-a782-5f8a245c21f5">Not inviting parents to small ceremony?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I decided to have a small ceremony without a reception. Anyone that comes is welcome to come to dinner with us but we are not paying. My mother and I have alot of drama and stopped talking for awile, and I have never met my father though I have rconnected with him and talk frequently with him. Both are under the assumption we are having just th two of us however when my fiance told me he wouldnt mind a few guests (family only) I told the person I really think of as my parent right away. My ex  stepdad who is divorced from my mom but raised me since I was 3. He already booked flights for his fiance who I am very close with, his sister and of course himself, I was going to inform my mother we would be having guests at ceremony only but then found out my future Mother in Law and Father in Law wont be attending as they will have our children with them and plan on taking my oldest to a live showing of his favourite tv show the day after and aren't sure if they will be back in time from the wedding (it is a 4 hour drive away) to go. So far the three guests mentioned are the only guests and because my mother will create drama with them I dont feel comfortabl having her there. My father I would love to invite if I had atleast met him once. Any idea what I can do to either make not being invited less hurtful to them? or is it even possible to hide the fact we are having guests?
    Posted by mandykillorngallant[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I will respond only to the part about not inviting parents...</div><div>My mother and I do not...I repeat do NOT...get along. As a matter of fact, for my first wedding, she chose to do her laundry rather than come see her daughter get married. When my brother married a few years later, she opted to not show up. That being said, our relationship has gotten progressively worse since my first wedding. Is she invited this time? Absolutely not! This will be a day I want only happiness and love. I do not want her drama or the stress. As for my father, he chose to stop speaking to me in March so he also is not invited...plus he lives out of state, but whatever. I have made decisions in my life that he has decided he can not be supportive of, therefore he is not invited to share in my and Jason's wedding. And for the record, Jason and I are paying for our wedding...my parents will contribute nothing.</div><div>
    </div><div>Keep in mind the relationships you have. Your wedding day is YOUR wedding day. Invite only those you want to share in your joy and happiness. However, just bear in mind that you must be willing to accept the fallout from not inviting certain people, know what I mean. In my case, the relationships are beyond repair so any anger or resentment from them will be wasted energy. I chose to have only those people who truly care for and accept me and my decisions.</div><div>
    </div><div>Good luck!

    </div>
    ~*~June 21, 2014~*~


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