Rushing engagement

erin1215

I know I am going to get mixed reviews on this but thought I would ask anyway. My wedding day is so sentimental to me and during this entire engagement, I have had so much fun planning with the families and doing things to personalize our wedding to make it our own. Well, my fiances brother just told them family that he was proposing to his girlfriend. At first I was like oh man but now I am so happy. (We later found out she gave him an ultimatum) She has always had this outshine mentality. Trying to one up everyone and has always had this weird resentment towards me and my fiance because we are younger than them. Anyways, she is rushing the wedding to have it before ours. If you knew her, this would all make sense. Definitely trying to take away from our day. Even is going as far as to using the same theme, dancing to our song (which I know isnt just OUR song) but still. I am pretty upset about it since we have everything already planned and people will be going to their wedding and seeing the same stuff that is more sentimental to us than them and then coming to ours and seeing exactly what they saw at their wedding? Has anyone gone through this? Any advice? I am so incredibly happy for them....I dont want to sound like I am not but I just feel like they could wait.

monkeysip

There's not really any advice but just to smile and deal with it. 

I understand why you'd be disappointed, I do.  It does suck.  But there's not really anything to do about it.

I would only suggest that you keep as many details of your wedding plans secret, so if she is copying you, she'll know less.

courtski2004

She is going to have her day, just like you will have yours. If she makes an ass of herself, that is on her. If you think she is going to try and 'steal' your ideas, stop talking about your wedding plans. If she or someone close to her in the family asks about anything, change the subject. Try to let go of the mentality that she is doing all of this to one-up you. Continue to plan your wedding and enjoy your engagement!

MyNameIsNot

Nothing is going to take away from your wedding.  Your wedding will be special because you will marry your FI, with your friends and family.  It won't be special because it is before or after anyone else's, and it won't be special because it is like or unlike anyone else's.  

If you are concerned that she's going to copy your ideas, don't share them with her.  Don't discuss your wedding plans around her or anyone she knows.  If she asks, go with "we haven't decided yet" or "we're going to let some things be a surprise" to deflect her.  

misssunshine17

Ditto PPs. I can seriously understand that you'd be upset about it, but there's nothing you can do about it. Don't compete with her. She'll end up making an ass out of herself and you'll be the calm and collected one. 

erin1215

Thanks everyone! Just needed some advice :

wrigleyville

If it makes you feel any better, I barely remember any of the decor from the weddings I've been to recently, just the main color(s). I doubt people will think you're copying her (or care). I'd just let it slide and stop talking about details with her.

erin1215

In Response to Re:Rushing engagement:[QUOTE]If it makes you feel any better, I barely remember any of the decor from the weddings I've been to recently, just the main colors. I doubt people will think you're copying her or care. I'd just let it slide and stop talking about details with her. Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

Thanks! Thats actually good advice...I am the only one who knows my wedding inside and out. You are right about people not paying attention. Thanks!

AMYM312

Yeah that sucks. I guess just stop talking wedding details and don't put anything on Facebook, Pinterest, etc. how far apart are your dates?

melb2013

OP, you got a PM!

violet355

unless you're getting married next week, then you have plenty of time to decide if you wanted to change something just to piss this girl off.  i know you shouldn't compete, and be a better person, but if you find an idea that's way better then what you originally wanted then go for it.

KellyBrian2013

Unless you're using the EXACT same centerpieces, the EXACT same dresses, the EXACT same flowers, etc., your wedding will be unique. And even on the off chance that ALL of the details were EXACTLY the same, the wedding will still be unique because it is the only wedding that has you and your FI getting married.

MyFirefightersPrincess

I truly feel bad for you. I know what you are going through, as my brother's psychotic wife did almost the same thing to my sister. The only difference is they couldn't pull their wedding off BEFORE my sister's because of my brother's deployment. His wife is a pathological liar who wouldn't tell the truth to save her life. She went so far as to steal all of my sister's ideas (whose wedding had been planned almost completely before my brother even met his wife!), and then, tell everyone that my sister stole them from her-including her wedding dress!! I was extremely po'd and my sister was extremely hurt. I tried telling my brother (as tactfully and nicely as possible), and my mother (who happens to be two peas in a pod with my brother's wife) how hurtful his wife's actions were to my sister and I was told to back off, that it was none of my business, etc. My brother's wife made a complete a$$ of herself the day of my sister's wedding, so much so that even my b-i-l's family members made comments to me (I was MOH and apparently, they expected me to control her.) This woman has caused so many problems in our family, it's not even funny, but everyone has seen her for who she truly is and not one person (except our mother) likes her because she treats everyone like crap.

Speaking from experience, it seems like everyone knows what is going on (their rushed engagement and wedding) and they'll see her for who she is when they go to your wedding after hers and see that it's so similar/the same. You could try talking to them, but I highly doubt that will make any difference. 

The devious part of me wants to advise that you "change" details of your wedding, making sure she knows, without really changing them and then, when she changes hers to match yours, you will have the last laugh in the end. This is an advantage you have since your wedding is after hers.  Yes, I'm sure someone will criticize this bit of advice, but if they've never had to deal with how truly hurtful this is, they won't understand. Plus, it's diffusing the situation without having to come to blows over anything. 

Good luck!!

Calypso1977

trust me, no one will remember your song or their song or probably any other details from either wedding. 

just continue planning your day as you would like it to be and dont share any further details with her.

BostonGIrl4732

I'm sorry.  I'd be disappointed too.

I think others gave great advice about not sharing details.  According to your profile, your wedding is still over a year away, so you might change your mind about the stuff you've planned.  Maybe a better song will come out within the next year that you can dance to!

When you go dress shopping, there's going to be a dress that you hate.  Take a picture and post it somewhere you know she'll be looking.  Ditto for floral arrangments, and invitations, photographers...  Let her steal those ideas 

stantokm

I agree with MyFirefightersPrincess: mention that you're thinking of changing your first dance to song to another good wedding song that isn't the one that you picked out.  Maybe she'll choose that one instead--if she doesn't, you're no worse off than before.

erin1215

We have been together for 8 years. The whole reason we are having a Christmas wedding is because we had our first date around that time. Our song is our song because he sang it to me in high school for a school choir program when we were 16. We are using rustic barn theme decor because he owns a dairy farm. So as you can see all aspects of my wedding are very personal as everyone elses is too but that is why I am so upset. I have a binder under my bed that i have been writing ideas down and gluing pictures in ever since I can remember. Thank you so much for all your advice. I do 100 agree there is nothing I can do BUT like.others have said....being in a situation like this dealing with crazy future sis in law it really affects me.

erin1215

In Response to Re:Rushing engagement:[QUOTE]I truly feel bad for you. I know what you are going through, as my brother's psychotic wife did almost the same thing to my sister. The only difference is they couldn't pull their wedding off BEFORE my sister's because of my brother's deployment. His wife is a pathological liar who wouldn't tell the truth to save her life. She went so far as to steal all of my sister's ideas whose wedding had been planned almost completely before my brother even met his wife!, and then, tell everyone that my sister stole them from herincluding her wedding dress!! I was extremely po'd and my sister was extremely hurt. I tried telling my brother as tactfully and nicely as possible, and my mother who happens to be two peas in a pod with my brother's wife how hurtful his wife's actions were to my sister and I was told to back off, that it was none of my business, etc. My brother's wife made a complete a of herself the day of my sister's wedding, so much so that even my bil's family members made comments to me I was MOH and apparently, they expected me to control her. This woman has caused so many problems in our family, it's not even funny, but everyone has seen her for who she truly is and not one person except our mother likes her because she treats everyone like crap.Speaking from experience, it seems like everyone knows what is going on their rushed engagement and wedding and they'll see her for who she is when they go to your wedding after hers and see that it's so similar/the same. You could try talking to them, but I highly doubt that will make any difference.nbsp;The devious part of me wants to advise that you "change" details of your wedding, making sure she knows, without really changing them and then, when she changes hers to match yours, you will have the last laugh in the end. This is an advantage you have since your wedding is after hers.nbsp;nbsp;Yes, I'm sure someone will criticize this bit of advice, but if they've never had to deal with how truly hurtful this is, they won't understand. Plus, it's diffusing the situation without having to come to blows over anything.nbsp;Good luck!! Posted by MyFirefighters
Princess[/QUOTE]

Thank you for posting this! My future mother in law is the same way..we actually tried talking to her and she said she wanted to stay out of it. Ugh so frustrating!!

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rushing-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:debdcd9a-38b2-45dd-bb36-ffab09edb841Post:f215aab5-0480-46e1-8d64-7cec6019db02">Re:Rushing engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Rushing engagement: Thank you for posting this! My future mother in law is the same way..we actually tried talking to her and <strong>she said she wanted to stay out of it. </strong>Ugh so frustrating!!
Posted by erin1215[/QUOTE]

<div>I would hope she would stay out of it.  Going and tattling to FMIL is probably the most childish thing you could have done.  Suck it up and continue to plan your wedding, and don't talk about it with FSIL.</div>

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rushing-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:debdcd9a-38b2-45dd-bb36-ffab09edb841Post:f215aab5-0480-46e1-8d64-7cec6019db02">Re:Rushing engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Rushing engagement: Thank you for posting this! My future mother in law is the same way..<strong>we actually tried talking to her and she said she wanted to stay out of it</strong>. Ugh so frustrating!!
Posted by erin1215[/QUOTE]

<div>I would hope she would stay out of it.  Running and tattling to FMIL is probably the most childish thing you could have done.  I'd suck it up and stop talking to FSIL about my plans.  </div>

erin1215

In Response to Re:Rushing engagement:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Rushing engagement:In Response to Re:Rushing engagement: Thank you for posting this! My future mother in law is the same way..we actually tried talking to her and she said she wanted to stay out of it. Ugh so frustrating!!Posted by erin1215I would hope she would stay out of it. nbsp;Running and tattling to FMIL is probably the most childish thing you could have done. nbsp;I'd suck it up and stop talking to FSIL about my plans. nbsp; Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

First of all, we didnt "tattle". Just had a conversation to see what her thoughts were. And I havent discussed any of my plans for the wedding. Anybody and everybody that knows me knows I have had these plans for awhile....I am sure she has hears through the grapevine. We didnt go to my fiances mother in hopes of bad mouthing or anything. We just wanted to see what her thoughts were on the entire situation.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rushing-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:debdcd9a-38b2-45dd-bb36-ffab09edb841Post:00c254a9-66d5-4bf9-acd2-aef21a37f6c3">Re:Rushing engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Rushing engagement: First of all, we didnt "tattle". Just had a conversation to see what her thoughts were. And I havent discussed any of my plans for the wedding. Anybody and everybody that knows me knows I have had these plans for awhile....I am sure she has hears through the grapevine. We didnt go to my fiances mother in hopes of bad mouthing or anything. We just wanted to see what her thoughts were on the entire situation.
Posted by erin1215[/QUOTE]

<div>By going and talking to FMIL because you were upset that FSIL is trying to steal all of your plans, you essentially tattled.  If she's hearing enough through the grapevine to copy your wedding, maybe it's time to keep mum on the rest of your wedding.  To anyone except your FI.</div>

Peledreamsofrain

I love MyFirefighter's idea!! Hahaa, leak all sorts of falso info to her. Heck, go one step further and leak difficult and mismatching ideas to her. It'd be hilarious to watch her run herself ragged trying to rip you off. If it's any consolation, if she's rushing her wedding and not making wellthought out decisions, her wedding won't go smoothly, and is unlikely to look as nice as yours. Petty, but still satisfying thought.

[Deleted User]

Enjoy your planning for your day. Do what you want, if someone happens to go, didn't your brother have something like this at his wedding, you can just respond, "Something similar, we have similar taste in things, and you know they say great minds think a like"

Good luck with the situation and happy wedding day.

OwningAHome1981

Rushing an engagement or wedding is never a good idea, IMO.

I wouldn't be jealous of that- you are doing everything the way it should be done. I've known my fiance since we were 13 and we're in our 30's and only first getting married now. We had all of our 20's to, but it's like, why rush?

Enjoy every moment, cherish it. The wedding day will go so fast.

Calypso1977

 I have a binder under my bed that i have been writing ideas down and gluing pictures in ever since I can remember.

are there women in it?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rushing-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:debdcd9a-38b2-45dd-bb36-ffab09edb841Post:02feb21c-d103-4c3c-8767-768a1b72b27c">Re: Rushing engagement</a>:
[QUOTE] I have a binder under my bed that i have been writing ideas down and gluing pictures in ever since I can remember. are there women in it?
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

HA! Well played :)

TiffanyT816

OHHH, do I feel your pain.

My brother was divorced as of this past Feb, was completely in love with his then wife and devastated that she unexpectedly wanted a divorce.

Now, he has met a new girl and they are getting married this December (at which point, they will have known eachother one year, to the day, and they both have young kids involved in this). The second he saw my ring, his response was "OH, I'll do better than that!" and it has been a competition, to him.

They have done everything that etiquitte says NOT to do, and I'm just sitting back and watching it all unfold. It's not worth saying anything or doing anything for that matter. I've really had a hard time deciding to go to his wedding or not, after I was handed my invitation from my mom that couldn't even have my name on the thing.

After getting advice on here, I'm going to the wedding, I'll sit there and support them and sincerely wish them the best, regardless of the things he has said about me. Then, I will continue to plan and look forward to my own wedding.

Good luck! I completely relate to you...with a little extra drama added in.

erin1215

Thanks for all the advice! Just needed to vent and get that off my chest. I know that my wedding is going to be so special to me and my fiance. Just a little irked about the entire situation BUT I will take your advice and hold my head high and smile. My mother sent me this quote when I had first found out about the situation and its "Always be kinder than you feel"

Thanks everyone!