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Etiquette

Why do people DO these things? (vent)

So a while back, I messaged a college friend (someone in my circle that I wasn't particularly close to) on facebook to ask for her address. Keep in mind that I told her I wanted it so I could keep in touch when I moved abroad. She responded by sending her address and then un-friending me on facebook.

This morning, I have a message from her, saying "I just wanted to let you know I never received anything in the mail from you. I heard there were magnet issues (: ". The magnets she's referring to are our STDs, and yes, some of them got lost (stuck?) in the mail.

REALLY? We're not close enough to be facebook friends, but we're close enough for you to request an invitation to my wedding? How am I supposed to respond to that? I know who told her to ask, it had to be the friend (chatty cathy) who's STD *actually* got lost in the mail. (I approached cathy after I realized some weren't delivered and I hadn't heard from her). I'm just seriously irritated.

I've decided to just send her an invite to avoid drama, but neither she nor chatty cathy get's a +1, they can be each other's dates. (They are both truly single, but I was originally going to give chatty cathy a +1. No more.)
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Re: Why do people DO these things? (vent)

  • Why are you giving in so easily?  You don't have to do anything just because she said something.  And why should Cathy have to give up a +1 because of this girl?  Just tell the girl "We wish we could invite everyone, but we can't.  I'm sure you understand" and then drop it.
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  • Oh, and you should probably budget for a guest for truly singles just in case some of them are in a relationship at the time the invites go out.  That's one of the benefits of doing +1s.
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  • I agree with B.  There's totally no reason why you should have to give her an invite.  Seriously.  Don't be a doormat!
  • I wouldn't have invited her.
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yeah, if she defriended me on Facebook and pull that kind of shiz, I'd tell her to suck it and not invite her. If she's sending catty responses like that to a lack of save the date, do you really want her to be at your wedding? Really?

  • chelseamb11chelseamb11 member
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    edited January 2012
    First of all, are you certain she actually deleted you?  Facebook does some weird crap when it comes to deleting things, so it could have been an accident.  You are also jumping to a lot of conclusions. Chatty Cathy maybe told another mutual friend of yours that is already invited to the wedding, who then told FB girl.

    Yeah it was rude for her to ask where her invitation/STD was.  I'm not in the situation so I don't know all the details. Regardless of those details, don't invite her just because she got on your case.  If I did that, my guest list would be 50 people longer.  If you guys don't even talk anymore, why do you care if she's mad at you?
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Rather than just not inviting her, you are going to invite her but punish her and the chatty cathy over the behavior?  Passive aggressive much?
  • First of all, I think it's kind of odd that you asked for her address when she knew you were in the midst of planning a wedding.  Frankly, if one of my friends would have done that I'd probably have thought that I was getting an invitation as well.

    That being said, she was still rude to inquire over the whereabouts of her STD/invitation.  I wouldn't invite her, you don't have to.

    I won't even touch the un-friending on FB because that's just childish.
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  • Froggie, I asked for her address before I got engaged. In July. When I collected a ton of addresses because I moved to a new country. It wasn't an accidental fb delete either, she deleted a bunch of other people too (including two BMs, thats how I know). And I'm probably going to cave because she and Cathy are BFF, and if I don't invite her there will be drama in that group. And she'll come anyways, as C's +1. Mrs. B, there is wiggle room. And maybe I am passive aggressive, but at least I'm not being rude to my guests. Jeez guys, what a way to make a girl feel crappier about an already crappy situation.
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  • In Response to Re: Why do people DO these things? (vent):
    [QUOTE]Jeez guys, what a way to make a girl feel crappier about an already crappy situation.
    Posted by lissadelsol[/QUOTE]

    No one was trying to make you feel crappy.  They were encouraging you to stand your ground and not invite someone you don't want to invite simply because she expected it.
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  • I can see that you saw some responses as pushy.  Really, we're trying to help you see that this person is pushing herself into your wedding and you don't have to back down if you truly don't want her at your wedding.
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  • In Response to Re: Why do people DO these things? (vent):
    [QUOTE]Froggie, I asked for her address before I got engaged. In July. When I collected a ton of addresses because I moved to a new country. It wasn't an accidental fb delete either, she deleted a bunch of other people too (including two BMs, thats how I know). And I'm probably going to cave because she and Cathy are BFF, and if I don't invite her there will be drama in that group. And she'll come anyways, as C's +1. Mrs. B, there is wiggle room. And maybe I am passive aggressive, but at least I'm not being rude to my guests. Jeez guys, what a way to make a girl feel crappier about an already crappy situation.
    Posted by lissadelsol[/QUOTE]

    Then let her come as C's +1. I wouldn't send her a formal invitation.

    My dad's ex-girlfriend conviced one of the guests to my dad's wedding to bring her as his +1. Do you think she would have been invited otherwise? Hell no. Do you think my mom was happy about it? Oh hell no. BUT, it's just one person, and it didn't ruin her day. Don't let this rude person ruin yours. :)
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  • I really don't think you should invite her.  If you weren't planning on it than don't do it!  If I ended up inviting al the people who ask me a passing question about their invite or this or that I tell them straight up if they aren't being invited!

    Nip it in the bud so you don't have to keep playing nice for months nd then feel resentment about having to spend extra money on all these people who you didn't want to stand up to.

    I know it can be hard, but just be strong, try and make light of the situation.  I would say something like Ohh I asked you for your address so we could keep in touch when I moved away!  That was before we got engaged!! I would love to have you at our wedding but we are having a very small reception.  I'd love to share my pictures with you afterward!!

    Usually people understand that the wedding reception is a huge expense, especially if you are having a sit down dinner and if they can't handle it then they are selfish!
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  • [QUOTE] Jeez guys, what a way to make a girl feel crappier about an already crappy situation.
    Posted by lissadelsol[/QUOTE]
    A few people were trying to help you avoid budget/space problems down the road, or find a reason for her odd behavior.  The rest were irritated on your behalf.  They were trying to support you, not tear you down.
    I agree with the majority here.  I'm not a Facebook person, but if a "friend" cut off a previously used method of contact, I would take it as them backing away from the friendship, and probably not worth the invite.  Inviting her as Chatty Cathy's +1 is nice, but definitely not necessary.
    If Cathy and this girl start dating, are you prepared to offer all four of them invites?
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  • In Response to Re: Why do people DO these things? (vent):
    [QUOTE]Froggie, I asked for her address before I got engaged. In July. When I collected a ton of addresses because I moved to a new country. It wasn't an accidental fb delete either, she deleted a bunch of other people too (including two BMs, thats how I know). And I'm probably going to cave because she and Cathy are BFF, and if I don't invite her there will be drama in that group. And she'll come anyways, as C's +1. Mrs. B, there is wiggle room. And maybe I am passive aggressive, but at least I'm not being rude to my guests. Jeez guys, what a way to make a girl feel crappier about an already crappy situation.
    Posted by lissadelsol[/QUOTE]

    Ahh... that makes more sense then :)
    But, don't invite her.  Like Eagles, I tend not to reward passive-aggressiveness.
    And I don't think anyone was trying to make you feel bad :/
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  • A friend requested my address, much like you did but never got an invitation, or any other mailing correspondance that would have indicated otherwise. Don't invite her if you don't want to. If she's a nice person (like PPs and myself) she wouldn't question it or make you feel like crap about it. Ignore her and chatty Cathy, esp now that you know Cathy is really chatty (don't talk to her about ANY wedding stuff). I'd say give chatty cathy a plus 1 and she can make her own decision as to who her guest is. She might find a Chatty Chad to bring ;)
  • I would be careful about facebook deletes being your reason to say your not friends...I know lots of people who have temporarly deactivated thier accounts (for whatever reason) or because of going into a professional field deleted anyone whose not a professional contact if they are leaving thier page public, or just get tired of those people who constantly update facebook, or send farmville invites etc (and as someone mentioned sometimes fb is just wierd and people get deleted! This has happened to me!)...If you considered her your friend before that happend, why did you never call or text her and ask her about it "hey yo I couldn't find you on facebook, wanted to see how your doing" and have a grown up conversation about it? Instead of assuming both her AND somone who you DO think is important enough to invite are trying to blackmail your wedding....

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  • I wouldn't. I would ignore her, in fact. You guys don't sound like close enough friends that you have an aching need to continue this relationship. Just ignore the message and move on.
  • Look, if someone deleted me from FB without sending a message like "Hey, I'm only going to use FB for professional contacts from now on" I would not invite them to the wedding just because they expected to be invited. And it sounds like there has been no contact since the great defriending.

    They cut off the friendship and now they want to come to my wedding?  hells no.

  • I know you all are right. It just sucks. And I'm cranky because this was the cherry on top of a really crappy day.

    I also can't say to Cathy "Don't bring annoyingfriend as your +1", so I feel like I'm cornered because she's going to end up there anyways. Ahhhh I don't need to worry about this now, there's time.
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  • I have a cousin well she is my dads cousin and I have only met her once and she made a nasty comment about not being invited to the wedding. She said she needed an excuse to come to Florida . I'm not giving her one. Don't invite the girl!!!
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  • [QUOTE]I also can't say to Cathy "Don't bring annoyingfriend as your +1", so I feel like I'm cornered because she's going to end up there anyways. 
    Posted by lissadelsol[/QUOTE]

    You don't have to give single friends a +1 unless you want to, or all your other single guests have them.  A SO isn't a +1, he's a part of a social unit.  Preferred etiquette is to address the invitation to the guest and guest's SO by name.
    If you decide to issue a blanket +1, you would write:  "Chatty Cathy and guest."  It's a nice offer, but it's not required.  You are right in that if you issue this kind of invite, you don't get to pick the guest.
    If Chatty Cathy has a boyfriend, you would write:  "Chatty Cathy and Gabby Greg."  If you issue this kind of invitiation, and if she tries to substitute, you can tell her the invite was for the named couple only.
    As long as you don't make any promises, you can wait to make your decision until invites go out.
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  • These boards tend to do that. :)  I posted ONE THING, and so many conclusions were jumped to I had to just stop following the stupid thing.

    But if you think it will cause less drama on your day...then go with inviting her. But dont punish the other person because more than likely they wont even show up with dates, just with eachother.

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  • In Response to Re: Why do people DO these things? (vent):
    [QUOTE]You don't have to give single friends a +1 unless you want to, or all your other single guests have them.  A SO isn't a +1, he's a part of a social unit.  Preferred etiquette is to address the invitation to the guest and guest's SO by name. If you decide to issue a blanket +1, you would write:  "Chatty Cathy and guest."  It's a nice offer, but it's not required.  You are right in that if you issue this kind of invite, you don't get to pick the guest. If Chatty Cathy has a boyfriend, you would write:  "Chatty Cathy and Gabby Greg."  If you issue this kind of invitiation, and if she tries to substitute, you can tell her the invite was for the named couple only. As long as you don't make any promises, you can wait to make your decision until invites go out.
    Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

    All this, you do not have to give chatty cathy a +1, nor would i invite the one who asked but never talks to you. Who cares what they think or if they talk after, if you don't want them there & did not have plans to invite them then don't have them. You will be giving in on a lot of issues if you start now with the wedding guest list.
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