Need Some Personal Advice.

artson

My sister and I are not close  I have not seen her since last Thanksgiving.  She only calls when she wants and needs something.  She and her husband bad mouth me and my fiance to other family members.  (She has never met my fiance).  She never calls on birthdays or holiday. 

s-aries8990

I would invite your sister and her husband, especially if you would like her children there. You aren't close now, but not inviting them could create a greater family rift than there already is, especially if your parents are alive and would be hurt. Just stick them in the back and once you greet them one time, don't go out of your way to make more conversation.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-personal-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df7c9fef-c65d-4d9e-964e-3235bb2f5b4fPost:50804f08-ed92-4f6c-8406-e6414c295b10">Need Some Personal Advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister and I are not close, despite living around the corner from each other.  I have not seen her since last Thanksgiving.  She only calls when she wants and needs something.  She and her husband bad mouth me and my fiance to other family members.  (She has never met my fiance).  She never calls on birthdays or holiday.  I am having a small wedding with family and close personal friends.  I would like to have my niece and nephew there, but am I obligated to invite my sister and her husband knowing in my heart I do not want them there?  
Posted by artson[/QUOTE]

<div>She is your sister.  Not inviting her and her husband to your wedding would sever any relationship you may have with her completely, and could potentially cause problems with your relationship with your parents as well.  I'd invite her, but I'm more the type to avoid drama by just dealing with it.</div>

lbarr088

As I said in the other thread that you posted I would invite them.  You really need to weigh you just not wanting them there with guaranteed family drama.  It usually is not worth it.  If there was a huge falling out then I'd think differently but that is not the case here.  You also want your niece and nephew there, so it only makes sense to invite the parents.

As for the bad-mouthing, that's something that you just are going to have to ignore.  Personally I think it's pretty stupid to bad-mouth to other family members.  It just makes them look bad.  Also, I doubt anyone would put up with that kind of behavior at a wedding and I doubt even more that they would actually do that at your wedding.

kmmssg

If you want a relationship with your niece and nephew you are going to have to invite your sister and her husband.  Someday when the kids are grown it won't be that way, but for now, they are a package deal.

I am all for ditching toxic people. even when there is DNA involved.  The only way to find the right answer for you is this:  what do you want for the big picture?  Are your parents still alive?  Local?  How do celebrate holidays/bdays/special events as a family?  Will any of that change if you snub your sister and her husband?

Also, by snubbing them, you are giving them YEARS of ammo against you - think big picture and decide how much this matters to you.  Big picture = years and years.  Wedding = one day.  Only you can make the decision here, you have all the info, we don't.

kmmssg

Can  you report the abuse?  Has CPS ever investigated?  It is heartbreaking for your nephew to be in that situation.  Any chance your sister is also abused and controlled?  It would be wierd in that situation for your BIL to let his kids go to holidays if he was controlling your sister, but I am just trying to cover all the bases here.

Since they don't attend holidays, do you think they will attend the wedding?  Any chance you and your mom can put your heads together so that mom can take the kids?  You would have to be very creative (ie manipulative) - kind of a "Well since you declined your sister's invitation to her wedding, can the kids ride with me?"

I'm guessing if they don't do holidays, they might just blow off your wedding too.  Have other close family members gotten married in the last few years?  Did they go?  Do you mind if I ask why they don't attend family holidays?

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-personal-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df7c9fef-c65d-4d9e-964e-3235bb2f5b4fPost:5efdb350-4800-441b-b90c-f075377825dc">Re: Need Some Personal Advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for this advice.  Our mother is still alive. We celebrate family holidays as a family.  For holidays my sister does not attend.  She drops her children off at my mom's house and keeps going.  No calls no card.  I have a relationship with my nephew he is a teenager and he and my son are close.  My niece calls when she wants and needs something (like her mom).  Like you said, she and her husband are very TOXIC.   I wouldn't mind inviting my sister for the sake of my mom.  <strong>But  her husband on the other hand is another story.  He's abusive verbally and physically (to his son, my nephew)</strong> and just the site of him makes my  blood boil.  Can I invite her and not him?
Posted by artson[/QUOTE]

<div>I completely agree with Stage.  But I also wanted to point out that not inviting him could cause him to lash out at his son as well. </div>

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Need Some Personal Advice.:[QUOTE]Yes the abuse has been reported and my nephew was removed from the home for a few months.nbsp; He's back now.nbsp; We don't know why my sister doesn't attend,nbsp;my mom thinks she is depressed,nbsp;the BIL does not abuse my sister....believe it or not...she's a cop.nbsp; My nephew already said he would attend.nbsp; Not so sure about my niece.nbsp; They fill her head with untruths,nbsp; tellingnbsp;my niece that, nbsp;quot;I don't love her and that in fact I don't love anybodyquot;.nbsp;nbsp;When my niece told me her mom said that, Inbsp;told her that was not true and that I did love her.nbsp; It broke my heart.nbsp; MyBIL is a jerk and I reallynbsp;would prefer he not attend.nbsp; Posted by artson[/QUOTE]

Being a cop doesn't preclude someone from being abused. Clearly, being a cop didn't mean squat when it came to her husband abusing her son. Children aren't removed from homes for no reason...

mcda04

I think you should invite them eventhough they will probably decline. Him being abusive towards his son makes me think he's abusive with all of them and he's "brain-washed" her and secluded from her family. this is typical behavior by an abusive person, work on the relationship with your sister.....

artson

Thank you!

Daizy106

I am in a similar situation. My sister only calls when she needs something. I have two MOH's and yes she is one of them. I have been engaged for almost a year now and she has not been there for me throughout this entire process.She is just not excited about it. WIth your situation, what I would do, it seems your relationship is a little more strained than mine bc she has a husband who also bad mouths you, i would invite them and let them make the decision of whether to come or not. If she does not come, its a win for you and lets you know where you stand. You are being the bigger person here by inviting her.

vikinggirl4

In a smiliar situation here. (I don't know the short hand, so bear with me) Finace's brother has been giving us the cold shoulder since we got engaged (even walked out before Mother's day dinner, right infront of his mom and only living grandma), we invited him and his common-law wife to the wedding. I was worried, because he tends to sit and sulk whenever we are there, but ... they RSVP'd no. Other family members know and are getting used to the idea. Now, we can say we have done everything to make amends and have not slighted anyone in the process. (Might put them in a bad light, but they checked off the decline box.) Remember, if they really don't want to be there, they have every right to NOT be there, and to decline your invitation.