How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??

cmlisenk

My father died when I was 14 (so 7 years ago) and my fiances parents have been divorced for 3 years.  My fiance and I just got engaged 12/11 and are planning for a wedding hopefully sometime in the fall of 2013.  My mom has a well paying job but not in the best financial shape to pay for everything that is expected of the bride's family.  My father inlaw to-be makes good money (he always makes a point of it) and my mother-in-law to be is in similar shape as my mother.  I know that budget talk is a touchy subject and we are trying to keep costs as low as we can for the type of wedding we want. I am just unsure as to how to approach this topic because while we are keeping the guest list divided by sides so no side invites more than the other, I feel it is unfair for my mom to have to pay for what is typically paid for by the brides family and I am unsure if my fiance's parents will agree or even understand my opinion.  Opinions please??

Something important I forgot to add is that my FMIL asked that I got a list of what the groom's family traditionally pays for so she knew what to give us for the wedding and my mom and I have always had an understanding that she would give a substantial amount of money for our wedding because she didn't want me to have to pay for my wedding the way she had to.  Therefore, I've always been under the assumption that I would have to pay for little of my wedding especially since I'm finishing school.  I know what they say about assuming but I suppose this is the way I had been raised.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-manageapproach-wedding-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e09bdb11-e854-4d57-8139-a8954ab39557Post:fb1a0eb8-7fdb-48b1-a218-9c6608d512be">How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??</a>:
[QUOTE]My father died when I was 14 (so 7 years ago) and my fiances parents have been divorced for 3 years.  My fiance and I just got engaged 12/11 and are planning for a wedding hopefully sometime in the fall of 2013. <strong> My mom has a well paying job but not in the best financial shape to pay for everything that is expected of the bride's family.  </strong>My father inlaw to-be makes good money (he always makes a point of it) and my mother-in-law to be is in similar shape as my mother.  I know that budget talk is a touchy subject and we are trying to keep costs as low as we can for the type of wedding we want. I am just unsure as to how to approach this topic because while we are keeping the guest list divided by sides so no side invites more than the other, I feel it is unfair for my mom to have to pay for what is typically paid for by the brides family and I am unsure if my fiance's parents will agree or even understand my opinion.  Opinions please??
Posted by cmlisenk[/QUOTE]

<div>Pay for your own wedding.  Parents are not required to pay for anything.</div><div>
</div><div>Do not ask either set of parents (or anyone else) for money.  If they offer, great, if not, it's your wedding - you pay for it.</div>

monkeysip

Don't ask anyone for help with your wedding.  If any offer, fantastic, but don't ask.

Problem solved!

amys325

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-manageapproach-wedding-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e09bdb11-e854-4d57-8139-a8954ab39557Post:fb1a0eb8-7fdb-48b1-a218-9c6608d512be">How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??</a>:
[QUOTE]My father died when I was 14 (so 7 years ago) and my fiances parents have been divorced for 3 years.  My fiance and I just got engaged 12/11 and are planning for a wedding hopefully sometime in the fall of 2013.  My mom has a well paying job but not in the best financial shape t<strong>o pay for everything that is expected of the bride's family.</strong>  My father inlaw to-be makes good money (he always makes a point of it) and my mother-in-law to be is in similar shape as my mother.  I know that budget talk is a touchy subject and we are trying to keep costs as low as we can for the type of wedding we want. I am just unsure as to how to approach this topic because while we are keeping the guest list divided by sides so no side invites more than the other, I feel it is unfair for my mom to have to pay for what is typically paid for by the brides family and I am unsure if my fiance's parents will agree or even understand my opinion.  Opinions please??
Posted by cmlisenk[/QUOTE]

No one besides the Bride and Groom are expected to pay for anything.

You and your FI need to budget for a wedding that you can afford on your own.

ahhhitsshannyn

Plan the wedding you can afford. Easy peasy.

chumlee7478

Please do not ask anyone for money.

Plan the party you can afford and are comfortable paying for, and be happy with that. If anyone along the way offers to contribute, thank them graciously.  

No one but you and your FI are on the hook to pay for anything, and if you can't afford it, don't do it. 

My FI and I planned the whole event soup to nuts on our budget.  My parents stepped in last month with a very generous contribution, and we were/are grateful for it.  It's allowed us to step up areas of the reception we wanted to, and invite more family.  However, without that, we were planning a memorable day on our dime.  No debt, no tears.  And, definitely, no asking my parents for money. 

chelseamb11

Nobody is required to pay for anything other than you and your fiance.  Plan a wedding you can afford. If they offer money, use it to do extras.

krizzo17

So, ignoring your idea that either set of parents *should* pay for anything, here's how we came up with a budget:

Sit down and discuss how much money the two of you have in savings, how much money you make, and how much debt you have. Your number 1 priority should be paying off debt, not planning a wedding.

If you have a steady income, can manage your debt repayment, and still have some in savings, determine how much of that you are willing to spend on a wedding. This is your total budget.

If you have an income, can manage debt repayment, and don't have a substantial amount in savings, figure out how much you can put aside each paycheck/month, and how long you are willing to be engaged. The amount you can save in this time is your budget.

If you do not have a steady income and have money in the bank, figure out how much you need to live for the rest of your life, the remainder is your wedding budget.

If you have no income, can not manage your debt repayment, and have nothing in savings, you have two choices: save your spare change until you have enough for a JoP wedding at the courthouse, or wait until you are in a more stable place to get married

AMYM312

You and your FI need to sit down and figure out how much money you can afford to put aside each  month until the time frame you want to get married and that will be your budget. My FI & I decided we can both afford to save $5k each over the next year so our budget is 10k. Never in a million years would I ask my family to help with the wedding. If they offer than that is great. But since you have been engaged for over a month and they have not offered then I doubt they will at this point.

jemmini6

The tradition of what the bride's family and groom's family pays for is very antiquated and no longer the standard.  In those days, weddings were held in a church, with a cake and punch reception in the church's hall afterwards, which is why it wasn't expecting too much for the bride's family to pay for it.

These days, it is expected that the couple pays for their own weddings, which makes sense if you think about it.  It's YOUR wedding, so why should your parents pay for it?

Long story short, DO NOT ask anyone for money.  Plan the wedding you can afford yourself, and if someone offers, then you should be very appreciative since it is in no way their responsibility.

chrmun

We sat down and decided roughly what kind of wedding we wanted to have.  We asked ourselves what was important and what was less so.  Then we factored in roughly how many people we wanted to have there.  We used that information to guesstimate how much that would cost.  Then we took that number and figured out how long it would take us to save that much.  Then we set our date based on that.  Oh yeah, we also didn't ask anybody for money.

littleluckypenny

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it.  Gone are the days of expectations that parents pay for weddings.  If they offer (you DO NOT ASK), great!  Remember that strings come attached to that money as well, and never count on promises until the money is in your hand.

You and your FI can plan a wonderful celebration and not go into debt.  It may not be your fairy-tale dream, but it can still be memorable.   Good luck to you.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-manageapproach-wedding-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e09bdb11-e854-4d57-8139-a8954ab39557Post:4b9dff0f-ce38-4404-bfe4-4219dedac622">Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??</a>:
[QUOTE]So, ignoring your idea that either set of parents *should* pay for anything, here's how we came up with a budget: Sit down and discuss how much money the two of you have in savings, how much money you make, and how much debt you have. Your number 1 priority should be paying off debt, not planning a wedding. If you have a steady income, can manage your debt repayment, and still have some in savings, determine how much of that you are willing to spend on a wedding. This is your total budget. If you have an income, can manage debt repayment, and don't have a substantial amount in savings, figure out how much you can put aside each paycheck/month, and how long you are willing to be engaged. The amount you can save in this time is your budget. If you do not have a steady income and have money in the bank, figure out how much you need to live for the rest of your life, the remainder is your wedding budget. If you have no income, can not manage your debt repayment, and have nothing in savings, you have two choices: save your spare change until you have enough for a JoP wedding at the courthouse, or wait until you are in a more stable place to get married
Posted by krizzo17[/QUOTE]
All of this.<div>
</div><div>My parents always said they'd pay for at least part of my wedding, but I didn't want to assume that would still hold true the day I actually get engaged. Since we started dating, we knew we wanted to get married. We started a joint savings & put away every month. I started a more aggressive payment plan to pay off my debt. By the time we were engaged about 3 months, it was totally paid off.</div><div>
</div><div>We look at how much money we had saved & how much money we could both save monthly (after accounting for paying off my debt). That amount became our total budget for our wedding, honeymoon & future apartment. It wasn't much, but what we had. My dad asked what it was & then gave me the exact same amount. I NEVER asked him to contribute anything. So, we're using our money to fund the wedding/honeymoon & my dad's money to furnish the apartment & save a nest egg for a rainy day. </div>

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-manageapproach-wedding-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e09bdb11-e854-4d57-8139-a8954ab39557Post:7d01749d-bb5c-4259-aa59-b2b906ac0ba0">Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget?? : That is awesome.  My parents very generously paid for my wedding, but I made a deal with them that if I found something cheaper, that the difference would go towards a DP for a house.  I am so excited about it.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
That's my kind of deal! I guess this was kind of similar because they said I could use it towards a deposit & furniture for a new place & whatever I didn't use could be saved or used on getting a new car. I plan on running this old thing into the ground. 150K+ miles on it & still going. <div>
</div><div>We're fortunate that our parents can contribute to some or all of the expenses. OP, that does NOT always happen.</div>

cindyn9178

I disagree with some of these comments about "not asking for money".
If you have a good relationship with your parents/mom/dad/whatever, there is no reason you cannot ask them about possibly helping pay for the wedding. What are they going to do, disown you? I mean, seriously.
I'm not suggesting that you tell your mom that she needs to pay for x,y,z and give you this amount of $. What I"m saying is, why is it so wrong to have an adult conversation with your mom about the finances for the wedding?
After we got engaged, we each spoke with our parents and discussed what, if anything, they wanted to give us to help with the wedding. None of our parents were offended by the question.

StephBeanWed61502

Don't put your parents on the spot by asking for money.  Presumably, if they were intending to pay for or contribute to your wedding, that's information they're going to share with you when you get engaged.  It's not like they're going to forget that you're getting married and they meant to contribute to it if you don't ask them about it.  To me, asking at all is presumptuous, because it implies that you have any say whatsoever in what your parents do with their personal finances - not cool.  Plan the wedding that you and your FI can afford - if parents step forward, then use the extra money in your budget to upgrade something (for example, we just found out FMIL is going to cover our rehearsal dinner, so we decided to use what we'd set aside for the RD to add a photobooth) or, as PPs have suggested, save it for a house down payment or similar home expense.

As for how to come up with your budget, Krizzo gave great advice above.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-manageapproach-wedding-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e09bdb11-e854-4d57-8139-a8954ab39557Post:c7394eb1-2f08-4a05-acc7-167dfadd84f3">Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with some of these comments about "not asking for money". If you have a good relationship with your parents/mom/dad/whatever, there is no reason you cannot ask them about possibly helping pay for the wedding. What are they going to do, disown you? I mean, seriously. I'm not suggesting that you tell your mom that she needs to pay for x,y,z and give you this amount of $. <strong>What I"m saying is, why is it so wrong to have an adult conversation with your mom about the finances for the wedding?</strong> After we got engaged, we each spoke with our parents and discussed what, if anything, they wanted to give us to help with the wedding. None of our parents were offended by the question.
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]
Because its not their business how much it costs. Basically you are asking them for a gift, which is a no no. Just because your parents didn't tell you they were offended doesn't mean its the right thing to do. I, for one, never discuss finances with my parents. Its not their business how DH or I spend our money. <div>
</div><div>Adults don't need to ask their parents for money. To have a conversation with your parents where you ask them for money would actually be childish, not adult. </div>

mollyehren

Parents are not dumb. If they can contribute they will likely volunteer what they will give. DO NOT BUDGET ON THIS AMOUNT UNTIL YOU PHYSICALLY HAVE IT! Many brides have been promised funds and made plans only to have them recinded. BE GRATEFUL FOR ANYTHING PROVIDED, then pay for the rest yourself. You might have to change your vision of your wedding but at the end of the day a very nice wedding can be done for alot less than many spend and your still married.

cindyn9178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-manageapproach-wedding-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e09bdb11-e854-4d57-8139-a8954ab39557Post:ea5f1ef2-c551-4cec-a856-2a46eae30c7b">Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget?? : Because its not their business how much it costs. Basically you are asking them for a gift, which is a no no. Just because your parents didn't tell you they were offended doesn't mean its the right thing to do. I, for one, never discuss finances with my parents. Its not their business how DH or I spend our money.  Adults don't need to ask their parents for money. To have a conversation with your parents where you ask them for money would actually be childish, not adult. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
I guess I have an amazing open relationship with parents then, because I don't have to worry about what is a "no-no" and what I can and cannot talk to them about. That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard.It has nothing to do with being childish. It is about being able to talk to your parents about anything and everything.

cmlisenk

Thanks for your support! We're planning on sitting down with our parents soon but I was just hoping to get some ideas on how to approach this issue.  Thanks again!

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-manageapproach-wedding-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e09bdb11-e854-4d57-8139-a8954ab39557Post:8bf90262-1ee5-4a69-a0ca-ba5eb60a6df1">Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget?? :<strong> I guess I have an amazing open relationship with parents then, because I don't have to worry about what is a "no-no" and what I can and cannot talk to them about. </strong>That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard.It has nothing to do with being childish. It is about being able to talk to your parents about anything and everything.
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

<div>Asking your parents for money is not a sign of an amazing open relationship with your parents, nor is it an adult conversation about money.  </div>

toothpastechica

I probably breached ettiquite, but I also understand how hard it is to budget when you don't know if money is coming from anywhere but your own pockets. I know my parents are not rich and I wasn't about to ask that they help financially, but I did bring up with my mom that we were working on our wedding planning and if they would like to be involved in any way. My mother then said that they had discussed paying for the catering. So I guess it was a indirect question, and I am super grateful for thier generous gift. If she had said she would help me with DIY or addressing envalopes I would have been just as thankful, they are not required to help, but its sure awesome when they do!

cindyn9178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-manageapproach-wedding-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e09bdb11-e854-4d57-8139-a8954ab39557Post:b428f70e-cb66-49d4-9278-82e80d29150f">Re: How should I manage/approach my wedding budget??</a>:
[QUOTE]I probably breached ettiquite, but I also understand how hard it is to budget when you don't know if money is coming from anywhere but your own pockets. I know my parents are not rich and I wasn't about to ask that they help financially<strong>, but I did bring up with my mom that we were working on our wedding planning and if they would like to be involved in any way</strong>. My mother then said that they had discussed paying for the catering. So I guess it was a indirect question, and I am super grateful for thier generous gift. If she had said she would help me with DIY or addressing envalopes I would have been just as thankful, they are not required to help, but its sure awesome when they do!
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I am talking about. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your parents something like that. It does not make you chlidish or any less of an adult to ask a question like this. It is not the same as saying "mom and dad, we want to have a huge, over the top wedding, but we can't afford to pay a dime. Can you please give us $20,000 to pay for the wedding? Thanks".

[Deleted User]

Most ppl on TK are ardently against asking parents for money. Personally, I don't think having a "check in" with parents is inappropriate (depending on your relationship with them). However, I'd plan what you can afford just in case. Also, many people on TK will say that bride's parents paying for the wedding/ groom's parent's paying for the rehearsal it outdated. I'm certain that a lot of the time it is. But in my FI circle, it is the norm. And to a certain a large, it's the norm in mine as well.