FSIL's fiance's family and one of her childhood friends?

mgg242

Were doing a low key wedding with a guest count of 230 at a night club.  People won't need their invitations to get in to the reception.  My FSIL asked if she could invite her childhood friend and then asked if she could also invite her fiance's family.  I was taken back and never want to offend anyone so out of gut reaction I said sure.

I don't know what to do, should I let it be or have my FI tell her that it's not cool to invite someone who neither of us know?

Thanks

goodine11

Yup, I would got through MY FI to let her know this cant happen. If he not up for it, I would tell her we have to account those in our budget, and the budget does not allow for those people.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsils-fiances-family-one-of-her-childhood-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0a14822-4c9f-4b91-987f-2218190bdda8Post:7357b28c-7993-4276-bb5d-5af26a7901e0">FSIL's fiance's family and one of her childhood friends?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Were doing a low key wedding with a guest count of 230 at a night club. </strong> People won't need their invitations to get in to the reception.  My FSIL asked if she could invite her childhood friend and then asked if she could also invite her fiance's family.  I was taken back and never want to offend anyone so out of gut reaction I said sure. I don't know what to do, should I let it be or have my FI tell her that it's not cool to invite someone who neither of us know? Thanks
Posted by mgg242[/QUOTE]

I feel like there's an oxymoron in here somewhere. Low Key? 230 people? Night club? This doesn't make sense. Are you renting out the entire club? Are people having to pay a cover? Are you paying for everyone's food & drinks? Your low key part sounds like a "everyone come party, but we're not paying for you".

Please clarify.

As for your FSIL, have your FI tell her there was some miscommunication and she will not be able to invite her friends and FIs family.

I'm skeptical this isn't MUD.

mgg242

Thank you ladies!  I know my knee jerk reaction got me in a bind and now a bad situation of having to say no

Low key for our Mexican families is 230.  We're renting out the whole club.  No cover but that is a great idea (sarcasm).  Huge food and dessert buffets alcohol is not covered.

RebeccaB88

She was kind of out of line for asking if she could bring everyone and their family with her when she was the only one invited, though.  Not fair of her to ask that of you.

And if you're serving alcohol, you need to be paying for it.  Don't ask guests to pay for their own drinks.

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsils-fiances-family-one-of-her-childhood-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0a14822-4c9f-4b91-987f-2218190bdda8Post:a7223bfc-e020-4609-90cc-484a8dd92783">Re: FSIL's fiance's family and one of her childhood friends?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you ladies!  I know my knee jerk reaction got me in a bind and now a bad situation of having to say no :( Low key for our Mexican families is 230.  We're renting out the whole club.  No cover but that is a great idea (sarcasm).  Huge food and dessert buffets<strong> alcohol is not covered</strong>.
Posted by mgg242[/QUOTE]

<div>Your guests should not have to pull out their wallets at your wedding.  AT ALL.  You should cover the bar tab even if it's just beer or beer and wine.</div>

RaptorSLH

If alcohol is not covered, make sure you do cover plenty of soft drinks.  It doesn't have to be booze, but you do need to make sure the guests at a party you're hosting don't go thirsty.

You weren't obligated to tell her yes, but now that you have, I don't think you can take it back.

Simply Fated

Wait, is just the alcohol not covered or is the food and dessert not covered, either?

mgg242

We are covering the food and dessert buffets.  Soft drinks, iced tea and my famous strawberry lemonade.  We are not covering any alcohol.  We went to four weddings this last year and all of them had cash bars.

bmoruzzi

Don't you need a head count for food/dessert purposes?  Of course invites aren't checked at the door.  That doesn't happen at any wedding.  

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsils-fiances-family-one-of-her-childhood-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0a14822-4c9f-4b91-987f-2218190bdda8Post:5f1fee32-86d8-4b3b-8003-52797bdb09f6">Re: FSIL's fiance's family and one of her childhood friends?</a>:
[QUOTE] We are not covering any alcohol.  We went to four weddings this last year and all of them had cash bars.
Posted by mgg242[/QUOTE]


You had me until there.

If everyone jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you?

Whether or not you choose to have an open bar or a cash bar, please don't use the excuse of, "but moooommm, all the OTHER kids are doing iiiit!!!"

StephBeanWed61502

Cash bar isn't polite, but you already know that, so I'll just leave that there.

As for the extra people, since you already said yes, I think you're stuck hosting them.  Annoying, yes, and definitely don't let FSIL add any more guests to your list, but it sounds like these people are her friends, and maybe she'll have a better time with them there since she knows them?  As someone with a mildly difficult FSIL myself, I can't help but think that it's probably not a bad thing for your relationship with her to accommodate her a little bit.  It's definitely a little rude of her to try to force guests you don't know on you, but don't compound the rudeness by uninviting them.

RaptorSLH

If cash bars are common in her circle, it doesn't make them etiquette proper, but it does mean it's unlikly that her guests will be offended.  In my family, no one, from the grandparents on down, writes thank you notes for routine occasions.  In some circles, parents are addressed with a "yes sir" or "yes maam."   In others mother and father, mom and dad, or even Judy and Steven suffice.  Emily Post might have a heart attack at the thought, but that's life. 

As someone hosting a nearly dry wedding myself (toast only) I really can't get all fired up about this.  Hosting a soft drink only wedding is proper, but hosting soft drinks only with access to alcohol for those that want to pay is "OMG your so rood?!" But then, I've never been fond of the way our society responds to alcohol.  Honestly, it's the choice of venue I find peculiar.  If I weren't planning to keep the liquor flowing, I wouldn't consider hosting in a night club.  But for a group used to cash bars, and with soft drinks available, it probably won't be as big a deal to her cicle as it is on this board.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsils-fiances-family-one-of-her-childhood-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0a14822-4c9f-4b91-987f-2218190bdda8Post:8e16de47-c097-4a92-b794-5885278c7639">Re: FSIL's fiance's family and one of her childhood friends?</a>:
[QUOTE]If cash bars are common in her circle, it doesn't make them etiquette proper, but it does mean it's unlikly that her guests will be offended.  In my family, no one, from the grandparents on down, writes thank you notes for routine occasions.  In some circles, parents are addressed with a "yes sir" or "yes maam."   In others mother and father, mom and dad, or even Judy and Steven suffice.  Emily Post might have a heart attack at the thought, but that's life.  As someone hosting a nearly dry wedding myself (toast only) I really can't get all fired up about this.  <strong>Hosting a soft drink only wedding is proper, but hosting soft drinks only with access to alcohol for those that want to pay is "OMG your so rood?!" </strong>But then, I've never been fond of the way our society responds to alcohol.  Honestly, it's the choice of venue I find peculiar.  If I weren't planning to keep the liquor flowing, I wouldn't consider hosting in a night club.  But for a group used to cash bars, and with soft drinks available, it probably won't be as big a deal to her cicle as it is on this board.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>As to the bolded, it seems to me that if alcohol is important enough to your social circle that you feel obligated, as a host, to offer it, then it's your job as a host to pay for it (and I kind of think this is true for pretty much any party, not just a wedding, and for any item you would offer, not just alcohol.  Example: some of my friends are vegetarians, so when I invite them over, I feel it's important to have vegetarian options available to them.  I don't make them pay for the vegetarian meals just because they're in the minority of my guests, KWIM?).  </div><div>
</div><div>If your social circle doesn't care, then just don't have alcohol at all (or have it in a limited way, like just a toast, or just a few bottles of wine on the tables, etc.).  I don't think everyone has to have alcohol at their wedding, but I do think that if it's so important to you that you feel like you're required to offer it, you should pay for it.  

</div>

staceycaine

You're not properly hosting the people ON your guest list, and you want to add more? No.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]if alcohol is important enough to your social circle that you feel obligated, as a host, to offer it, then it's your job as a host to pay for it (and I kind of think this is true for pretty much any party, not just a wedding, and for any item you would offer, not just alcohol. 
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>In my circle, pot-luck meals, and yes, pot-luck or BYOB alcohol are both common.  (Granted, weddings fall under different rules, even for us.)  As for your vegetarian example, there's a difference between making sure that everyone has something, and no one leaves hungry, vs catering to the most extravagant or expensive appetite.
</div>

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsils-fiances-family-one-of-her-childhood-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0a14822-4c9f-4b91-987f-2218190bdda8Post:b9d3fae8-4090-4bb2-8f6a-9c7095dc7b05">Re: FSIL's fiance's family and one of her childhood friends?</a>:
[QUOTE]In my circle, pot-luck meals, and yes, pot-luck or BYOB alcohol are both common.  (Granted, weddings fall under different rules, even for us.)  As for your vegetarian example, there's a difference between making sure that everyone has something, and no one leaves hungry, vs catering to the most extravagant or expensive appetite.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

<div>Honestly, if a cash bar or a BYOB wedding is cool in your circle for weddings, then go for it.  That said, I still won't recommend it to anyone on these boards, because both etiquette and my personal experience tell me it's not polite.  And alcohol really doesn't have to be "extravagant" or "expensive" - most of the venues around here include top-shelf open bar in the catering costs for no additional money at all.  </div><div>
</div><div>Also, frankly, catering to my vegan FSIL can get mighty expensive (and plenty of people in the family choose not to accommodate her for that reason), but since it's important to me to properly host her, I lay out the cash to do it.  I could tell her to just eat the dinner rolls and the salad, like some people do, and it wouldn't cost me anything extra, and she'd do it because she's a polite dinner guest, but I'd rather spend a little extra to make sure she has a nice experience as a guest in my home.  </div><div>
</div><div>Alcohol at weddings is expected in my circle, so I found a hall that includes open bar in the catering cost and still fits within my budget, because it'll add to my guests' experience.  I guess my only point is, if it's <em>that</em> important, you should pay for it.  Obviously if it's not that important, there's no need to pay for it, but OP is having a wedding at a nightclub, for crissakes.  I'd bet alcohol is important to her social circle.  </div><div>
</div><div>ETA:  If you personally have a moral/philosophical/religious objection to alcohol, then I think you're free not to serve it even if your guests would prefer it, just as I wouldn't expect my Jewish friends to serve pork at their weddings just because some of their non-Jewish friends will eat it.</div>

RaptorSLH

Making recommendations based on your experience the most universal accepted standards is certainly fair enough.

I do have to strongly disagree with your conclusion that alcohol is not a significant expense.   The venues around here that include open bars are substantially more expensive than the ones that don't.  Only the more upscale venues include any sort of alcohol cost as part of the package. We'd have to double our budget to get open bar included for the cocktail hour alone.  "Top shelf" would be additional cost on top of that, as would drinks for the rest of the evening.  We could, however, accomodate a vegan for almost no additional cost.

We have several very heavy drinkers - some underage, some with expensive taste, some who frequently drive intoxicated - in our close family.   Without a bartender to assume liablity for us, we become liable.   And providing all that alcohol would mean either leaving our close friends off of the guest list, or sacrificing things like food and comfortable event space, that impact the enjoyment of all the guests, drinking and sober alike.

We have not been extravagant with the guest list, flowers, or other details.  Alcohol should not be required to have a good time.   A pair of lightweights should not have to plan their wedding around the appetites of the heavy drinkers.  So we're not.  We are not telling guests to BYOB, but I expect several of the drinkers will choose to do so.  Those who cannot be happy for us sober, or who are offended that we are not providing free booze, are welcome to stay home.  We will have that much better a time with those who love us more than they love liquor.

I'm glad your budget and your local facilities make an open bar easy.  Please don't assume the same is true for everyone.

mgg242

Thank you all for your opinions. 

Our famlies are coming over the end of this month to help with some DIY projects.  My FI has decided to take this opportunity to remind everyone that their invite includes them and their significant other.  He is going to say it as a general statement.

To comment on where this post ended up going.
After reading the comments about not properly hosting our wedding I spoke with both of our families, a cousin who was married in August and did a cash bar as well as a few of our other cousins.  It is true that we are having our reception in a club, but everyone has told me they don't feel that means we need to have an open bar.  A few thought the cash bar was a smart idea.  This is a party to celebrate but they don't feel we have to provide them alcohol to do that. But they do want the option to buy drinks. 

I understand that for some this is not something that should be done.  I apperciate your comments and advice.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsils-fiances-family-one-of-her-childhood-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0a14822-4c9f-4b91-987f-2218190bdda8Post:32032391-e38c-400d-96cf-1f5d851cae05">Re: FSIL's fiance's family and one of her childhood friends?</a>:
[QUOTE]Making recommendations based on your experience the most universal accepted standards is certainly fair enough. I do have to strongly disagree with your conclusion that alcohol is not a significant expense.   The venues around here that include open bars are substantially more expensive than the ones that don't.  Only the more upscale venues include any sort of alcohol cost as part of the package. We'd have to double our budget to get open bar included for the cocktail hour alone.  "Top shelf" would be additional cost on top of that , as would drinks for the rest of the evening.  We could, however, accomodate a vegan for almost no additional cost. We have several very heavy drinkers - some underage, some with expensive taste, some who frequently drive intoxicated - in our close family.   Without a bartender to assume liablity for us, we become liable.   And providing all that alcohol would mean either leaving our close friends off of the guest list, or sacrificing things like food and comfortable event space, that impact the enjoyment of all the guests, drinking and sober alike. We have not been extravagant with the guest list, flowers, or other details.  Alcohol should not be required to have a good time.   <strong>A pair of lightweights should not have to plan their wedding around the appetites of the heavy drinkers.  So we're not.</strong>  We are not telling guests to BYOB, but I expect several of the drinkers will choose to do so.  Those who cannot be happy for us sober, or who are offended that we are not providing free booze, are welcome to stay home.  We will have that much better a time with those who love us more than they love liquor.<strong> I'm glad your budget and your local facilities make an open bar easy.  Please don't assume the same is true for everyone.</strong>
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>As to the first bold, as I said, I don't think anyone has to provide alcohol, I only think that if you are, you should pay for it, just as you would pay for food for a vegan if you decide to make it available.  You can decide it's too expensive (or that you just plain don't want to cater to drinkers, for whatever personal/moral/philosophical reasons you may have) and you're therefore not providing it, and that's a completely legitimate choice - as I have said repeatedly in my posts.  I just find it odd that anyone would provide something without paying for it, which is what you're doing if you have a cash bar.  (Guests who BYOB without the bride & groom's encouragement/approval - say, by bringing a flask or something - are obviously a different story, and the hosts clearly don't need to be the alcohol police.  Guests can do whatever they want on that front, as long as the hosts are not the ones saying "hey everyone, bring a flask because we don't want to fund your drinking!")</div><div>
</div><div>As to the second bold, honestly, I'm kind of feeling like you were the one who assumed it was expensive and extravagant in your post.  My only point was that this isn't true for everyone, just as it isn't true for everyone that it's inexpensive. 
</div>

Chilattegirl

Tell her she can invite her fiance's family and her childhood friends to  HER wedding.
You aren't expecting to bring YOUR fam to her wedding.