"I'm bringing a date"

Goldlie11

I have a family member that will have to travel about 900 miles to get to my wedding.  She is going through a divorce.  She said that she plans to stay with some family when she comes to the wedding (in NYC).  Then she informs me that she's bringing a date.  Here are my issues:

1.  I was under the impression that you don't get to bring a date unless you are seriously involved.  She's not even dating anyone.

2.  the wedding is about 20 months away, we don't need to really talk about it now.

3.  My fiance and I are keeping the guest list to our closest family and friends.  Some random date is not a close family or friend.

4.  Where the hell is this random person supposed to stay?  With our family.  

I told her that she cannot bring a date unless she is involved with someone seriously.  She insists she going to bring a date.  Am I wrong to be annoyed?  

janedoe1113a

Yes, it's rude of her to tell you that's she's bringing a date.  But at the same time, is one extra person going to be that horrible?  She's traveling a really long distance by herself to come to your wedding.  And it's not your business where her date is going to stay.

Deal with this closer to the date.

sucrets4

I'd tell her to stfu and revisit the issue in a year.

bbyckes

I like you.  You are 100% entitled to be more than annoyed.

agk0125

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-bringing-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0b2cbbe-3ea2-4fe0-a1e0-910d60383552Post:1258f89f-a4b8-4cbe-8b9a-bcd00c8f934b">"I'm bringing a date"</a>:
[QUOTE] the wedding is about 20 months away, we don't need to really talk about it now.[/QUOTE]

EXACTLY.

Goldlie11

I agree that it's none of my business where her "date" will stay.  It just doesn't even make sense that someone she's not seriously involved with will want to travel that far to attend someone's tiny wedding.  I would also assume that he would feel kind of left out.  

At this point, I feel like there's not too much of a point in discussing it with her any further.  I'm annoyed, but I'll get over it.  

notquiteblushing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-bringing-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0b2cbbe-3ea2-4fe0-a1e0-910d60383552Post:3aa482ab-0da3-41f5-b9da-bdbfffcd6a16">Re: "I'm bringing a date"</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd tell her to stfu and revisit the issue in a year.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Yes exactly.

ootmother2

She's dumb and rude  but wait until next year to tell her that

lpstl

What oot said.

katyboo

Yep, I'd agree with those who have said "let it go for now, revisit in a year"... she might be with someone by then, she might have someone talk some better manners into her by then, or you may be able to figure out another resolution.  You have the benefit of time on your hands - I'd let it go for now and have fun with the rest of it  

RachNRich

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-bringing-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0b2cbbe-3ea2-4fe0-a1e0-910d60383552Post:709777bf-72c3-4f64-aa59-ae4096734374">Re: "I'm bringing a date"</a>:
[QUOTE]She's dumb and rude  but wait until next year to tell her that
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

OOT FTW!

Goldlie11

I just thought I should add that when I told her we would talk about it later and see if she's dating anyone closer to the wedding, this was her response: "If I have to find some random guy at the airport, I'm bringing a date".  That's the comment that really pissed me off.  I realize she wasn't being literal, but she basically said she's planning to bring any-old-body.  

janedoe1113a

That's when I would say that she's not welcome if she's going to be so rude.

missy68

Your family member is absolutely in the wrong.

However, let me add this:  as someone who attended two weddings right after my divorce, it was very, very hard and awkward.  I knew the people at both (one was a college friend, one was my cousin), yet, I felt like I was going to get lost inside my old self going alone(more so to the college friend's wedding). It was scary. I really, really wanted to bring the person I was involved with at the time, even if he didn't go to the ceremony/reception.  If she's going through the divorce right now, her statement may be stemming from a place like that.  There are a few of us on here - I don't know if anyone else shares that feeling, and it's hard to put into words. Definitely don't address it until a year or so.

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-bringing-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0b2cbbe-3ea2-4fe0-a1e0-910d60383552Post:202e8e8f-20b0-4dbe-b7a6-c26a731d6ab2">Re: "I'm bringing a date"</a>:
[QUOTE]Your family member is absolutely in the wrong. However, let me add this:  as someone who attended two weddings right after my divorce, it was very, very hard and awkward.  I knew the people at both (one was a college friend, one was my cousin), yet, I felt like I was going to get lost inside my old self going alone(more so to the college friend's wedding). It was scary. I really, really wanted to bring the person I was involved with at the time, even if he didn't go to the ceremony/reception.  If she's going through the divorce right now, her statement may be stemming from a place like that.  There are a few of us on here - I don't know if anyone else shares that feeling, and it's hard to put into words. Definitely don't address it until a year or so.
Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]
Thank you for giving me another perspective.  Luckily she will be divorced for over a year when I get married (I say this because she had a tough marriage).  If she is involved with someone and wants to bring him, that's fine.  It's her whole, "I'm bringing anyone" attitude that upsets me.  <div>
</div><div>I'm not going to bring it up with her again.  I vented here and I'm feeling better.  I have other things to worry about.   </div>

missy68

It's harsh to face that dating scene all over again, especially after a tough marriage (mine was ugly, too). Weddings are scary in that situation. My first thought after my divorce was, Thank God that's over! then, it was - holy hell; how on earth do I date as an adult?

I'm not telling you you're wrong; you are right - your family member is in the wrong.  Sounds like you've got a good grip on the situation!

mags0607

Yeah, you are right to be annoyed by the "I'm bringing anyone" mentality, but you have a long time to let this situation work itself out. Also, it is likely that her rudeness is stemmed from vulnerability, so its better just to push this one under the rug until a later date. 

thesuninherhead

Just forget about it. For all you know, she could be in a serious relationship by the time invites go out- 20 months is a LONG time. 

tbh33

Etiquette wise you are correct.  It's rude of her to assume she is getting a +1, or invite someone along anyway after you addressed the invite to just her.  BUT, I think you should give her a +1 since she's having to travel so far (it would be the nice thing to do anyway).  Plus in 20 months, things can change, and she could be seriously involved with someone at that time. 

PreppySailor

If your wedding is 20 months away I wouldn't worry about it yet. She could be married by then, or have a kid that she wants to bring.

tbh33

Ok just saw your post about bringing a random guy from the airport if she had to.  Yeah I'd definitely be a little ticked off.  But you're definitely doing the right thing by waiting until closer to your date.

Kristin789

Turn the whole thing over to your mother.  Her name is on the top line of your invitation as the host of the event, and this family member is likely from her side anyway.

And if this family member contacts YOU again because she thinks she can manipulate YOU, you say, "Oh, Helen - my parents are hosting the wedding, and I'm sure they have finished the guest list."

ndzenowski

I think you have every right to be irritated. It isn't as though she doesn't know anyone at the wedding.

jessiegirl_98

I totally agree that according to etiquette, she can't just bring anyone.

On the other hand, cut her some slack.  It's 20 months away, so there is no reason to worry now. Secondly, if she's divoriced for over a year when you get married and that's 20 months away, is she currently going through the divorice process? You can imagine how hard it could be for her to even think about your wedding now, much less going alone.

jessiegirl_98

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-bringing-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0b2cbbe-3ea2-4fe0-a1e0-910d60383552Post:175f918e-3488-4dfa-9f93-44349853d388">Re: "I'm bringing a date"</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally agree that according to etiquette, she can't just bring anyone. On the other hand, cut her some slack.  It's 20 months away, so there is no reason to worry now. Secondly, if she's divoriced for over a year when you get married and that's 20 months away, is she currently going through the divorice process? You can imagine how hard it could be for her to even think about your wedding now, much less going alone.
Posted by jessiegirl_98[/QUOTE]

Sorry for the spelling!

ExpatPumpkin

Yes, it's rude for her to assume she can bring a date...  But, she is traveling 900 miles on her own.  I assume she'll be in town for at least the weekend and she'll probably want to have someone to hang out with besides the family (who'll be up to their ears in wedding stuff). 

I think you should take the high road here, be a gracious hostess, and be welcoming to her and her guest.  Again, she's traveling 900 miles for you  

[Deleted User]

Well perhaps she's planning on being serious with the person in 20 months? haha Or maybe she's planning on finding someone? It is rude of her to say she's bringing a date without first asking if she could-then again she is traveling a bit of a ways. I would say just to wait it out and revisit the issue later.

eastunder1

I'm so glad to see that Kristennumbers didn't get lost in the great board switch over.  I don't know how we would fill that open position in the crazy department if she had. 

fangsiting

I was under the impression that you don't get to bring a date unless you are seriously involved.  She's not even dating anyone.

This is a little awkward.  You aren't required to give a plus one unless someone is in a serious relationship.  There's no rule that prohibits someone from inviting all guests with a plus one and a person bringing some random guy she meets at the airport to the wedding. 

Yes, your relative is being rude, but try to be a little understanding. It sounds like she's going through a hard time.  Honestly, I'd just try to ignore her because you are so far out.  You don't need to finalize the guest list any time soon. 

banana468

Just detour the conversation.  "Oh auntie, it's too early to even talk about this right now and we haven't even worked out how limited our guest list is yet. Let's not even think about things until next year."


And then just don't entertain the conversation.