Parents Involvement

rel1988

I will start off my saying my parents and FI's parents are each contributing equal amounts to cover the cost of the wedding. FMIL additionally has offered to cover the entire cost of the rehearsal dinner and is helping my MOH sister throw my shower at her restaurant and is suppling all of the food and drinks which I am sooo thankful for. She is awesome

I have a very, very independent attitude. I hate asking for help in doing things and have never asked my parents for any money since I was in HS and began working. I paid for my own car, college, etc. This money they are contributing for the wedding is the first time they have every really given me financial support in years. That being said, of course I am very grateful! I have kept my parents in the loop on everything and talk to my mom at least every other day. She helped me find my dress, I showed them sample invites, discussed menu options, showed pictures of cake and flowers I am ordering, etc. My dad called the other night upset and angry at me because he said I am not "involving" them. I was blown away and honestly baffled because I am not sure what else to do?? I asked him to elaborate and he couldn't offer any suggestions on how else to involve them, just that they were frustrated with me. Am I being unreasonable with them?? I really don't want to seem ungrateful, but like I said I feel like I really am including them as much as possible. Is there anything else I can do??

radleyboo

Take your parents out for coffee.  Sit them down and tell them exactly what you wrote to us here, that you love them and are extremelly grateful for the financial support they've given you for the wedding.  Explain that you 'thought' you'd been including them in your planning efforts and in no way are trying to exclude them.  Ask them again what they would like you to do to ensure that they are in the loop.  Asking them face-to-face will give you a better read on their emotions and will clear the air.  It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive famiy who want the best for you and your big day.  Good luck! 

Sierra524

Rel,

I think you're doing all you can by keeping them informed of the decisions you are making. I suggest talking to them and asking them what else they would like to be involved with & let them know from here on out, you will involve them in those things. I agree with PP about telling them what you just told us...how much you appreciate their help & want them involved. Maybe you're dad is just having a bad day?

Knottie_22382049

I agree with the PP that you should take them out and talk to them and see where else they would like to be included. I also think if they know how much your FMIL is helping with things like the rehersal dinner and the showers that to them it may seem like you are relying on her instead of them for stuff. 

OwningAHome1981

Go shopping with your mom for bridesmaids gifts, that might be fun. Ask your dad for some song selections. Instead of selecting a song for your dance with him, ask him what song HE wants.

Like a PP mentioned, there's a difference between showing/telling them a decision that's already been made and making a decision together with them. Also, did you just show them the options or did you ask for their opinions. Instead of "hey mom here's the flowers we are picking", did you say "hey mom, these are the flowers, what do you think about them?"

Also, I think it would make your mom feel good to include her in the hair & make-up process if you haven't already. I am having my BM's go with me to get their hair done if they want. I also invited my mom but she said her friend is doing it instead.

bopple321

Maybe you could ask them if there's something specific they want to be involved in that you didn't consider (although it kinda seems like you've already done this and they didn't come up with any examples).  This is a tricky situation, but maybe they're just emotional about their daughter getting married and are trying to hang on to you for as long as possible?  I agree that you should just try to keep talking to them about this, they might come around, and you might end up with a better understanding of each other.

Peledreamsofrain

If I were to guess, I'd say that they are feeling left out of the decision making process.  Everything you posted about is "Look at what I've decided".  Yes that's keeping them informed, but that's not necessarily including them in the process.

In general, people don't like just being told 'this is how things are'.  They want a voice in things, and to collaborate into making things into how they are.

rel1988

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e10558a8-ceff-4332-80ff-afc3d187823dPost:bd834cd7-8347-4823-b842-ddca235c0f00">Re: Parents Involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]So just a quick question. Are you actually involving them in the decisions or after you do a bunch of legwork etc. just telling/showing them what you chose? For instance, did they visit venues with you? Do they get some say in what food is offered? Are they allowed to invite certain guests?
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]



I guess more so sharing decisions after the fact..am I kind of required to bring them to appointments? It just goes along with my independent attitude I suppose. For example, if I bring them to a catering appointment with FI I think I would feel like a kid. I'm an adult and I want FI to have thar final decision experience alone together. I hope that doesn't make me sound ungrateful, that's just the best way I can try and explain. I did ask for their opinion while looking over the catering suggestions before the meeting, asked my mom which invitation she like the best, and if she liked the flower pictures I found for example, not just "telling" them my decisions.. Also I don't live super close to them and sometimes I just want to get things done instead of waiting a couple weeks until I have time to drive down.

rel1988

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e10558a8-ceff-4332-80ff-afc3d187823dPost:82fb2794-69a2-4630-9b26-e7ab05e4ffbb">Re: Parents Involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]Go shopping with your mom for bridesmaids gifts, that might be fun. Ask your dad for some song selections. Instead of selecting a song for your dance with him, ask him what song HE wants. Like a PP mentioned, there's a difference between showing/telling them a decision that's already been made and making a decision together with them. Also, did you just show them the options or did you ask for their opinions. Instead of "hey mom here's the flowers we are picking", did you say "hey mom, these are the flowers, what do you think about them?" Also, I think it would make your mom feel good to include her in the hair & make-up process if you haven't already. I am having my BM's go with me to get their hair done if they want. I also invited my mom but she said her friend is doing it instead.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]



Yes I am planning on inviting my mom to the salon for hair and makeup too! She is planning on coming.

crunchymamaof2

This is exactly why FI and I want to pay for the majority of our wedding. When someone else pays, they get a say. So I get where your parents are coming from; though I think they could have discussed it with you a little better.

I completely understand with your thought process and why you're doing things the way you are; but if they're footing half the bill they'll most likely want to make some of the decisions. I would talk with them face to face, tell them exactly what you've said here, and from here on out find things that you don't have your heart set on and let them choose. The father daughter dance is a great one! Maybe take your mom out shopping for accessories. Ask them what kind of dessert they'd prefer; if they have preference over the seating arrangements. Stuff like that (though it seems like you already have most done and again, IMO, you've included them!).

In the end it is YOUR day. They just sound like they're sad that their baby is growing up and want to hang onto to you and be a part of things as much as they can. I'm sure everything will be just fine :-)