NWR: Friend's mother passed away

becky659

I need some advice here.

My friend's mother passed away from breast cancer last night.  I can't fathom what her and her brother & dad are feeling right now.  When she called me to tell me last night, it was heartbreaking.
My friend has been living at home for years now in order to help out with everything.  Her brother and dad have put a lot of household burdens on her in the past and I don't think the future will be an exception.
Me and some friends were talking about making them some foods that can be stored easily so our friend won't have to worry about cooking, but I wasn't sure if that was still an accepted response to all of this.
If it is, when is an appropriate time to bring the food over? The mother's service will probably be Monday if everything goes as planned.

Are there any other helpful things that we could do for her family without being intrusive?  I'm much closer to her than my other friends, but they all want to help if they can.
I've told her that if she'd like me to be there with her, she only needs to call me, but I know she needs time with her family.

Any advice or experiences would be really helpful, and if food is a good idea, any recipes that are proven to keep and reheat well would be great.

Thanks guys.

adamar15

I think food is always a good idea in situations like these.  Especially when it comes in disposable containers that they don't have to worry about washing and returning to you.  I have no clue on recipes.  I'd check pinterest.  I think I've seen a few pins on things to make for new parents. 

semay23

Lasagna is always a great option. Freezes very well, and all you have to do is pop it in the oven. You can get one of those disposable metal pans at Walmart. I'm sure she will appreciate not having to cook.

jessicabessica

Are you going to the service?  If you are able to, I would go to the service as long as they haven't specified that it's family only or something.  You don't need to hover over her, but it will show her that you care and it will be easy for her to reach out to you if she wants to, whereas I am not sure that I would wait for an invitation specifically--she may not want to impose or may be to upset to think about it.  

I have seen websites where you can coordinate who brings what meal to the family each day.  If there are a lot of less-close friends that want to contribute, maybe you can set that up and let them sign up?  You could also collect contributions for a donation in her mother's name, particularly if they've set up a fund or asked that donations go to a particular charity.  

Are they religious?  If you know, that might help people advise as to when would be appropriate to bring food. 

ETA: As for food suggestions, I think casserole-type dishes are good.  If they will have people at the house for a few days following the funeral, a tray of cold cuts or bagels and cream cheese with some cut up fruit would be nice, so they don't have to worry about putting anything out.  

becky659

Thank you!
They aren't religious, and I'm not sure that they have a huge family.  She requested that I come to the service, but she didn't really realize that there were so many people (other than me) from our friend group who were so concerned.  I told her that last night and she seemed surprised.  I wish I lived closer so it would be easy for me to pop in for a few minutes to give her and her family a hug.

So far I'm thinking that I'll take bagels and cream cheese (I know they like that), fruit, and some ham and chicken with rolls to make little sandwiches.  Maybe some soups? I don't know much about how these next few days are going to look for them. I think I'll call her this afternoon to get a better feel for the situation.
I can't imagine them sitting down to a big dinner, though.  I'm sure the house feels empty and sad.

HockeyFan4

H's dad passed away a few years ago.  The first few days were rough.  Even though his dad had preplanned everything there was still meetings with the funeral home and church.  If people hadn't brought meals over for us those few days, we probably wouldn't have eaten. 

After the funeral we had people back to the house and there was an abundance of food (which lasted a good week or two).

So as far as food, I would drop it off sooner, rather than later.  If they want to eat it now, they can, otherwise they can freeze it and have it for later.


To say H valued his friends appearance at the funeral and afterwards back at the house is an understatement.  But he did have a few close friends stop by before the funeral.  I think some one on one time is important.  Especially if you knew her mother.  It helps to hear some sweet/funny stories, and to talk about other random things to help get your mind off of it a little.  So my suggestion is for you to go over by yourself with food and stay and chat...and for the bigger group to go to the funeral and support/visit with her after that.

erbear84

When my best friend's dad died after we finished college, we took food over.  We waited until after the funeral though.  All easy-to-freeze meals, like lasagne.  We did send a big fruit basket, instead of flowers.  And in terms of being there for her, I made sure she knew she could come to me whenever she needed to.  I kept my distance and let her come to me when she was ready.  I was really wary of smothering her.

Cali1212

Another idea is to get them gift cards to some close by restaurants. Even something simple like Panera. When my dad passed away, a lot of people brought food, but the gift cards were also nice. It helped to get out of the house.

starnern

I lost my dad 3 years ago and to put it mildly my friends and FI support was a huge help in getting through it all.  I know a number of family friends brought over meals to both my house and my step-mom's. I agree that something easy to reheat or pop in the oven was huge, I probably wouldn't have eaten otherwise. 

As it is, you sound like a great friend and letting her know you are there is going to mean a lot. 

kmmssg

My dh and I joke about having a "funeral ham" in the freezer.  We are in our 50's so a lot of our friends are at an age where their parents are passing away.  My theory has always been don't ask "IF" there is anything I can do, it is figure out WHAT I can do and do it.  It always starts with the funeral ham.

I make a meal asap and get it over to the family - day of if possible.  Spiral sliced ham, hashbrown/cheese casserole called "wedding potatoes" in our family, tons of fresh veggies and dip, fresh fruit salad, some kind of dessert, and a veggie as a side dish.  Everything is delivered (and made) in the foil pans you can get at Gordon's.  Since none of my close friends are Jewish, vegetarian, or vegan this meal works well.  I also include tons of disposable plates, cups, flatware, etc.  

The last one I did was when my ex-h's FIL died unexpectedly.  That man treated my girls like they were truly his bio grandkids - he was wonderful to them.  Kinda wierd taking all of that to your ex-h's house, but it was the right thing to do.

Also, a couple of weeks from now, everyone else's life is back to normal and your friend's family is really starting to get into the grieving.  They could really use a meal or two then.

willywally5

When my mom died, we had tons of people at the house for several days before and after. (Large family, and we knew the end was near.) People brought us tons of food. Honestly, I didn't eat lasagna for like two years after because we got so dang much lasagna. But it does freeze nicely, etc. 

One friend brough a big box that had a can of coffee, toilet paper, paper napkins, and plastic plates/utensils. We thought that was genius and used every bit of it.

I usually wait a couple of weeks and send another card or note just to let them know someone is still thinking about them, too. That seemed to be when reality really hit for all of us. 

becky659

The paper/plastic utensils and plates are a great idea! Nobody wants to do dishes at a time like this.

So I'm thinking tomorrow I'll take round one (the light stuff- bagels, ect), then after the funeral I'll get the girls together and make heavier foods.

I need to figure out where to get disposable tin trays... I looked at walmart online but I didn't see them. They might just not have them online.

jessicabessica

My grocery store has tin trays.  Also, the website I mentioned in my PP is http://www.takethemameal.com/

becky659

Thank you!
I spoke to her this afternoon and she seems so much better. I think that they're all so relieved that she's passed on and isn't in pain.
We talked about a lot of different things- not all related to her family. I told her about how a baby had peed on me this morning and how I was worried that I'd get lost tomorrow while shopping in the city.  She seemed so happy to talk about something different.
Hopefully I'll get to see her tomorrow.  I'm really going into the city to see her, but I told her that I needed to go anyway, because I know she wouldn't let me drive to see her otherwise.
I offered my help for the meeting at their home after the service.  I don't want her to have to do that all by herself- it sounds they don't have a ton of family to help out.

kmmssg

You can get the pans at GFS if you have them, or Sam's Club sells them also.  Both places also have the lids that fit the pans well.  You are a good friend and I know your thoughtfulness will be very appreciated.