Father of the Groom - Estranged, recently re-united.. complicated!

Mirandaasch

My fiance's parents got divorced when he was really young. His dad left and didn't speak/write/anything for twenty years.

Hi mom remarried and his stepdad raised him.

Within the last few years, his dad got back in touch. After e-mailing and talking on the phone for about a year, we traveled overseas so that fiance could meet his dad.

As it stands right now they talk every couple of weeks, but there are still hard feelings between the mom/stepdad and bio dad.

The problem, of course, is how to handle this now that we're engaged.

I know that fiance wants his dad to be there, but more as a guest than as the "father of the groom."  I cringe when I think of things like wording the invitations, taking family photos, and seating.

We don't want to offend his dad by snubbing him and leaving him out of the family stuff, but neither of us feels like he should be a part of that, not to mention that fiance's parents would be insulted if he was!

Any suggestions?

Brie2010

Stick to generic wording on the invitation: "together with their parents/families."  That way he's neither specifically excluded nor included.

As far as family photos, I would take separate photos with him and not try to include him with the mom.

However, if they're just rebuilding the relationship, you should try your best to be gracious and include him.  Really, the FOG doesn't do much.  I wouldn't stress about it.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-groom-estranged-recently-re-united-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1d9ba5d-4133-44d5-8a32-cf80558a49dfPost:010f3614-2962-435f-9615-8434ea088d5c">Father of the Groom - Estranged, recently re-united.. complicated!</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's parents got divorced when he was really young. His dad left and didn't speak/write/anything for twenty years. Hi mom remarried and his stepdad raised him. Within the last few years, his dad got back in touch. After e-mailing and talking on the phone for about a year, we traveled overseas so that fiance could meet his dad. As it stands right now they talk every couple of weeks, but there are still hard feelings between the mom/stepdad and bio dad. The problem, of course, is how to handle this now that we're engaged. I know that fiance wants his dad to be there, but more as a guest than as the "father of the groom."  I cringe when I think of things like wording the invitations, taking family photos, and seating. We don't want to offend his dad by snubbing him and leaving him out of the family stuff, but neither of us feels like he should be a part of that, not to mention that fiance's parents would be insulted if he was! Any suggestions?
Posted by Mirandaasch[/QUOTE]
The most important thing to consider here is how your FI feels about including him. 

Personally, I would invite him simply as a guest.  If FI wants to honor him in any way, he could get him a boutionerre to wear.  As far as pictures, take some pictures with him and some without.  You can choose which ones to keep later. 

If FMIL and FFIL don't get along, they don't have to be seated at the same table.  FMIL can host a table with her family, and FFIL can sit at a table with his own family, or be placed as any other guest, depending on FI's relationship with that side of the family.

As far as invitations go, the easiest way to handle situations like this is to put "Together with their parents, Bride and Groom invite you..." on the invitation, instead of writing each indivdual name out.

tenofcups4me

We don't want to offend his dad by snubbing him and leaving him out of the family stuff, but neither of us feels like he should be a part of that, not to mention that fiance's parents would be insulted if he was!

I'm sorry, but that's the price you pay when you abandon your son and don't have contact for 20 years. It's great that he's back in his life and they're attempting to rebuild a relationship, but yes, it would be extraordinarily insulting to the people who did raise him to treat him as any kind of father figure. He's not.

I would invite him as a guest. Period. No name on invitation, no special seating, no honors in any way. But I would not penalize his real parents -- the people who raised him -- in any way.

Mirandaasch

Thanks for the responses! It definitely helps to have people confirm my own feelings.

My anxiety is probably turning this into a bigger issue than it really is, I just don't want anyone to feel slighted!

The awkward bit is that fiance's dad lives far away and doesn't know anyone here besides his ex who doesn't like him. Not to mention he's a bit of an odd guy anyways, lol, and I can't think of anyone I'd want to subject to sitting with him! Hopefully he brings a date to keep him company!

ohwhynot

I agree with tencups.  I also think that by usiing "together with their families" where you would have otherwise said something like "son of fmil & fsfil" is kind of a slap to the parents who actually raised your fi.  It protects biodad's feelings, sure, but does he deserve that, esp. if it may hurt mom and her husband, who raised your fi as his own? 

riverjib

I like the suggestion that you word it as "together with families..." and leave it at that. I think I'll use that myself. My father basically disappeared after the divorce, and paid no child support EVER. I'm back in touch with him, and our family is on good enough terms with him that my mom and aunt (who really hated him for treating her sister and us so badly) attended the party he threw for my 30th birthday. My sister didn't even consider inviting him to her wedding, but I'm inviting him to mine, since he's consistently back in touch now.

I'm treating him like a fairly distant guest. Anyone who hasn't been a presence in their own child's life should feel honored just to be invited. I know my dad is happy that I convinced everyone to talk to him at all, and he has no expectations from us.

Knittibell

If his step dad raised him, that is his DAD.

I'm adopted, and so I have a view that blood doesn't mean ANYTHING when it comes to parantage. Who read to him at night, bandaged scraped knees, grounded him when he deserved it? That's a parent.

I'd invite his bio dad to the wedding, but I think it's FINE to put Son of
Mom and Stepdad

It's great he's got a relationship with his bio-dad again, that he's getting to know his FATHER- but his DAD will always be the man who raised him, and I feel that should be the person listed as his dad for the wedding info.

If you asked him- Who is your dad? What would the immediate response be? There's your answer.

Mirandaasch

Knittibel, you might be right about the invitation thing. Wording it that way also leaves my parents names off the invite.

I guess the thing I'm left wondering now is that do we make it clear to him that he is just a guest? I just hate the thought of him traveling so far expecting to be more involved than he will be...

I guess it's just a good thing he is the FOG and not my dad, otherwise it would be much MORE awkward!

Knittibell

Well, really-the father of the Groom doesn't need to do anything much, so it's easier that way.

I'd maybe do, in the programs:

Parents of the Bride- Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

Parents of the Groom - Mr. and Mrs. Stepdad's name

Father of the Groom- Bio Dad

If you want him to be on the program, you could do it like this- no one would think it was too weird.

As for photos, as others said, if his Bio Dad shows up, then take a few photos with him, the way you might with a surviving grandparent or something- but leave him out of the family photos, and include him in any large group shots.

For the reception seating, invite him to bring a guest which could be a date or a friend, and seat them at different sides of the room from fi's parents.

For invitations, I'd either do the "Together With Their Families..." option- OR if your families want it to be more traditional, OR if your parents are paying, there's nothing wrong with doing

Mr. & Mrs. Your Parents
Request the pleasure...
Your name
to
Fiance's name
Son of Mr. and Mrs. Stepdad

I think that would be totally appropriate.

It's great he's back in his son's life, but that doesn't make him his Dad.