How much effort/ is okay to ask from family?

mandychamp

Having lived in another state for many years I really want my wedding to be as family centered as possible.  The problem is I can't possibly ask my father to play the guitar, my aunts to bring covered dishes (I really want our own quasi-fusion family cuisine), for my senior aunt and uncle for their property as the venue (they have those big, beautiful Spanish-moss covered trees and a collection of cars like a Model T).  I know the point of the gathering is to entertain and make sure everyone has a good time.  So, how do I sift through and reorganize, considering the family cooking is what I want most, and the least conventional to ask for?
Did I mention I wanted to ask my grandmother to help me grow the lilies and roses named Catherine in honor of a passed member?

[Deleted User]

I think that is a bit much to be expecting that much out of friends and family. Is there a reason for wanting all of the family to cater the wedding? I think you need to save money and hire vendors to do the food, music, etc. It is okay to have it at a family members house, but much more than that, I wouldn't feel comfortable with asking them for that much.

emilyinchile

I don't think it's appropriate to ask your family to cook food for your wedding, sorry. I know you say it's the most important, but I also think it's the biggest pain and least ok of your ideas.

We had our US reception at a family member's house, and she was happy to host (we also got her a nice thank you gift), and I feel like asking for that would be alright depending on your relationship with those relatives and whether they usually have big gatherings or whether it would be something new and stressful for them. I see no problem with asking your dad to play the guitar, and depending on what exactly you need from your grandmother, that could work. I mean, if you want her to tell you how to care for them because she has a green thumb, go for it - if you want her to give up her entire garden to grow just those flowers, that might be a bit much.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-effort-okay-ask-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1f77c3c-a240-4e3a-b256-caabc15dab62Post:4d718122-07f0-4ca5-bc0a-ac1b7a205bdf">How much effort/ is okay to ask from family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Having lived in another state for many years I really want my wedding to be as family centered as possible.  The problem is I can't possibly ask my father to play the guitar, my aunts to bring covered dishes (I really want our own quasi-fusion family cuisine), for my senior aunt and uncle for their property as the venue (they have those big, beautiful Spanish-moss covered trees and a collection of cars like a Model T).  I know the point of the gathering is to entertain and make sure everyone has a good time.  So, how do I sift through and reorganize, considering the family cooking is what I want most, and the least conventional to ask for? Did I mention I wanted to ask my grandmother to help me grow the lilies and roses named Catherine in honor of a passed member?
Posted by mandychamp[/QUOTE]
That's a lot to expect of your loved ones.  I recommend that you try to keep business and family/friends seperate, because if something goes wrong, you have no legal recourse to make things right, and you risk creating huge family drama if issues come up. 

To address your specific questions: 

Your dad can certainly play the guitar at the wedding if he wants to.  Obviously not for the entire thing, but a song or two prior to the ceremony or during the reception would be fine.

Many people use family houses/estates for weddings, however, you need to consider the logistics and costs of everything on your end before you decide to ask to use it.  Do you have a plan for incliment weather?  Is there adequate parking?  Will you need to rent bathrooms?  How will food be kept warm and served?  Once you have a plan in place, I see nothing wrong with asking if you could have the wedding there, and presenting the options. 

As far as growing the flowers - grow them yourself if they mean that much to you.  I wouldn't suggest, ask or pressure her into helping.  It's one thing if she says, "Hey, what can I do to help?" but it's something completely different to say, "Gma, you're great with flowers and I want you to grow 150 roses for me by the time the wedding gets here.  You should feel honored!"

Finally, no to the home-cooked food.  Aside from the fact that it's a HUGE burden to put on your family, it could also be a legal issue, especially if you have to hire a venue to have the wedding at.  You could try to get some of the family recipes and give them to your caterer to recreate, or have a recipe swap at your RD/shower. 

 

MyNameIsNot

That is quite a lot to ask.  If your grandmother is a gardener, helping you grow the flowers seems like a reasonable request.  

As for the food, asking a family member to cook isn't a good idea.  That is a lot of work, and poses some food safety/logistic concerns.  If it's truly a small event, you might be able to get away with it, but you're going to need to pay them for their efforts.  You'll also need to have a back up plan in case something goes wrong.  Cooking for 20 people at a dinner party is a much different thing than cooking for a 50-100 person wedding.  

Using someone's property can work, but you'll need to sign a contract just as you would with any other vendor.  You'll need to worry about insurance, and you'll need to have some money set aside for any damages.  You'll also need to rent everything, from tables and chairs to dishes and probably even some kind of portable bathroom trailer.  This is one of those things where you really have to tread lightly.  The last thing you need is to have lasting resentment from relatives because your wedding guests stained their carpet or trampled their grass.  Give some real thought to this before you even ask them.  It puts them in a really difficult position if they don't want to disappoint you, but also don't want to offer their property.

If you want to ask your father to play guitar, that would be lovely.  It would be a great addition to your ceremony.  Just don't expect him to be the entertainment for the reception.  He'll want to socialize and enjoy the party just like everyone else.  

sister2groom

I agree with Emily.

You're right, it would be very inappropriate ask for almost all of these things, so you probably won't have them the way you just described them unless they offer. But here are some alternatives.

Ask your dad IF he wants to play in the ceremony and he can tell you if/how much he is willing to play in the ceremony. He may be too emotional to play without screwing it upor he may just want to enjoy watching his daughter get married.

I really don't think you should have your family cater because the logistic of that would be nightmarish. But why not use their recipes so you can have the family-fusion cuisine you love?

If you want to ask to use someone's house and antique car, do it very carefully. Make sure they have an out if they would be too uncomfortable doing it. And if they do offer, I think you should hire professionals to make sure you return their home to them spotless.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-effort-okay-ask-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1f77c3c-a240-4e3a-b256-caabc15dab62Post:f2a9cfc0-eaa8-481c-b047-68de1d7c760c">Re: How much effort/ is okay to ask from family?</a>:
[QUOTE]That is quite a lot to ask.  If your grandmother is a gardener, helping you grow the flowers seems like a reasonable request.   As for the food, asking a family member to cook isn't a good idea.  That is a lot of work, and poses some food safety/logistic concerns.  If it's truly a small event, you might be able to get away with it, but you're going to need to pay them for their efforts.  You'll also need to have a back up plan in case something goes wrong.  Cooking for 20 people at a dinner party is a much different thing than cooking for a 50-100 person wedding.   Using someone's property can work, but you'll need to sign a contract just as you would with any other vendor.  You'll need to worry about insurance, and you'll need to have some money set aside for any damages.  You'll also need to rent everything, from tables and chairs to dishes and probably even some kind of portable bathroom trailer.  This is one of those things where you really have to tread lightly.  <strong>The last thing you need is to have lasting resentment from relatives because your wedding guests stained their carpet or trampled their grass.  Give some real thought to this before you even ask them.</strong>  It puts them in a really difficult position if they don't want to disappoint you, but also don't want to offer their property. If you want to ask your father to play guitar, that would be lovely.  It would be a great addition to your ceremony.  Just don't expect him to be the entertainment for the reception.  He'll want to socialize and enjoy the party just like everyone else.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Ditto, ditto, ditto.  H's cousin and his wife asked a family member if they could have their wedding at the fami;y member's home.  He agreed, but they never sat down and went over the logistics.  There wasn't nearly enough food and the majority of people started drinking before the wedding, so just about everyone was trashed.  At the end of the reception, people were doing cookies (donuts) in the grass and someone ran into an outbuilding with their car.  The damage to the property was somewhere around $10k.  The bride and groom did not take out extra insurance and had no way to pay for it, and the groom's parents (also relatives of the home ownder) didn't agree that it was in anyway their responsibility.  It's been 7 years and the B/G and G's parents no longer speak with the family member - the groom's uncle, his father's brother.

The food - find a caterer who will use your family recipes.  Ours agreed to, so we had one dish we asked them to make.  She made it once and had me taste to make sure it was ok, and then they made it for our reception.  It was great!

mandychamp

Thank you so much for the suggestion to everyone how much their fees would be.  It is only 20 people...I had attended a family member's wedding where the future mother-in-law hosted and cooked...but I like the idea of asking my aunts they would be willing to give their recipes to a caterer.

Jennifer&Nate

Can you find a caterer that would be willing to prepare your family recipes? I think that would be the best of both worlds!

SD3194

My uncle has a mansion here in Asheville, NC. It's been featured on HGTV and some other local shows, really a beautiful place-has it's own waterfall too. But I'm not about to ask him if I could use it for my wedding. We don't keep in contact and I think it would be rude to call out of the blue for a favor like that. So if you're pretty close with these people it might be okay to ask them for help but if they are extended family you don't talk to much, I would advise against it.

Sometimes people will agree to help you out with things but deep down they don't really want to. I'm a chef and my friends are constantly asking me to cater weddings and things like that for them. It's annoying and I hate being asked. Just because you're my friend and I cook professionally doesn't mean I want to spend my Saturday cooking your food for free.

mandysmear

I don't know how I feel about another mandy around here....

(jk)

mandychamp

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-effort-okay-ask-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1f77c3c-a240-4e3a-b256-caabc15dab62Post:4ee0fe22-9761-483e-a71c-15825b1ffe0b">Re: How much effort/ is okay to ask from family?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know how I feel about another mandy around here.... (jk)
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]ha!

mandychamp

Thank you so much Stage.  So cool to know someone else wanted the same thing.  I kept seeing these wedding scenes in vintage photographs, and in the movie Frida, with the happy couple in front of a nice spread at the family's dinner table.  It just seems so sweet and intimate.  I think your suggestion will work out great too...My aunts will feel nice if I ask them to show me how to cook.

bigelow08

Do what you want! If they care about you they will be thrilled to help!

I believe you said it would be a small wedding...? If so your whole plan works wonderfully.

My sister was married in my grandparents back yard and people brought covered dishes (and their own beer). The whole event cost about $1500, so this the real way to save money. There were maybe 50 people in attendance.