Opinions Please: Inviting only select children

LilyWater09

Opinions please.  Would it be fair to only invite select children to the wedding i.e. my immediate family and the best man's kids b/c one of his kids is the flower girl?  My sis & bro have 6 kids between them; 4 of the kids (one quals as an adult at 16) are in my wedding.  The bestman has three kids.  
 
I do not want to anger anyone by not allowing their kids to come and they feel slighted when they see some kids there.  How would you feel?  I know this is "our wedding" and we get to make the decisions.  But "we" also want to continue to have friendships these people too. 

I do not know if anyone else has ran into this issue but all insight is greatly appreciated!

lyndausvi

That is what we did, so yes I think it's fine.

cengle

Yeah, I think as long as the cut-off is clear, as PP said, you're fine. You just can't hand-pick some kids from one group and leave out others in the same group, KWIM?
Like, inviting one cousin's kid but not another cousin's kid would be a bad idea. But only family kids and WP kids? Totally fine.

LDYGTR13

I'm of the opinion that if you're not inviting kids that any kids (outside of the WP) should not be invited. Zero. I'd be annoyed if I was told I couldn't bring my kid, but other people could. The WP is a different story,FG, RB are okay and wouldn't bother me. But that's me.

Other people have other ideas. That's just my opinion and I'm not speaking for anyone but me

LilyWater09

lyndausvi  - Did your wedding invitation state it was an adults only reception?  How did you handle this with your invites?  TY in advance

blush64

I am inviting only select children. I think as long as there is a logical and clear cut off it's ok. As PP have said.

I will have my own and those of my sisters attend the ceremony and reception. There will be 9 altogether and I have put them all in the WP.

I am allowing anyone with an infant (under 2) to choose whether or not to bring the baby. (there are two)

The only children not invited are the children of cousins who are under 18 years old.

EDITED

DNAtime

I agree I think as long as there is a clear line you will be okay.

We are only invited children that are family. i.e. nephews and my cousin's kids. Childern who are not related to us are not invited. 

You get into trouble when you make case by case exceptions.

chrissyinatl

I am doing this, and made it pretty clear.  No one really seems offended, most people don't WANT their kids to go to the wedding.

I'm inviting only the children of our siblings (aka our nieces and nephews).  And ONE friend's child, who is actually 16. 

lyndausvi

It's pretty standard in my family that only kids, nieces/nephews, first cousin and siblings  of the couple are invited to the wedding.  So there was no need to put anything on the invite as our guests know the names on the envelope are then only ones invited.

MRSBJS

Maybe if you limited it to immediate family members' children only?  So that covers your siblings' children.

As for your BM, is he a family member? Are any of his kids in the wedding party?

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:5ba7fc63-4d4a-41ee-92a4-0e151594ed04">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm of the opinion that if you're not inviting kids that any kids (outside of the WP) should not be invited. Zero. I'd be annoyed if I was told I couldn't bring my kid, but other people could. The WP is a different story,FG, RB are okay and wouldn't bother me. But that's me. Other people have other ideas. That's just my opinion and I'm not speaking for anyone but me :)
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

<div>Really?  I mean I get if you are a friend and your kid was not invited but another friends was being slighted. </div><div>
</div><div> But you really do not see the difference in say a co-workers kid and a niece/nephew of the bride?</div>

LDYGTR13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:7246485f-137a-4590-93bb-5f514f52459b">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : Really?  I mean I get if you are a friend and your kid was not invited but another friends was being slighted.   But you really do not see the difference in say a co-workers kid and a niece/nephew of the bride?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I see a difference, I'm just trying to look at it from a parent's prospective (and I'm so not a parent), I think if I was a friend of the Bride or something and my kid wasn't invited, but there were other kids I'd be kind of annoyed if I wasn't given the option.

I guess I'm looking at it as in why wouldn't my kid be good enough to come if it's not a truly adults only reception.

Again, not a parent and I'm a serious kid lover so I never even thought of not having kids and a lot of them so this isn't really my thing. I just don't see much of a difference in having just close kids and having close kids plus a few more. If there are kids there, there are kids there, KWIM?

I'm terrible at arguing points. lol

pantherRN

To me, as long as the cut off is clear and maintained, I think it is OK.

You shouldn't put anything on the invite itself, because it's not polite to point out who is not invited. If you are using inner envelopes, you can list the names there of who is invitied. If it is only a husband and wife, list just the husband and wife.

tenofcups4me

We invited nieces and nephews and no other kids. Most weddings I attend have no kids or just the children of immediate family. If a more distant friend or relative can't see the difference in the relationships, that's their issue.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:e27fb94b-8c30-464d-99f3-90fd2d78a395">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : I see a difference, I'm just trying to look at it from a parent's prospective (and I'm so not a parent), I think if I was a friend of the Bride or something and my kid wasn't invited, but there were other kids I'd be kind of annoyed if I wasn't given the option. I guess I'm looking at it as in why wouldn't my kid be good enough to come if it's not a truly adults only reception. Again, not a parent and I'm a serious kid lover so I never even thought of not having kids and a lot of them so this isn't really my thing. I just don't see much of a difference in having just close kids and having close kids plus a few more. If there are kids there, there are kids there, KWIM? I'm terrible at arguing points. lol
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><div>
</div><div>Well in families like mine adding kids other than my nieces/nephews increases the count by over 50.. Yep, 50.  I have some very fertile family and friends.   It's not as simple for a lot of us to 'just add a few more' KWIM?  </div><div>
</div><div>
</div></div>

hlq2011

We stopped our guest list at first cousins, so we have a couple of kids there, one age seven and two age eleven.  There were two first cousins under the age of three we didn't invite, but their parents only got a courtesy invitation anyway, because they already told us they were not coming.

I think it's totally okay to invite a specific group of people.  But if you start picking and choosing, say, your best friend's kid and not your coworker's kid, then you're asking for trouble.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:e27fb94b-8c30-464d-99f3-90fd2d78a395">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : I see a difference, I'm just trying to look at it from a parent's prospective (and I'm so not a parent), I think if I was a friend of the Bride or something and my kid wasn't invited, but there were other kids I'd be kind of annoyed if I wasn't given the option. I guess I'm looking at it as in why wouldn't my kid be good enough to come if it's not a truly adults only reception. Again, not a parent and I'm a serious kid lover so I never even thought of not having kids and a lot of them so this isn't really my thing. I just don't see much of a difference in having just close kids and having close kids plus a few more. If there are kids there, there are kids there, KWIM? I'm terrible at arguing points. lol
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

Meh, I *am* a parent and I know that there's a huge difference between my daughter at my coworker's wedding and my daughter at my brother's wedding. 

We invited the children of our cousins but unless the child was nursing, we didn't invite the children of our friends.  We have a relationship with our friends and not their kids.  However we do have a relationship with our family members of all generations.

LDYGTR13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:d676e72e-0c6a-4d6d-b595-7e15a27f08fa">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : Well in families like mine adding kids other than my nieces/nephews increases the count by over 50.. Yep, 50.  I have some very fertile family and friends.   It's not as simple for a lot of us to 'just add a few more' KWIM?  
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I gotcha =) I wasn't trying to be biitchy or anything! Promise!

I can understand there needing to be a cut off and if it's clear it probably wouldn't be an issue. I was just putting my instant reaction out there.

lyndausvi

For the record we NEVER  advertised we were having  an adult-only reception.   

Because we werent'

 The envelopes reflected those we were inviting and only 7 of those invitations happen to be children (we sent the kids their on invitations).

DeadUtopia

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:7246485f-137a-4590-93bb-5f514f52459b">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : Really?  I mean I get if you are a friend and your kid was not invited but another friends was being slighted.   But you really do not see the difference in say a co-workers kid and a niece/nephew of the bride?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]


Where this might potentially get offensive is if the person who's children weren't invited wasn't aware that the other children who are attending are relatives of either the bride or groom.

But as PP's have said, making sure that there is a clear cut line is essential. Only immediate family and wedding  party, but you can't make an exception for friend A and not friend B.

LDYGTR13

Well shiz, I wasn't trying to start dramaz y'all! She wanted opinions, I gave mine - clearly stated that it was just MY opinion too! And obviously I'm the only one who felt that way. It happens.

I dont have a ton of friends with kids or family members with kids in general, but the ones that DO have kids, I'm close with them b/c I'm such a kid person. I end up babysitting for most of my friends on a pretty regular basis. I understand that this isn't the same for everyone. For my wedding, if I had only invited immediate family with kids then there'd only be 2 there plus my FGs and the FGs brother. By adding everyone's kids (and then some didn't even come) it was maybe only about 15-20 more.

I promise I wasn't trying to be stinky. =(

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Yes, I think you can picks and choose children like you can pick and choose anyone else.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:69145f34-8474-4c0a-8d3b-887e2311dd4b">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : <strong>Where this might potentially get offensive is if the person who's children weren't invited wasn't aware that the other children who are attending are relatives of either the bride or groom.</strong> But as PP's have said, making sure that there is a clear cut line is essential. Only immediate family and wedding  party, but you can't make an exception for friend A and not friend B.
Posted by DeadUtopia[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Sorry, but that is the guests problem.  It's not up to them to question the presences of other guests at any event they are invited to (regardless of the age).</div><div>
</div><div>The couple is also under no obligation to explain who their guests are to other guests.  </div><div>
<div>
</div></div>

DeadUtopia

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:a334b74c-d67e-4ede-b9d1-85a7b9cde221">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : Sorry, but that is the guests problem.  It's not up to them to question the presences of other guests at any event they are invited to (regardless of the age). The couple is also under no obligation to explain who their guests are to other guests.  
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]


I get that, I was just pointing out where it might get offensive to someone. If I were a guest at a friends wedding and saw other children there while mine were not invited, I would naturally assume that they are family, but I can't speak for another guest who might just automatically be offended that their children weren't included for whatever reason.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:6f7ab61c-716b-4f75-9eb9-64b58d843397">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]Well shiz, I wasn't trying to start dramaz y'all! She wanted opinions, I gave mine - clearly stated that it was just MY opinion too! And obviously I'm the only one who felt that way. It happens. I dont have a ton of friends with kids or family members with kids in general, but the ones that DO have kids, I'm close with them b/c I'm such a kid person. I end up babysitting for most of my friends on a pretty regular basis. I understand that this isn't the same for everyone. For my wedding, if I had only invited immediate family with kids then there'd only be 2 there plus my FGs and the FGs brother. By adding everyone's kids (and then some didn't even come) it was maybe only about 15-20 more. I promise I wasn't trying to be stinky. =(
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I just feel strongly about this.  Too many parents get their panties up in a wad over this subject and it annoys me.   They always want to take the "they don't like MY kid" stance instead of thinking there could be 100 other reasons their kids are not invited.  </div><div>
</div><div>More often than not it's space and budget that makes couple make the  choice and not based on your  little Tommy.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

LDYGTR13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:8f96e0f9-1084-4012-9bc4-58a6d2be8468">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : I just feel strongly about this.  Too many parents get their panties up in a wad over this subject and it annoys me.   They always want to take the "they don't like MY kid" stance instead of thinking there could be 100 other reasons their kids are not invited.   More often than not it's space and budget that makes couple make the  choice and not based on your  little Tommy.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I get what you're saying and it's totally logical! Did you have issues with it at your wedding? Is that wh you feel so strongly? was someone upset Little Tommy wasn't invited?

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:3b21457b-f72e-4cdb-b768-c18c06442a44">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children : I get what you're saying and it's totally logical! Did you have issues with it at your wedding? Is that wh you feel so strongly? was someone upset Little Tommy wasn't invited?
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope.  It's not an issue in either one of our families.  </div><div>
</div><div> I have a huge family and everyone knows it's not possible to invite everyone you want. </div>

LDYGTR13

That's awesome! I don't have a huge family and neither does H. We also had plenty of room.

That's good that everyone understood! Maybe I'm not giving adults the credit they deserve. I hope I didn't make you mad, promise it wasn't my intention!

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:b92df130-65e4-4d5d-83a9-6e27aa65c584">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]That's awesome! I don't have a huge family and neither does H. We also had plenty of room. That's good that everyone understood! Maybe I'm not giving adults the credit they deserve. I hope I didn't make you mad, promise it wasn't my intention!
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

<div>oh no.  I like a little debate. </div><div>
</div><div>Just giving people a different perspective.   </div><div>
</div><div>And it's not that people 'understood'.... It's the norm for us.  The assumption is kids are NOT invited to a wedding unless otherwise told (names on the invitation).  On here it seems people assume wedding = inviting everyone in the household and then they get all upset when little Tommy is not included.   </div><div>
</div><div>I do not care if you are an adult or a kid, assuming an invite is rude.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

LDYGTR13

See, with us, the assumption would be that they ARE invited. I've never been to an adults only or even select kids invited wedding. But I would hope that if the invites were just addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. So and So" then they'd know the kids aren't invited.

But I live in MS and people are idiots around here many times lol.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_opinions-please-inviting-only-select-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e234f7a7-1754-4a23-a4bb-9e74f5c6c883Post:6f7ab61c-716b-4f75-9eb9-64b58d843397">Re: Opinions Please: Inviting only select children</a>:
[QUOTE]W<strong>ell shiz, I wasn't trying to start dramaz y'all! She wanted opinions, I gave mine - clearly stated that it was just MY opinion too! </strong>And obviously I'm the only one who felt that way. It happens. I dont have a ton of friends with kids or family members with kids in general, but the ones that DO have kids, I'm close with them b/c I'm such a kid person. I end up babysitting for most of my friends on a pretty regular basis. I understand that this isn't the same for everyone. For my wedding, if I had only invited immediate family with kids then there'd only be 2 there plus my FGs and the FGs brother. By adding everyone's kids (and then some didn't even come) it was maybe only about 15-20 more. I promise I wasn't trying to be stinky. =(
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

I don't think there's anything wrong with having that opinion, but I do think that expressing it to the hosts (or asking any kid who you see at the reception for their credentials) isn't ok.  I don't have kids yet, but given how I feel about places that don't welcome my dog, I suspect I'll have a little bit of those feelings on the inside when the time comes.