How to handle self invited relative

dupiemom

I'm the MOB and have a cousin who has been telling family that she's going to invite herself to my DD's wedding.  This relative lives across country so would be in town for a few days. She's a difficult and judgemental person who has a past history of sitting at family events (like weddings) and shredding everything from food to venue. Where we're all a pretty easy going family (including the groom's family), she's a snob and puts everyone ill at ease in her presence.  We were closer when our kids were little, but I find her attitude and demeanor difficult so have limited contact.  I haven't discussed the wedding at all with her and family members have told her the guest list is limited.  Additionally her presence will inflame a situation with my mom.  DD would prefer that this lady not be invited as she knows her personality.  

Any thoughts on how to handle this should she contact me?  Or just accept that no matter what I say, the lack of invite will create hurt.  I really don't want to hurt her but I know that if she comes into town, there will be drama.

daubachsgirl23

Don't send her an invitation.  If she asks about it, say "I'm very sorry, Cousin, but unfortunately we can't accomodate everyone we would have liked.  Have you been following Local Sports Team at all?"  Be quick, to the point, and change the subject.  However, don't be surprised if she is upset.

If not inviting her will cause more drama than inviting her, you may be better off smiling and inviting her.  I am sure you won't even notice her snark during the wedding.

AdeleDazeem

Are other cousins of yours being invited? If not, then you merely say "I wish we could invite everyone but we had to draw a line.". Then if she asks around, she'll see it was a fair line. If that's not the case then you'll just have to make peace with the snub or invite her.

itzMS

Your instincts are pretty much correct. You certainly are of no obligation to invite a "bad egg". However, it is pretty likely that feelings will be hurt.

If she's bold enough to actually fly across the country to crash the wedding, well, cross that bridge when it comes.

QueerFemme

There isn't much you can do if she crashes the wedding, short of having security removing her from the venue.

Just don't invite her, but know that if you invited everyone else, she is going to have hurt feelers and probably talk even more.

violet355

don't invite her...it's your daughter getting married, so it's not like she needs to invite all of her 2nd cousins and everything.

if she asks, just say "sorry we couldn't invite you, but we couldn't invite everyone we wanted to...can't wait to see you the next time you're in town though!"  fin.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-self-invited-relative?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e23e0385-755e-4e98-8da7-d33e8aa22a71Post:53e8fc55-5f28-4a15-a218-7e2a3beae9f3">Re: How to handle self invited relative</a>:
[QUOTE]I would take the bull by the horn and call her.   Say that she may have heard your DD is getting married, but you are very sorry, she is not invited.  I would go on to say, I just wanted to let you know, so you do not book a flight, but lets get togethor after the wedding. Normally I wouldnt dream of doing this, but given you have heard of the "self-invite" rumors, I think you would be justified.  Just first double back with whomever you heard the rumors from, and make certain you are getting this right. If this person is judgemental, that to me seems inconsistent with crashing a weddding.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

OP, if you want to curtail the drama, IGNORE NYU's advice. It is beyond unbelievably rude to call someone up for the sole purpose of telling them you WON'T be inviting them to an event. If this woman invites herself and books a flight, that's on her. If she brings it up to you, PPs are correct in that you just let her know that it's an intimate wedding/smaller guest list and you couldn't invite everyone you would have liked.Then change the subject.

Don't give her details about ceremony time/location, and if you are truly worried about her showing up unannounced, hire security or ask someone at your venue to escort her off the premises.

dupiemom

I've decided that it will be better to not invite this relative than to have the drama that will occur. If I don't invite her, she will become estranged from me but I will be the only one involved.  If she's here, many other family members will be affected by the drama (which has to do with family issues unrelated to the wedding).  On a much happier note, this is the only angst any of us have had with the planning - the women in both families are having a great time with the planning including the bride.  It's truly what we hoped for - a joyful merging of the families.

Thanks all for taking the time to help me!