Inviting Out-of-State People to a Shower?

divinemsbee

So, my mom (who lives in UT now) always is getting invitations to people's wedding and baby showers in MS (where we are from, and where her whole family lives, she moved for a job about 5 years ago). Mostly these are for family things, but some friends as well. She likes to be included in the event through the invitations, even if she can't always make it (she goes back to MS about 4 times a year, so if an event date doesn't fall within those, or she hasn't planned to be there for the event in advance, she can't go.)

That's kind of backstory to why I'm asking this question. Would you be insulted to receive a shower invitation to an out of state shower you could not attend? 

Because of Reasons (I live in TX, getting married in MS, my mom is in UT and will be coming in town about a week before the wedding) my MOH and I talked and decided that the best time for my shower would be the weekend before the wedding. Since that's about 5 weeks away now, she just sent me an e-mail asking for an invite list. Most of my mom's family lives about an hour and a half away from where the shower and wedding will be, so that's not too big a deal. MY FMIL lives about the same distance away as well. But, most of the women in my FI's family live much further away (mostly in ID), so I'm wondering if an invitation to them would look like a gift grab. Same for my friends who I know couldn't take a whole week off work to attend both events because they all across the country. 

Examples: Both of his grandmothers have already told  either him or me that they won't be making it to the wedding. They are not in great health and traveling is hard for them. I would like to put them on the invitation list for the shower, because it seems like a way of including them in all this wedding stuff, but I don't want to seem gift-grabby or greedy. His aunts and cousins fall more into the can't take all that time off work to come (totally understandable) category, but I don't want them to think that I'm not thinking of them. 

I have a friend who I've known forever, and we happen to live near each other in TX. I helped her with a lot of stuff for her wedding here and she's helped me with parts of mine. She's also from MS and will be staying with family there for the wedding, but I don't know that she'd be able to take the time off work to attend the shower as well. Would you be offended or think I was gift-grabbing if you got that invitation?

I realize that an invitation is not a summons and even if I invite people they're not obligated to come or bring/send a gift, but I don't want to come off as trying to play people when I really just want them included. 

achiduck

No, I would not be insulted. A lot of people (especially the older generation) like to keep invitations and other wedding related tidbits as mementos.

strlzfan11

When I lived out of state I appreciated being invited to the family showers, but every family has different dynamics.  I'd ask your FMIL what her thoughts are and follow her lead.

zizibet

It depends on how close FI or I am to the couple. So I had no problem with being invited to a couple of FI's nieces' showers. A sorority sister's that I haven't talked to in 10 years-I thought that was gift grabby. If you want them there,I invite them. I don't think it comes off as gift grabby.

MoxieMickie

Is it an option to email the people and let them know they are welcome to attend but you didn't want to look like you were sending a "well, you can still ship a gift"-type invitation? Is there at least a third party you could ask (e.g., so when they have their weekly chat with Great Aunt Bertha, Bertha pipes up that she told you to send the invitation.)

I deal with this a lot from as an OOT invitee. While I appreciate being thought of, by the fifth time it became annoying to be expected to ship a gift to a woman I've never met (my contact is the groom) to be opened at a shower they know I won't attend, even though I recognize a gift is not legally required.

LetsHikeToday

I think you're reading way too much into this. If you are close to them and you'd like them to come to your shower, send them an invitation! 

smileye90

I love getting invitations, even if it's unrealistic to attend.  The only time I got irked and saw it as a gift grab was when I was invited to an out of state shower, RSVPed no, and then got a super guilt-trippy e-mail about it with her telling me how hurt she was that I couldn't make it when I seem to have the time/money to go on so many other vacations.  

Jen4948

I got invited to showers and parties by relatives after I moved out of the area.  I personally don't see it as anything more than them trying to make me feel included at least in spirit.

That said, I can understand where you are coming from.  Would it make sense to ask the people in question how they would feel about receiving the invitations and then, based on their responses, send or not send them invitations?

TaraKeeley

I'm living overseas for two years, but in that time I've been invited to a bridal shower, a bachelorette, two weddings, and countless birthday/other parties (though b-day parties are usually via facebook or evite). I can't receive mail here, so the invites go to my mom's address and she opens them for me via Skype. I'm generally really happy to be included/thought of, even though they know chances are slim to none that I'll be able to attend. I only suspected gift-grabbiness once, when it was a girl I really wasn't friends with anymore except for the VERY occassional facebook contact.

I'm getting married overseas where we currently live, and I told my best friends that they're 100% welcome and I'd LOVE them to come, but that I want them to feel NO pressure to take time off from work and spend lots of money of flights and accomodations to be here, especially when I won't be able to spend much time with them beforehand, and NO time after. I told them to tell me if they were considering coming, and that I'd send an invite if they were. Out of 8 people, 5 said they'd like invites because they wanted to try to come. It looks like they won't, which is fine, but I felt it was important to include them.

If you're close to these people, send invites, or at least ask if they'd like to be invited- that you'd love them to come but you certainly understand that it might not be possible or practical.