I wasn't going to post this but I need to vent/write it somewhere so I don't loose it at work

Themis278

Fair warning this is long and a vent


When FI and I got engaged 17 months ago we said we couldn't afford much and were fine with that. We had ideas but niether set of parents were happy because either our siblings would be left out or grandparent or something. Before we even really discussed it with my dad he offered a large amount of money (at least its large to us) to us to pay for wedding or downpayment on a house. We took part for the house and picked a date 18months out so that we could save up some more to help out with wedding costs. We decided that we didn't want to go into debit over the wedding (and its not even an option really we don't have credit cards).  We have a very very large family and when my mom and dad started adding guests to the list I brought up the budget to which my dad agreed if we were going over budget due to those extra 10 people he'd cover the extra costs.

Well last night I talked to him about running $500 over budget - not that much but I'm trying to be very honest and not sneak up things on him. Well his voice was really strained, stressed, and tense. I have been supporting my older sister (30yrs old) for the past year while she tries to get on her feet at my dad's wishes - once again he offered to help out with the wedding costs even more so as my sister kept getting denied letters to her job applications. now we are about to send out the invites and the 3 month payments and i'm getting worried that he won't be able to afford the final payments. This has been so worried that all day I feel like I'm going to throw up. 

I want to call him and just say "look dad I get it, times are tight and we have had a lot of bad stuff happen with the family over the past year (thats a whole other story) which makes you want to celebrate and have fun even more, but if you can't afford this that is fine but we need to know now. We need to forget our deposits and cancel, and FI and I will just get married on our honeymoon cruise and when we get back we'll all have dinner over the holiday or something" But I know that saying this will just break his heart. Just typing this is making me cry because the father daughter dance is one of the biggest things to him. Its not walking me down the aisle, or dinner, he wants to have his dance with his daugher, his baby. We alllllllways dance together. I just can't afford the wedding we planned without his help, and I want to give him that dance ...

uuuugggghhhh this is making me sick to my stomach

Themis278

FI wants to keep planning until we hear back from my dad hense the questions on invite wording because we still have timelines that we need to follow if this isn't a big deal and I just caught him on a bad day.

MissLeahM

Is there anything you can cut out? No transportation, finding a cheaper dress, different photog, even just speaking to your vendors, they would be more willing to offer you a cheaper rate rather than lose a contract altogether.

Belle2Be

Hun it can't be that hard to cut out $500 somewhere. Shorten the reception even, get rid of chair covers or favors, ditch the DJ and use a friend and an iPod, change the reception to brunch or lunch, only have an open bar for the coctail hour, DIY as much as you can, there are tons of ways to cut back and avoid this stress!

TheCranberry

Yes, try to cut out any unnecessary expenses.  The people on the Budget board often have good ideas.

You can just have your BM's wear a corsage instead of a bouquet.  Candle centerpieces instead of fresh flowers.  A basic buffet instead of sit down.  Wine and beer instead of full bar.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

kikibaby

I know it's not going to be what you want to hear, but... cancel everything while you still can, before you give places money.  You can't count on money until it's in your hands.  Do what YOU can afford, because it sounds like your Dad had good intentions, but may not be able to follow through.

Celles

Can you scale back to save the $500 you're over-budget?  I don't know what your total budget is, but I'd be surprised if you couldn't find some way to cut corners to bring the budget back in line to the agreed upon amount. 

Themis278

Clairifcation the $500 i guess was the straw breaking the camel he mentioned he doesn't know how he was going to afford the whole things ... ummm whoa left field!!!! I didn't expect that ... if it was just the $500 I'd find a way ...

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wasnt-going-post-this-but-need-ventwrite-somewhere-dont-loose-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e41b4fb6-91df-4b42-a9bd-2734f809e28ePost:1c4568e1-aa12-4014-9cda-a90cbc772f52">Re: I wasn't going to post this but I need to vent/write it somewhere so I don't loose it at work</a>:
[QUOTE]Clairifcation the $500 i guess was the straw breaking the camel he mentioned he doesn't know how he was going to afford the whole things ... ummm whoa left field!!!! I didn't expect that ... if it was just the $500 I'd find a way ...
Posted by Themis278[/QUOTE]
Talk to him and get actual numbers. You said you guys were going to pay for it, so what is your budget? Find out exact #'s he can still donate, and work from that.

squirrly

What about a really small wedding?  Cut back on the extended family and friends, and just have a simple ceremony and go to dinner with your family that attends.  Pick a restaurant that has a private room, and see if they'll pipe in a song for a father/daughter dance and your first dance and all.  You can have a cake and everything. 

If you cut the wedding down to 20 guests or so, it should get much less expensive.  Then, you can have a bbq next year and invite everybody else.  Just don't call it a do-over or anything of the sort. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

What if you get married on the cruise and invite your parents (and his) along so you can all be there together? Then your dad can have his dance with you and witness the ceremony.

Beachy730

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It is very hard.  Sit down and have a talk with your dad and see what the actual amount he can afford to pitch in is and what you and your FI can afford and go from there. 

I know from a previous post your wedding is in Buffalo.  Mine was in the Falls, and we had a lot of vendors that we were able to save money on.  If you want you can send me a PM with your vendors or pricing or something and I can help you compare.  I know that our DJ was $250 less than some of the others we looked at, so that right there is half the money you're over. 

Beachy730

I know this also won't be what you want to hear, but what about cancelling your honeymoon for now?  That's money right there that can be put into the wedding, and then go on the honeymoon later on when you have more money at your disposal. 

Themis278

Its possible as far as the cruise go but then my FI's family most certainly can't afford to attend, let alone his 3 sisters that I'm very close to. The difference between FI and I is that if we were to do this small thing I'd rather it be just the two of us on a beach on the cruise then include my family but not my friends.

The past year has been really tough on me, my dad, and my sister and it has been my friends and FMIL that have been supporting me and its really important to me that if this isn't just the 2 of us that they are their with me.  Long story short my mom we found out has some serious phsycoloigcal issues that all came to head when she attempted suicide, 2 weeks before that all happened my best friends father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and he just passed in january, my sister has been unable to find a job and has been living with FI and I which has put us in this odd role of parenting her. During all my mom counciling down right mean things have come out and she is on so many mood stablizers that she just isn't the same person that I grew up with. Oh and my dad has stood by her side in ALL of this and fought to get her help when the docotor first suggested just putting her in a hospital for awhile. And she blames him and me for everything wrong in her life.

Hence wanting/needing the dream wedding that BOTH me and my dad wanted.

I just don't know how after all that I'm going to bring it up to him that we might have to change plans

Goldlie11

Here are some questions that are important before I can really offer advice:

Have you paid any non-refundable deposits?
How much money were you expecting your father to pay?  Is there any way you and your FI can come up with that? 
Since you haven't sent out invites, can you trim the guest list to immediate family?
Can you postpone the wedding?

GJones27

Could you do some odd end jobs on the weekend to make a few extra bucks to close the budget gap?  I know it's hard to find jobs these days, but maybe a temp job will make up for it?

Beachy730

Themis- I PM"d you back

Theresa626

YOu really need to cut the guest list down if you've cut down in other places which it looks like you have.  Just tell your dad straight up that you don't want him to be financially strained and make suggestions for who to cut out.  Maybe only people you see several times a year for example.  No guests that you don't know.

Themis278

Thank you ladies for the help!!!!!

After talking with dad his voice was stressed for two reasons

1) he was really worried to hear that my sister was causing me stress and that we are having issues getting along lately

2) and this one make it a little more sense. He was worried that this was going the first of my "last minute requests" We had a friend that had an extra $5,000 in extra costs in the last week alone! When I explained that thiers a spreadsheet with costs all the way down to hotel rooms, lunch the day of, and hair dos. After that he was feeling much better and it was mostly that he just wants this not to spin out of control ... Plus the fmaily stress

I'm going to take some of the advise tho just to help trim the budget some more.

Meaghann17

I am glad to hear things have worked out for the better!  Good idea to see where you can still cut things.