What is within my "right" to say?

cpblanco

Hey ladies!

So I have a question related indirectly to the wedding, about my FI's bachelor party. By doing some searches I've seen a lot of posts about some women's hesitance about their FIs going to strip clubs for their bachelor's party. I'm in this camp: I trust FI completely, he's never been to a strip club before so clearly there has been no motivation/interest in going in the past, but they make me uncomfortable. I dunno, the objectification and sexualization of women (like we don't get enough when we're fully dressed), it just totally puts me off.

So I understand and have seen that most women (in the posts I fount, anyway) are of the attitude that they don't like it or support it, but if it happens FI wouldn't be that into it anyway. It's not a big deal.

And the question: I would generally be of the above opinion...except that FI's BM just ASKED me what limits I'd like to put on the bachelor's party. Right, it's nice that he's asking...but maybe if you need to ask you already know the answer?? The actual question is "Are there red lines you don't want [FI] to cross?" (Wording sounds awkward, like FI is a wildman, but BM is not a native speaker, so I'm blaming that.) I mean, I wouldn't have volunteered my opinion before, but since I'm being asked, what do I say? What NEEDS to be said? No touching? What the heck are these red lines? Where do I even begin?

P.S. - Bachelor's party is a surprise party this weekend, so FI's input is no good. He'll be whisked away on a plane with 2 of his best friends - 2 friends who will totally want to do strip clubs/strippers.

CN: Idea of strip clubs makes me totally uncomfortable. BM who is planning bachelor's party asks me what my limits on the party's activities are. What to say??

brilibby4

I know its a surprise, but I feel like its a conversation that you and fi can still have.  My fiance and I spoke about what we would be comfortable with/uncomfortable with if bach parties were offered to us.

Loopyseven

Since he asked, I'd be honest with him, and tell him you'd prefer they not go to strip clubs, but otherwise have fun and enjoy themselves.

Summer2011Bride

I think you still need to talk to FI. You can speak hypothetically without spilling the beans about this weekend, like "So let's talk about what we're comfortable with for bachelor/ette parties." You need to be honest with him and he with you. Discuss what you're both OK with. Then trust him to stick to that when he does go away this weekend. I would much rather do that than tell a GM "He can do this and this but not this." This is a conversation you should really have with FI.

strlzfan11

You were asked for your opinion.  You should give it, but know that it might be ignored.

iheartmarshall

Wow, this is a tough one!  If I were you, I would let the BM know how uncomfortable you are and ask that he doesn't force your FI into anything he doesn't want to do (peer pressure from your friends, especially for guys, can be brutal).  Just tell him to please respect your wishes and morals and to not put FI in any compromising situation.  I know you trust your FI and it sounds like he wouldn't do anything out of line anyway, but you never know what kind of situations his friends can get him into without him knowing... if that makes sense.  Just be stern about them respecting not only you, but him as well. 

Also?  No lap dances.  Zilch!

nextrightthing

Tell him you aren't comfortable w it and don't think your FI is into it. Expect them to go to a strip club. :

cpblanco

Thanks for these ideas. I wanted to be honest and respectful of their having their fun without being Debbie Downer. I feel a little better about nicely saying what I'm comfortable with.

FI talked about bachelor/ette parties a while ago, so he knows how I feel, and it's something we talked about a long time ago too. I think it could be weird to have now, because now it's clear that I won't be having a bachelorette party, and he thinks he won't either. (We're having a semi-DW in his hometown in Europe, and most of my family and friends are 30+ hours away from me in the States.)

cpblanco

nextrightthing: Haha, yes, I'm employing a don't-ask-don't-tell policy...I'm expecting they'll go to a strip club, I just want to know nothing about it!

KindaSparkly: Just WOW. Rest assured I will be dragging no one from any party buses. In fact, BM was kind enough to schedule this party on a weekend I'll be out of town anyway, since FI and I will be apart for the next 2 months before the wedding anyway. He really is trying to do the right thing by me!!

And KS, I feel for the little man in your signature

Edited to make sense.

ILoveToRobot

OP I think especially since the BM had the courtesy to ask you that you have every right to say what you are and aren't comfortable with. Like PP said, employ the don't ask don't tell policy. If the BM has the decency to ask I doubt he'd really make it a point to cross that line.

I get that you think women are being sexualized/objectified but what about male strippers? Not that your FI will see them but do you feel the same way about them or is it just females? FYI I'm just generally curious. I just feel the complete opposite of you so I'm pretty interested in what you think.

And talk to FI about it. Make it clear what you do and don't approve of.

cpblanco

Robot: Yeah, I do feel the same way about male strippers. It's something I would personally be uncomfortable with (for me) because of the sexualization/objectification. I don't feel that my comment about being sexualized by society is true to the same extent for men, but yeah, as far as strippers, I feel the same across genders.

SparrowSong

I think I'd say strip club ok but no private parties in a hotel room with strippers hired to attend. I just feel like those are the situations where stuff gets out of control. But in a club, at least there are some rules. 

Depending on the group of friends the groom has, I'd be hesitant to say "no this, no that, period" because that just gets at least one friend all riled up that it's not a real bachelor party and determined to hire a stripper anyway at the "golf weekend." And then you've got that private party situation. 

But that's just me. You've got to know the trust between you guys, and the type of guys who are attending and your trust of them. 

ShyDreamer00

Both FI and I are having separate bachelor/bachelorette parties. A strip club is definitely on the list of stops as that is something ALL of the guys attending wanted to do. He's not big into strippers, plus I don't really care...he says its like watching porn live, lol. I already know that I am also getting a stripper for my bachelorette party (my MOH wanted to make sure I was comfortable with it before she put it in action). FI and I discussed the situation, no jealousy/trust issues arose, but because we will both be drinking we decided to give each other guidelines and also two sober people our guidelines (there will be a couple sober people attending). I'm close with alot of his friends as he is with mine, plus my brothers are attending his bachelor party....so I don't see anything happening on purpose, but with drinking involved you never know The sober people will make sure nothing gets out of hand.
Basically, say what you are comfortable with....if you don't then you will regret it and spend the whole time he is gone obsessing over it!

sbelle85

My fiance has no desire to go to a strip club for any reason (bachelor party, with colleagues, etc) so I am grateful for that, since I wouldn't be comfortable with it anyway. I feel like a lot of the interactions men have with strippers at their bachelor parties constitute cheating. If a man got a lap dance from a naked or near-naked woman any other time, it would be considered cheating, so I don't think it's okay just because it's a bachelor party.

It's perfectly fine to have limits as to what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with, and I think that engaged partners should be able to talk openly about those limits and respect them. There's nothing wrong with expressing how you feel.

erollis

I am going to echo what others have said. BM asked you so you should give an honest answer. No strip clubs. 

H's BM & GM's asked what would be ok. I told them I don't care about H going to strip clubs, getting drunk and what have you. I did not want him getting maimed, killed, any sex acts performed and getting arrested. 

Turns out H got back early (midnight) since the BM wanted to call it a night early. He was one of two dd's and that would of left half the group without a ride. They could have taken a taxi but called it a night. H came back smashed, woke me up and told me how much he loved me. He continued to keep me awake and told me everything they did. The next day our friend showed me all the pictures he took. I really didn't care but they showed me anyways. It was just a harmless night of dinner, playing pool and bar hopping. H had such a good time though. They ran into a bachelorette party while bar hopping where the bride had the same first name as me. 

cpblanco

Sbelle, that's how I feel too, and I know FI wouldn't volunteer the idea of going to a strip club. In fact, FI is from a country where the norm is that the WOMEN go to strip clubs and the GUYS bar hop and make the guest of honor doing embarrassing things. FI organized a good friend's bachelor's party last year, in his home country, and it involved coming up with pranks, embarrassing childhood stories, and forcing the guest of honor to complete funny tasks at each place (e.g. ask a woman for her lipstick and write I forget what on his face). FI got the bartenders in on it all beforehand, so it ended up being a really funny night for them.

Like you said, it should never be borderline cheating. You had your last crazy fling before you committed to being with me

ChristineNB

I think you should let your fiance know how you feel about strip clubs, but at the same time, know that perhaps he is curious, since this is the one time he would be able to check one out.

Me and my fiance are of a different camp.  We both go to strip clubs together as a couple and admire the ladies and the entertainment.  I am not jealous of the strippers at all, and so fiance staring at the strippers or getting a lap dance is fine.  I know that fiance's groomsman that is helping with the bachelor party is planning strip clubs, which is exactly what fiance would want. 

lstruggles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-is-within-my-right-to-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e4da7d06-fd47-4143-9616-7c1dd8668ff6Post:99e191d2-c2b1-481b-b4cf-d9e19e2227e3">Re: What is within my "right" to say?</a>:
[QUOTE]I knew a crazy chick who gave her FI's GM an itinerary and list of "approved locations" they could bring her FI for his bachelor party.  When the GM deviated from the list and went to a topless bar, the girl (who found this out since she was sitting at home facebook stalking all their posts) went into a rage, drove an hour to the bachelor party city, got into a verbal argument with the whole bridal party, kicked out two groomsmen, removed her FI from the party bus and brought him home. The guy still married the chick. I'm not saying you would do this, however, I think it goes to show that it's a conversation you should have with your FI and not his groomsmen.  The FI didn't know he was doing anything wrong since he never spoke with his fiancee about her feelings on the matter.  Granted, that doesn't make her flying off the handle reaction OK. For those of you who remember a post I made a few days ago... this is the bikini wax chick.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

That poor guy is in for a long hard marriage. I feel sorry for him LOL

DMoore421

My FI and I aleady have had this conversation and we aren't getting married until OCT 2013.  Apparently I am in the minority when it comes to how I feel about strip clubs and partying.  I trust my FI 100% ... I really have no problem with him going to a strip club - especially for his Bachelor party - or even going out with the guys - he would never be making out with a stripper and wouldnt let anything go to far - drunk or not - he is just the kind of guy who wouldn't let a situation get out of hand -
If you trust your FI then don't worry about it - especially if it is not a normal thing for him anyways - then let them go have fun and he will come home to you ...