What do you think of this?

scpalmtree06

To make a long story short: invites went out two weeks ago.  People we know are in relationships/married/engaged got to bring a guest.  One of our invitees is a middle-aged, divorced friend of FI's mother.  She did not receive a +1 because to our knowledge she's not in a relationship.  Apparently when she received the invitation without a +1 she called up FMIL and acted rather offended, "You mean I DON'T get to bring a guest!?!?" etc.  I gather that she wanted to bring one of her adult children, but I can't be certain.

We got the response card in the mail last week with a decline.  FI's mom is upset with us that friend did not receive a +1.  However, we showed her the guest list prior to sending out invitations.  She saw that the friend was just invited by herself and made no comment or suggestion to give her a +1. 

(I personally think FI's mother's attitude is misdirected at us...I think she should be upset with her friend for being a b*tch).

Anyways, were we in the wrong for not giving her a +1?

squirrly

Would the woman who declined have known anybody but your FI's mom?  If not, I probably would have extended the +1 anyway.  It's likely your FI's mom will be a bit busy and she might have been worried/uncomfortable with being there alone and having no one to talk with. 

That said - it's not required.  You're completely within your right to have done what you did.  It's within the guests's right to decline, and was completely improper of her to call and complain in that manner.  And, it's inappropriate of your FMIL to take out her disappointment/frustration on you and your FI.

I'd try to let it blow over.  If it doesn't, your FI needs to have a talk with her.  Not blaming her for the lack of +1 request, but that what's done is done, there was no etiquette violation on your parts, and that you would both appreciate it if she could move on to bigger and better things.

Good luck.

Calypso1977

for starters, i would not have invited this person to begin with.  she's a friend of FI's mother, not a friend of FI.

second, you did not violate any rule of etiquttte by not extending +1 to her

third, while it sucks she's divorced, she needs to learn how to attend social functions on her own and make the best of it.  she wont always be able to bring a friend or one of her kids to hold her hand through life.

PsyDet 2155

Calypso and I are, once again, in complete agreement with this situation.

scpalmtree06

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-this-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5003380-adb9-491c-9339-bd9ddde688c9Post:7be699e9-b54c-43b1-a0fa-568b8edfc933">Re: What do you think of this?</a>:
[QUOTE]second, you did not violate any rule of etiquttte by not extending +1 to her third, while it sucks she's divorced, she needs to learn how to attend social functions on her own and make the best of it.  she wont always be able to bring a friend or one of her kids to hold her hand through life.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Exactly!!!  I was wondering myself how this woman attends other social events and gatherings by herself.  Maybe she just declines all invites?

The irony is that 2-3 years ago, when this friend's daughter graduated from high school, FI's mom took the opportunity to fly up (the friend lives in NY state, FI's parents live in SC, wedding is in VA for the record), attend the graduation, visit with the friend and her kids, etc. all by herself.  FI's mom is one of the most caring, generous people I know, so I know that her friend's decline is especially disappointing to her since she herself has gone out of her way to visit her friend and celebrate her friend's kids' accomplishments.  And now the friend won't reciprocate for the sake of FI's mom.

Kristin789

1.  No.  In my area, you only extend the +1 if someone is engaged or living with someone or married to someone.  Giving everyone a +1 is considered to be piling on to the reception bill and that's not fair to FOB, and it's considered to be rude to invite a total stranger / flavor of the month to a wedding reception as if it's a Sat night dinner/dance blowout.

2.  I'd like to know how you came to know this information.
When this "friend" called FMIL, FMIL should have said, "Look Gladys, you aren't married, you aren't engaged, and you aren't living with someone.  So no, you would not get a +1 on your invitation."  And then FMIL should have shut her mouth.
I'm guessing that FMIL told your FI.  Really shouldn't have done that - should have handled this herself. 
And I'm guessing that FI told you.  Really should have handled this with his mom - this dysfunction is on his side of the family and he needs to deal with stuff on his side.

scpalmtree06

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-this-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5003380-adb9-491c-9339-bd9ddde688c9Post:261150b8-c9a3-49fa-8f68-4b2be06725ad">Re: What do you think of this?</a>:
[QUOTE]2.  I'd like to know how you came to know this information. When this "friend" called FMIL, FMIL should have said, "Look Gladys, you aren't married, you aren't engaged, and you aren't living with someone.  So no, you would not get a +1 on your invitation."  And then FMIL should have shut her mouth. I'm guessing that FMIL told your FI.  Really shouldn't have done that - should have handled this herself.  And I'm guessing that FI told you.  Really should have handled this with his mom - this dysfunction is on his side of the family and he needs to deal with stuff on his side.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Well, FI happened to call his mother right at the time she was on the phone with this friend, so she answered his call and said "Gladys" had just received our invitation and was shocked that she didn't get to bring a guest.  We're pretty open in our families about these type of things too, so it's not a surprise that FI's mother told us.

Thanks for the responses ladies.

fangsiting

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-this-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5003380-adb9-491c-9339-bd9ddde688c9Post:261150b8-c9a3-49fa-8f68-4b2be06725ad">Re: What do you think of this?</a>:
[QUOTE]1.  No.  In my area, you only extend the +1 if someone is engaged or living with someone or married to someone.  Giving everyone a +1 is considered to be piling on to the reception bill <strong>and that's not fair to FOB... </strong>
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

WTF?  Do women not work in your area?  It's very antiquated to think that the bride's parents pay for the wedding, but it is very sexist to think that the FOB pays for it as if the MOB can't offer financial assistance. 

tenofcups4me

I could see why an older woman would be surprised to not receive a plus-one. In general, I'm always a fan of extending a plus-one to everyone, but I do understand that's not always financially possible. But I think there's a difference between asking a friend of yours, who will probably know a lot of people, to go solo and asking an older divorced friend of your FMIL to attend by herself. I'm sorry she decided to decline, but I don't actually find it very surprising. (And I definitely don't see anything "dysfunctional" about your FH's mother mentioning it to him or him mentioning it to you -- it's called "communication.")

hcbrowne

In my area/circle it is by far and away the norm to extend a plus one to every guest and is considered rude otherwise. I totally understand the concept/why someone would not be able to do that and think that it is ok/understandable. That being said, before I started to plan a wedding myself, if I had recieved an invite without a plus one, or an understood plus one, I'd be surprised. A lot of people consider this to be the norm, especially older people.

Not surprised she was offended.

Unfortunately the best thing to do is just explain to her that because of budget constraints plus ones are restricted to:etc. etc.

If she is still upset after that then the burden is on her to carry that negative judgement.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-this-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5003380-adb9-491c-9339-bd9ddde688c9Post:261150b8-c9a3-49fa-8f68-4b2be06725ad">Re: What do you think of this?</a>:
[QUOTE]1.  No.  In my area, you only extend the +1 if someone is engaged or living with someone or married to someone.  Giving everyone a +1 is considered to be piling on to the reception bill and <strong>that's not fair to FOB</strong>, and it's considered to be rude to invite a total stranger / flavor of the month to a wedding reception as if it's a Sat night dinner/dance blowout. 2.  I'd like to know how you came to know this information. When this "friend" called FMIL, FMIL should have said,<strong> "Look Gladys, you aren't married, you aren't engaged, and you aren't living with someone.  So no, you would not get a +1 on your invitation."</strong>  And then FMIL should have shut her mouth. I'm guessing that FMIL told your FI.  Really shouldn't have done that - should have handled this herself.  And I'm guessing that FI told you.  Really should have handled this with his mom - <strong>this dysfunction is on his side of the family and he needs to deal with stuff on his side.
</strong>Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Ugh, ignore her. She lives in the 15th century.

And how is pointing out someone's lack of attachment to another person NOT rude?

jenb1205

If she were traveling from NY State to Virginia for the wedding, I think a +1 would have been appropriate.