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Etiquette

At a loss... (vent-ish)

So this isn't angry vent-ish, but more like I don't know what to do and just need to talk I guess.

I just found out that a family friend (and one of my mom's best friends) died. She hung herself, and her funeral is today. I wasn't as close with her as my mom was, but I used to tutor her daughter throughout high school and she gave us a nice gift for our wedding just a few months ago. Her other daughter is 3 months pregnant, and she supposedly was excited to be a grandma. I don't know what happened. My mom talked to her the day before she suicided, and they had made plans for the next day.

My mom is someone who never talks about her feelings and tries to keep everything to herself so she doesn't have to talk about it, and also to protect us I think. We only found out about this because my sister called my parents at the viewing last night and they accidentally picked up the phone (sis and I both live out of state, so we wouldn't have known for awhile otherwise). I haven't talked to my mom yet, but I don't know what to say to her. She doesn't let her kids comfort her, and it's a weird dynamic.

I feel really bad and helpless in regards to my mom. I don't know what to do to help. Plus, I'm sad. What can I do? Thanks for listening if you've made it this far.



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Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

"cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko

Re: At a loss... (vent-ish)

  • Oh Beatles. I just don't even know what to say. I'm not even sure I have words of advice for you. I am sending you lots of hugs.

    I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you, and I am sending thoughts and prayers your way, and hoping that you get through this with the strength I know you have. This is a topic that is very near to me, and one that I am extremely sensitive to, and so I feel like I know to some extent what you're going through.

    It is difficult to comfort a parent in the first place, and when that parent won't let herself be comforted by her children, that puts a different spin on things all together. I'm wondering, though, if the shock of this won't change her reaction and at least let her let you 'be" with her. Maybe that's what she needs, and maybe it is what she derives comfort from.

    Again, you have my deepest sympathies. I wish I could do more for you. Hugs, M.
    image
    Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
    I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
  • I know 7 people who commited suicide, including two 11 year olds and one was my friend's dad who hung himself and she found him on her bday...

    The best thing you can do for your mom is just be there or be absent, however she best greives.  Suicide is one of the hardest things to deal with because there are so many unanswered questions and everyone wants to blame themselves. I would call and leave a message just saying hi, I'm thinking of you, I'm here if you'd like to chat. Reach out to your dad if you can. everbody reacts differently to these things so it's hard to gauge from an outsider's point of view.

    and for yourself... well we're here if you need to talk to someone, just in general it's nice to be able to discuss something this tragic to get it off your chest. take a few days for yourself to reflect. Spend some time with your husband. If you can visit your mom, maybe now is the time to go out and do that(donno if you're going ot the funeral etc).

    Also PM me if you need anything! ::hugs::
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  • I would call your mom and let her know that you are very sorry for her loss. let her know that you are there for her if she needs anything. follow it up with a nice card letting her know how much you appreciate and love her. with this response, you are not bombarding her with unwelcome sympathy, but you are letting her know you care, and that you are there for her.
  • Missy, thank you. And I'm really sorry to hear that this is a familiar topic for you. I think you're right about the shock and her letting my sister and I be with her. I really wish she didn't live thousands of miles away, because I bet she would let me sit with her and help make food, etc. From what I understand, she's been over at her friend's house every day to cook and help take care of her friend's kids, as promised years ago. I know that's probably helping her cope by staying busy. I wish there was something I could send, but my mom is not into gifts, and would worry I spent too much money.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • LilG, thank you for sharing your experiences. You are definitely a strong person to have gone through all of these things. I am not going to the funeral, as it is in a different state. I actually haven't talked to my mom yet, because by the time I found out my mom was already going to the funeral with friends. It's a Mass, then a trip out of town for the burial. So I won't be able to talk to her until tonight.

    BGB, you're right, letting her know how much I love her and am here for her can't hurt. I know she would appreciate those things being reinforced right about now.

    Thanks so much for your support and hugs ladies. This is helping me to feel more grounded.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • bbyckesbbyckes member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited January 2010
    Beats, I'm sorry for the loss of a family friend.  Even if your mom doesn't "allow" you to comfort her, tell her how sorry you are about her friend.  I would also tell her how much you love her.  How much you're happy that she's in your life and what she means to you.  It doesn't have to be some sappy soliloquy, but just enough to get your point across. 

    Agains, hugs to you, my friend.
  • Bec and Julez, thank you. It's nice to have so many hugs today! And yes, Moms do like cards. I know I would.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
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