Who to invite?

eav2c

We are in the process of figuring out exactly who we do and don't want to invite. We are trying to assess our budget and it's quite hard to do without a tenative "guest list". Because nearly all of our guests will be traveling more than 500 miles to our wedding, we will be sending out STD's around September.

In any event, my FI's mom is handling his side... So, I don't have to worry too much about that. But, I'm pretty much alone in figuring out who to invite for my side. When it comes to family, we don't have a big immediate family...But, one of my dad's sisters has three children and then from there the family gets big. In fact, most of my cousins I refer to as "aunts" and "uncles" because there is such a HUGE age gap... some of my cousins have children older than me.

In any event, I really don't want to invite my cousins. But if I invite one--I've got to invite everyone! We're looking at about 20-30 people just in cousins alone. I haven't seen them in nearly 10 years... So, I just feel awkward inviting them. However, I have a feeling that if I don't, my aunt won't let me live it down. We do not want a big wedding--100 people max. But we were more hoping for around 70 people. We have leeway for more--but, that's not what either of us really want.

So... How do I go about picking and choosing family members? I don't want to piss anyone off... But really, if an invitation arrived at their house, they'd probably be thinking... "Who is this girl inviting us to her wedding?"... SO do I invite the distant cousins that I havent seen in a decade? If I invite them--then I'll have to invite all of their children (most of the children are my age or older).

I'm at the point where I just want to suck it up and do it out of courtesy... I'm sure most won't come anyway... But, I'd like to invite people who WILL come. My dad thinks I shouldn't invite my friends... But, I'm the one paying the bill, wouldn't it be more important to have people at my wedding who actually know me?

I don't want to upset my Aunt... We have been invited to some of her childrens weddings and some of her grandchildren's wedding... But not all of them. I want to do the proper thing--maybe just inviting my immediate cousins? I just don't know. It would seem improper because some of my cousins children are MY age... So, I feel like it'd turn into drama.

So--how do I go about this? Sending invites to just the immediate cousins--or everyone? Or none of them?

ThePinkSuperhero

My advice: don't send STDs to anyone (maybe the people you're TOTALLY SURE you want to/have to/need to invite).  Then you have more time to think about things.

LesaBear

I have a number of thoughts to your post. First, try not to stress. Nearly everyone has this problem. It was one of our largest issues. Especially because you are footing the bill you really shouldn't feel like you "have" to invite anyone. In practice I know that's not always the case.

To make things easier you may want to give his mom a definite number to go off of. Maybe in your case 50 people? I was shocked when my FMIL came up with a list of 150 for our 20 person wedding. 
 
If you haven't seen your cousins in many years, but you are close to one of them, I don't think the if you invite one you must invite all logic applies. If you do invite them, you do not also have to invite their adult children. The rule is usually that kids over 18 get their own invite. If they have adult children out of the house I don't think it would be expected that they be invited.

IMHO you should most definitely invite your friends over people you haven't seen in 10 years and aren't close too. Try to come up with some rules for yourself and focus on who you really want to share the day with.

eav2c

Thanks for the replies.

Well, I need to figure out exactly WHO I'm inviting before I send the STDs. I can't send one to just my Aunt and not her children if I do down the road decide to invite them. They are all quite clicky--and I'm sure somehow they'd turn it around on me if they don't get a STD when she does.

I also don't think two of my Aunt's son's would be offended if they aren't invited. Just her daughter, really. But the way I see it, if I invite one of my Aunt's children (the daughter), I need to invite the other two. But that just opens up a whole other can of worms as my cousins will expect that the invitation extends to THEIR children. I just know how they are--and if one is invited and the rest aren't, no one will come. On the flip side, I'm much closer to my dad's half sister... and I WANT to invite her children. But, I'm afraid that will offend my other Aunt.

I guess the best thing to do is talk with my brother and see what he did for his wedding. I highly doubt he invited the entire family--so, he could shed some light on who and who not to invite. I just don't want to cause problems.

When it comes to my FI's side--his mom had a guest list OVER 70 people. My FI told her that 70 was TOO many as we only wanted 70 total... So, she is scaling back the guest list to about 30-40 people.

I would just much prefer to invite people who I know on a personal level. I don't want to be fumbling to remember peoples names--I just can't imagine one of the more intimate days of my life to be spent with strangers. The more I think about it--it just seems to be more ideal to invite those who I truly know... If it upsets people, then so be it. But I simply cannot control that..especially when I have a strict budget and don't want a big wedding.

danieliza1127

I have a slew of cousins in another state that I hadn't seen in 15-20 years, and I didn't invite any of them to my wedding.  I don't think they ever would have expected me to.

You need to just stand up to your Aunt.  It's your wedding, not hers, and you are paying for it, not her.  If you want to have a smaller size, more intimate wedding, that is your choice.  And you can tell her that.  Period.  You are an adult, you are getting married, if you can't defend your own choices, then you have other problems.

Start your list by putting down everyone that YOU and your FI want to have there on your wedding day.  See how many people you have.  Move out from there.

squirrly

We invited the people we wanted to have at the wedding.  I'm certain somebody is offended we didn't invite them.  Honestly, though, I'm not worried about it becuase whoever they are, they're somebody I NEVER see.  My dad's family is huge, and mostly local.  I could have easily added over 100 guests to the list by inviting all of them.  I just didn't see the point.  They don't know where I live, what I do, how to contact me (except through my parents or grandparents), or what FI's name is.  Therefore - I don't see the need to invite them.

The standard line around here is to treat everyone with the same familial relationship the same way, but I don't generally agree with that.  If you see somebody regularly, enjoy their company, etc. - invite them.  If you haven't seen them in 10 years and never think of them - don't bother.  People who take issue with that should really be a bit more adult about the whole thing. 

cookiesandwine

I've had similar issues with extended family (my mom has over 100 first cousins!) so we're inviting the ones we see and keep in touch with regularly. With the clique-y ness, my thoughts are "if you're going to pout and act like a child, that's the reason a) we aren't close and b) you're not invited.  It is really hard when it comes to cutting people so good luck

eav2c

Thanks everyone

I really appreciate the insight. I just wanted to assure that NOT inviting them was ok. The more I think about it, it really makes no sense to invite people who I wouldn't even recognize if I passed them on the street.

Ironically, my Aunt (the one I was concerned about) just wrote on my facebook wall saying "Any wedding plans yet?"... hahaha. I just couldn't help but laugh.