what would you do?

weddingnaive

I think my FI is having an emotional affair.

I had to log on to his email account for something, and I found that he's been emailing with an "ex" of his (not quite an ex, as they never dated faithfully).  He's doing light flirting.  I also found an email from a common friend of theirs congratulating FI on the upcoming wedding.  My FI responded thanks, please don't tell "J" (the sort of ex).

I know that he couldn't have physically cheated on me because this girl lives on the opposite coast.  But he's been hinting at wanting to see her again, and since his family lives in the same town as her, he has reason to do so.

What do I do?  Do I confront him when I was snooping through his email (unsolicited)?  I went on the email to get one specific bit of information, but I opened this suspicious email and then followed the email chain.  I know that's an invasion of his privacy.

My wedding is less than two months away.  I really love him, but I feel devastated that he's having any sort of cold feet, especially after hearing time and again that he "thanks God" for me.

wadingmoose

[QUOTE]Do I confront him when I was snooping through his email (unsolicited)[/QUOTE]

This probably won't end well.  Hello, trust issues - he'll have 'em.

And so do you.

I think  you need to deal with this, but yeah...

damaless

I am pretty sure you can only retroactively justify snooping if the offense you find out about is worse than the offense of violating your partner's privacy.  I think if all you found was "light flirting" that could be you misinterpreting things.  I think if he's hinting at wanting to see her again, it might be because they are on friendlier terms now than they were after the breakup.  I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and also keep an eye on him at the same time, by suggesting that you'd like to meet her too and maybe you can all go to lunch together next time you're visiting his family.  I think if you get confrontational about them being friendly with each other (if this is how he sees his interactions with her, anyway), it will just make him defensive and worried that you are getting irrationally jealous (which maybe you are).

I know some people will have opposing opinions because they typically do not believe that maintaining friendly contact with exes is healthy, but I disagree in some situations.

akhensley81

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I would definitely talk to him. It sounds like you have his email password (it doesn't sound like you "hacked" in to find it) so I would just tell him what happened, and what you found. And flat out ask him what's going on.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I had a similar occurance with an ex that DID end up in me learning that he was cheating. But I don't regret asking when I did. It wasn't an email box... I was looking in his bag/briefcase thing for something and found several months' worth of phone bills tucked away in there. When I looked at them, I saw a ton of calls on his call log to a number that turned out to be a local dating/sex hookup line.

Definitely definitely talk to him. But be prepared that he might say something you don't want to hear. And THANK GOD this happened before the wedding.

weddingnaive

I just wanted to add this: okay, so in following their email chain (he was supposed to see her this month but had to cancel the trip back home), their common friend just wrote to him congratulating him on the upcoming wedding.  My FI told his friend not to tell this girl about the engagement.

jayjoe

Although i was not engaged to him, this happened with an ex of mine. That is why he is my ex. I didnt even care that he would not trust me for going through his stuff, i no longer trusted him for the emails i saw and knew i never would again.

Another situation: i dated someone for 7 years. When we broke up, mutually, he started sending me flirty emails. I was also with someone else and emailed him back asking him to stop. He did, but his new gf saw the emails. They are married with a child and to this day (its been 9 years!!!) she has trust issues with him. I am friends with her and she has admitted it. They are not very happy because of it.

I'm sorry. I've been there. I wish it on no one. Betrayal hurts like a mofo.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would probably wait until he mentions her or wants to visit her and tell him you're uncomfortable with him having contact with her, and see where it goes from there. Normally I'd be fine with my FI having contact with an ex, but we all have our little ticks and you not wanting him to contact her should be something he respects, even if he doesn't know you have reasons. And I would definitely not confess to email snooping.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:a57cea92-1dde-4900-b0af-ac67e9ce54cc">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to add this: okay, so in following their email chain (he was supposed to see her this month but had to cancel the trip back home), their common friend just wrote to him congratulating him on the upcoming wedding.  My FI told his friend not to tell this girl about the engagement.
Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]


You said that in the first post.  You also just joined today, which is not a crime, I'm just saying.

Your biggest issue really is how to bring up to him that you were snooping in his email, because reading entire threads from multiple people goes beyond just stumbling upon it when you opened his mail.

damaless

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:a57cea92-1dde-4900-b0af-ac67e9ce54cc">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to add this: okay, so in following their email chain (he was supposed to see her this month but had to cancel the trip back home), their common friend just wrote to him congratulating him on the upcoming wedding.  My FI told his friend not to tell this girl about the engagement.
Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]

That's not necessarily because he's planning on cheating on you.  Maybe he just doesn't want to rock the boat with this girl if they are just coming back to being on friendly terms.  Or maybe he just wants to tell her himself instead of having her hear it through the grapevine.  I'm not saying he's *definitely not wanting to cheat*, I'm saying I think you are jumping to conclusions a bit.

ohwhynot

Of course I'd ask him about it - how could you not?  He may be angry with you for snooping, but you still need to ask him what, if anything, is going on.

In my opinion (and I know it's not a popular opinion), there's no such thing as "private" emails or letters between engaged or married people.  If I had a communique with an ex that I wanted/needed to keep private from my H, there'd be a problem. 

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:a57cea92-1dde-4900-b0af-ac67e9ce54cc">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to add this: okay, so in following their email chain (he was supposed to see her this month but had to cancel the trip back home), their common friend just wrote to him congratulating him on the upcoming wedding.  My FI told his friend not to tell this girl about the engagement.
Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]

Next time this girl's name comes up, ask him about her coming to the wedding. See how he reacts. I wouldn't confront him as he was only flirting, but you can figure this out by other means. Of course if you are having doubts counseling or postpone the wedding.

Brie2010

Yeah, I would go with your gut on this one and be like, "hey, I realize snooping in your e-mail is a jackazz move, but I saw this and now I'm concerned.  'Splain."  You can't just forget about stuff like this, so at some point it's going to come up and it's better to let it out now rather than let it fester.

Celles

I found out an ex was cheating on me by snooping through his e-mail.  It wasn't right -- but in light of what I found, I certainly don't feel guilty!

You need to confront your FI about "J" to find out where he stands.  Does he still have feelings for her?  (That in itself isn't awful; I think a lot of us have someone in our past who we consider the "road not taken" and wonder about from time to time.)  But if your FI is having doubts about committing to you, then it's better to know now -- before the wedding -- than to doubt his vows as he is making them. 

You could use the hints he's dropped as an opening: "Hey, hon.  I know you've said you want to meet up with J. again the next time you visit your parents, but I've been thinking about it and I need you to know I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea..."

You should probably own up to snooping.  But if I were to be 100% honest...  I wouldn't.  I'm a bad person, though, with trust issues of my own.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:ed0ebf8c-1345-447f-886a-5929e551ab27">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course I'd ask him about it - how could you not?  He may be angry with you for snooping, but you still need to ask him what, if anything, is going on. In my opinion (and I know it's not a popular opinion), there's no such thing as "private" emails or letters between engaged or married people.  If I had a communique with an ex that I wanted/needed to keep private from my H, there'd be a problem. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]


There's nothing I want to keep from Herbert.  There's just my privacy.  If there's something he needs to know, I'll tell him.  If not, there's really nothing to be found in my inbox at all.  I have nothing to hide, but I resent the implication that someone reading my emails has.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:a57cea92-1dde-4900-b0af-ac67e9ce54cc">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to add this: okay, so in following their email chain (he was supposed to see her this month but had to cancel the trip back home), their common friend just wrote to him congratulating him on the upcoming wedding.  My FI told his friend not to tell this girl about the engagement.
Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]

That's what concerns me.  There is no innocent reason for this ex not to know he's engaged. 

I think I would just fess up to snooping and ask for an explanation for this statement in particular.  Although I question whether you would get an honest response from him.

amysmomma

I think you should be up front with him about checking his e-mail and what you found.  Secrecy and lies do not a good marriage make.  It sounds like you both need to have an honest and open discussion about the whole thing.  Yeah he might be pissed, and he has every right to be, but checking his e-mails without his permission was not OK, and he deserves to know that you did it.  And you deserve to know if there's anything that you really need to worry about.

I agree too with Akhensley in saying that thank god it happened before the wedding.

And FWIW, I would have suspicions too, especially about the not wanting anybody to tell his ex that he's engaged.  That's a red flag for me.

weddingnaive

This is not someone who's name has ever come up.  My Fi was supposed to take a trip back home alone, and that's when he was planning on seeing her.  When we visit his home, we only hang out with his family or his married friends.

My FI becomes incensed when I so much as bring up an ex.  He told me to cut off all communication with them. 

arv266

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:a57cea92-1dde-4900-b0af-ac67e9ce54cc">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to add this: okay, so in following their email chain (he was supposed to see her this month but had to cancel the trip back home), their common friend just wrote to him congratulating him on the upcoming wedding.  <strong>My FI told his friend not to tell this girl about the engagement.
</strong>Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]

I think you know this already, but this is a huge red flag. 

The information is out there, and you need to address it.  For whatever reason, FI is keeping his engagement to you from this other woman, and that is never a good thing.  Either he is ready to commit to you completely and totally, or he is not. 

My ex-husband was having an emotional affair with a woman he met in a chat room.   I had my suspicions but never had an proof, only behavior that did not feel right to me.  The woman H called me one day to let me know, and also forwarded all the emails he found on her computer.  Needless to say, it was a shocking day.
I am glad I had those emails, because without them, he would have never been man enough to be honest with me.

If you are about to marry this man, I think you owe it to yourself to ask questions.  You may not like the answer you receive.  GL

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:8f2f46cd-f88a-4cd4-8487-0ac5c5540b41">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: what would you do? : That's what concerns me.  There is no innocent reason for this ex not to know he's engaged.  I think I would just fess up to snooping and ask for an explanation for this statement in particular.  Although I question whether you would get an honest response from him.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

I didn't tell my ex I was engaged for over a year.  For all that he cheated on me, I knew it would hurt him.  He said for years that the worst part about breaking up was knowing that I would eventually move on, and he wasn't sure he could handle seeing or hearing about me with another man.  I didn't keep the engagement from him for nefarious reasons of my own; I was just reluctant to cause him pain.  We caused each other more than enough of that while we were together.  We're only in sporadic contact these days, and neither of us talks about our new partners.  We keep the conversations deliberately light.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:36f4715f-e521-4d2a-ae43-46f1028a308e">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is not someone who's name has ever come up.  My Fi was supposed to take a trip back home alone, and that's when he was planning on seeing her.  When we visit his home, we only hang out with his family or his married friends. My FI becomes incensed when I so much as bring up an ex.  He told me to cut off all communication with them. 
Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]

Red flag.

So you found out only through the email that he was going to see her? How I read it was that you knew he was visiting her before. You need to confront him and fess up about the email reading.


Edit: double posted as my computer is dumb, deleted the second one

akhensley81

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:36f4715f-e521-4d2a-ae43-46f1028a308e">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>This is not someone who's name has ever come up.</strong>  <strong>My Fi was supposed to take a trip back home alone, and that's when he was planning on seeing her.</strong>  When we visit his home, we only hang out with his family or his married friends. My FI becomes incensed when I so much as bring up an ex.  He told me to cut off all communication with them. 
Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]

I'd say this is another red flag.

Pirata13

You need to have a serious talk and don't expect this to end well. You're both doing things you are not supposed to be doing (he flirting with the ex and you snooping through his emails). Here's my opinion and I'm going to be blunt.  You say she's not an ex because they never really dated faithfully. That tells me they just shagged a lot. He wants to see her again and doesn't want her to know he is engaged/2 months away from marriage. There's only one reason he doesn't want her to know--because he thinks she won't sleep with him if she knows he's engaged or married. 

I would agree with damaless that you are perhaps misinterpreting things if a) he told you about the communication, b) his wanting to see her again included you in the picture i.e. "well maybe when my fiance/wife and I are visiting my family and you're there, we can all meet. She's a great girl, I think you'd like her" and c) he had no problem telling her he is getting married. 

I'm telling you, there's no good reason to see someone you used to bang it out with while keeping secret that you are engaged, except to bang it out again.

I still think this could all be MUD, but in the event that it's not, get yourself some counselling about all of this and your trust issues that already exist.  I am assuming that he didn't know you were going into his email to "find specific information" knowing these emails to the "ex" were in there. And if he did, then that's another whole post there...

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:36f4715f-e521-4d2a-ae43-46f1028a308e">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE] My FI becomes incensed when I so much as bring up an ex.  He told me to cut off all communication with them. 
Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]

<div>He sounds controlling. My husband would never tell me who I can and cannot talk to. </div>

wadingmoose

Yeah, I'm seeing more red flags here.  You need to deal with it.  Just be prepared for it not to go well and for him to deflect everything onto you for snooping through his email.

Pirata's counseling suggestion is also a good one.

Celles

So you're not allowed to talk about your exes with him, but he's allowed to talk to his ex behind your back and plan a secret meeting?  That's... kind of bad.  I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:07712e8e-f548-48d3-a382-c010d9e4fff7">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: what would you do? : There's nothing I want to keep from Herbert.  There's just my privacy.  If there's something he needs to know, I'll tell him.  If not, there's really nothing to be found in my inbox at all.  I have nothing to hide, but I resent the implication that someone reading my emails has.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

Yes, I know.  I think most people agree with you.  I see most people see the snooping as something to "fess up" to, but I don't.  H is absolutely free to go through any of my stuff and vice versa. 

If, for whatever reason, he felt insecure or suspicious, of course I'd want him to come to me about it, but if he wanted to look through my stuff, I would have no objection.  He might find something that he wants to talk more about, but that would never have occurred to me as worrisome.  OP might find out that this is the case with her fi. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:ed0ebf8c-1345-447f-886a-5929e551ab27">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course I'd ask him about it - how could you not?  He may be angry with you for snooping, but you still need to ask him what, if anything, is going on. In my opinion (and I know it's not a popular opinion), there's no such thing as "private" emails or letters between engaged or married people.  If I had a communique with an ex that I wanted/needed to keep private from my H, there'd be a problem. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Oh, there's nothing I would want to keep from my FI. To me, it's about trusting him enough not to have to read his emails/texts. Plus, we all want a little privacy. Growing up, my parents felt free to come snoop through my room whenever they wanted because it was "their house" - which I totally see - but it was still mortifying for a teenager to have no privacy.

Pirata13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:36f4715f-e521-4d2a-ae43-46f1028a308e">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is not someone who's name has ever come up.  My Fi was supposed to take a trip back home alone, and that's when he was planning on seeing her.  When we visit his home, we only hang out with his family or his married friends. My FI becomes incensed when I so much as bring up an ex.  He told me to cut off all communication with them. 
Posted by weddingnaive[/QUOTE]

Red flag # 8,623,735

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-29?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f39e9e-be80-4f28-8f26-1605ae69f48fPost:2b42ff98-0285-4207-b520-59aaa62dd596">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: what would you do? : Yes, I know.  I think most people agree with you. <strong> I see most people see the snooping as something to "fess up" to</strong>, but I don't. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

I don't either -- at least, not anymore.  I'd want to retain access to his e-mail so I could find out if he was cheating.  />.>

(Trust issues: I haz them.)

akhensley81

Someone has to do it.

rbtrumpet

if he's talking to a girl, and doesn't talk to you about her, and doesn't want her to know he's engaged, yeah, I'd say you need to have a talk to him.

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "don't read your partener's e-mail" thing - I don't think there should be ANY secrets in marriage, I would not be hurt or angry at all if FI read my e-mail.  I can see a point to "people need to have privacy" - but he's not going to just come out and say "well, I'm thinking of cheating on you with this girl".

Either way if something inappropriate is going on, or you just have trust issues, you need to talk to FI.