i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)

rachelm13

I am going to try to simplify this story/plea for help with bulletpoints.  I will be monitoring so obviously happy to elaborate further if needed.  I literally just landed and got to my computer b/c I am just beyond shocked...

Details needed:

I have 4 ladies in my WP.  Cousin is MOH. Friend is BM1.  Other friend is BM2.  FSIL is also a BM.  FSIL's flight got canceled so she didn't join us.  MOH and BM1 have had mini hissyfits at each other for the planning of this thing.  MOH is newly pregnant like 10/11 weeks.  BM1 is type A big time and MOH is really laidback and has a 1 year old so she's got a lot going on aside from planning things.  TOTALLY FINE WITH ME.  I went to bed early 2 nights in a row b/c I drink and get sleepy sometimes... the other girls stayed up and partied  (TOTALLY FINE WITH ME).  BM1 Not married, BM2 Married MOH Married.  there were 5 bedrooms and by Saturday there was one completely free bed as others were doubled up.  (That point will be important later)

• BM1 basically picked a fight with every one at the house (9 girls total)
• BM1 VERY VERY bossy throughout the whole trip, nothing new, but needs to be added.  Didn't like when MOH showed up late (weather related)
• Saturday on the way to dinner, BM1 got a phone call that her friend's father died (close family friend)
• Was upset at dinner but "didn't want to talk about it"
• I asked if she wanted MOH to drive her home after dinner- declined
• Went to bar A.  Drank, karaoked, had fun for awhile...
• MOH had to leave karaoke b/c she started spotting (remember she's newly pregnant)
• At bar A, another bachelorette was there and was being WITCHY trying to elbow me, steal my mic, etc. BM1 got in her face
• BM1 picked a fight with me saying NO ONE wanted to be out and I was being ungrateful.  I said well I am happy to stay out and take a cab home if folks wanted to leave.  
• BM1 relayed that I was being a brat etc etc etc and picked a fight with BM2
• We went to bar B and BM1 seemed placated with 2 boys that she picked up along the way
• At Bar B BM1 left the group and proceeded to make out with one of the aforementioned guys
• BM2 was dancing with his friend but nothing crazy.
• MOH texted me that she was on the air mattress b/c it was closer to the floor/easier for her to maneuver in and out of.  (The air mattress was previously claimed by BM1)
• BM2 declined the dancing guy's advances (obviously) and he grabbed the guy BM1 was making out with essentially cockadoodledoo blocking her (honestly though no one wanted any random guys at the house)
• We leave the bar around 330am
• Get back to the house, I was delayed physically getting into the house
• BM1 was pulling the covers off MOH telling her to get out of the bed that it was HER bed and SHE wanted to sleep in it
• MOH yelled at BM1 calling her spoiled and selfish and a few other words that would be sensored
• BM1 said to her, and this is a direct quote:  Maybe if you weren't such a *hoar* (bad spelling on purpose) you wouldn't be miscarrying right now.
• I separated them put BM1 in different room with a bed all to herself and slept in the bed in the room that had the airmattress
• BM1 came back in to get some night stuff and they sarted yelling again
• MOH through a sutcase at BM1
• BM1 went to sleep in the other room

THIS.IS.MY.LIFE.  (sigh)  I know what is right and what is wrong, but I don't know how to address this for future state (i.e. my wedding!!!!)  MOH wants to back out, BM1 won't apologize, it's a huge mess.  I told both of them that I wanted to get some space from the weekend, think and process the whole thing.  I know I need to say something to both MOH and BM1 but I want to make sure I say the right things/do the right thing.

My MOH left early the next morning to fly back to see her doctor.  She's fine, but, was scared.

Salsera29

I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to say, that sounds awful. But it does make me give another thought to politely declining a BP.

NOLAbridealmost

Wow.  

Your friends sound klassy.

rachelm13

the rest of the girls were fine.  i am still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:f559caed-2c0f-491e-9f01-11895ef63b85">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]If it were me, I would be seriously<strong> reconsidering my friendship with BM1, not for any of her behavior, but for the comment she made to your MOH about miscarrying.</strong>  That's just heartless and cold, and I don't see why you'd want someone who would say something like that in your life. Regardless, I'm assuming alcohol was involved with at least you and BM1?  I would give it a few days for all parties to come down a bit and make your decision then.  I also wouldn't make this about your wedding.  These girls can suck it up for four hours while you get married.  I do think you need to weigh your friendships with both and make apologies / accomodations as necessary. ETA:  and I'm glad your MOH and her baby are okay.
Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with the bolded 100%.  Yes all but MOH (obviously) were drinking.  MOH is my cousin...</div><div>
</div><div>I will definitely give it a few days.  Thank you for your advice.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:f4d2ca2b-041b-4d59-9ad0-2bca14e78ee2">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG) : Yes, but by that rationale, at least BM1 has the semi crappy excuse of being drunk.  I wouldn't be friends with someone who was physically violent towards other friends (and stone cold sober to boot) any more than I would be friends with someone who says stupid, classless insults when they are drunk.  Ya know what I mean?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>MOH is my cousin and honestly I have NEVER in my 35 years with her seen her like that.  She is also tiny so seeing it hurled was astonishing in so many ways.  </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Simply Fated

"MOH wants to back out, BM1 won't apologize, it's a huge mess.  I told both of them that I wanted to get some space from the weekend, think and process the whole thing.  I know I need to say something to both MOH and BM1 but I want to make sure I say the right things/do the right thing."
I would stay out of it. At least for now.
You got two months left to go, right? What else is there for them to do together? Did you have your shower, yet?

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:16110531-da32-4c14-b4ba-04a7c8432c5b">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]"MOH wants to back out, BM1 won't apologize, it's a huge mess.  I told both of them that I wanted to get some space from the weekend, think and process the whole thing.  I know I need to say something to both MOH and BM1 but I want to make sure I say the right things/do the right thing." I would stay out of it. At least for now. You got two months left to go, right? What else is there for them to do together? Did you have your shower, yet?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>shower is less then 3 weeks away, luckily that is something my aunt wanted to plan/host so they just have to be in the same room together essentially... </div><div>
</div><div>they are supposed to get ready with me and obviously do the wedding/reception/photos yada. </div>

McRogol

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:be37e73e-b630-4fbc-84f0-dbbcd1597f67">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to say, that sounds awful. <strong>But it does make me give another thought to politely declining a BP.</strong>
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Exactly how I was feeling!   </div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:6c85c264-fc8e-4909-8845-262d529ac707">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG) : shower is less then 3 weeks away, luckily that is something my aunt wanted to plan/host so they just have to be in the same room together essentially...  they are supposed to get ready with me and obviously do the wedding/reception/photos yada. 
Posted by rachelm13[/QUOTE]
I would probably scrap the whole "getting ready with you" thing. Or at least give them the option to get ready on their own or what ever.
In general, you have about two months to let things cool down. Hopefully they won't act like kids at your wedding.
I'm glad yur MOH turned out to be ok. That has got to be so scary for her.

beardownbchs

If I were pregnant and someone said that to me, I'd do a hell of a lot more than throw a suitcase. That schit is NOT okay,

Jen4948

Yikes.  That BM really needs to be spoken to.  I'm glad your MOH is okay-being woken up in the middle of the night and taunted about miscarrying is just so over-the-top evil...after that it's hard to blame her (maybe impossible) for throwing a suitcase at the person who did that to her.

RamonaFlowers

I do have to say if I was pregnant is somebody called me a "whore" and then in the same breath made fun of the fact that I might be miscarrying at that very moment, I'd be doing a lot more than throwing something (anything) at somebody. Not necessarily the classiest thing one could do ...  but seriously.

I don't really have any advice, other than the BM who got drunk and then joked about you MOH miscarrying to her face is so beyond wrong in this situation it's not even funny.

MsYeck

I definitely think after some cool down a talk is in order. While I generally think treating adults like children is wrong, in this case I think a "I don't care how you feel about (other bridal party member), I consider everyone in my bridal party important in my life, going forward for wedding related events everybody just needs to suck it up and be nice" conversation might be in order.

STARMOON44

Do you really want to be friends with someone who calls your cousin a whore and jokes about her miscarrying?  You can't ask a bridesmaid to drop out if you want to maintain a relationship, but you can tell her you don't want her in your life anymore, including your wedding (and pay her back for the dress etc.)

jennyd412

I would seriously consider removing BM1 from your life. I can certainly understand wy MOH was angry enough to thro something. My guess is she wants to "back out" because of BM1. If my friend treated my pregnant cousin that way, I would be all done with that friend (drunk or not).

yellowrose314

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:f4d2ca2b-041b-4d59-9ad0-2bca14e78ee2">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG) : Yes, but by that rationale, at least <strong>BM1 has the semi crappy excuse of being drunk</strong>.  I wouldn't be friends with someone who was<strong> physically violent</strong> towards other friends (and stone cold sober to boot) any more than I would be friends with someone who says stupid, classless insults when they are drunk.  Ya know what I mean?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but being drunk is NEVER an excuse. Alcohol simply loosens your inhibitions and brings thoughts, actions, and words to light that you maybe would have the good sense not to say if you were sober, but it's not an excuse. And it sounds to me like BM1 was already a pill when she was sober.

I've miscarried twice in the last 2 years, and you can bet your azz that if someone told me I was a whore and made a joke about me miscarrying, I would do a lot more than throw a suitcase at them. And from what OP said, MOH seems to be a pretty docile person. I think her actions were completely justified IMO.

If I were in your shoes OP, I would seriously take some time to reconsider whether or not BM1 is someone you want to be friends with, especially when she's making such hurtful, horrible remarks to someone in your family. Is that really someone you'd want standing up with you at your wedding? That's just my 2 cents though. Also, I'm glad to hear that MOH and baby are okay, that's super scary to go through.

Peledreamsofrain

The bridesmaid is a terrible human being, and if you remain friends with her, there is questionable judgement involved.

I agree with the others about giving the MOH a pass.  If you taunt someone who is deeply terrified and helpless, facing the abyss of losing a child, you deserve every stitch you earn yourself at the ER.

daveANDkristen

I'm sorry your bparty was so awful! From your description it sounds like most of the fault belongs to BM1. I would definitely have a talk with her but the content of that discussion is up to you. Do you think this incident is bad enough to end the friendship? I would at least tell her how cruel the miscarriage comment was because I think she needs her nose rubbed in it a bit. Tell your cousin that you are deeply sorry for what BM1 said but that you are family and having her as MOH is important to you. If she says she's rather be a guest, that's her choice. I can't say I would blame her, I wouldn't want to put up with BM1 for another minute. From her behavior at your bparty alone she sounds like a real brat.

reppunzel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:2bc60283-6124-44b2-a28f-3e73d086a279">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]The bridesmaid is a terrible human being, and if you remain friends with her, there is questionable judgement involved. I agree with the others about giving the MOH a pass.  <strong>If you taunt someone who is deeply terrified and helpless, facing the abyss of losing a child,</strong> you deserve every stitch you earn yourself at the ER.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

MOH was already terrified and helpless regarding the possible loss of her child, and being jerked awake in the wee hours of the morning by an angry, physically agressive (i.e. yanking off of covers), drunk could only add to the feelings of helplessness and terror.

Personally, I would wait a few days for things to settle down and for all parties to get a bit of perspective.  Then I would have a very serious talk to BM1, in person if possible. I would make it very, very clear that her words to MOH (re: miscarriage) were inexcusable, regardless of the amount of alcohol involved and that I will not tolerate anyone speaking in that way to someone that I love, even if it's someone else that I also care about. 

I would hope for a "yeah, I've been feeling awful about that" response and an apology to the MOH.  If BM1 refused to apologize and couldn't (sober) see the problem with what she said, I would seriously consider excusing her from the wedding party (refunding for her dress).  It would be a friendship-ending move, but I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks that is acceptable behavior, nor would I want to condone it by not taking a stance.

OP, I'm so sorry that the fun weekend you anticipated turned out this way and that you are now having to deal with the situation.  Only you can choose what steps to take -- the above is just what my <em>personal</em>  choice might be.

Sassenach1743

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:b93fa26d-df35-49c4-8513-e1e5c30c6fc1">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG) : MOH was already terrified and helpless regarding the possible loss of her child, and being jerked awake in the wee hours of the morning by an angry, physically agressive (i.e. yanking off of covers), drunk could only add to the feelings of helplessness and terror. Personally, I would wait a few days for things to settle down and for all parties to get a bit of perspective.  Then I would have a very serious talk to BM1, in person if possible. I would make it very, very clear that her words to MOH (re: miscarriage) were inexcusable, regardless of the amount of alcohol involved and that I will not tolerate anyone speaking in that way to someone that I love, even if it's someone else that I also care about.  I would hope for a "yeah, I've been feeling awful about that" response and an apology to the MOH.  If BM1 refused to apologize and couldn't (sober) see the problem with what she said, I would seriously consider excusing her from the wedding party (refunding for her dress).  It would be a friendship-ending move, but I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks that is acceptable behavior, nor would I want to condone it by not taking a stance. OP, I'm so sorry that the fun weekend you anticipated turned out this way and that you are now having to deal with the situation.  Only you can choose what steps to take -- the above is just what my personal   choice might be.
Posted by reppunzel[/QUOTE]

<div>I second this.</div>

rachelm13

thank you everyone.  i will be taking a lot of your advice. i haven't reallt slept since the incident and doubt i will until i resolve it.

nextrightthing

Wow, and it sounds like you guys are in your 30s?  This sounds like 22 year old drunken stuff to me.  I agree with PP about the BM who made those comments to your cousin.  She certainly wouldn't be my friend anymore.

Incidentally, I had to end a friendship with a girl after she got physically aggressive with my BFF for no reason (I was 24).  I have a lot less drama in my life now. 

This makes me happy that I will probably only have one BM.

Sorry this happened. 

TKzilla

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:e83d291b-1c56-468e-a77e-f1d5ab1ea7fc">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]People who haven't been there don't realize that when you have a miscarriage YOUR BABY DIES.  It is a FAMILY DEATH. Your bridesmaid wished your other friend's child dead.  I can't believe you are still friends with someone who said something like that, even drunk Oh, there are lots of women who don't understand this, and feel that it's not the same as losing a "real" baby......hug you and tell you, "Oh, hon, it just wasn't meant to be,".....remind you that you can always just try again......these things happen for a reason....perhaps it was for the best....this is nature's way of getting rid of one that won't survive or has a defect...... All of which makes it even worse. Your friend is a clueless, ignorant clod at best, and an evil-hearted witch at worst.  You owe your pregnant friend a profuse apology for being subjected to this.  You should have done something about it then.  <strong>Did no one offer to take her to a hospital????</strong>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I've been wondering this myself. I get that maybe everyone but the pregnant bridesmaid was intoxicated, but surely you could've put the festivities on hold, called a cab, and taken her to the ER?

</div>

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-back-from-my-b-party-and-i-wish-i-was-kidding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62bef4a-9b31-45fc-a41e-e1da8aa017daPost:d8d86112-741a-4a6c-b984-7ac80a8669cf">Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: i just got back from my b-party and i wish i was kidding... (LONG) : If I thought I might be having a miscarriage and someone woke me up screaming and said I deserved what was happening to me because I was a whore, I might throw something at them too.  OP, BM1 sounds absolutely terrible. If it were me I'd kick her out of the WP and end the friendship. 
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>to clear the hospital question, i was told rather late in the game what was going on.  BM2 (the sane one apparently) was helping MOH and made the decision not to worry me until there was something to worry about.  yes people discussed bringing her to the hospital.  we may have been drinking and obviously excluding BM1 my friends are pretty put together normally.  </div><div>
</div><div>she phoned her doctor who said for her to just go home and rest, if the spot turned into something more to go directly to the hospital.  otherwise fly home the next day and meet him at his office.  </div><div>
</div><div>yes i am well aware that i need to end the friendship, and i am giving myself time to formulate a rational coherent outline for discussion.  but, because i read all the posts about kicking people out of the WP, i wanted to get people's opinions that are no where close to the situation.  i did what these boards were made for... get advice.  :)</div><div>
</div><div>update:  spoke to my cousin today (we work at the same company so it makes it easy) and she apologized for losing her cool.  she said she was just scared.  she's not sorry about what she said to BM1 given the circumstances, but she also said she should have not poked the bear aka dealt with a crazy drunk person, but she loves me and wants to be there on my big day no matter what.  i told her she in no way owed me an apology.  </div><div>
</div><div>OBVIOUSLY NOTHING FROM BM1... this may be easier than i thought... </div><div>
</div>

reppunzel

Re: update

Sounds like your cousin is still doing OK?  Seems like she's your MOH for a lot of good reasons! 

Again, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this sort of thing on top of all the usual wedding stress, and wish your cousin the best with her pregnancy.