Bridal Tea

rainbowrow45

I am the mother of the groom. The wedding is June 2013. I just received my future daughter in-laws invitation to her tea this Aug 2012. The invite did not mention my sons name, no RSVP date, and hats are encouraged.  I was very offended that I was not involved and all of my side of the famiy, friends, and co-workers are put off at the invitation and do not want to attend because of the early date and the formality of the invite.  I have called her mother twice to find out if there will be another shower thrown closer to the wedding date and she will not return my calls.  The only idea I have is for one of my close friens throw her a shower closer to the wedding date that is more casual. Is this wrong?

J&K10910

I think you're being a little silly about being offended at not being involved.  Also about the groom's name not being mentioned.  My H's name wasn't on my shower invites.

As far as the date, I agree that it's super early, but I assume there is a good reason for it.  Maybe that's the only time the host can do it.  Either way, it's weird.

If you want to throw a more casual shower closer to the wedding for your family and friends, that's perfectly fine.

My biggest concern is that your coworkers are invited.  That seems awfully gift grabby to me, and I don't know who had input into the guestlist, but I feel like your coworkers' info would be hard for the hosts to get without the bride's input.

rainbowrow45

My son interns at my company so everyone knows him and has seen him grow up. I have heard that the reason that the mom is throwing the shower this early is because it the dad's birthday and she is giving him a surprise birthday party and this is the reason why all of there family are gathered is becaue of the Tea. That way he is not questioning why al the family is here.

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-tea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6e74e8f-b880-47fc-a8bd-4d2f665cabcdPost:d39993d8-af41-4629-9c73-9491cdba7bdf">Bridal Tea</a>:
[QUOTE]I am the mother of the groom. The wedding is June 2013. I just received my future daughter in-laws invitation to her tea this Aug 2012. The invite did not mention my sons name, no RSVP date, and hats are encouraged.  I was very offended that I was not involved and all of my side of the famiy, friends, and co-workers are put off at the invitation and do not want to attend because of the early date and the formality of the invite.  I have called her mother twice to find out if there will be another shower thrown closer to the wedding date and she will not return my calls.  The only idea I have is for one of my close friens throw her a shower closer to the wedding date that is more casual. Is this wrong?
Posted by rainbowrow45[/QUOTE]

<div>1) It's wrong to be off-put by someone hosting a formal shower.  If someone doesn't want to go to a party that fancy they can always decline. </div><div>
</div><div>2) It's not surprising that you weren't involved; you're not hosting the shower.  If you want to host one of your own, you can always offer. </div><div>
</div><div>3) It's shiitty that the bride's mom won't call you back, but you can move forward with hosting your own with or without hearing a response from the bride's mom. </div><div>
</div><div>4) Of course the invitation didn't mention the groom's name.  I've never seen one that does. The shower is a party thrown for the bride.  </div><div>
</div><div>5) I would also be put off by the hats encouraged thing. Specifying a dress code (even when optional) is technically rude and would be off-putting to a lot of people. </div>

ootmother2

The Bridal Tea if for the BRIDE

got it?

egm900

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-tea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6e74e8f-b880-47fc-a8bd-4d2f665cabcdPost:d39993d8-af41-4629-9c73-9491cdba7bdf">Bridal Tea</a>:
[QUOTE]I am the mother of the groom. The wedding is June 2013. I just received my future daughter in-laws invitation to her tea this Aug 2012. The invite did not mention my sons name, no RSVP date, and hats are encouraged.  I was very offended that I was not involved and all of my side of the famiy, friends, and co-workers are put off at the invitation and do not want to attend because of the early date and the formality of the invite.  I have called her mother twice to find out if there will be another shower thrown closer to the wedding date and she will not return my calls.  <strong>The only idea I have is for one of my close friens throw her a shower closer to the wedding date that is more casual. Is this wrong?</strong>
Posted by rainbowrow45[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The only thing I have to add is do not foist hosting a shower on a close friend of yours.  Either you can host a shower, or you do nothing, otherwise you're going to be telling your friend how to host a party.  There is nothing wrong with a MOG hosting a shower.  </div><div>
</div>

hoffse

I think it's really strange that you're offended by this.  Other than it being early, there's nothing weird here.

A bridal tea is to honor the bride.  Grooms' names shouldn't be mentioned on the invitations, because they don't involve the groom.

Honestly the hat thing doesn't bother me.  Bridal teas in my circle are fairly formal - and while I might sort of roll my eyes that she actually had it put on the invitations, hats are not necessarily out of line, especially if this event is at an actual tearoom.

If you want to throw her a shower, you may do so.  You are not required to, and do not ask one of your friends to do so.

Finally, just a personal note: I am having a bridesmaids' brunch the morning of the wedding - this is being thrown by a friend of my mother's, and my FMIL isn't having any input in the event.  This is because she's not the hostess.  She will be invited, as well as FI's grandmother and his sister-in-law - but that's it from his side.  The brunch is going to be semi-formal and held at a traditional tearoom.  My FI's name is not going to be on the invitation.  I am also having a shower sometime at the end of January/beginning of February.  And again, my FMIL will have no input because she is not the hostess.  Nor will FI's name be on the invitations, because the party is not in his honor.  

To be honest, you sound sort of ridiculous... and if you're this offended over something that shouldn't have caused offense, that doesn't bode well for the rest of the wedding planning.  Because honestly, if you aren't paying you aren't hosting.  Which means you get 0 say.  If your FDIL would like to ask your input that's her perogative, but she is not required to do so.  My FMIL and FFIL are hosting the rehearsal - so they are having a lot of input in that aspect of the wedding.  But my parents are paying for/hosting the wedding itself, so my FIL's have no input other than their share of the guestlist.  They will get an invitation to the wedding, because they are invited as my parents' guests.  

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-tea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6e74e8f-b880-47fc-a8bd-4d2f665cabcdPost:d39993d8-af41-4629-9c73-9491cdba7bdf">Bridal Tea</a>:
[QUOTE]I am the mother of the groom. The wedding is June 2013. I just received my future daughter in-laws invitation to her tea this Aug 2012. <strong>The invite did not mention my sons name</strong>, no RSVP date, and hats are encouraged.  <strong>I was very offended that I was not involved and all of my side of the famiy, friends, and co-workers are put off at the invitation and do not want to attend because of the early date and the formality of the invite</strong>.  I have called her mother twice to find out if there will be another shower thrown closer to the wedding date and she will not return my calls.  The only idea I have is for one of my close friens throw her a shower closer to the wedding date that is more casual. Is this wrong?
Posted by rainbowrow45[/QUOTE]

These statements concern me and sound very much like my exMIL.

The bridal tea is for the bride. If her mom wants to celebrate the upcoming nuptials with thier family that is completely ok.

If the bride's family wants to host a formal event in her honor, they are more than welcome to... and you are more than welcome to decline.

I would be careful how you approach this, you can cause major rifts that last the entirity of their marriage.

But if you want to host a shower closer to the wedding date, offer but remember the bride has a right to decline.