The one faux pas I DO NOT forgive.

temerityjane

I admit that this is my pet peeve and I want to post about it, so I'm totally making it into a poll so it's relevant to everyone so I can post about what I want to post about. Just to be up front about that. Because I hate those posts where the poster very clearly wants to talk about themself and tacks a question on the end to make it seem like it's a poll. I'm totally doing that right now.

This bridal blogger, someone who is actually, you know, writing about weddings and telling people how to have them, wrote up this whole big post about how she's already married, but hiding it from her family so they can still have their big wedding. I commented, but I doubt it will be published on the site after moderation. - http://bridalbloggette.com/2010/01/clearing-the-air/

Of all the etiquette mistakes we "counsel" people about on this board, that is the one that kills me. I'll never find it acceptable. Not in any situation. Never. 

So here's the part where I make it relevant to you - what one faux pas do you refuse to accept as ok under any circumstances? Budgetary, tradition, common in the local area, etc. Cash bars? Dollar dances? Gaps?

danieliza1127

Sorry guys, but the whole 2nd wedding thing just doesn't get me up in arms like it does everyone else.  I mean, keeping it a secret, yeah that's stupid.  But getting married for a certain reason and then having a ceremony and reception later with family and friends just doesn't offend me.  There's no rule book that says "you can only do it once because that's all I got so that's all you can get too!" and that logic just doesn't make sense to me. 

My co-worker married her husband before he went to Iraq and then when he got back they had a full on traditional wedding and reception, and it didn't bother me in the least.  To each their own.  If their family and friends know and were excited and planned parties, etc. then who the hell am I to say she's doing it wrong?  So that's my take on it.  If it offends you, then decline the invitation.

As far as what actually does offend me, I don't know.  Cash bars to me are better than no alcohol at all.  Dollar dances are common in my area and don't offend me.  Okay, tiered receptions, yes that is bad and is offensive.

tidetravel

Oooh.  Does that mean that I can expect an email too, TJ?

mmdpm

I feel terrible now because we're having a gap.  I know there are going to be cocktails and apps for all to partake in and they are common here in STL, but arrgh, we still have a gap.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-faux-pas-not-forgive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e73be15a-8903-4b7f-99e1-c1d25963499bPost:fe135a3a-f618-4058-bdd9-7ebe7f8c69a2">Re: The one faux pas I DO NOT forgive.</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel terrible now because we're having a gap.  I know there are going to be cocktails and apps for all to partake in and they are common here in STL, but arrgh, we still have a gap.
Posted by mmdpm[/QUOTE]

A gap isn't the same as a cocktail hour.  If you're providing drinks and appetizers, you're good.  The gap she's talking about is the dreaded 3 to 4 hours with nothing for the guests to do.

Brie2010

If there's a cocktail hour, or some kind of hosted thing in the middle, I don't mind, so long as it's not hours and hours long.

What's common around here is a 1 or 2 p.m. ceremony, with a 6 p.m. reception that's 30-45 minutes away from the church.  It's so awkward, because there's not really enough time to go home and do anything meaningful, but there's SO MUCH TIME that you can't just, like, go get a Coke and hang out in your car. 

I have spent far too many hours of my life wandering around a random strip mall nearby in heels and a dress looking at my watch.  Or sitting in my car.

tidetravel

OK, so my comment gets deleted by the mods because I told her that lying to people was one thing, but lying to them and expecting them to fly out to Jamaica to witness their "wedding" wasn't cool.  WTF?

mmdpm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-faux-pas-not-forgive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e73be15a-8903-4b7f-99e1-c1d25963499bPost:4e6044d2-611e-4d56-86f1-42764fbb5b7c">Re: The one faux pas I DO NOT forgive.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The one faux pas I DO NOT forgive. : A gap isn't the same as a cocktail hour.  If you're providing drinks and appetizers, you're good.  The gap she's talking about is the dreaded 3 to 4 hours with nothing for the guests to do.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Thanks for making me feel better.  I too hate the 3-4 hours of nothing to do, so that's why we decided to feed and liquor people up before the reception!  I hate sitting around or getting food myself while the bridal party is out playing photo shoot.

ohwhynot

MMDPM, if you're having a hosted cocktail hour during the gap, it's not really a gap, imo. 

Brie2010

I will also add that we're having a cocktail hour with passed apps where we'll be out taking pictures.  But guests will be fed, boozed, chatting with one another, and will have various DIY projects to ogle until we get there.

LesPaul

TIde - I think there are IT issues (again) on TK today.  I have a post in a different thread that sometimes includes the edit I added, and sometimes it doesn't.  I'm seeing threads that have at least 25 posts, but show up as having 3 on the main E page.  Will someone PLEASE fix the IT issues?  PLEASE?

mmdpm

Ohh, ogling DIY, I should get on that and make some too!

laurening

A lot of things that seem to pass for being okay these days really annoy me. I'll spare you the list, but one thing that I still grumble about years later is a wedding I attended where I was seated in the "second room"/overflow room at the reception and I couldn't really see or hear anything happening in the main room. Talk about feeling like a second tier guest! Most of the guests in this room were pretty offended and annoyed as well.

tidetravel

Les - the comment was on her blog, not TK.  Which meant that she deleted it because she didn't like what I had to say.

But the IT issues suck monkey nuts.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-faux-pas-not-forgive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e73be15a-8903-4b7f-99e1-c1d25963499bPost:ce31bb31-91b4-4fc4-a737-66eca6d1e226">Re: The one faux pas I DO NOT forgive.</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot of things that seem to pass for being okay these days really annoy me. I'll spare you the list, but one thing that I still grumble about years later is a wedding I attended where I was seated in the "second room"/overflow room at the reception and I couldn't really see or hear anything happening in the main room. Talk about feeling like a second tier guest! Most of the guests in this room was pretty offended and annoyed as well.
Posted by laurening[/QUOTE]

Oooh yeah, I would be offended by that too!  And probably leave after dinner.

SarahPLiz

But isn't the wedding the rite of becoming married and having a marriage? Your marriage does not start without a wedding. DOH!

I understand that in other cultures (FI's being one of them) and in Europe, that a civil ceremony is entirely different from a church ceremony, as the separation between church and state on the issue of marriage is pretty well lined out. However, in America, we haven't gotten that separation down yet, so they equal each other.
I don't have a problem with a civil ceremony the day or even the week before a church ceremony, but I have a problem with people LYING about it. And if you have a civil ceremony, and then ANOTHER civil ceremony with a party, then you are overdoing it! and that's just bad.

My biggest pet peeve that is unforgivable is ugly BM dresses. I will judge and judge and judge if you make your best friends and closest family members wear a godawful color or cut, just because it matches your decor.

bbyckes

I think a bad style of BM dress is way worse than color.  Color is subjective - but a bad style/cut that doesn't flatter all body types is unforgiveable.

sucrets4

Brie - you know I'm right beside you with the whole gap thing.  I despise them, even though I'm from a super Catholic area and they're normal.  I don't think that they're unforgivable (so I'm not even answering the poll, sorry TJ), but they piss me off to no end and I agree that them come off as AWish and selfish.

temerityjane

I just called nasty and bitter. If I could just bring myself to be okay with the lying, maybe I wouldn't be such a nasty bitter old hag.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Wait, she's planning a destination wedding for October? If she wanted a short engagement for all the reasons she listed (basically, military benefits) then how hard is it to invite family to Jamaica with 2 months notice?

temerityjane

Hey you guys, she wants to let you all in on MY crazy:

http://confessionsofajerseygirl.com/?p=688

ocgirl310

Cash bars don't really bother me. My fi and I had both been in the restaurant industry for years before we got engaged and are real foodies so of course we are going to have a really nice open bar. But for a lot of my family, alcohal is not that important to them so they did decided to have cash bars. Its understandable since it is very expensive. I feel that if I am going to a wedding it is because I love the couple and they find me special enough to invite me, so if they buy me shots or not seems sorta trivial. Definitely not 'unforgiveable'.
I think the things that would be unforgiveable in my book, would be how the bride and groom treat people. The "bridezilla" thing comes to mind. When all they care about is themselves. But I guess that means they are just a selfish person every day, not just when they are getting married, and those kinds of people I wouldn't care to know:)

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

You have a lot of hate in your heart TJ and CLEARLY don't understand her situation. (Per the comments.)

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-faux-pas-not-forgive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e73be15a-8903-4b7f-99e1-c1d25963499bPost:4cb3aa14-107e-4c54-96eb-bacd20ad626e">Re: The one faux pas I DO NOT forgive.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey you guys, she wants to let you all in on MY crazy: <a href="http://confessionsofajerseygirl.com/?p=688" rel="nofollow">http://confessionsofajerseygirl.com/?p=688</a>
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

Holy.Shiit.  What a nutcase.  My best friend and MOH is a military wife and they planned a small wedding in 3 months just before he deployed in 2005.  It was simple and sweet, no big reception, but they're married and that was the wedding they chose.

laurenclaire1386

She took your comments down from the blog page. DDing whore. Of course I'm biased because I like all the regular posters here, but every time I see someone spouting off wedding advice on the internet, I always want to refer them here and be like, "No, these are the people you should be getting advice from."

hoshiku

It drives me crazy when people don't act politely.  My family is probably a bit extreme, good manners were stressed.  I never realized how important it was to me until I met most of my future in-laws.  They make my skin crawl for the most part, they are constantly doing things I find rude, which is not great I suppose. 

Kati0105

I couldn't stop myself from posting.  What an entitled brat.

ohwhynot

Well, TJ, I guess I don't think that any military bride who wants a "do-over" because of deployment is necessarily bad.  Keeping it secret is bad, but as I indicated earlier, military wives and a few very select other situations get a pass from me on the usual rule against a courthouse wedding and then a big reception, complete with photos, toasts, and a fluffy dress if they want one. 

So I don't think that anyone who does this reflects badly on ALL military wives.  I think that went a little over the top.  I am with you if they lie about it, though. 

Kati0105

Well, TJ, I guess I don't think that any military bride who wants a "do-over" because of deployment is necessarily bad.  Keeping it secret is bad, but as I indicated earlier, military wives and a few very select other situations get a pass on the usual rule against a courthouse wedding and then a big reception, complete with photos, toasts, and a fluffy dress if they want one.

Like what other situations?  My FI was out of work and without health insurance for all of 2009 and it would have been extremely convenient for us to march ourselves down to the courthouse and not tell anyone.  Or even to do so and tell people, as I doubt our families and friends would have cared.  But I would not have been able to stomach walking down the aisle in March in a white poufy dress in front of 100+ people and having my family spend thousands of dollars for a "wedding" when I would know in my heart the whole thing was essentially a sham.

ohwhynot

About the only other circumstances I could see giving a "pass" on would be, maybe, a hospital-bed wedding.  But again, NOT LYING is key.  As long as everything is above board, people can either choose to think it's stupid and not attend or think it's one of the few exceptions and come celebrate with you.

But I do think that a military deployment is good cause for an "emergency wedding" and I personally wouldn't give the side-eye (I just learned that phrase on here) to anyone who let me know that they'd gotten emergency-married but want a big reception to celebrate with their friends & family. 

Celles

I thought about having two weddings: a quiet courthouse wedding that my birth mother could witness (which would let FI and I start his immigration papers), followed by a more traditional ceremony and reception for my family and friends.  Since my adopted parents don't know my birth mother and aren't aware that I have a relationship with her -- and have specifically asked to be kept out of that particular loop -- it seemed like a "safe" compromise.  In the end, though, I can't stand the idea of starting a new phase of my life by perpetuating a lie. 

TJ - I'm a long-time reader and infrequent commenter on your blog, which I found via WoW circles long before I got engaged and found myself on TK.  (I'm @Elleiras, if you remember me. )  After the bombshell you dropped on us today, I can understand why this Rachel girl gets you so steamed!  But, personally, I take a "live and let live" attitude towards these things.  I can laugh at some people's choices, but I can't find anything "unforgivable," especially when it has no direct effect on me.