What do I say to this friend?

hoffse

I have a friend.  For privacy's sake we'll call her Charlotte.  One of Charlotte's brothers (Bill) is getting married.  The bride is crazy.  Let's call her Julie.  So far Julie has done the following:

-Required each BM (and Charlotte is one of them) to purchase a $300 dress + shoes

-Told they them will be taking her to Vegas for her bachelorette party or else

-Planned her own shower for early March when her wedding is the end of July

and then the following things that have been directed at Bill & Charlotte's family specifically:

-Scheduled the shower for the one and only date everybody on Bill's side said they couldn't attend because their grandma was having an 80th birthday

-Demanded twice as much money as Bill/Charlotte's family offered for the reherasal dinner

-Demanded $15,000 (no, that's not a typo) for their honeymoon... and by demanded I mean she wrote an email addressed to her future inlaws

-When the family (obviously) declined she told them she hated them and Bill was no longer allowed to speak with them

-Sent them an invoice for a $600 shower cake so that they could "participate" in her shower even though they couldn't attend

-Gave Bill's side 30 invitations, while her side has more than 300

I work with Charlotte, and she's become a good friend.  This is real - she showed me the emails.  She keeps saying, "do my parents have to X?" and I keep telling her no.  Charlotte is now so fed up she wants to just not even attend.  She's been talking to me about it a lot, and I'm suggesting she drop out of the wedding but attend as a guest.  I'm so blown away by the crazy entitlement of Julie, though, that I'm kind of flummoxed.  Bill is backing Julie up, and it's caused a huge rift in Charlotte's family.  I am normally drama-free, but I want to help Charlotte help her family navigate this without starting WWIII.  I'm pretty sure these are all the deatils I have at the moment - but if anything else develops I will let you know.

 WWED?

OwningAHome1981

I know she is your friend but i think you should stay out of it and let her deal with it. Not worth making someone else's problems your own.

Jessa617

Wow... She should tell her brother to reconsider the marriage.  Based on the way the bride is acting, will Charlotte be allowed as a guest at the wedding? $300 is a lot (to me anyways) to spend on anything as a bridesmaid.

If it were me, I'd drop out of the wedding. I would also have a conversation with my brother to let him know that everything she is doing is NOT cool. No woman has any right to forbid their partner from seeing his family. Charlotte's family needs to keep their feet planted and not let any of bridezilla's antics make them back down.

misshart00

I have nothing to add but oh my goodness. People actually act like this? I agree with kristan. Tell the bride she can't afford xyz. Then if she kicks her out, oh well.

button6004

Jessalyn, telling her brother to reconsider the marriage will only cause Bill to push back and will not end well.

OP, I would say that Charlotte has perfect reason to back out and attend as a guest.  I might even tell Julie that I am uncomfortable with the expectations placed on me as a bridesmaid and unable to contribute in the way expected.

Going further, I think Charlotte's parents certainly need to have a talk with the couple about their unreasonable requests.  If Julie wants a bigger RD, she and Bill need to pay for it.  The parents need to explain what their bottom line contribution for the RD is, and Bill and Julie can take it or leave.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:f96fef97-45be-43e6-ab84-189e0a2eb0ef">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow... She should tell her brother to reconsider the marriage.  Based on the way the bride is acting, will Charlotte be allowed as a guest at the wedding? $300 is a lot (to me anyways) to spend on anything as a bridesmaid. If it were me, I'd drop out of the wedding. I would also have a conversation with my brother to let him know that everything she is doing is NOT cool. No woman has any right to forbid their partner from seeing his family. Charlotte's family needs to keep their feet planted and not let any of bridezilla's antics make them back down.
Posted by Jessalyn2013[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is their inclination.  The fear is that they are worried Julie may block them from seeing future grandkids, etc. if they don't get this settled.  Though I think the longer this continues the more they may be willing to risk this.</div><div>
</div><div>And yes, I'd like to stay out of it.  But when she comes to my office, shuts my door, and just starts to cry I have to come up with something...  I'm seriously not asking her for updates.  I'm just the only person she knows who is getting married right now other than this brother, and that's why she's started coming to me.</div><div>
</div><div>This is really the worst behavior I've heard of, and I've been on the TK for more than 2 years.</div>

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:871b461a-beac-476b-bda5-c12dd70b0cc3">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would tell your friend to have a one-on-one chat with her brother.  She doesn't have to attack the FSIL but she should voice her concerns about Charlotte's total disregard for their entire family's budgets and time. 
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

The friend is Charlotte, the bride is Julie.  But otherwise, I second this advice.  If her concerns go right over Bill, Charlotte needs to step back from being a bridesmaid.

hoffse

Thanks, ladies for the quick responses - I feel more confident about what I've been telling her.  This is all so crazy to me that I wasn't sure I was giving her solid advice.

daria24

This bride isn't going to have a personality switch after the wedding. She'll do the same every time she is pregnant, she will ransom the kids to get what she wants, etc. I think she should drop out of the wedding because she can't afford to be a BM and attend as a guest. Her parents need to have a serious discussion with their son and let him know they will not be treated that way, this is the money they are offering, and that is what they have to work with. And it may mean they don't have a relationship with Bill + Julie anymore. But seriously, if this is the price of having a relationship with this couple, why pay it? They don't deserve it.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:6d8464c4-4442-4f6c-b3b2-78d290bc5998">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]This bride isn't going to have a personality switch after the wedding. She'll do the same every time she is pregnant, she will ransom the kids to get what she wants, etc. I think she should drop out of the wedding because she can't afford to be a BM and attend as a guest. Her parents need to have a serious discussion with their son and let him know they will not be treated that way, this is the money they are offering, and that is what they have to work with. And it may mean they don't have a relationship with Bill + Julie anymore. But seriously, if this is the price of having a relationship with this couple, why pay it? They don't deserve it.
Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you!  That articulates what I've been thinking perfectly.  But you said it way better than I've been able to!</div>

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:871b461a-beac-476b-bda5-c12dd70b0cc3">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would tell your friend to have a one-on-one chat with her brother.  She doesn't have to attack the FSIL but she should voice her concerns about Charlotte's total disregard for their entire family's budgets and time. 
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

Sparky beat me to it

Jessa617

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:958046c6-373c-45d6-bfef-a667e62f16f8">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Jessalyn, telling her brother to reconsider the marriage will only cause Bill to push back and will not end well. OP, I would say that Charlotte has perfect reason to back out and attend as a guest.  I might even tell Julie that I am uncomfortable with the expectations placed on me as a bridesmaid and unable to contribute in the way expected. Going further, I think Charlotte's parents certainly need to have a talk with the couple about their unreasonable requests.  If Julie wants a bigger RD, she and Bill need to pay for it.  The parents need to explain what their bottom line contribution for the RD is, and Bill and Julie can take it or leave.
Posted by button6004[/QUOTE]

Obviously the brother is a grown man and can make his own decisions, hopefully this will open his eyes about the woman he chose to marry. Actually, based on the way this bride has been acting I wouldn't be surprised if she forced a proposal. 

gmcr78

I don't have anything more to add than the other PPs but I just had to say WOW.  It never ceases to amaze me how entitled people feel they are. 

AddieCake

I have nothing to add, either,but I'm just speechless. 

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:ce0e896d-44b4-4181-ac82-d0a99c126605">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I don't think she needs to speak for everyone, but talking with brother and explaining that Julie is out of hand and how that makes her personally feel is not over the line at all.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

The problem is though that if her brother has been backing up Julie all this time, any sort of conversation like that, no matter how civil, might feel like an attack on his FI.

So phrasing will be key..

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:a67c4850-8577-4f77-9748-bb5cabfe7706">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do I say to this friend? : The problem is though that if her brother has been backing up Julie all this time, any sort of conversation like that, no matter how civil, might feel like an attack on his FI. <font color="#000080"><u><em><strong>So phrasing will be key..</strong></em></u></font>
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

Yes. This. It has to be about HER, and how Julie's ACTIONS are making HER feel. But hoffse, you're a lawyer, right? I'm sure you can help her craft a well-pointed message.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:73bb1c2e-b7ae-42b4-ac34-4ee262d8868c">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do I say to this friend? : Yes. This. It has to be about HER, and how Julie's ACTIONS are making HER feel. But hoffse, you're a lawyer, right? I'm sure you can help her craft a well-pointed message.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes I'm a lawyer though I'm not very good with conflict... I do transactional work for a reason lol.  But I think you're right that phrasing will be key.  I'll talk to her about it.</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks!</div>

lyndausvi

My SIL tired to pull that crap with my family.   My parents spoke to my brother and basically said, cut the crap.   My parents are pretty generous people, but they do it on their terms.  Their terms are more like "we would like to host the RD".   Meaning they are the hosts, get to choose the place and how much THEY want to spend.   Demands will not work, they will not be bullied.  

They did not make this all about FSIL. Only blaming her is a mistake.   As a social unit my parents felt these demands come from both of them. Basically they had no problem calling him out on his behavior.  They were like "we didn't raise you to make financial demands, then basically blackmail people when you don't get what you want.  Now that type of behavior might work with her family but they DO NOT work on us.   You have a choice, graciously accept what was OFFERED or you are not getting anything. " 

In the end my brother came to his senses (well sort-of, he still married her).  But there were no more demands made and they accepted what was offered without complaining (at least publicly).


As far as C, I would suggest dropping out because of finances.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-do-i-say-to-this-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e784cab9-14c8-422f-a459-18a8d7770ea7Post:fb2aec7b-543b-4d97-9d5f-be2bb6746c6d">Re: What do I say to this friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to What do I say to this friend? : I'd have to go to confession if I said what I'd want  to do .... If I were Charlotte, I would find time to take the FSIL out for coffee (or wine).  Assuming these are true statments, I'd say "Julie, I am glad you are joining our family.  I'm honored that you asked me to stand by your side.  I honestly can't afford the $300 dress + shoes and the bachelorette party in Vegas.  I want to support you & Bill.  << insert alternative here for dress / shoes and bachelorette party />>." I think she can only speak to what SHE feels.  The family needs to either pony up or realize they're going to be walked on for the rest of the marriage.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this, Charlotte needs to sit down with Julie and tell her that she is honored to be a BM but that she can't afford everything that she is asking of her & can offer to step down as a BM if its going to be an issue and she'll understand. In regards to the rest of the family, they need to stand up to her too and tell her that they would love to do everything she is asking of them that they can only afford to provide xx amount towards the wedding expense. </div><div>
</div><div>If Bill stands by Julie and stops talking to his family because they don't fork over the amount of money Julie wants, then they will just have to deal with it and it will be Bill & Julie's loss. No one has a right to demand anyone pay a certain amount of money for anything towards their wedding expenses or demand that they do certain things like a vegas party. When you decide to get married, you should plan to pay for everything 100% yourself and if people offer money towards expense, then its bonus. </div>

MonBonPSU

I'm wondering if she'll even be allowed to attend as a guest if she passes on being a BM.

banana468

I think the combo Lynda and talking to the brother approach works.

It sounds like the parents are really afraid that what they decide to do is going to hurt their relationship with their son and future grandchildren.   Instead, as parents I'd opt for a bit of the 'tough love' as Lynda's used.   Then again, I think Lynda and I related so our parents are probably cousins with similar no BS tendencies.

What an ugly situation.