do I need to mention deceased family members?

annie912

I really hope this question doesn't make me sound like an insensitive biotch, but do I need to add a part to the ceremony to mention deceased family members? Here's a little bit of background if it makes any difference -

Second marriage for both, I'm in my early (soon to be mid...) thirties, he's mid forties. His father is deceased, and his mother won't be attending. She's in good health, just crazy. She's invited, but thinks he should get back together with his ex-wife, so let's just say she and I are not exactly each other's favorite people. So, if I mention his father, it seems kind of weird since his mother isn't there anyway. My oldest brother committed suicide a year and a half ago. His wife and two daughters (9 and 11) will be at the wedding and this will be the first big "family" gathering they've been at since his funeral. Family is spread out all over the country, so we don't see each other much. My concern is that mentioning it is going to be more upsetting than touching to my sister in law and nieces. Then, of course, we could do the grandparents, but after a certain age, it's kind of assumed that your grandparents are no longer around.

I don't want to make it sound like "it's my day" and I don't want anything upsetting, I just think the thing with his father would be weird and the thing with my brother would be very painful for my family. Do I need to add this stuff or can I just skip it? I'm so used to seeing it as a part of weddings, but never really kept track of which weddings had it and which (if any) didn't. I do think that done right, it can be beautiful, but in my case I don't really see a good way to do it.

Thoughts?

egm900

I wouldn't do it, especially considering the situation with your SIL and nieces.  If you're having a program, you could put a generic line in there mentioning those unable to be here with us today (I always think of the deceased relatives when I read that) or if you can think of a nice sentence that refers to the deceased relatives (I can't).  

We're using the "those unable to be here with us today" line in the programs, at this point only 1/8 grandparents is alive, and the other 7 passed away quite some time ago, so we feel like that is adequate to recognize them.  However, I'm not a very sentimental person.  There are a few other touches we're doing, like the music before the service is songs I associate with the grandparents, but no one is going to know that besides me and FI.

tpender13

We didn't do programs, so there was no mentioning people there. We also didn't do any kind of a memorial table with pictures or anything like that, either. I think you're fine to not mention any of them.

annie912

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-need-to-mention-deceased-family-members?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e7df3dee-8913-4885-8f88-deb0abdf56b5Post:a28136ba-da0b-4d50-a34e-a9d97f5575c3">Re: do I need to mention deceased family members?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't do it, especially considering the situation with your SIL and nieces.  If you're having a program, you could put a generic line in there mentioning those unable to be here with us today (I always think of the deceased relatives when I read that) or if you can think of a nice sentence that refers to the deceased relatives (I can't).   We're using the "those unable to be here with us today" line in the programs, at this point only 1/8 grandparents is alive, and the other 7 passed away quite some time ago, so we feel like that is adequate to recognize them.  However, I'm not a very sentimental person.  There are a few other touches we're doing, like the music before the service is songs I associate with the grandparents, but no one is going to know that besides me and FI.
Posted by egm900[/QUOTE]

I like the more private type of remembrance you suggested. We're still on the fence about doing programs, but I am going to be wearing a necklace with a black pearl on it that my brother had given to me when I was in college and was planning that all along. My family knows where it came from, but no one else does. I'll have to ask FI if he wants to do something similiar for his father like the music idea. Thank you. Neither of us are really sentimental types either. I don't want to seem heartless for not doing something but also don't want to make a big deal of something that's just going to upset someone.

MyUserName1

It has never once occured to me when attending a wedding "Gee, the bride is such a biiitch for not mentioning her deceased grandparents"  I'm ITA with Lucy.  (as usual.)

OliveOilsMom

If you are moving towards the private type rememberances, then your FI could have a picture of his father in his coat pocket. 

For our wedding, we had a prayer of the faithful (Catholic mass) that specifically mentioned our loved ones not here today, specifically FIL.  We also put in the program about loved ones who are not here in person but in spirit with us on this day, then listed FIL and all grandparents.  We also had a special arrangement of roses to represent FIL and all grandparents.  The only people who knew what the roses meant were the florist (a cousin), our parents, and us.  So it was private, but a public display.

a8r9o

In my program I have a small line or two at the top that says:

In memory of those family members who could not be here with us today, a candle burns in memory of them. We remember you today, and miss you dearly.

In loving memory of:

Dwayne Evenson, Kerrie Long, James Halpin, Donald and Florence Ossler, Lane Long

We are not going to be making a big deal about it, either. If people want to know, they can read the program!

If you aren't having a program, you could also do a candle with a little picture frame that says the names of the people you want to remember.

MrsKathyC

We didn't have programs.  This was said during our ceremony. My H's father, stepfather and 1 brother are deceased.

As Kathy and Dan honor each other in marriage today, they would also like to honor those family members and friends who, though not with them, are here in spirit and are missed and loved.

*sorry that's so big...