Wedding Etiquette Forum

Would they show up uninvited?

So, I told my mom that due to our strict wedding budget, I would not be inviting anyone from her side of the family other than her, her husband, and my three half-siblings. I have not seen anyone from her side of the family in over 10 years. None of them have ever met my FI (we've been together for 7 years). I don't feel like I need to invite people I don't regularly associate with, especially when I can't afford it. My mom got very upset and said I can't just not invite family, and started telling me a story about this family-friend of hers that makes quilts and how he was so excited to make a personalized quilt for our wedding and will be so hurt that he's not invited...etc. I have never met this man and could care less about his quilts. Obviously, I'm not inviting him or anyone else - but I'm worried that they will show up since my mom knows the time and place of the wedding and probably has already shared some details with people who aren't invited. What is the appropriate thing to do if someone who isn't invited shows up???
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Would they show up uninvited?

  • If you are paying for the wedding, you should get last say on the guest list. However, if your mom is paying, you kind of have to invite the people she wants to invite.
  • If you're really concerned, have a guest list at the door and a "bouncer".
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • Ditto pp.

    But while it is extremely rude and tacky, I am sure there have been people who have shown up at weddings uninvited. If you have any sort of security there, you could always inform them of the situation so they can take the necessary steps if needed.
  • I guess I didn't really answer your question, huh? 

    Ditto PPs :]
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-show-up-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e84e8eca-f8cc-44de-985a-4effa5a24724Post:3c90d304-2e7d-416e-ae6c-0a16a1ff62e8">Re: Would they show up uninvited?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you are paying for the wedding, you should get last say on the guest list. However, if your mom is paying, you kind of have to invite the people she wants to invite.
    Posted by aleighk1[/QUOTE]

    We're paying for the wedding. She has offered to pay for her additional guests, but I have declined her offer.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-show-up-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e84e8eca-f8cc-44de-985a-4effa5a24724Post:b6e0339a-b30a-44d9-8124-0cac4ca2f58b">Re: Would they show up uninvited?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto PPs. Your venue's event coordinator can "help" guests find their escort cards.  If there is no card for them, the overall guest list is consulted.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  Have assigned seating, and make sure there isn't a spot for these people.  Notify your venue staff of the potential situation, and have a maitre d or something to help them.  </div>
  • I agree with PPs. You are paying so you get final say on the guest list.
    Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App
  • You know, I'm a 3 time MOB and I am always shocked at these parents who think they have to invite the whole world to their child's wedding!  Stick to your guns.  If you waver at all, you will lose the battle.

    Did you ask your mom when was the last time any of these relatives invited you over for dinner?  Sent you a Christmas card?  Would know you if they passed you on the street?  You invite your guests based on your relationship with them, not shared DNA.

    Good luck with this - sounds like you are doing a great job.

  • I think most people know if they don't get an invitation then they aren't invited. Do you think your mom would go behind your back and invite people that you clearly don't want there? If that's the case, maybe you could somehow drop the hint to your mother that if uninvited guests show up then they will be escorted out. She won't want her friends/relatives to be embarassed so maybe that will be enough to stop her from invited unwanted extras. Good luck! I, too, am always amazed at how many people others tell you "have" to be invited. I always wonder why someone I haven't seen in years would even care to see me get married???
  • I know it is your wedding, but would it be terrible to allow your mom a set number of guests that she can invite (and pay for, as she has offered)?  Its a big deal for a mom to see her daughter married and she probably wants to share that excitement with some of her family and close friends.  
  • Your venue coordinator can keep an eye out for those who don't have an escort card or a place to sit... and have him/her either come up to you directly or your MOH or FI and ask if you know who the unknown guest is... That would totally be awkward/rude if someone showed up uninvited!
    image
  • I don't know why some people think that wedding = family reunion.  I'm not inviting any of my cousins because we just aren't that close.  I see them at most once a year, some I haven't seen in several years.  As much as I'd love to have them there because they are 'family', I'd much rather have friends who I actually know then people who just happen to share similar DNA.

    Stick to your guns and tell your mom that you're sorry, but you will not be inviting any other guests.  I'd ditto the letting her know that you will have venue staff monitoring the guest list and you wouldn't want any of her family to be embarrassed by having to be escorted out.  Hopefully this will keep her from inviting people behind your back.
    Anniversary
  • I agree with LeahB somewhat. You can invite whoever you want, especially since you are paying, but I really hope you didn't just go to your mom and say, "I'm not inviting any of your family members because I don't want to pay for people who I don't talk to, and you're not allowed to have any say in who is coming". I'm not saying you said this, but from your OP, this is the feeling I'm getting and honestly, that's a little harsh and I can understand her reaction a little. Obviously I don't know your mom, but unless she said something about inviting them anyways (you didn't really give that impression, sounded like she just wanted them there), not sure why you think she would do that to you. Are you and your mom close?

    Ultimately- your decision since you are paying. I don't know you or your specific circumstances, but I do know that I have the same situation as you as far as I am not inviting any of my mother's side of the family. However, I talked with my mom about it and I am at least inviting one of her close friends that I know (and even if I didn't know that person, I would have allowed her at least one or two people that she was close with considering that I am excluding her entire side of the family- not for "budget" reasons) It may be very hurtful to your mother to be at her daughter's wedding and not have much of her own family to celebrate with. 
    Planning Bio

    Our wedding date is November 12, 2011

    110 invited 86 accepted! 20 can't make it 4 haven't responded yet
    RSVP Date October 12th, 2011

  • i think the likelihood of uninvited people to show up is slim but you can have a "bouncer" maning the door. my friend had a bouncer for after dinner. he invited some people just for drinks after dinner but didn't want any random crashers so the venue provided someone that would only let people in that were on the guest list.
  • I'm in a similar situation with my mother but my parents are paying for my wedding so it's a bit more complicated for me. My mother wants to invite all of HER extended family (I'm barely related to them and barely know them) to our wedding and me cut out my friends in order to make room for her family. I agree that a wedding is NOT a family reunion and that the bride and groom should have the majority of the say in the guest list. And in your situation since you are paying for all of it I think it's TOTALLY your right not to invite all your mother's people. I'd say that you have to just put your foot down with her and not budge. And I definitely agree about having a "bouncer" and making sure there isn't any way they can just wander in 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-show-up-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e84e8eca-f8cc-44de-985a-4effa5a24724Post:fa410bad-6e86-4b28-ac63-c28e7ef1eda9">Re: Would they show up uninvited?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with LeahB somewhat. You can invite whoever you want, especially since you are paying, but I really hope you didn't just go to your mom and say, "I'm not inviting any of your family members because I don't want to pay for people who I don't talk to, and you're not allowed to have any say in who is coming". I'm not saying you said this, but from your OP, this is the feeling I'm getting and honestly, that's a little harsh and I can understand her reaction a little. Obviously I don't know your mom, but unless she said something about inviting them anyways (you didn't really give that impression, sounded like she just wanted them there), not sure why you think she would do that to you. Are you and your mom close? Ultimately- your decision since you are paying. I don't know you or your specific circumstances, but I do know that I have the same situation as you as far as I am not inviting any of my mother's side of the family. However, I talked with my mom about it and I am at least inviting one of her close friends that I know (and even if I didn't know that person, I would have allowed her at least one or two people that she was close with considering that I am excluding her entire side of the family- not for "budget" reasons) It may be very hurtful to your mother to be at her daughter's wedding and not have much of her own family to celebrate with. 
    Posted by sklink0486[/QUOTE]

    I am not close with my mom at all. We have a very troubling personal history and I have been hurt by her many times. I considered letting her invite her family if she wanted to pay for them, but she's very unreliable with money and I'm afraid I would invite all of these people and then be left to foot the bill. Our last conversation was in January when I told her I would unfortunately not be inviting her family because of the budget. Her response was "you can't just not invite family, I will pay for them to come, I'll check with my husband about finances and call you <em>right </em>back." That was 3 months ago, I haven't heard from her since and am just hoping she isn't assuming that her family and friends are coming!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Ok, well I understand why you are not including them then and I say invite who you want to share that day with you! 
    Planning Bio

    Our wedding date is November 12, 2011

    110 invited 86 accepted! 20 can't make it 4 haven't responded yet
    RSVP Date October 12th, 2011

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards