The Battle of the Conflicting Etiquettes...

amyderrah

Okay, I don't know what takes precedence - My father is paying for our wedding and we are, of course, very grateful.  He is, however, forcing us to commit some etiquette foopas.  He wants no alcohol at the "Social hour" between ceremony and dinner/reception.  Only wine, poured by servers, during dinner.  Then at 6:30 a cash bar will open for the dancing part of the reception.  I'm trying not to die inside every time I think about it!

A little background, it's a Sunday afternoon ceremony and dinner at 5pm.  He doesn't want alcohol at the first part because a few of our close relatives are religious to the point where they would feel uncomfortable and want to leave (maybe about 4 or 5 people from my side of the family).  My FI side of the family are party animals and will be looking for a good time, and I want them to enjoy them selves!  Cash bars are the norm where I'm from and that will be expected, but not the late open after dinner.

Two things I want to try and fight for - a beer option (all paid) before dinner, and at least a free drink "Ticket" that guest can trade in for a drink at the bar when it opens (this was done at another wedding I attended and it went over well). 

My question is should I let it go because I'm not paying for it?  I offered to pay for the beer before dinner.  Would guests judge me and my FI based on my father's disregard for etiquette?

bethsmiles

You can talk to your father about your concerns but ultimately if he is the money paying he gets to do what he wants.

bridezillatobe2009

I disagree with the "if he's paying" speil...If having a bar opened before diner then pay for it yourself. My parents and I have a super close relationship and I would be comfortable saying the same to them. Obviously if this isn't the relationship you have with your dad this option might not work.

Good luck.

hellerc1

If you don't like what your father wants you can always save and pay for your own wedding.

lyndausvi

Breaking etiquette or not if your father doesn't want to pay for that service.  Which is fine, he has the right to use HIS money how he sees fit. 

Now, if you think the bar portion (or any part) of the reception is not being handled to your liking then pony up some dough to make it to your liking.  

This really does not have to be a battle. You are all adults and should be able to figure something out that works for both of you.

fwiw - I'm not a fan of your bar.

mkrupar

If you want the open bar or beer option for the cocktail hour then you pay for it. Your father doesn't have to and obviously he's told you what his money will be spent on.

Sorry if your FI's family are party animals, but for once maybe they'll have to get over not having drinks with cocktail hour and only wine with dinner.

I do not agree with the cash bar, nor a "drink ticket". Pay for the open bar yourselves.

MattsPenguin

*faux pas

FYI.

mandapanda78

Am I the only one cracking up at "foopas"? That might be my new favorite word.

georgia_bride09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_battle-of-conflicting-etiquettes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8a01826-a305-45ee-ba16-9cdaff221565Post:d916237b-0d73-483c-9539-c382f9ac089d">Re: The Battle of the Conflicting Etiquettes...</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one cracking up at "foopas"? That might be my new favorite word.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

You read my mind! I couldn't read anything past that!

FutureMrsTR

No, Manda, that was my first reaction too!

missy68

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_battle-of-conflicting-etiquettes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8a01826-a305-45ee-ba16-9cdaff221565Post:d916237b-0d73-483c-9539-c382f9ac089d">Re: The Battle of the Conflicting Etiquettes...</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one cracking up at "foopas"? That might be my new favorite word.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

Nope. I wanted to know what one was.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_battle-of-conflicting-etiquettes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8a01826-a305-45ee-ba16-9cdaff221565Post:d916237b-0d73-483c-9539-c382f9ac089d">Re: The Battle of the Conflicting Etiquettes...</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one cracking up at "foopas"? That might be my new favorite word.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

<div>It makes me think of the Foofa character from Yo Gabba Gabba.  (I've been shopping for a toddler's birthday, so I've been looking at the stuff all week.)</div>

firsttimersluck

hahah no i definitely had the head tilt and giggle at the foopas.

I think the ticket idea is a cool idea, and if you present it too him in a really excited fashion "omg dad I just remember last summer i went to this wedding with a cash bar and it was so cool that they... "
if he doesn't want to pay for it,  and you are willing to i cant imagine that would upset him too much, if you really push how excited you are that you remember this super cool idea that guests loved from another wedding.

the whole no alc at cocktail hour sounds like a moral issue for him.. you may want to let that one lie.. especially since he's paying for it.

kgettingmarried

Let it go, and just go with it.  No $$, no opinion in the end.

Besides, it's 1 day of your life.  No one will care or remember that booze wasn't served at the right time, people will remember the fun parts instead.

slwager

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_battle-of-conflicting-etiquettes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8a01826-a305-45ee-ba16-9cdaff221565Post:d916237b-0d73-483c-9539-c382f9ac089d">Re: The Battle of the Conflicting Etiquettes...</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one cracking up at "foopas"? That might be my new favorite word.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

i unfortunately keep thinking of FUPAs now.

noodle_oo

I think you can talk to your dad and see if he woudl be open to you paying for the bar.  However, his reasoning does not seem to be financial.  He doesn't want to offend some relatives, so I think the money argument will not work.

And personally, I feel that if he is paying for the entire event, you have to respect what he wants to do.  It is actually kind of insulting to him to say, you pay for everything, but we don't like how you want to do the bar, so we'll pay for that, but you keep paying for everything else.  If you don't agree with his choices, then don't take his money and pay for the entire event yourselves.  Otherwise you just appear ungrateful to me.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Do your religious relatives ever go to restaurants with alcohol? I doubt anyone will be so sloshed during cocktail hour as to cause a scene.

mica178

I think it's funny that he wants no alcohol at the cocktail hour but is willing to allow wine to be served during dinner and a cash bar afterwards.  If he's so worried about offending relatives, the reception should be dry.  If serving alcohol to your guests is important to you, I suggest that you find a way to pay for it yourself.  If your father thinks that is not an acceptable compromise, you might have to fund your own wedding.

Sharkdiver1980

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_battle-of-conflicting-etiquettes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8a01826-a305-45ee-ba16-9cdaff221565Post:d916237b-0d73-483c-9539-c382f9ac089d">Re: The Battle of the Conflicting Etiquettes...</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one cracking up at "foopas"? That might be my new favorite word.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

Nope, I lost it when I read that too...LOL

amyderrah

X0  - spell check fail!

But thanks, most of this is thoughtful advice.  We've got a pretty good relationship so I've let him know my reasons and concerns now and have left it in his hands.  I agree that the reasoning is a little twisted to have some alcohol during some parts...  But he mentioned this to us 3 months away from the wedding; not much time to save up and host our own so I'll just have to go with it.

wyney

If he is paying for the wedding as a whole, then it seems to me that there will be points during the planning where he simply must ask for your opinions....invitations, the dress, transportation, venue, etc.

Do you think it would be possible to let him know that while you really like Dress A or transportation package B, a hosted bar would make you happier?

amyderrah

We've reached a compromise of sorts.  The bar situation is still the same, he doesn't want to change that, but we're having more food at the social hour (more fancy, tasty stuff, I should say) for guests to nibble on.  I've really come to terms with this in the past few weeks.  I think there are other ways I can show my guests that I appreciate them and get them to have a good time (Photo booth, great food, ect). 

I like what kgettingmarried said, "Besides, it's 1 day of your life.  No one will care or remember that booze wasn't served at the right time, people will remember the fun parts instead."

I think I needed to remember that most of these people are, automatically, going to be happy for us and ready to have a good time.  The few people that might get upset, well, those are people that would find something to be upset about anyway, even if it was a perfect wedding.  I've given up worrying about them and the perfect wedding.  There will always be someone that wants something to be different or doesn't agree with some part of what you've done. I'm letting that go; in the long run it doesn't matter much.  I think if my Fi and I are really enjoying the wedding, that will be infectious.  Now I just want a fun, friendly wedding.

Ghoti