Paying for the wedding

Micqs

Hello again all!

Quick question.  I was not intending on my family putting or offering to put anything towards the wedding since I rarely speak to my father or my grandmother (no mother).  When I spoke to my step mother a few days ago, my step mother threw in a comment such as "it'll give your father some time to get money together to help with the wedding".  I had a similar comment from my grandmother.  I know some of the important steps to beginning to plan the wedding is the guest list and budget.  How do I ask how much they are going to contribute without being persnickity and sounding rude?  I think money is a touchy subject and due to my self sufficiant state of mind I really am not comfortable asking them flat out especially since I wasnt intending on their help but the help and the thought is appreciated.

specialk84

Plan the wedding you can afford without any of their contributions. If they give you money later, fabulous. If not, you won't suddenly realize you can't pay the caterer.

aragx6

I would probably wait until your dad specifically mentions something about it to you. Because it sounds like you weren't banking on his money anyway and you already have a strained relationship, it might be better if he doesn't throw in.

laurenclaire1386

Just plan your wedding as if you're paying for all of it. An offhand comment is not a check. I would be uncomfortable being all "well how much are ya gonna give me?" too. Just plan the wedding you can afford to pay for without their money, then if they actually do contribute anything, you can maybe upgrade something or spend it on the honeymoon or whatever. 

ootmother2

You and FI shoud just plan the weddin the two of you can afford on your own.

After that, if they bring up the subject again, you can decide if and how much would fit the circumstance.

adamar15

I'd just continue planning like you're going to pay for the whole thing yourself.  If they end up giving you some money, awesome, it'll be like a bonus.  This way there's no awkward conversations.  Also, you say you don't speak to them often.  Do you guys have a strained relationship?  Accepting their money would mean accepting that they have some control in your wedding, and if the relationship is already strained that might not be a great idea.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9139cc1-511f-4b53-b150-ffce5af1312dPost:245b65d3-daba-4a59-ad62-8d7f6934263f">Paying for the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello again all! Quick question.  I was not intending on my family putting or offering to put anything towards the wedding since I rarely speak to my father or my grandmother (no mother).  When I spoke to my step mother a few days ago, my step mother threw in a comment such as "it'll give your father some time to get money together to help with the wedding".  I had a similar comment from my grandmother.  I know some of the important steps to beginning to plan the wedding is the guest list and budget.  How do I ask how much they are going to contribute without being persnickity and sounding rude?  I think money is a touchy subject and due to my self sufficiant state of mind I really am not comfortable asking them flat out especially since I wasnt intending on their help but the help and the thought is appreciated.
Posted by Micqs[/QUOTE]

Don't count on them for any money until you have the cash in your hand.  But do you really want to accept their money? Oftentimes money = strings.

Micqs

Thank you so much.  I think I was heading in that direction to begin with.  I don't have a strained relationship with either father or grandmother.  I just had a pretty rough upbringing in which neither of them were involved in my life until after I was removed from my mother's care.  They are just strange relationships because they were not formed till after I was 16 and my dad lives in Georgia and my grandmother in Wisconsin (Ive been living between MD and PA) so the distance doesnt help it much.  So I highly doubt its anything related to control or anything of negative nature.

TheFutureShulins

My mom and future father in law have both mentioned "helping out financially" with the wedding but no mention of dollar amounts.  We had already planned to pay for everything ourselves so we are sticking with our original budget for now. 

We are skipping anything deemed unnecessary to us: aisle runner, videographer, limo, favors... so any help we do receive will more than likely go towards these extras.  

lauraanne9

As everyone else has said, plan what you can afford.

Originally, my fiance and I were going to be paying for the wedding and my parents the honeymoon.

We started planning the wedding we could afford, and all of a sudden my parents started chipping in.  So, we are having what I originally planned on steroids (that's what I call it).  My dress was more than I was planning, as my mother wanted to pay for part of it.  The cake is 3 different flavors instead of one.  The BM is getting a nicer flower appangement that originally planned.  So, the wedding is what we were planning, just made nicer by their additional financial help.  And this way, if they take it back, I can easily call the bakery and say "actually, one flavor" and things like that.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9139cc1-511f-4b53-b150-ffce5af1312dPost:2a4cebc3-6099-49f8-81d5-4166c65ac49b">Re: Paying for the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Since it sounds like they've offered, I think it's fine to politely ask if they have a figure in mind that they will be contributing so you can make your budget.  You may also want to ask if they had specific items they want that to cover, or if it's OK to use it for anything wedding related</strong>.  This might clue you in to any strings that may come with the money and then you can decide if you want to accept it or not. You can also just plan as if no money has been offered and then use whatever they end up giving you to offset your own costs.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This.  If they offered, I don't see any problem with asking the particulars of the offer, just to get everything straight.

</div>

ginadog

Are you able to put on a decent wedding with the funds you have planned already?  If so, I'd just stick to your plans as is, and consider the gifts a gift!

Micqs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9139cc1-511f-4b53-b150-ffce5af1312dPost:a28743dd-b1e2-43d9-a1bd-eca8bcb5f2bf">Re:Paying for the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Paying for the wedding: As opposed to an indecent wedding? I'm now envisioning pasties with little veils on them instead of tassels and a groom in a tuxedo thong. Now THAT is a wedding I'd pay to attend.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

That made my day :)

saranandy

And mine. :-)

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9139cc1-511f-4b53-b150-ffce5af1312dPost:74955a55-3c42-4d4a-9be3-6b819a704330">Re:Paying for the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Paying for the wedding : That made my day :)
Posted by Micqs[/QUOTE]