Etiquette v. "Normal"

katieisawesome

As evidenced by my many recent complaints, I am a bridesmaid in a wedding this summer and I am starting to feel like this couple is reading about good etiquette and purposely doing the exact opposite of what it advised...

Kicked out a BM and then also replaced her.  

Picked a BM dress without discussing budget (it ended up being reasonable, but still we were never asked what we could afford).  

Cash bar, without even the courtesy of a hosted cocktail hour (after I very gently suggested at least doing that).

Invited an extra 30 or so guests for "after dinner" drinks - which of course they then get to pay for.  

Asked wedding party to chip in $ for the limo from the ceremony to the reception.

Wedding hair and jewelry as "gifts" for the BMs.

On top of all that, the MOHs were just as bad planning the shower and bachelorette but we were able to talk sense into them and fix that.

I love my friend but it's making me cringe.  It's also making me think about what is good etiquette versus what is "normal" (for instance my SO thought it was annoying that there was no cocktail hour but not that there is a cash bar).  I think all of it is awful but I am in the camp of "a cash bar is better than no bar" since I'd prefer to pay for a drink than not have one at all at a wedding.  But then again, if it were my wedding, I'd rather save up and host the bar.

Is there anything that your friends and family consider "normal" that is just plain bad manners and a big no-no for you?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Not necessarily wedding related, but it's popular in my circle of friends to invite people out for dinner/drinks/a party and not host anything.

lindsay5432

Lots of stuff.  I just don't get my knickers in a knot over it.  I try to keep in mind that a lot of people do not know what the correct etiquette is, and most people are generally trying to do the right thing.  Also, if a family has always done things a certain way, it might not even cross your mind that it's not proper etiquette.  For example, cash bars around here are the "norm", or at least toonie bars ($2 drinks).  An open bar is quite lavish and not expected. 

lindsay5432

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:db1218b5-875e-4708-a3d4-132f589c7920">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]Not necessarily wedding related, but it's popular in my circle of friends to invite people out for dinner/drinks/a party and not host anything.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

That's totally normal around here, too.  I've never been to a party at a restaurant or bar where I didn't buy my own food/drinks.   Most house parties are byob.  

lyndausvi

I'm not sure I would be friends with people who did not know how to host properly.   Maybe it makes me a snob, but I think it's more of circle we are in.  

Both our families a incredible hosts (even with modest budgets)..  Most of our friends are in the hospitality/restaurant/bar industry, so it would be weird too see things like cash bars.  We buy each other drinks on a normal friday night, we would not change just because it's wedding and there are more people

pjseabee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:9c3b2b79-4591-44d4-beae-10307db26604">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE] For example, cash bars around here are the "norm", or at least toonie bars ($2 drinks).  An open bar is quite lavish and not expected. 
Posted by lindsay5432[/QUOTE]

This.  Sorta.  Where I'm from, it's the norm to host beer & wine all night, but guests pay for their own liqour if they want it.  Not so for FI's family, who are accustomed to open bars at weddings.  FMIL and Step-FMIL took care of the issue by telling their guests what to expect, and everyone was just fine with it, thankfully. 

ahhhitsshannyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:db1218b5-875e-4708-a3d4-132f589c7920">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]Not necessarily wedding related, but it's popular in my circle of friends to invite people out for dinner/drinks/a party and not host anything.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]


Just out of curiosity, if we say "hey lets go out to chilis" is it incorrect etiquette for us not to host? Just wondering, I know how it happens but I am just wondering if it in bad etiquette.

Usually, if I go to a house party I always being something. If I have a party at my house, even if it is called "potluck," I always provide enough food and soda for everyone, and everyone will usually bring chips, cookies, junk food, and alcohol if they choose to drink that night. That is just the way it is done in our circle, like tonight we are going to BBQ, but he told us bring something to throw on the grill.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:a8b7992b-7354-4f6b-bac9-4f02323d2d38">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette v. "Normal" : Just out of curiosity, if we say "hey lets go out to chilis" is it incorrect etiquette for us not to host? Just wondering, I know how it happens but I am just wondering if it in bad etiquette. Usually, if I go to a house party I always being something. If I have a party at my house, even if it is called "potluck," I always provide enough food and soda for everyone, and everyone will usually bring chips, cookies, junk food, and alcohol if they choose to drink that night. That is just the way it is done in our circle, like tonight we are going to BBQ, but he told us bring something to throw on the grill.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I was wondering this as well.

</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:a8b7992b-7354-4f6b-bac9-4f02323d2d38">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette v. "Normal" : Just out of curiosity, if we say "hey lets go out to chilis" is it incorrect etiquette for us not to host? Just wondering, I know how it happens but I am just wondering if it in bad etiquette. Usually, if I go to a house party I always being something. If I have a party at my house, even if it is called "potluck," I always provide enough food and soda for everyone, and everyone will usually bring chips, cookies, junk food, and alcohol if they choose to drink that night. That is just the way it is done in our circle, like tonight we are going to BBQ, but he told us bring something to throw on the grill.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

No, I think grabbing a few friends for dinner is different than, "Come celebrate my birthday, cover is x amount, drinks are x amount, dinner is x amount." And usually these people expect that we'll also be covering their dinner and buying them drinks all night. I actually had a friend plan a party at a race track a few weeks ago. Tickets to just get in were $15 plus more if you wanted to bet obviously, plus beer (at least the cheap stuff was on special - $1 for small, $2 for large), plus food. PLUS she said she'd be collecting money for tsunami relief "in lieu of gifts." PLUS she asked to crash at my house because she said, "people will probably be buying me beer all night." In reality, only 2 people, including me, showed up.

That's an extreme example. I'm going to another party tonight that's just at a bar, but I'll be responsible for my own drinks, at least, which are about $9.Again, that doesn't bother me a TON, but it depends on the expectations and size of the pary. Last year I wanted to go out to a place that was a good ways away from where my friends lived and I promised to buy a round. I think H ended up paying for basically all the drinks since there were about 8 people total. Otherwise we usually have parties at home and provide the food and drink.

I also got invited to a "party" at someone's house that was $5 cover plus $10 if you wanted to play beer pong. No thanks.

ETA: potlucks are different IMO, because the point of the party is to share food. In my own family, when we have family parties, the host will provide drinks (beer/wine/liquor/soda) and a main, like a roast or ham, then one or two sides and everyone else always shows up with other side dishes and dessert. So that's normal for my family.

KatyRoseM

Second religious weddings are not uncommon where I'm from.  Similarly inviting people to the reception only is verycommon.  Both of these are based on religious laws though, so I'm not sure if thats what your talking about. 

ahhhitsshannyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:ee1c48eb-9847-4577-a308-04526f0f6a4e">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette v. "Normal" :  I also got invited to a "party" at someone's house that was $5 cover plus $10 if you wanted to play beer pong. No thanks.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]


Heh.... hehehe. That is flippin' hilarious. But actually, TBH, I have one friend who is known for being super cheap, but he always invites everyone over to watch the UFC fights. And then he will send a text telling everyone to bring some food and maybe some cash to cover the fights. (I think they cost like $50 each) This is the same one that is having this awesome BBQ at his house but if we want to BBQ we have to bring our supplies. HAHA. I wish we could just host them at our house but we do not have tv service so we cant order them.

ahhhitsshannyn

Liv, that is pretty stupid! They are inviting kids and then saying oh no, they are going with the babysitter anyways. What is the point of inviting them if they want an adult party? What an idiot!

Ghoti

We have friends like that as well Shannyn, it's never bothered me. Is it an age thing maybe? I don't think it's a regional thing because I've gone to parties and BBQ's of the like in 4 different states (CA, NC,VA, and NJ). Weddings and such events are expected to be hosted, but everything else, not so much. 

DeadUtopia

Cash bars and BYOB are super common here, and they don't bug me too much because we're just used to them. But a REALLY annoying thing that happens a lot is people will bring people that weren't invited and it's not looked at sideways for some reason. I think it's a cultural thing in FI's family, but it sucks for the one paying for it.

Also, it's super common for people to skip the ceremony part of a wedding and just go to the dinner/reception, which I think is super RUDE. They couldn't come to see the point of the evening's celebration, but you're gonna come for the free food and booze??? Thanks, I feel special.

mob2689

I've been to wedding receptions where they gave us tickets(like a fair ride ticket) for drinks, each guest received2- 4 tickets for mixed drinks, beer & wine were free. If we wanted more than 4 mixed drinks we were to pay.

ahhhitsshannyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:1f0755e3-694e-4f11-94a0-960e27c18aad">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]We have friends like that as well Shannyn, it's never bothered me. Is it an age thing maybe? I don't think it's a regional thing because I've gone to parties and BBQ's of the like in 4 different states (CA, NC,VA, and NJ). Weddings and such events are expected to be hosted, but everything else, not so much. 
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]


It does not bother me either since I would not like to buy everyone's alcohol at my house so I know none of my friends are in the situation that they could either. But sometimes it does make me laugh since the text seriously said "super awesome BBQ at my house! Bring something to put on the grill." HAHA, that is not really a BBQ. If we have potluck we ALWAYS provide the main dish, and sides, since people usually just tend to bring chips and cookies to a potluck and that is not a fun potluck with just chips and cookies! :)

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:aeaae13c-22ce-46ef-8421-854aa775137e">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette v. "Normal" : It does not bother me either since I would not like to buy everyone's alcohol at my house so I know none of my friends are in the situation that they could either. But sometimes it does make me laugh since the text seriously said "<strong>super awesome BBQ at my house! Bring something to put on the grill." </strong>HAHA, that is not really a BBQ. If we have potluck we ALWAYS provide the main dish, and sides, since people usually just tend to bring chips and cookies to a potluck and that is not a fun potluck with just chips and cookies! :)
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]
Haha we so have the same friend :D

smokeybailey

If I invite you to my house for a BBQ, cocktail or dinner party, you do not need to bring ANYTHING.  Although I will guarantee you that people will bring hostess gifts of wine or flowers.  Now, if we are planning a tailgate at the Rose Bowl then people are assigned items to bring.  If we are invited somewhere, we always ask what we can bring.  I have never (at least not since college) had someone ask for money UNLESS we were doing bottle service at a club and one person was collecting the money for it. 

I don't think we have ever hosted anything that was BYOB.  For holidays with family we will tell them that this is what we have and if they want something different they can bring it. 

As far as wedding after parties, we are having one.  We are going to tell people via word of mouth that we are heading to the club after the reception.  I am booking two tables and we are having the cover waived.  I will also kick start the party with two bottles.  But after that people are on their own. 

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:cf16db2b-3196-47b2-b222-611756f48e04">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If I invite you to my house for a BBQ, cocktail or dinner party, you do not need to bring ANYTHING. </strong> Although I will guarantee you that people will bring hostess gifts of wine or flowers.  Now, if we are planning a tailgate at the Rose Bowl then people are assigned items to bring.  If we are invited somewhere, we always ask what we can bring.  I have never (at least not since college) had someone ask for money UNLESS we were doing bottle service at a club and one person was collecting the money for it.  I don't think we have ever hosted anything that was BYOB.  For holidays with family we will tell them that this is what we have and if they want something different they can bring it.  As far as wedding after parties, we are having one.  We are going to tell people via word of mouth that we are heading to the club after the reception.  I am booking two tables and we are having the cover waived.  I will also kick start the party with two bottles.  But after that people are on their own. 
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

<div>That's my thought, too.  FI's family thinks every occasion is a potluck, though, and they seemed really pissed when they first started coming to our house and we said they didn't need to bring anything.  FMIL brought tons of food anyway, and there was no room for it in the refrigerator.  She told me to serve her food instead of mine, but her children are well aware of her (lack of) foodhandling skills, so they stuck up for me.</div><div>
</div><div>When we go to FSIL's house, I ask if there's anything I can help her with, and I always bring a hostess gift..  She's asked once for us to bring a dessert, and that's fine.  She never forced it, though.  Oh, and she always brings me a lovely bottle of wine when she comes over for dinner. </div>

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:cf16db2b-3196-47b2-b222-611756f48e04">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]If I invite you to my house for a BBQ, cocktail or dinner party, you do not need to bring ANYTHING.  Although I will guarantee you that people will bring hostess gifts of wine or flowers.  Now, if we are planning a tailgate at the Rose Bowl then people are assigned items to bring.  If we are invited somewhere, we always ask what we can bring.  I have never (at least not since college) had someone ask for money UNLESS we were doing bottle service at a club and one person was collecting the money for it.  I don't think we have ever hosted anything that was BYOB.  For holidays with family we will tell them that this is what we have and if they want something different they can bring it.  As far as wedding after parties, we are having one.  We are going to tell people via word of mouth that we are heading to the club after the reception.  I am booking two tables and we are having the cover waived.  I will also kick start the party with two bottles.  But after that people are on their own. 
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That is how we are and how I grew up.</div><div>
</div><div>The only exception is if the party is  for a group, club or say the family holiday party where our house is just the venue, but we are not actually 'hosting'.</div><div>
</div><div>My parents use to have the neighborhood xmas party at their home.  It was a BYOA(ppetizer) party and my parents provided all the booze.  It was a great way to taste all the neighbors different dishes..

</div>

thesequel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-v-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9b3b66c-8c82-475c-bd47-c64c9f509496Post:46d1693c-5c9d-488b-acfd-67e1703053f0">Re: Etiquette v. "Normal"</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been to wedding receptions where they gave us tickets(like a fair ride ticket) for drinks, each guest received2- 4 tickets for mixed drinks, beer & wine were free. If we wanted more than 4 mixed drinks we were to pay.
Posted by mob2689[/QUOTE]

<div>This is a very common practice in my group of friends.  I have only been to one wedding that had an open bar.  Mostly all of the weddings that I have attended (over 12 so far) have had cash bars.  </div><div>
</div><div>Drink tickets are looked at as a compromise of sorts?</div>

Goldlie11

Every time I've gone to a party like a birthday party, holiday party, shower, or wedding, all food and drinks have been provided.  I of course bring a gift to these events.  When my family gets together just to hang out, I will bring a bottle of liquor, although it isn't required.  

When I get together with friends, we all pay our own way.  It's not a date, it's just a mutual decision to get together.  No one is hosting the get together.