My FI and I are having an issue of whether to accept a gift from an estranged family member. FI's maternal grandmother's sister and her daughter apparently pulled some really ridiculous crap during another sister's illness, death, and the dividing of her estate about 3 years ago. The mother and daughter also testified to try to take custody of a child away from one of the younger cousins and give custody to his drug-addicted and possibly a prostitute ex-girlfriend who is the child's mother (he already had sole physical custody at the time of the case, I believe this case was caused by him getting re-married and going to work on the boats, which requires him to leave the kid with his new wife, who seems to be a pretty great person). This is pretty much all second-hand to me, as the only people I have met are the cousin, his wife, and the kid. But apparently it got really really ugly. To the point that my FMIL stopped speaking to the aunt and the cousin (daughter) over this.
FI's maternal grandmother, who FMIL also stopped speaking to, even though it seems she had no real part in this and lives halfway across the country, has now asked FI if he would accept a wedding gift from her sister. The sister seems to be expressing remorse over how everything went down, and over the breakdown of her relationships with my FMIL and FI and their family. I don't know what to tell FI is the most appropriate thing to do. On one hand, I know that this woman (the sister) will not be invited to the wedding (that's FI's call), and I would feel bad accepting a gift this early (we've been engaged for a while, but are just now able to set a date, thanks U.S. Air Force!) knowing that she will not receive an invitation. On the other hand, I hate to cause friction between FI and his grandmother who are just now renewing their relationship. Or friction in my relationship with his grandmother (if we refuse) or friction with my FMIL (which will occur if she finds out we accepted a gift, and there's already a ton of friction there, which I don't feel a need to add to).
So basically I'm asking, what is the most polite way to refuse a gift from someone whom you're not sure you want to or should take a gift from? Is there a even an etiquette rule that deals with this? Is refusing a gift always rude?
Neither my FI or I want to cause a whole ton of family drama over this (may be unavoidable), but he really doesn't feel right taking anything from this woman. How can he say that without bringing up the past with his grandmother?
Any advice is welcome, and wording for a response would be super-helpful, as all of his communication with his grandmother takes place via Facebook.
