Am I wrong to be hurt by this?

SteelHibiscus

CN: FI's family is a giant drama llama and so FFIL has decided he doesn't want to come to our post-elopement party. My fee-fees, they are a-hurtin.

So as you may recall, FFIL and FMIL are le divorced in a not-great way and have been for a number of years. FFIL has a perfectly lovely GF who he is marrying this spring, but they spend zero time around FMIL for obvious reasons. GF also does not come to family functions where FMIL will be.

FI and FFIL are chatting last night, and he mentions that he intends to marry me. (It's not really official public knowledge yet, because he wants to "propose properly," whatever that means.) FFIL says "obviously," but then apparently goes on to say that he and GF will not be attending our shenaniganery because "it's not worth having to deal with FMIL and her mother." (FI's words, not mine.)

FI thinks this is totally reasonable. I'm upset because FFIL has really treated me like a daughter and this is totally unexpected.

I need some perspective.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-hurt-by-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eab718cd-8636-4d11-bb13-dcd356c1dadaPost:7a3d3c34-0103-41c1-b26b-efadd9de0284">Am I wrong to be hurt by this?</a>:
[QUOTE]CN: FI's family is a giant drama llama and so FFIL has decided he doesn't want to come to our post-elopement party. My fee-fees, they are a-hurtin. So as you may recall, FFIL and FMIL are le divorced in a not-great way and have been for a number of years. FFIL has a perfectly lovely GF who he is marrying this spring, but they spend zero time around FMIL for obvious reasons. GF also does not come to family functions where FMIL will be. FI and FFIL are chatting last night, and he mentions that he intends to marry me. (It's not really official public knowledge yet, because he wants to "propose properly," whatever that means.) FFIL says "obviously," but then apparently goes on to say that he and GF will not be attending our shenaniganery because "it's not worth having to deal with FMIL and her mother." (FI's words, not mine.) FI thinks this is totally reasonable. I'm upset because FFIL has really treated me like a daughter and this is totally unexpected. I need some perspective.
Posted by SteelHibiscus[/QUOTE]

This is all pretalk, right? I mean, you haven't made any plans, this was something randomly mentioned by fiance to FFIL.
I'd wait until there is more set in stone. Perhaps FFIL was just talking randomly because it was just something randomly mentioned to him. Maybe FFIL's plans are based on the fact that you and Fi don't have real plans, yet.


Okay... here's another perspective... it's not really an elopement if you start telling people about it. Then it just becomes a wedding you're not inviting people to. It sorta says, "We're getting married and you're not invited!"

I would drop the elopement talk and wait until Fi "proposes" (WTF <em>does</em> it mean lol) to start planning what you'll do. If your FFIL decides to not attend something he doesn't feel is important, that's his choice. If he wants to celebrate your nuptials, he doesn't necessarily need these shenaniganeries.

hoffse

Did he mean that he didn't want to deal with your mother either?  If so, that's rude as hell.  If he meant that he didn't want to deal with your FI's mother (and that's all he meant), I would bet he was just thinking out loud.  The part that confuses me is your FI thinking this is reasonable - either you've lost some of FFIL's context in translation here (and FI understood, which is why he thinks it's fine) or your FI is a jerkface.  I'm hoping it's the former...

SteelHibiscus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-hurt-by-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eab718cd-8636-4d11-bb13-dcd356c1dadaPost:f5c74cc5-a799-4456-a442-7aaac4d15a62">Re: Am I wrong to be hurt by this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Did he mean that he didn't want to deal with your mother either?  If so, that's rude as hell.  If he meant that he didn't want to deal with your FI's mother (and that's all he meant), I would bet he was just thinking out loud.  The part that confuses me is your FI thinking this is reasonable - either you've lost some of FFIL's context in translation here (and FI understood, which is why he thinks it's fine) or your FI is a jerkface.  I'm hoping it's the former...
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

<div>No, he meant FMIL's mother. Apparently the two of them never got along even pre-divorce.</div><div>
</div><div>I wasn't there for the conversation, so I have no idea what was actually said and it's just adding to my frustration. I do know, though, that FI cares a lot about respecting his parents; I'm just not sure he realizes that they owe him a certain amount of respect too.</div>

SteelHibiscus

Anyway, thanks for the input. It's nice to know I'm not *completely* crazy

SteelHibiscus

Update: FI says it was 3am and FFIL was probably just thinking out loud. So still butts, but slightly less butts.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-hurt-by-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eab718cd-8636-4d11-bb13-dcd356c1dadaPost:22db28b3-6bde-4fa9-96ac-0a30c67d76e2">Re: Am I wrong to be hurt by this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Update: FI says it was 3am and FFIL was probably just thinking out loud. So still butts, but slightly less butts.
Posted by SteelHibiscus[/QUOTE]
It's fine to be hurt by what he said, but don't be. It sounds to me, too, that he was just probably talking out loud.
He hasn't actually made any move to boycott your wedding party because of your FMIL's mother. You don't even have one planned, yet lol. Don't be upset over any conversation that takes place at 3am. :)

SteelHibiscus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-hurt-by-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eab718cd-8636-4d11-bb13-dcd356c1dadaPost:b968ee85-c242-4f34-8079-2465e9cdb868">Re: Am I wrong to be hurt by this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I wrong to be hurt by this? : It's fine to be hurt by what he said, but don't be. It sounds to me, too, that he was just probably talking out loud. He hasn't actually made any move to boycott your wedding party because of your FMIL's mother. You don't even have one planned, yet lol. Don't be upset over any conversation that takes place at 3am. :)
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>[FH posting...] FW neglected to mention the rest of what I said:</div><div>
</div><div>"I'm sure when the time comes and he REALLY sees how madly in love with you I am.. he is going to go, no matter what. Even if that means having to settle things with mom once and for all before he gets invited."</div><div>
</div><div>I mentioned just not inviting either of my parents until they grow up and deal with their own issues, first. If they settle their problems before the reception, they'll get invited.</div>

Loopyseven

They sound like they are 12.  That is unfortunate.  It will probably cause one or both to miss out on some great moments over the years.  What are they going to do if/when there are grandchildren to spoil?

SteelHibiscus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-hurt-by-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eab718cd-8636-4d11-bb13-dcd356c1dadaPost:8ff5d758-6b69-41b4-84ec-38e22fe2f169">Re: Am I wrong to be hurt by this?</a>:
[QUOTE]They sound like they are 12.  That is unfortunate.  It will probably cause one or both to miss out on some great moments over the years.  What are they going to do if/when there are grandchildren to spoil?
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

<div>[FH posting...] Don't worry, if we have any say in the matter (and we have as much as statistics wil allow, 99.99%), there will be no grandchildren to spoil. hah</div>