Dinner party etiquette?

Carla1019

NWR but I need to know how to address this issue.

I enjoy hosting dinner parties in my home several times a year. One of my close friends is dating. In 2011 she had multiple relationships start and end. Which is fine, I understand how hard it is to find "the one".

My concern is that she brings a different boyfriend to my house for each party. Last year was 4 different guys. I wouldn't care if it were a public place but I'm concerned about different men I don't know coming to my home. Should I stop inviting her to my house parties or should I tell her my concerns and let her decide the best action? We have mutual friends and if I stop inviting her she will find out about the party.

I want to be supportive but I'm protective of my home.

ggirl2001

Have the guys she brought ever done anything inappropriate? Does she choose inappropriate guys? If the answer is no, then I would trust her judgment on the guys she dates.

Simply Fated

I do dinner parties, too... Well, I order pizza and invite my best girlfriends over... Have you considered doing "girls night" a few of those times?

Ash61612

I agree with all the PP's about inappropriate behavior from the guys.

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:8f4648c7-4717-4d03-b5f8-0d6f209f5e3b">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Dinner party etiquette? : Have you had any issues with her boyfriends in the past? Anytime we have people over, especially if that includes people we don't know particularly well, we always make sure and put certain things away such as prescriptions, valuables, etc. If she is really a close friend, I would still continue to invite her. Just be aware of the people who are in your home.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

Good advise.
 
And yes some of the guys have done things inappropriate to her and that is why they are her ex. This is not a judgement issue, this is a safety issue. My FI is also uncomfortable about randam guys that aren't sticking around finding out where I live.

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:cb96786e-d741-4e4b-b1dc-0fd4942086eb">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Dinner party etiquette? : Unless they've done something, I don't think it's your place to judge who she is seeing.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>I couldn't have said this any better.  </div><div>
</div><div>Also, I agree with Rachers... put certain items away if that will make you feel better.  </div><div>
</div><div>Has anyone else brought a guest with them that you didn't know or didn't know well?  If so, what is different about this?</div><div>
</div><div>ETA:  I just saw your post.  Can you elaborate?  Also, not to sound harsh, these past men have done things to her and not you correct?  I would probably just stop inviting her if you feel your safety is threatened until she is in a safer/stable relationship with someone.</div>

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:342622b2-a3d0-44ec-a9bb-126cabb77e1e">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Good advise.   And yes some of the guys have done things inappropriate to her and that is why they are her ex. This is not a judgement issue, this is a safety issue. My FI is also uncomfortable about randam guys that aren't sticking around finding out where I live.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

What kind of inappropriate things?  It sounds like you are hiding your judgement of her boyfriends behind a lame safety excuse.  I really don't think her boyfriends are going to come stalk you after having dinner at your house. 

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:b23a50ab-1537-4c67-a715-1b0c6932c9f3">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : I couldn't have said this any better.   Also, I agree with Rachers... put certain items away if that will make you feel better.   Has anyone else brought a guest with them that you didn't know or didn't know well?  If so, what is different about this?
Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

Most of our guests are married or in long term relationships. Again this is not about judging her. I would have a smile on my face meeting any guy she is dating at her place or out in public but my OPINION is it is unsafe for any woman living alone to have random guys come to her home that she doesn't know. AGAIN my opinion.

ggirl2001

What are the safety concerns? If you're friend is continuously choosing abusive boyfriends or something I would be talking to her, not worrying about dinner parties. If there were just 1 or 2 inappropriate things out of the guys she dated and broke up with because of those things, then again I would rely on her judgment and follow rachers advice.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:1c5d9ae5-f826-4bd0-a33b-65f2f960ec88">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Most of our guests are married or in long term relationships. Again this is not about judging her. I would have a smile on my face meeting any guy she is dating at her place or out in public but my OPINION is it is unsafe for any woman living alone to have random guys come to her home that she doesn't know. AGAIN my opinion.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]


So you're passing judgment on her for dating basically. Sure it might be unsafe but how does this affect YOUR dinner parties?

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:8d3d4a6e-8f66-4e88-b312-286711a17d64">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I would probably talk to her about your concerns</strong>.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

Thanks! I will.

Avion22

So, if I'm understanding you correctly, you're afraid that she's going to bring a guy to your dinner party, then eventually break up with him, and he will come to your house because he knows where you live?

I think you're paranoid.  Anybody and everybody who lives in your neighborhood knows that you live alone.  Your mailman knows you live alone.   The guy who mows your neighbor's lawn knows you live alone.

If you're really worried about safety, then get a home security system, new locks on your doors, and an unlisted phone number.  And maybe a large menacing dog.  

ggirl2001

I'm going to make random guesses. Jealous of single friends active dating life? Overly paranoid about males? Wants justification to judge friend?

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:c00ad350-1cc8-478e-8dbd-ae78b22c2a8d">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Well then you probably shouldn't be hosting dinner parties if you are that paranoid. I know that sounds harsh, but ANY guy regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not could turn out to be a nutso.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
This. Lots of psychos are in LT relationships. Just don't have dinner parties at your house if you are worried about your safety. 

crash2729

Unless she has a history of dating known criminals, I wouldn't mention it. You run a higher risk of hurting her feelings and alienating her than of the chance that one of her guys will come back to your house and rob you blind.

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:1c5d9ae5-f826-4bd0-a33b-65f2f960ec88">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Most of our guests are married or in long term relationships. Again this is not about judging her. I would have a smile on my face meeting any guy she is dating at her place or out in public but my OPINION is it is unsafe for any woman living alone to have random guys come to her home that she doesn't know. AGAIN my opinion.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

<div>This reminds me of that commercial where a single lady throws a party with friends and then a rando guy that was there leaves and once all of the guests leave comes back to break into her house.  Thanks ADT.</div><div>
</div><div>Anywho, I can see how this does bother you.  Maybe before your next dinner party have a public get together to "meet" her newest guy and then it wont be so weird for you to have him come with her.  On the other hand, maybe don't invite her?  And on the other, other hand.... has anyone ever brought anyone that you didn't know (because then you seem a tad judgey if only her men bug you).</div>

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:7977fc8e-3c02-47a3-bc73-a6386868c27c">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Really concerned he's going to come back and steal her bean dip recipe?
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]



If someone came back and stole my chicken wing dip recipe I'd be pissed. Because you can totally google all recipe now. Fail on the thief's part.

Carla1019

WOW, I'm being paranoid because I want to be selective on who comes to my home. Okay your right. I'm so jealous.

You know me very well. Thank you for telling me the error of my ways. I'll also tell my FI his concerns are crazy and screw his feelings. I'll let you know how that conversation goes. But I'm sure you will tell me he is so insecure that one of her exs will steal me away because he is not a real man.

Nice.

ggirl2001

Except you have not given us any reason why you dont like her taste in men except she dates a lot of them.

ggirl2001

Who spends this much time analyzing a friends relationship and how it relates to dinner parties?

becka717

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:5133c757-4af4-471a-86ac-4fb59d371ec1">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, if I'm understanding you correctly, you're afraid that she's going to bring a guy to your dinner party, then eventually break up with him, and he will come to your house because he knows where you live? I think you're paranoid.  <strong>Anybody and everybody who lives in your neighborhood knows that you live alone.  Your mailman knows you live alone.   The guy who mows your neighbor's lawn knows you live alone.</strong> If you're really worried about safety, then get a home security system, new locks on your doors, and an unlisted phone number.  And maybe a large menacing dog.  
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

This.  Your friend's guest won't necessarily know you live alone. 

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:2b6324e8-5b09-4d49-8c74-954d773b6764">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]Except you have not given us any reason why you dont like her taste in men except she dates a lot of them.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

Not all but some of the guys she dates are verbally abusive and have offended my other guests. I didn't give that reason because she is a grown woman and I have already told her my thoughts on that.

I don't feel that applies here because if she invites me to her home I would gladly come and greet anyone she is dating. Maybe I grew up in an area were everyone is VERY selective on who you have in your home. This is the norm for me.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:fca60f2a-8327-4e44-a151-3f78ab06f858">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Dude, If  I worried that much about it, I probably would stop hosting dinner parties.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]



Seriously. I feel like this should be handled at the time of said dinner party. Not thinking about it for the entire year. Can you imagine the conversation with the friend. Sorry you date too many random people so I won't be inviting you and your current boyfriend over anytime soon.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:95121606-99ac-4116-bd21-430dc75fbd52">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Not all but some of the guys she dates are verbally abusive and have offended my other guests. I didn't give that reason because she is a grown woman and I have already told her my thoughts on that. I don't feel that applies here because if she invites me to her home I would gladly come and greet anyone she is dating. Maybe I grew up in an area were everyone is VERY selective on who you have in your home. This is the norm for me.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]



This would have been helpful 20 minutes ago when we asked for examples.

celticmyss

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:391989a6-a6fc-4e2e-bdb2-9406a259acd0">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : This reminds me of that commercial where a single lady throws a party with friends and then a rando guy that was there leaves and once all of the guests leave comes back to break into her house.  Thanks ADT. 
Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This sums up my opinion about those darn ads quite well. </div><div><a href="http://current.com/shows/infomania/91442708_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-broadview-security.htm" rel="nofollow">http://current.com/shows/infomania/91442708_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-broadview-security.htm</a> 

</div>

StephBeanWed61502

Look, you already know the answer here, but since you insist on pretending you don't, here are your polite options:

1. Don't invite friend at all.  When she inevitably gets insulted at being excluded, tell her it's because you're not comfortable with her boyfriends.  She'll probably be insulted, because it's pretty insulting to tell someone you have so little faith in their judgment that you don't trust them to not bring crazy psycho rapist thieves to your home (which is what you're doing, even if you say it more nicely than that) and be prepared to apologize and possibly lose a friend over your paranoia about stranger danger.

2. Invite friend and her boyfriend-of-the-month unless you have actual, factual information that he is a criminal/drug abuser/thief/rapist. 

3. Stop having dinner parties altogether because ZOMG! strangers!

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:142f8621-dd80-4416-955c-172eb35d7e0f">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see why you are getting all flustered over our answers. If you don't want rando boyfriends in your home, then don't invite her over. Problem solved. Go to a restaurant or something. Why are you making this such a big deal?
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Only 2 or 3 people gave me an answer to my actual question.

Do i stop inviting her or do I invite her but tell her to stop bringing dates / boyfriends?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:21df60cc-17a0-4b6d-869c-237c898ce5c8">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Only 2 or 3 people gave me an answer to my actual question. Do i stop inviting her or do I invite her but tell her to stop bringing dates / boyfriends?
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

As I indicated above, just stop inviting her if you're that uncomfortable.  It's really, really rude to invite someone without their significant other, no matter what you think about the seriousness/longevity of their relationship.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:21df60cc-17a0-4b6d-869c-237c898ce5c8">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : Only 2 or 3 people gave me an answer to my actual question. Do i stop inviting her or do I invite her but tell her to stop bringing dates / boyfriends?
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]



Freaking wait until you actually have a dinner party planned to decide. Sure tell her to not bring boyfriends but on what grounds? Because in the past she made poor choices? Way to be supportive. Just stop inviting her if you're that concerned but don't be surprised if you lose a friend.

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:c510cb7c-4821-457f-9e7c-4b85cba3a25b">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : This sums up my opinion about those darn ads quite well.  <a href="http://current.com/shows/infomania/91442708_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-broadview-security.htm" rel="nofollow">http://current.com/shows/infomania/91442708_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-broadview-security.htm</a>  
Posted by celticmyss[/QUOTE]

<div>Heehee :)</div><div>
</div><div>I think you should stop inviting her, as I and many have mentioned.  I don't think its right to tell her to come but not bring "man of the month."  It's sort of an all or nothing deal when it comes to social units IMO.</div>

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ead2c852-563e-491f-a926-d0dda177a98bPost:152d0147-2a61-42e4-82b8-1ab8a5dbd013">Re: Dinner party etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner party etiquette? : I think everyone has answered. You can stop inviting her. But it's really rude to invite only her and not her SO. Or invest in some heavy security home alarm systems. <strong>And a big dog.</strong>
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

<div>Might I suggest a Dogue de Bordeaux?  They're my fav breed.  Super friendly but look crazy intimidating.</div>