Wedding Etiquette Forum

I need some advice. WWYD?

Okay, so here is as much of the story as I can get out, and hopefully you guys can give me some advice, because I feel really lost right now. CN at bottom.

Anyways, my mother is terrible with money. Our family used to be relatively well off and now we're not. At all. But she still wants to spend like we are. She steals my fathers checks and writes them out to cash. Finally, some time in February he gave ME the checks to hide. I offered to do it because I was sick of utilities getting cut off due to my mother stealing the bill money. Well, evidently she found where I had hid them and stole some. My father found out about this on Monday and was absolutely furious. He called and asked how she got the checks. He left her a voicemail basically saying that he wants her out of his house and he wants a divorce. He is sick of working his ass off to barely make it by and having her steal the money he needs to pay the bills. And on top of that, we've suspected for a while that she's on some kind of drugs. 

Today I found out that my aunt and uncle are on the way here from NOLA (where my mom is from). They are going to spend the weekend here and on Monday my mom and sister are going to go to New Orleans with them. I am invited to go as well. My mother informed me of this as she was walking out the door to meet her manager at work. According to my sister, no one knows when my mother plans on returning to Georgia. Some time before the new school year begins, I would imagine. 

I called my father (an OTR trucker) to find out what exactly is going on between them. I asked him if they were really getting a divorce and he told me that he doesn't know. I told him about what's going on with the whole going to NOLA thing and he had no clue. I told him that my mother is under the impression that he wants a divorce. I also told him that she was under the impression that if she didn't leave the house that he was going to stop paying all the bills. He said that he did say something to that effect while he was very very angry, but that he didn't really mean it. 

So basically, I told him that he needs to talk to my mom to find out what's going on. To figure out what they're going to do as far as their marriage is concerned. He told me that he does not want to talk to her right now, but that he wants ME to talk to her to find out where her head is. I feel like if I DON'T talk to my mother on his behalf, that he won't talk to her at all and none of this is going to be discussed. 

So right now, I don't know if my parents are getting divorced or not. My mother and sister (the only other people in the house) are leaving to go to NOLA with her family for an unknown amount of time. We have 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a bird. I don't know what is going to happen with the animals, and I don't know if me staying or going with affect whatever her plan is. I don't know if I should go with them, or stay here. There are benefits and drawbacks to both. 

CN: Paren'ts possibly getting divorced. Dad wants me to be the messenger between them. Mother and sister packing up and going to NOLA for an undetermined length of time. I don't know if I want to go with them or not. 

Re: I need some advice. WWYD?

  • I would absolutely NOT play intermediary between the two of them.  No way in hell.  

    I would not go with your mother.  I'd stay put.  Going with her feels like taking her side. 
  • Stay right where you are. Take care of the animals if possible. Do not get in the middle. I'm sorry, Poke. :(
  • It is absolutely not your job to be the go between for your parents.  They are adults and need to work this out on their own.  I know you probably just want to help resolve the situation, but you'll just cause yourself so much stress and worry by making yourself feel like you bear some of the responsibility for their relationship.
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  • willywally5willywally5 member
    2500 Comments
    edited July 2012
    I agree with Muni. ETA: And all the rest of the PPs. 

    Your parents need to deal with their stuff and not put you in the middle. So, even though it will be hard, tell them so. And then stick to your guns. You can do it, Poke! 

    And absolutely don't go to NOLA with them. Muni is right about that, too. 
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  • LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited July 2012
    I also wouldn't get in the middle and try to communicate on your parents' behalf. They need to sort this out on their own, and I think that you'll only make yourself feel worse by trying to help. 

  • My parents recently got divorced.  It's not a fun situation to be in at all.  I would not recommend being a messenger.  Too much can get lost in translation.  As much as it might suck for you watching, they need to fix their own problems and not put them on you.  That will only serve to damage your relationship with them if it doesn't work out like your father thinks it will.  I know going through a divorce as an adult child can be rough- if you need someone to talk to you or vent to, feel free to send me a private message.
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  • Don't play messenger. Don't go to NOLA. Stay where you are and take care of the animals. 

    Part of me thinks your mom needs to hit rock bottom before she'll ever change. Another part of me says your dad needs to grow a set and learn to communicate with his wife. Either way, the innerworkings of your parents marriage is not something you should be involved in.

    Look at it this way. If your mom and sister are moving out, and your dad is on the road all the time, you'll have the house to yourself. Since you probably won't be able to get a job as soon as you get to England, it might be good practice for running your own household. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I thought you've said that you never lived alone before. I think that could be a valuable experience.
  • I would NOT get involved between them.  They are adults and need to work this out.

    I also would not move with her, stay home, take care of the pets, and hopefully soon you'll have your VISA situation figured out.
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  • edited July 2012
    I'm sorry Poke. I don't have anything else to add but I feel the PPs have it right. *hugs*
  • edited July 2012
    Oh, and I don't get why your dad was surprised that your mom was moving out. If H said, "I want a divorce. Get out," I'd believe him. I think it's really shitty to make statements lke that if you don't mean them. It's also really shitty to spend your family's money on stupid shitt when bills need to be paid, so there's that. I'm really sorry, Poke.
  • I have to ditto the PPs.  As hard as it might be to want to help, it's natural that you want to, in order to preserve your happiness, you should stay out of the middle. 

    I'm sorry that you're going through this, Poke.
  • Thanks for all of the advice guys.

    I hadn't thought about it looking like I'm taking her side. I mean, honestly if it was just her going to NOLA because she wants to be with family and she was just going for a week or something, there would be no question of if I'm going. NOLA is a fun place. She hasn't said that she is moving there yet, only that she is going to "get a break". So, I guess if that's the case then it would be better if she didnt have to bring all of the animals with her.

    Special - I did think about the benefit of having the house all to myself for a while. And while I have never lived alone before, I have done a lot of running the household. In addition to our suspicions of drug use, we know she's been at least borderline alcholic. There were many times growing up that if I didn't take care of things around the house, nothing got done. There have also been many occasions (back when I was working) that I had to loan my father money to pay bills because of her. 

    This situation really does suck. I won't continue to be put in the middle, but I think I will try to get an idea from my mother on what her plan actually is. And try to convince both her and my father to actually have a conversation. Like I said, I'm afraid that if I just do nothing then the conversation won't be held and I believe it does need to happen. 
  • LTB - If I'm being completely honest, I DO resent both of my parents, somewhat. I feel very guilty about it, but I can't help it. 

    Special - You are 100% right. He's being an idiot. I asked if he'd actually talked to mom and told her he didn't mean that she had to GTF out, and he said no. 
  • Yeah being the messenger between parents is not a good idea. One of my good friends was put in the middle between her parents during their divorce when she was 16 and she has really resented both of them ever since.
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  • LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-some-advice-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec8bdd36-3e01-4d60-9ad4-49101e236982Post:c5b67cff-0c86-41d4-bce5-d3c4d1bbd2ff">Re: I need some advice. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for all of the advice guys. I hadn't thought about it looking like I'm taking her side. I mean, honestly if it was just her going to NOLA because she wants to be with family and she was just going for a week or something, there would be no question of if I'm going. NOLA is a fun place. She hasn't said that she is moving there yet, only that she is going to "get a break". So, I guess if that's the case then it would be better if she didnt have to bring all of the animals with her. Special - I did think about the benefit of having the house all to myself for a while. And while I have never lived alone before, I have done a lot of running the household. In addition to our suspicions of drug use, we know she's been at least borderline alcholic. There were many times growing up that if I didn't take care of things around the house, nothing got done. There have also been many occasions (back when I was working) that I had to loan my father money to pay bills because of her.  This situation really does suck. I won't continue to be put in the middle, but I think I will try to get an idea from my mother on what her plan actually is. And try to convince both her and my father to actually have a conversation. Like I said, I'm afraid that if I just do nothing then the conversation won't be held and I believe it does need to happen. 
    Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I think that if you really believe they won't talk unless you convince them to do so, that it wouldn't be the worst thing to get them talking. I'd recommend they seek counseling if they want to work things out. It sounds like maybe they need some help communicating - but that help shouldn't be you, ya know? That's as far as I think your involvement ought to be - saying "dad, you need to talk to mom", and "mom, you need to talk to dad." The end. </div><div>
    </div><div>Is it possible for your dad to look into having his checks direct deposited into an account your mom doesn't have access to moving forward? </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-some-advice-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec8bdd36-3e01-4d60-9ad4-49101e236982Post:7c494c7b-4169-42a4-81af-13576ca753c0">Re: I need some advice. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some advice. WWYD? : I think that if you really believe they won't talk unless you convince them to do so, that it wouldn't be the worst thing to get them talking. I'd recommend they seek counseling if they want to work things out. It sounds like maybe they need some help communicating - but that help shouldn't be you, ya know? That's as far as I think your involvement ought to be - saying "dad, you need to talk to mom", and "mom, you need to talk to dad." The end. <strong> Is it possible for your dad to look into having his checks direct deposited into an account your mom doesn't have access to moving forward? </strong> Also, I'm so sorry you're going through this. 
    Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

    He does have his paychecks direct deposited. He just doesn't want to completely get rid of his checkbook because if there is an actual emergency, he wants us to have access to his checking account. He can transfer money to my mom's account instantly (and mine, if he needs to). But, I guess because he's "old school" he doesn't want to get rid of them. I guess.<div>
    </div><div>Also, I really wish they could go to counseling, but I don't see that being possible because he's in a truck. He hasn't had home time since my wedding. I saw him a week or two ago  but that was for a few hours because he was passing through. Unless you can do counseling over the phone or something. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-some-advice-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec8bdd36-3e01-4d60-9ad4-49101e236982Post:7c494c7b-4169-42a4-81af-13576ca753c0">Re: I need some advice. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some advice. WWYD? : I think that if you really believe they won't talk unless you convince them to do so, that it wouldn't be the worst thing to get them talking. I'd recommend they seek counseling if they want to work things out. <strong>It sounds like maybe they need some help communicating - but that help shouldn't be you, ya know?</strong> T<strong>hat's as far as I think your involvement ought to be - saying "dad, you need to talk to mom", and "mom, you need to talk to dad." The end.</strong>  Is it possible for your <strong>dad to look into having his checks direct deposited into an account your mom doesn't have access to moving forward?</strong>  Also, I'm so sorry you're going through this. 
    Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

    <div>Leisel is wise and smart. Listen to Leisel. The direct deposit is a great idea. Also, he could just close the joint checking account and open another. If him being gone would make it difficult to get bills paid in a timely manner, maybe they could be paid online?</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-some-advice-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec8bdd36-3e01-4d60-9ad4-49101e236982Post:a443c8bd-d508-45e9-9f13-ed679a5d9ddc">Re: I need some advice. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some advice. WWYD? : Leisel is wise and smart. Listen to Leisel. The direct deposit is a great idea. Also, he could just close the joint checking account and open another. <strong>If him being gone would make it difficult to get bills paid in a timely manner, maybe they could be paid online?</strong>
    Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

    <div>He DOES pay his bills online. And it frustrates me that he won't just get rid of the damn things. </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, she signs his name on the checks. I don't think they do have a joint checking account anymore, but I'm not 100% sure. </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-some-advice-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec8bdd36-3e01-4d60-9ad4-49101e236982Post:01ebf898-7515-4280-8dbd-cc921a08a549">Re: I need some advice. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some advice. WWYD? : He DOES pay his bills online. And it frustrates me that he won't just get rid of the damn things.  <strong>Also, she signs his name on the checks. I don't think they do have a joint checking account anymore, but I'm not 100% sure. </strong>
    Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

    <div>If it is not a joint checking account, how is she getting away with signing his name. Isn't there  a signature card on file at the bank? Dad should look into that. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-some-advice-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec8bdd36-3e01-4d60-9ad4-49101e236982Post:fe73c611-5dd2-46c8-8670-37dd8411df29">Re: I need some advice. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some advice. WWYD? : If it is not a joint checking account, how is she getting away with signing his name. Isn't there  a signature card on file at the bank? Dad should look into that. 
    Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't know. He has joked that she signs his name better than he does. She doesn't actually cash his checks at the bank though. She does it at the grocery store. Publix will cash checks. </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-some-advice-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec8bdd36-3e01-4d60-9ad4-49101e236982Post:7eabdfd1-a29f-400f-b9e7-13f36ce7ec90">Re: I need some advice. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some advice. WWYD? : He does have his paychecks direct deposited. He just doesn't want to completely get rid of his checkbook because if there is an actual emergency, he wants us to have access to his checking account. He can transfer money to my mom's account instantly (and mine, if he needs to). But, I guess because he's "old school" he doesn't want to get rid of them. I guess. Also, I really wish they could go to counseling, but I don't see that being possible because he's in a truck. He hasn't had home time since my wedding. I saw him a week or two ago  but that was for a few hours because he was passing through. Unless you can do counseling over the phone or something. 
    Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>That makes sense. </div><div>
    </div><div>My mom sees a therapist pretty regularly, and she will often do her sessions over the phone. I think they'd be able to find someone who'd do phone sessions when he wasn't home. </div><div>
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  • You can totally do therapy over the phone. I have a relative here who still works with a therapist in California. H and I did life coaching via phone, too. It's the only way that coach does it actually. 
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  • I'll try and talk to them about it. I'd like them to work things out, but I just don't think it's possible. I think it's too late. 

    But thanks again for the advice. I have decided not to go to NOLA and to tell my parents to grow up and talk to eachother. 
  • P&R Poke - Hugs to you, I'm on the run tonight and trying to get some stuff taken care of at work to leave for the week, but I'll be thinking off you.
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  • This is an incredibly tough situation to be in.  Without going into it, my parents can also be a handful and I have found myself in numerous situations like this.  How old is your sister?  My best advice is to talk with her - if I didn't have my siblings to talk to about my parents, I'd go nuts!  My siblings always seem to be the only people who really understand the situations I find myself in (for obvious reasons!).

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  • Aw, Poke, I'm sorry :-(

    I agree with staying home - for now.  Maybe once things settle a bit and you see how things might be shaking out you could take a short visit to NOLA.  I feel like if you go now, it's choosing sides, but if you stay and then go visit for a weekend or a week before you leave for England, it will be perceived very differently.

    I would also not get in the middle as far as communication goes.  I would tell your dad he needs to talk to your mom and no amount of you being the go between will resolve anything so while you love them both, you won't do it.
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