How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?

perriks

I have a dilemna. We are having a formal wedding ceremony and while children are invited, we only have one family that is invited who has a baby under the age of two.  We addressed the invitation to Mr. and Mrs., but not the baby (hoping they would take the hint that she is not included). I received their RSVP today and they informed us that their 7 month old will be coming to the wedding with them.  We really do not have the money to hire a babysitter but we also prefer not to have the baby at the wedding. How do we let them know politely that the baby is not welcome?

crash2729

Why are you inviting other children to your wedding but not this one? 

You can just say "Oh I'm sorry sally, but the invite was only for you and joe unfortunately we can't accommodate baby jon." 

Be prepared though for them to decline or to come to your wedding and realize that it's not a no kids wedding and be offended that you left out their kid. 

Sharpschruter22

What Crash said. She's gonna be super pissed if she comes and sees other kids there. Kids at a wedding is an all or nothing deal.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-parents-that-their-baby-is-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed79d128-718e-4789-8e74-c3f07729120cPost:9c673998-61ca-4b1c-98a8-9eb92e173d75">Re:How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]What Crash said. She's gonna be super pissed if she comes and sees other kids there. <strong>Kids at a wedding is an all or nothing deal.</strong>
Posted by Sharpschruter22[/QUOTE]
I'll disagree. You can have immediate family only or kids under X age (As long as you don't split a family). If you have a clear line then you should also give that to her in you explanation.

Sharpschruter22

I agree with that. Im getting tired. You can also have just the children in the WP. My RB and FG will be the only kids at my wedding.

DMoore421

My son, my niece and nephew are the only kids being invited / included in the wedding .. Niece is my flower girl and my nephew will actually be playing the saxaphone at the ceremony - There are several babies of friends and children of family that are not being invited and i have already started spreading the word ... which may not be the right thing to do - but hopefully will help avoid RSVP issues next year...


I personally did not want kids because I do not want to be tripping over them on the dance floor - have been to several wedding where the kids take over the dance floor and makes it very hard to dance around them so I just decided no kids -

Avion22

Just because it's technically OKAY to only invite some kids, it doesn't mean that the parents won't get upset that THEY had to hire a babysitter and nobody else did.   

OP, you don't have to invite their baby.  Call them appologize for the confusion, but tell them that the invitation was only for the two of them (not the baby) and you hope they can still attend.  Realize that for some parents of babies, they can't/won't attend functions without the baby (breastfeeding mothers can't be away from the baby for that long, and many parents won't use a sitter).  You run the risk of forcing the couple to decline your invitation.  If it's worth it to you to leave this one child out, then stand your ground.  If it's really important to have this couple there, then you may have to reassess.

Just our of curiosity, why don't you want the seven-month-old?  We had three babies under 1 at our wedding, and there were absolutely no issues at all with any of them.  

Summer2011Bride

Can you clarify something: In the OP, you make it sound like this is the ONLY child who is not invited. While I think it's fine to invite some children and not others, I think this is a really tough spot to put someone in if that's the case. If you were inviting the kids of 30% of the guests but not the others, I think that's fine. I tend to think of kids at weddings like adults--I invite those I know and am close to. I know not everyone has this mindset.

BUT, I think it's kind of a slap in the face to invite everyone's child BUT this couple's. So if that's the situation, I really think you should let them bring the baby.

sarahneal

For the life of me, I will never understand the whole "I do not want kids at my wedding"  At my wedding, I bought a gift for each child, put that on their table seat, and was told every child and every parent were so excited to see that gift when they went to their table.  I also had gifts around for the kids, hoola hoops, neon glow thingy's,etc, etc.  The pictures will be amazing, the entire dance floor with hoola hoops and happy children dancing... can life be any more precious!

Sadly I can't respond to this post, because I was the total opposite. Children make the world go around, they are lovely little beings, and I couldn't have enough kids at my wedding..

sarahneal

oh and yes, a baby did cry during the ceremony, it was a beautiful thing to hear a baby cry during our ceremony

sarahneal

Okay, now I do have to ask, why are babies not welcome to your wedding?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to Re:How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?:For the life of me, I will never understand the whole "I do not want kids at my wedding"nbsp; At my wedding, I bought a gift for each child, put that on their table seat, and was told every child and every parent were so excited to see that gift when they went to their table.nbsp; I also had giftsnbsp;around for the kids, hoola hoops, neon glow thingy's,etc, etc.nbsp; The pictures will be amazing, the entire dance floor with hoola hoops and happy children dancing... can life be any more precious!Sadly I can't respond to this post, because I was the total opposite. Children make the world go around, they are lovely little beings, and I couldn't have enough kids at my wedding.. Posted by sarahneal FFS. It's super awesome that you are a fantastic loving earth mother that thinks sunshine and rainbows shine out of the asses of everyone under the age of 18, but not everyone shares your point of view, and there' s no need to be such a smug, condescending twunt about it. ETA: Posts like this chick's make me miss the pre exodus E.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-parents-that-their-baby-is-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed79d128-718e-4789-8e74-c3f07729120cPost:a2f36ff0-97ed-47b3-ac8e-a4da5f4726a1">Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]For the life of me, I will never understand the whole "I do not want kids at my wedding"  At my wedding, I bought a gift for each child, put that on their table seat, and was told every child and every parent were so excited to see that gift when they went to their table.  I also had gifts around for the kids, hoola hoops, neon glow thingy's,etc, etc.  The pictures will be amazing, the entire dance floor with hoola hoops and happy children dancing... can life be any more precious! Sadly I can't respond to this post, because I was the total opposite. Children make the world go around, they are lovely little beings, and I couldn't have enough kids at my wedding..
Posted by sarahneal[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You know some people are not big fans of kids in general, right?</div><div>
</div><div>In my case my family and friends are VERY fertile.  I have 24 first cousins who have produeced 60+ kids alone.   Add in friends who are averaging 3 kids each.  </div><div>
</div><div> Hell no. Forget the fact I don't want pay for all those extra people, but it would change the vibe of our wedding.      Different strokes for different folks.  I don't care if you have kids at your wedding, you shouldn't care I don't.  
</div>

s-aries8990

OP, how many families that are not related to yours directly are being invited with kids?

bridalmarch

When I get invited to a wedding, I don't really WANT to bring my kid. When she was still in her seat and couldn't go anywhere, sure. Now that she's running around and into everything? That's not a fun night out for me and my FI, that's parenting in a nice dress. 

Anyway, I understand the some not all thing, and if that's what's going on here, so be it. A seven month old is going to be a lot less troublesome than a 2 year old, though. It does sort of seem like this child is the only one not invited, and I think that's a little odd. 

catloverd

OP - Is there a cry room in your church? I'm assuming you don't want the baby to come because you fear it'll cry. in our church we have a cry room so if the baby starts crying they can go into that room. It's sound proof. 

If you didn't want the baby before hand, you should have addressed the invitation: "Kids older than X invited to the wedding" Or "please no kids under X"

Now it's too late and I think you have to without upsetting the couple. 

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?:[QUOTE]If you didn't want the baby before hand, you should have addressed the invitation: "Kids older than X invited to the wedding" Or "please no kids under X"Now it's too late and I think you have to without upsetting the couple.nbsp; Posted by catloverd[/QUOTE]

For the love of... no, no she shouldn't have. What she did is correct; you NEVER EVER EVER point out who isn't invited on an invite. It is completely and utterly rude to write anything like "no children" on the invite. Please stop giving advice if you are not going to verse yourself in proper etiquette.

Maggie0829

OP, did you have a cut off age of 2 or younger are not invited?  Beacause that is what I am getting from your post.  I could be wrong but that is the way I am reading it.

What is your reason for not inviting this one child?  Is it because of the age limit you set?  If so, you are etiquettely correct but the parents could still be upset.  If it is because you don't want a baby crying at your wedding, well you can't control any child or what they do.  Heck a five year old could break out in wailing crys during your ceremony.

kaos16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-parents-that-their-baby-is-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed79d128-718e-4789-8e74-c3f07729120cPost:a2f36ff0-97ed-47b3-ac8e-a4da5f4726a1">Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]For the life of me, I will never understand the whole "I do not want kids at my wedding"  At my wedding, I bought a gift for each child, put that on their table seat, and was told every child and every parent were so excited to see that gift when they went to their table.  I also had gifts around for the kids, hoola hoops, neon glow thingy's,etc, etc.  The pictures will be amazing, the entire dance floor with hoola hoops and happy children dancing... can life be any more precious! Sadly I can't respond to this post, because I was the total opposite. Children make the world go around, they are lovely little beings, and I couldn't have enough kids at my wedding..
Posted by sarahneal[/QUOTE]

Posts like this annoy me.  I love kids, I think they are fabulous and adorable and funny and wonderful and all that good stuff. . . . With that being said, I don't think that kids need to be included in every single event or function a parent attends. 

Certain restaurants aren't kid friendly.  I wouldn't take a young child to a concert.  There are plenty of places that are either more enjoyable without kids, or that are just not really appropriate for kids.  I, for one, am not a fan of children at weddings.  Is it the parents' choice to decide if they want to attend functions where their child isn't invited?  Of course.  Should a bride get butt hurt when a couple chooses to decline because their kid isn't invited?  Of course not!

To OP- I too am a little confused by your child cut-off.  It really seems like you are saying all children are invited except this one.  2 years old is a confusing cutoff to me.  What's to say a 3 1/2 year old wouldn't act up in a similar fashion as a 2 year old.  I have seen people who make the child cutoff at 10 or 18. .  . . I don't get 2.  My husband and I had no kids at all at our wedding.

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-parents-that-their-baby-is-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed79d128-718e-4789-8e74-c3f07729120cPost:b0e8905f-30e8-4f4f-8a85-3b0cf49c925d">Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]oh and yes, a baby did cry during the ceremony, it was a beautiful thing to hear a baby cry during our ceremony :)
Posted by sarahneal[/QUOTE]

The sound of a baby crying is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I'm sorry my ovaries aren't as hyped up as yours.

It's all well and good that you turned your wedding reception into a fancy version of Chuck-E-Cheese, but (to me) weddings are not about children. They are about family, yes, but that doesn't mean I'm going to turn it into a Disney Rave for the sake of the children. If I saw a bunch of shrieking kids with hula hoops taking over the dance floor, I'd be out of there PRONTO.

We are not inviting kids because our venue is formal with a high risk of expensive things getting damaged (it's a planetarium). Additionally, it's on Lake Michigan, with a drop from the outdoor area right into the cold, deep lake, and I don't want to spend the evening worrying about a kid getting too close to the edge of the lawn.

courtski2004

OP, I was in a similar situation where a couple sent their RSVP in, but with no mention of their 6 month old. My friend called the Monday prior to our wedding to see if it was okay that he and his wife bring their daughter. It was difficult to tell him that we unfortunately couldn't accomodate her. They ended up not coming, but that is just how it goes.

kmmssg

OP - you could get a LOT more help (not that you haven't had any already) if you would come back and explain why you don't want to invite this particular child.  Your post makes it sound like you are singling this kid out.

On the topic of inviting kids in general, they are like any other class of guests.  You don't invite all your coworkers, neighbors, and church family - you also do NOT have to invite all kids.  Do parents get pissed off?  Yes.  Are they in the wrong?  Yes.

When one of our girls is getting married we are NOT inviting their coworkers kids that we don't even know.  We already have to make painful cuts in the "wish I could invite" category.  We aren't inviting a kid we don't know and pushing someone else we want off the list.  Again, yes parents get pissed, but they are the ones in the wrong.

Last DD had a no kid wedding.  It was very nice - even though my fabulous 6 grandkids were not there, it was wonderful.  

PJSPJS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-parents-that-their-baby-is-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed79d128-718e-4789-8e74-c3f07729120cPost:b5dd47cd-6007-4856-8d7e-7abbc59a65b1">Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding? : <strong>The sound of a baby crying is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I'm sorry my ovaries aren't as hyped up as yours. It's all well and good that you turned your wedding reception into a fancy version of Chuck-E-Cheese, but (to me) weddings are not about children.</strong> They are about family, yes, but that doesn't mean I'm going to turn it into a Disney Rave for the sake of the children. 
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]<div>Amen, wrigleyville!

</div>

artbyallie

I think it's weird to invite kids but not babies. That's my take on this. IMO, kids can be way more disruptive than babies if that's your reasoning.

Apparently a baby cried at our ceremony. I didn't notice and my videographer cut the sound out of the video for that second or two.

And I agree with the PPs who said it's odd and rude to invite all children except this one.

Kate61487

I, too, am very confused by the under 2 cutoff.  a 7 month old (who's not old enough to walk and get into things) would, I believe, be much less bothersome than a 3yo who's running in four directions at once.  I'd re-assess your reasoning on not wanting this kid in attendance and probably just let this one go, OP.

If you decide to stick to your guns then do as Crash said.  But I imagine they'll be, understandably, upset when they arrive and see toddlers running around while they had to get a sitter.

Jen4948

I think you can set any policies about babies and children at your wedding that you want to.

Etiquette does not hold that they are "social units" that must be invited with their parents or with all siblings.  Certainly relationships might suffer if you choose not to invite someone's child for whatever reason, but that's not a matter of etiquette.  If someone gets pissed off because you're not inviting their child, they're the ones being rude.  They do have the right to decline the invitation if their child isn't invited, but you don't have to make that your problem.

That said, it is certainly a kindness to invite children, but nothing requires it.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-parents-that-their-baby-is-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed79d128-718e-4789-8e74-c3f07729120cPost:ba513a66-6048-4f84-ac5d-35b12d205225">Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, now I do have to ask, why are babies not welcome to your wedding?
Posted by sarahneal[/QUOTE]

I don't think that's anyone's business but perriks's.  If someone doesn't want to invite babies to their wedding, that's their prerogative.

Some people just aren't into babies and don't think the sound of crying is "beautiful" or want to hear it at a wedding.  I happen to be one of them.  I have nieces, nephews, and cousins whom I love, but I don't want to hear them crying at my wedding, sorry.  Etiquette doesn't require that babies or small children be invited.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-parents-that-their-baby-is-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed79d128-718e-4789-8e74-c3f07729120cPost:ed3c58f3-ad13-4e20-a04a-dac86ca6503d">Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding? : <strong>I don't think that's anyone's business but perriks's</strong>.  If someone doesn't want to invite babies to their wedding, that's their prerogative. Some people just aren't into babies and don't think the sound of crying is "beautiful" or want to hear it at a wedding.  I happen to be one of them.  I have nieces, nephews, and cousins whom I love, but I don't want to hear them crying at my wedding, sorry.  Etiquette doesn't require that babies or small children be invited.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]
Not when she's asking for advice on a public forum. <div>
</div>

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-tell-parents-that-their-baby-is-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed79d128-718e-4789-8e74-c3f07729120cPost:c0ba03b4-2ed4-41a3-9ced-6869747e07ca">Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I tell parents that their baby is not invited to the wedding? : Not when she's asking for advice on a public forum. 
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

I disagree.  Perriks' posting that she doesn't want babies in attendance doesn't require that she give a reason, and in any case, her reason could be any or all of the following:

1) Costs too much
2) Loud music and other noise
3) Venue rules
4) Fragile and/or dangerous items in the area
5) Not wanting to hear babies crying during the ceremony
6) No babysitters available/parents won't supervise
7) Health issues
8) Too much positive attention given to babies
9) Other guests don't like them for whatever reason
10) Fertility issues of one's own

Those are probably the most likely reasons anyone doesn't want babies at their wedding.  I don't think asking for advice in a forum requires anyone to disclose it.