What should I do

sdusel

HELP!!!! Please be honest and I hope someone can give me some advice :-(

My fiancée and I began to work on our master list for our wedding. Both our parents had given us their list of who they would like invited,  we began going thru to make one complete list with everybody on it.  My fiancé Jason was unsure of who one person who was on his parents list, he called his mom it turns out it was some forgotten Aunt. As Jason talked to his mom he told her we were inviting his three 2nd cousins, 2 of which we go out with once a month for dinner and such. The third is a sibling of one of the others, who does spend time with us just not as regularly. Jason’s mom than told him he could not invite them because we were not inviting the rest of the 2nd cousins on his moms side. It turned into a big fight because my fiancée and I believe we should be able to invite who we want. The next day Jason went over to talk to his mom to try and come up with a solution but things only got worse. When his mom realized that we had invited 2nd cousins on my family she went ballistic.  Where my problem with all of this is, my 2nd cousins who were inviting I am extremely close with.  I invite them to our daughter's birthday and celebrate the holidays with them. Not to mention  that my fiancée and I have been engaged for 6 months she gave us this list about 3 months ago and since that time I can count at least 10 times I asked her if she had anybody else to invite. Even my mom and my fiancée can remember times of asking her if she was anybody else.  My future mother in law kept denying and saying there was nobody else but now she wants to add 20-40 people more and half of them are 16 and younger. The other part that bugs me is that my future in laws is not paying for any part of the wedding. My parents are paying for everything except the alcohol and rehearsal dinner which my fiancée and I are paying for. Right now there is a lot of tension between everybody; I don't know what to do! Should I just suck it up and let his mom add who she wants?  Does anybody have suggestions???

JanoBean75

Figure out how many guests your budget can cover and divide by three. You & FI get a third, your parents a third, and his parents a third.

And if she adds more than is allotted, your FI should tell her she will need to cut her list or he will do it.

lyndausvi

From the sounds of things you are being accommodating.    

Just curious how does her list compare to your family's side?  

There is no rule that says because you invited your 2nd cousins, he has to invite his.  I think it's perfectly fine to say  "our must invites extend to 1st cousins.  2nd and beyond are on a case-by-case basis".  

For example:   My family is huge so I cut mine at 1st cousins, with a couple of 2nd exceptions because we are close to them.  On DH's side we invited to like 3rd cousins because he is close to them.  Plus his side still was half of my side.

HockeyFan4

I think your Fiance's 2nd cousins and yours fall more into friend category than family.  Yes it is typically suggested to invite in circles, but you need to know your crowd.  In my family I have 1st cousins that I have not seen since I was about 6 years old...yet I had second cousins who I see all the time.  My parents agreed with my decision, however. 

Your FI needs to talk some more with his mom.  Reinforce the idea that these 2nd cousins are like friends.  His mom is probably worried about feelings being hurt.  If her fear is grounded, you should probably look at adding these additional 2nd cousins.

It is a tough position to be in, but ultimately your parents (because they are paying), you and your FI have the final decision.

sdusel

My family is more than hers. I would say the difference is probably about 50 people, but  my dad is 1 of 9 and my mom is 1 of 4. While his mom only has a sister and his dad only has 2 other sibilings. In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-should-i-do-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eed914e6-983e-4646-afae-f1d1de4cbc9aPost:78db3fbc-9c93-4fb2-8837-e5e8bf61caf3">Re: What should I do</a>:
[QUOTE]From the sounds of things you are being accommodating.     Just curious how does her list compare to your family's side?   There is no rule that says because you invited your 2nd cousins, he has to invite his.  I think it's perfectly fine to say  "our must invites extend to 1st cousins.  2nd and beyond are on a case-by-case basis".   For example:   My family is huge so I cut mine at 1st cousins, with a couple of 2nd exceptions because we are close to them.  On DH's side we invited to like 3rd cousins because he is close to them.  Plus his side still was half of my side.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-should-i-do-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eed914e6-983e-4646-afae-f1d1de4cbc9aPost:fabbd2cd-8556-4c2b-b2a5-c3493f2903d5">Re: What should I do</a>:
[QUOTE]My family is more than hers. I would say the difference is probably about 50 people, but  my dad is 1 of 9 and my mom is 1 of 4. While his mom only has a sister and his dad only has 2 other sibilings. In Response to Re: What should I do :
Posted by sdusel[/QUOTE]

<div>Are they paying?</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds like FMIL wants to make things more 'even'.  Which is silly.  I would have your FI explain that just because your side is larger that is not a good enough reason to just start inviting people he doesn't know only to "fill up" his side.</div>

willywally5

I concur with Lynda; it sounds like FMIL just wants things 'even', which is silly. First of all, one family is bigger than the other. Doesn't mean more important, just means there are more of them. And, making things 'even' at the expense of not inviting people the bride/groom really want there is selfish and ridiculous of her. What is she worried about? It's not a contest to see which familly has more people there. 

Loopyseven

I agree with Hockey - the 2nd cousins are being invited due to their being friends, not due to the family relationship.

I agree with Wally that the sides don't have to be even.

Strangers aren't going to go up to each other and compare notes on who got invited from what family "tier" on each side.  They're going to talk to the other people they know there and socialize and have a good time.  We invited my 1st cousins, but not H's (he's got like 30 of them, they're all married, and they are not close).  His family probably thought my cousins were friends of ours since we are all fairly close in age - IF they even thought about it at all.

At the end of the day, he who pays sets the limit on the number of guests, and as long as you're not splitting up SO's or some other horribly rude invitation gaffe, I think the B&G can veto parents lists within reason.  My parents gave me a list of 7 or 8 couples they wanted me to "courtesy invite".  I invited two of them cause they made sense and I had known them quite well when younger, and told them we couldn't afford the other 4 couples - members of my parents church group, but I'd never even met them as I moved 8 hours away 10 years ago and our paths had never crossed on any of my visits home. 

arendiva

I think you have already gone above and beyond by repeatedly asking her if she wants to invite anyone. If she is only wanting to add these extra 20-40 people to even up the sides than there is no reason to accomodate her. She is being silly. These people obviously aren't important to her otherwise she would have suggested them in the first place. She will get over this.

s-aries8990

No pay no say! You gave plenty of opportunity to add to the guest list!

As PPs stated, even though they're cousins, they are in the friend category. If your FI doesn't want them there, they don't need to be and if they were that important, they would alredy be on the list. Good luck!