Wedding Etiquette Forum

My brother's mother-in-law problem

Hi all-

My fiance and I are getting married this June.  We sent out invitations a little over a week ago.  Tonight, I heard from my mom that my brother's mother-in-law has realized that she was not invited and that her feelings are hurt.  My mom suggested that since some of my fiance's family can't attend, we should invite my brother's mother-in-law.  I'm hoping maybe someone out there can help me sort this out.

For a bit of context, we see my brother's mother-in-law at Christmas and sometimes Easter now that my brother has young children.  But I don't know her very well aside from those occasions and I don't consider her part of my family.  Also, maybe this doesn't matter, but I don't particularly like her.

On top of that, my brother does not get along with her very well (he tries).  She is a fairly stressful woman for both my brother and my sister-in-law and she would probably invite herself to stay with them, stressing them out even more.  Since my brother, his wife, my niece and nephew are ushers, bridesmaids and flower girl and ring bearer respectively, I feel like I've already given them enough to worry about.  I'd really like my brother's family to be able to have a good time and I don't think that will be possible if my brother's mother-in-law is there.  And to be honest, I don't want to have to deal with their mother-in-law drama during our wedding.

At this point she already knows she wasn't initially invited and I don't think that can be undone.  I'm still hesitant to add her in now but I am feeling pressured to do so.  What do you think I should do?

-Sarah

Re: My brother's mother-in-law problem

  • Aw, your mom is too sweet, to worry about the woman's hurt feelings. 

    But you are not obligated to invite her, you don't want her there, and your brother does not want her there.  "Sorry, we had limited space and resources, and could not invite everyone we know".
  • Spoke with my mom again.  She seems to think that we could send an invite to my brother's mother-in-law and she would never know that she wasn't originally invited.  I don't know if this really changes anything. 

    I'm planning on speaking with my sister-in-law tomorrow about this to hear her thoughts.  Evidentally my brother finds this whole kurfufle HILARIOUS (and I got to say the absurdity has me agreeing if only I weren't a part of it).

    Mom is worried that now this whole invite fiasco could ruin Christmases-to-come (Some senerio where brother's mother-in-law refuses to have Christmas at brother's house, insists they go over to her house and my parent's can't have Christmas with their grandkids). So now our wedding is Scrooge?  Besides I don't think she'd really do something like that and I don't think that my brother's family having Christmas at his mother-in-law's is so terrible (and that's really up to them...).

    My fiance is with me on the not inviting her front... but my parent's are paying.  I don't think they would make a big point of it though.

    Urg!  Just thought I'd update everyone... thanks for the input so far.  Hopefully it will all be resolved by tomorrow.

    -Sarah
  • if your parents are paying and they want her there, invite her.
  • You mentioned neice and nephew are flowergirl and ring bearer, and your brother and wife are also a part of your wedding.  If you personally aren't that close to her, my bet is that seeing her little grandkids (all  dressed up and adorable) in your wedding is the reason she wants to attend so badly. 

    If your mom is worried about the repercussions of not inviting her (rational or not), I might suggest giving in to ease her anxiety.  Paticularly if it doesn't really cause you any personal grief. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brothers-mother-law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef712bd8-7942-41ab-810c-a35d6e21f037Post:39588a59-0b40-4572-84b0-1c69dbf84786">Re: My brother's mother-in-law problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]You mentioned neice and nephew are flowergirl and ring bearer, and your brother and wife are also a part of your wedding.  If you personally aren't that close to her, my bet is that seeing her little grandkids (all  dressed up and adorable) in your wedding is the reason she wants to attend so badly. 
    Posted by christen80[/QUOTE]

    This was my thought as well.
    I know that my parents always wanted to see my kids in any event they were in.
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