MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING

vweinberger

Help ladies!  I have a  MOG that wants to be involved in absolutely EVERYTHING, but the problem is, she isn't contributing a dime to anything and when I do include her on anything the topic is always revolving around how much things cost.  I am very fortunate to have parents willing to foot the bill (even for the parts that the groom's family should be contributing to), and I feel like it turns a fun event like planning a wedding into something as painful as doing taxes!  But MOG is super upset anytime I don't invite her to an appointment.  What do I do? Thanks for the help!

annakb8

Just don't talk to her about wedding stuff. Change the subject or say "thanks for the suggestion, but we already have that taken care of."  I mean, what is she going to do? Pout and stamp her feet? I'd invite her to a dress fitting or something to appease her then just go along your merry way.

I also suggest living 1000 miles away from your MIL. That's what's really done the trick for me.

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:be57751e-3a83-492b-b28a-75163fd9c51b">MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]Help ladies!  I have a  MOG that wants to be involved in absolutely EVERYTHING, but <strong>the problem is, she isn't contributing a dime to anything and when I do include her on anything the topic is always revolving around how much things cost. </strong> I am very fortunate to have parents willing to foot the bill (<strong>even for the parts that the groom's family should be contributing to</strong>), and I feel like it turns a fun event like planning a wedding into something as painful as doing taxes!  But MOG is super upset anytime I don't invite her to an appointment.  What do I do? Thanks for the help! :)
Posted by vweinberger[/QUOTE]

Imma make a list.

1. Her not contributing a dime to anything is not a "problem." It just is what it is. If you don't want to talk to her about it because of that, you're being petty, but you can always just change the subject. Someone will come along after me and better explain "bean-dipping."

2. The only people who "should" be contributing are you and your FI. No one HAS to contribute to anything.

You should feel happy that you have a MOG who wants to be as involved as she does. It probably means she likes you and is excited. Stop throwing your feelings about her lack of contribution into the mix.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:be57751e-3a83-492b-b28a-75163fd9c51b">MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]Help ladies!  I have a  MOG that wants to be involved in absolutely EVERYTHING, but the problem is, she isn't contributing a dime to anything and when I do include her on anything the topic is always revolving around how much things cost.  I am very fortunate to have parents willing to foot the bill <strong>(even for the parts that the groom's family should be contributing to),</strong> and I feel like it turns a fun event like planning a wedding into something as painful as doing taxes!  But MOG is super upset anytime I don't invite her to an appointment.  What do I do? Thanks for the help! :)
Posted by vweinberger[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Would it really kill you to ask her along to <em>something?</em> I mean yeah, you're right, she doesn't have to come along to everything and I get that you may want to have a few appointments such as your dress shopping with just your mom or MOH, but maybe ask her along to something not as big of a deal to you? </div><div>
</div><div>Just because she isn't paying doesn't mean you should necessarily bar her from everything you do. If she makes suggestions or comments about things you have chosen, just say, "Thanks, but we have that taken care of. Have you seen this new show on ABC?" </div><div>
</div><div>As for the bolded part, there are no things his family "should" be paying for. Those days are over. You and your FI should plan the wedding you can afford and not rely on the help of others. If someone offers, great, but they are under NO obligation to pay for your wedding. </div><div>
</div>

Matty143

I love my MIL and I did involve her as much as I could. She came to the meeting with the florist, a dress fitting and the menu/ cake tasting.
Not everything she (or my mom) suggested made it into our final plans though.

I would suggest that you change the subject when she brings up the cost. If they aren't paying she really shouldn't be asking about the costs.

Good luck!

annakb8

Guys, if she didn't include the part about her MIL not contributing everyone's first question would be "Well who is paying?"

Give it a rest.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:be57751e-3a83-492b-b28a-75163fd9c51b">MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]Help ladies!  I have a  MOG that wants to be involved in absolutely EVERYTHING, but the problem is, she isn't contributing a dime to anything and when I do include her on anything the topic is always revolving around how much things cost.  I am very fortunate to have parents willing to foot the bill (<strong>even for the parts that the groom's family should be contributing to</strong>), and I feel like it turns a fun event like planning a wedding into something as painful as doing taxes!  But MOG is super upset anytime I don't invite her to an appointment.  What do I do? Thanks for the help! :)
Posted by vweinberger[/QUOTE]

There is nothing that either set of parents <em>should</em> be contributing too. There's an assumption when you get married that you can support yourself and that means paying for any parties you should choose to have. Your parents' contribution is lovely, but by no means required. Somehow I have a feeling you hold some animosity over this. You shouldn't; it comes across as wildly spoiled.

There's no reason your FMIL needs to know how much anything costs -- If she brings up cost of any kind you can simply tell her that you're uncomfortable speaking about money, but I do think it's nice of her to want to be involved and you should do what you can to include her when you can -- it will <em>definitely</em> pay dividends in the long run.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:344cb5c2-870d-4176-941b-98615c5cc3f7">Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys, if she didn't include the part about her MIL not contributing everyone's first question would be "Well who is paying?" Give it a rest.
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

Anna, I think it's this line:

(<strong>even for the parts that the groom's family should be contributing to</strong>),

that's causing people to give the side eye.

annakb8

Yeah, I saw it. I think she was just clarifying. And she said she was lucky to have parents that are paying for her wedding, so she knows it's not a given.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:456ccb92-84b1-4b68-8938-b84e48b0cba7">Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING : Anna, I think it's this line: ( even for the parts that the groom's family should be contributing to ), that's causing people to give the side eye.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]


Yep! That was my thought too.  I got the impression that OP would be welcoming her FMIL's ideas if FMIL was actually contributing monetarily.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:91e3fc65-dd0f-4ebb-86b9-caf4313d73d1">Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]Just don't talk to her about wedding stuff. Change the subject or say "thanks for the suggestion, but we already have that taken care of."  I mean, what is she going to do? Pout and stamp her feet? I'd invite her to a dress fitting or something to appease her then just go along your merry way.<strong> I also suggest living 1000 miles away from your MIL.</strong> That's what's really done the trick for me.
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]
That works for me too! Plus, mine speaks French only...and I don't. That always helps things.<div>
</div><div>Like PP said, don't tell her anything. Invite her along 1-2 things just so she can't say you don't invite her to anything. If she starts getting out of hand, have your FI handle it. It's his mom.</div>

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:232daf77-19dc-4891-bbd5-ae0e72efa944">Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING : Yep! That was my thought too.  I got the impression that OP would be welcoming her FMIL's ideas if FMIL was actually contributing monetarily.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. I got an entitled vibe, but I still wasn't mean. 

</div>

annakb8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:52cb7dab-5ecd-4dd2-8575-d229347f3789">Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING : Anna, you're my hero today.  <strong>ZOMG NO ONE IS REQUIRED TO PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING!!!!111!!!!1!!!</strong>
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

You might want to repeat that Eagles. I'm not sure OP got the message yet.

StephBeanWed61502

I avoid this problem by only going to appointments with my FI... when asked "hey, do you want/need us to tag along to the floral/DJ/venue/whatever appointment?" we stick to "oh that's sweet of you to offer, but we're keeping it just us - we'll let you know what we decide!"  Then I send them links/pics on FB letting them know what FI and I have already picked out.  I guess it helps that we're the only ones paying for our wedding, so we don't have to worry about including the check-writer at every appointment, since we're the only check-writers.  I feel like, by keeping it just us, we've avoided lots of hurt feelings, since we're not favoring one set of parents over another.

That said, this strikes me as a fairness issue - I am assuming your parents get to come to everything, so why shouldn't she be included as well?  It's her child's wedding too, whether she's paying or not.  I would be mighty hurt if my kid was getting married and I got excluded from the entire process just because I didn't whip out my checkbook.  As for her comments about money, I'd respond with a simple "Thanks for your concern, but we've got that part covered.  What do you think about using dahlias instead of roses?"

Ciardasully

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:344cb5c2-870d-4176-941b-98615c5cc3f7">Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys, if she didn't include the part about her MIL not contributing everyone's first question would be "Well who is paying?" Give it a rest.
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

Stina2012

I don't think you HAVE to involve her in anything, especially since she is not paying. If she was paying she would get some say in the planning. That is what happens with money, when you give money you get some say in how it is spent. Now, if you enjoyed her company then you could include her if you WANTED to include her, not a given. Heck, I know my Mom drives me crazy with her "suggestions" and sometimes more opinions is not merrier. But, a good solution to involve her (if she asks to be involved or asks if there's anything she can do) is to let her offer her help and throw a few ideas out there about planning items that don't fire you up. My Mom will be doing place cards on her Cricut, it's something that doesn't fire me up and she's helping so she's happy.

lopezalonso

I skipped some of the other posts so I'm sorry if I am being redundant. I think that you can invite her to some things but you can make the excuse that your mom really wants the other events to be planned just between the two of you. I think it is best to be careful because planning a wedding is stressful and you don't want to push yourself to the point that you get so mad and snap at your FMIL. 

cindyn9178

I guess I am pretty lucky in that I get along with my MIL very well. My in-laws did give us some money towards the wedding, but not for specific things. She never once asked about joining us in the planning and left things completely up to us (my parents also very generously paid for the majority of everything else).  We visited venues by ourselves and when we found one we really liked, we brought my parents there to see it, since they were paying for it and then signed the contract. We met with and booked all of our other vendors on our own. I invited MIL when I went to try on gowns, but she lives an hour away so it was hard for her to make it to any of the appointments.
Had she asked if we wanted her to come with us or be involved, since they did contribute some money, I think we would've included them in some way.

 That being said, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth when someone offers to pay for something but then wants to control what the money is used for, like with strings attached. If someone is going to be generous enough to pay for some wedding items, that is wonderful and would be greatly appreciated, but if they are going to force their opinions on us, and not let us spend the money the way that we want/for the vendors/items that we want, then I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting the money at all.

For example, if you give someone money for their birthday, that doesn't mean you get to go shopping with them and tell them what they can and cannot spend the money on, so the same thing should apply to a wedding. The money is a gift. Not a way to control the decisions.

vweinberger

i appreciate the construstive feedback, but i feel a lot of people are misunderstanding my point.  The money is not a problem, but I feel that worrying about the prices of things are not her business if she is not paying for it.  I have gone out of my way to invite her to dress appts, venue appts, etc but they all seem to blow up into "OMG you are spending THAT much?"  and it turns into a money war.  And even though she knows everything that's going on in the wedding from the flowers to the invitations to the dj to the votive candles on the tables, she still feels like she is just a guest at her son's wedding.  So i've included her in things, whether she is invited to the appointment or not i've come to her right after gabbing about what happened at the appointment.  So i don't know what to do:  do i keep inviting her and continue to have to fight every appt over every penny my parents spend, or do i just let her stay mad and get over it?

vweinberger

nothing that I wrote was bolded, that happened after i submitted the post. the money is not the problem, the treatment of me and my family is the problem

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mog-wants-involved-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0f922e6-84ee-45f6-9f3a-7fac8c8d129cPost:330b1213-1267-44d8-a539-3dbf567528d1">Re: MOG wants to be involved in EVERYTHING</a>:
[QUOTE]nothing that I wrote was bolded, that happened after i submitted the post. the money is not the problem, the treatment of me and my family is the problem
Posted by vweinberger[/QUOTE]

For goodness' sake, just bean-dip the woman when she brings up prices.  It's not that hard.

MOG:  OH EM GEE!  You're spending <a href="mailto:$!$SADF!@#!@#!@#$" rel="nofollow">$!$SADF!@#!@#!@#$</a> on a CAKE!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOS!!!!!!
You:  Well yes, that's what the cake costs (in a calm and rational tone).
MOG:  BUT NO!!!! SPENDING = BAD!!!!! THIS CAKE PRICE IS THE DEVIL AHHHHHH!!!!
You:  (still in a calm and rational tone) Thanks for your input.  Have you tried this delicious bean dip?
MOG: CAKES MONEY BLARGH RAH CAKES
You:  It's really very good bean dip, you know.

Continue as needed.