Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok

AJuliaNJ

My mother seems to think she is going to be the star of the day. She is going this weekend to put her deposit on a dress that is more expensive than my gown. She  keeps repeating that she is "the second most important person at the wedding." She is making demands regarding picking her dress before my MIL, and which order she should go in for makeup/hair (right before me so her makeup is the freshest because, again, she is the "second most important person at the wedding.") I just don't understand this sense of entitlement. I have been trying to ignore it, but it's really irking my fiance now as well. We have kept her away from our vendors thus far, but I am really concerned she is going to bring this diva attitude to our wedding and tell our vendors to do things we didn't tell them to do or monopolize our video footage. I'm also afraid she might give an unauthorized speech or do something else to make it seem like she is hosting the event (which she is not). Do I need to have a talk with her or should I just trust that everything will be okay the day of the wedding?

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issue-please-tell-me-its-going-to-be-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0fffddf-7f90-47fc-ab59-d5907e193ae7Post:bb75df93-3917-48e7-80f8-6e82e5c26c70">Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok</a>:
[QUOTE]My mother seems to think she is going to be the star of the day. She is going this weekend to put her deposit on a dress that is more expensive than my gown. She  keeps repeating that she is "the second most important person at the wedding." She is making demands regarding picking her dress before my MIL, and which order she should go in for makeup/hair (right before me so her makeup is the freshest because, again, she is the "second most important person at the wedding.") I just don't understand this sense of entitlement. I have been trying to ignore it, but it's really irking my fiance now as well. We have kept her away from our vendors thus far, but I am really concerned she is going to bring this diva attitude to our wedding and tell our vendors to do things we didn't tell them to do or monopolize our video footage. I'm also afraid she might give an unauthorized speech or do something else to make it seem like she is hosting the event (which she is not). Do I need to have a talk with her or should I just trust that everything will be okay the day of the wedding?
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]

Well, I certainly won't tell you that it's going to be "ok", cuz this doesn't sound good.  First thing... when she says she is the second most important person at the wedding, I would probably correct her and say the two most important people at the wedding are you and your fiance. And you are equally important.

As far as the rest of the stuff goes, is she paying for the wedding?  (hosting and paying are not always the same thing)  When people pay, they will sometimes think they can do what they want.  You should tell her to get her dress whenever she wants to. And you should keep your nose out of how much her dress costs. It's none of your business. Unless she wants to show up in a white gown, I would let that go. 

For makeup and hair, I would tell her that she is going before all of the wedding party.  If she wants it "fresher", she is welcome to schedule her own stylist.

The longer you ignore the comments, the more likely it is that she will continue making them. You might not have to have a sit down with her, but I would start at least responding to the comments.  Burying your head clearly isn't going to stop her.

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issue-please-tell-me-its-going-to-be-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0fffddf-7f90-47fc-ab59-d5907e193ae7Post:3b0b88de-4ab5-4009-8579-1402bc172048">Re: Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok : Well, I certainly won't tell you that it's going to be "ok", cuz this doesn't sound good.  First thing... when she says she is the second most important person at the wedding, I would probably correct her and say the two most important people at the wedding are you and your fiance. And you are equally important. <strong>As far as the rest of the stuff goes, is she paying for the wedding?</strong>  (hosting and paying are not always the same thing)  When people pay, they will sometimes think they can do what they want.  You should tell her to get her dress whenever she wants to. <strong>And you should keep your nose out of how much her dress costs. It's none of your business.</strong> Unless she wants to show up in a white gown, I would let that go.  For makeup and hair, I would tell her that she is going before all of the wedding party.  If she wants it "fresher", she is welcome to schedule her own stylist. The longer you ignore the comments, the more likely it is that she will continue making them. You might not have to have a sit down with her, but I would start at least responding to the comments.  Burying your head clearly isn't going to stop her.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

No, she is not paying at all. In fact, she was demanding we invite these friends of hers I don't even know and wouldn't have invited otherwise so we agreed to a few of them, and told her she would have to either cut the rest or pay for them. She agreed to pay for them and then never did. We sent the STD's and now are stuck with the bill.  That is why it annoys me that she is spending so much on a dress. The dollar amount was freely offered by her. I didn't ask. It also annoys me because it further demonstrates how big of a deal she thinks she is to this wedding.

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issue-please-tell-me-its-going-to-be-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0fffddf-7f90-47fc-ab59-d5907e193ae7Post:bb75df93-3917-48e7-80f8-6e82e5c26c70">Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok</a>:
[QUOTE]My mother seems to think she is going to be the star of the day. She is going this weekend to put her deposit on a dress that is more expensive than my gown. She  keeps repeating that she is "the second most important person at the wedding." She is making demands regarding picking her dress before my MIL, and which order she should go in for makeup/hair (right before me so her makeup is the freshest because, again, she is the "second most important person at the wedding.") I just don't understand this sense of entitlement. I have been trying to ignore it, but it's really irking my fiance now as well. We have kept her away from our vendors thus far, but I am really concerned she is going to bring this diva attitude to our wedding and tell our vendors to do things we didn't tell them to do or monopolize our video footage. I'm also afraid she might give an unauthorized speech or do something else to make it seem like she is hosting the event (which she is not). Do I need to have a talk with her or should I just trust that everything will be okay the day of the wedding?
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]

<div>Remember: no one is going to confuse your mother with the woman in the white dress. Even though your mom feels/acts like she'll be the star of the day, your guests will know she's not. It also doesn't matter if her dress costs more, as long as she feels beautiful in it. </div><div>
</div><div>Let your vendors know that she is not authorized to make any changes to anything whatsoever. Same for the DJ; give him a list of people making speeches and tell him no one else is to be given access to the mic.</div><div>
</div><div>You don't need to have a talk with her about her behaviour, but to make your life easier stop talking to her about the wedding. As for her demands re: the dress she's already putting a deposit down so it doesn't matter if FMIL get's hers now or later and you can let her know that the MUA will decide the order of people getting their makup done.</div><div>
</div><div>I know it's hard to ignore it, but that's really all you can do.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Ditto what cmgilpin said about correcting her about who the most important people are!</div>

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issue-please-tell-me-its-going-to-be-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0fffddf-7f90-47fc-ab59-d5907e193ae7Post:024982fa-a536-477f-b838-79c0a7666e20">Re: Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok : No, she is not paying at all. In fact, she was demanding we invite these friends of hers I don't even know and wouldn't have invited otherwise so we agreed to a few of them, and told her she would have to either cut the rest or pay for them. She agreed to pay for them and then never did. We sent the STD's and now are stuck with the bill.  That is why it annoys me that she is spending so much on a dress. The dollar amount was freely offered by her. I didn't ask. It also annoys me because it further demonstrates how big of a deal she thinks she is to this wedding.
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]

Oh, yeah. I would be MAD about her not paying for her guests.  I assume you have followed up with her on that, but if not, I would do so again.  I wouldn't connect it to her dress purchase. But, you could say something like "Hey mom.  Now that the wedding is getting closer, I am going to need X dollars for the guests you added to the guest list. 

Simply Fated

Talk to your vendors about only taking directions from you or fiance. Warn them that your mom is a drama queen. Surely they've seen all this before and I'm sure they know how to handle it.

I would absolutely ignore her demands.
Are you getting your hair and make-up done at a place? Is there a way to book two stylists, so she can go do her own thing with her own person?

AJuliaNJ

Thanks! I love everyone's ideas of talking to the vendors. I also have a planner so I can probably enlist her help. I just don't want my mother taking credit for our event that we've put so much time, energy, and money into. I also don't want to get back our photos and video and see her in 90% of them.

shanding4787

She sounds like my FMIL. She's made all kinds of crazy demands including wanting to sing at the ceremony while she was walking down the aisle. I told her she could sing from the back of the church before she walked down the aisle and she told me that was dumb, then no one could see her. Her entire outfit also cost more than mine does.

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issue-please-tell-me-its-going-to-be-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0fffddf-7f90-47fc-ab59-d5907e193ae7Post:bd8ee86f-c422-4056-a8f5-0af0fc3a1a65">Re: Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok</a>:
[QUOTE]She sounds like my FMIL. She's made all kinds of crazy demands including wanting to sing at the ceremony while she was walking down the aisle. I told her she could sing from the back of the church before she walked down the aisle and she told me that was dumb, then no one could see her. Her entire outfit also cost more than mine does.
Posted by shanding4787[/QUOTE]

Wow...how have you and your fiance been managing her demands? I would freak out if my mom wanted to come down the aisle singing.

kmmssg

I'm a MOB and MOB's like this push my buttons.  Especially when they play diva and aren't even hosting.

This would have to be a total bluff (you sent STD's so you need to invite her friends) but do you dare tell her that if she doesn't pay up for those extra people she agreed to pay for you won't be sending their invitations?

Is she always like this?  There are those who will say to ignore her and that may be a good idea.  I would have to set a couple of boundaries with her and have a small come to Jesus chat because her behavior and attitude of entitlement need to be knocked down a peg.  Only you can decide how you need to handle her.  You know what her "norm" is.  If she is always like  this, I am so sorry.

I would have to tell her that you and FI are the two most important people at the wedding and she and MOG are honored guests of equal stature.  I think I am going off here because it is touching a nerve.  I just wouldn't be able to ignore her.

Sierra524

My mother is the same exact way. Shes def a momzilla. I just try to ignore it and keep in mind that this is just how she is on a normal, daily basis & its not just the wedding causing her to be crazy.

NYCMercedes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issue-please-tell-me-its-going-to-be-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0fffddf-7f90-47fc-ab59-d5907e193ae7Post:2bb2f71d-45e1-46b5-b7c5-ce938c011502">Re: Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother issue - please tell me it's going to be ok : Oh, yeah. I would be MAD about her not paying for her guests.  I assume you have followed up with her on that, but if not, I would do so again.  I wouldn't connect it to her dress purchase. But, you could say something like "Hey mom.  Now that the wedding is getting closer, I am going to need X dollars for the guests you added to the guest list. 
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

This is excellent advice on how to word it.