Slightly Complicated But...

SeptemberFall2011

I told a girl I know "Allie"  that I was engaged a few months after she was married and she was pissed.  Alot of what she said was dumb and hurtful so I am keeping my wedding to myself when it comes to her. 

For those who need more info-she was mad we got engaged around the time of her wedding, we had a location and date picked out, I had my dress picked out, and other wedding details under the works and she wasn't consulted.  Yes, true I was involved with her wedding because she asked me to be.  She also had to tell me how she really wanted someone else in the wedding but because I was "expecting" to be in the party she asked me.  The thing that made me change my mind about having her involved with my wedding was when she said we'd be divorced within 6 months because my fi and I were "always off and on".

My fiance (and I) really likes her husband "Noah"  and wants him to be a guest at our wedding.  (They don't know it but we wanted him involved with our wedding but due to her behavior we made changes.  Thankfully, it was early enough that no one knows except for me and the fiance and our family.) 

 I am friends with Noah's sister and the sister was able to get Noah in contact with me.  He said that he would need to speak with Allie and get back to me.  Today, she emails me asking why I was talking to her husband.  Because we are friends with your husband?

A part of me says just forget about those two and have fun with your real friends and family.  Another part of me says you're friends with the couple despite the comments she made so make peace and invite them. 

 What would you do?  What do the rules say?  

In short-Fiance and I want to invite the husband and have him as a guest but are willing to tolerate his wife to share our day with him.  How do we go about inviting him without anymore unnecessary drama?

crfische

You invite him with his wife as they are a social unit and it's rude to do otherwise, whether you only like one or the other or not.

Or you don't. But you don't get one without the other.

Wrkn925

Send an invite for them both, or neither.  You can't separate them.
Wait for a response, that's all you can do.

Trying to separate a married couple to attend your wedding is not going to work out good for you.  It will definitely not mend fences.

quotequeen

If you are planning to invite his wife anyway, then why did you need to go talk to him about it separately?  Just invite them.  No drama involved.

I must be missing something here...?

tpender13

If you're all mature enough to be getting married, you should be mature enough to act like adults around each other.

Invite them both or don't invite them at all. If they come, it probably won't be an issue, as it's not like they'll be the only guests at your wedding.

asmaruszewski

A) I don't understand why someone would be pissed if their friend got engaged..shouldn't she have been happy for you?
I don't think you need to include her in wedding prep if its becoming too much of a hassle for you/ruining the fun of the process.
C) Don't let her ruin your day, I say invite them but keep in mind that day is for you and your hubby to be and to celebrate the promise you made to each other. 

It seem to me that If she really cared, she'd have kept her comments to herself.

good luck with her...I think you have the right frame of mind to just not include her but invite them to the wedding and enjoy the time with true friends and family members!

NIKIKRUISE

Are you a fan of the "notebook"?

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:5f329c6a-0aa7-4017-a0de-1d8a593f686a">Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]I told a girl I know "Allie"  that I was engaged a few months after she was married and she was pissed.  Alot of what she said was dumb and hurtful so I am keeping my wedding to myself when it comes to her.  For those who need more info-she was mad we got engaged around the time of her wedding, we had a location and date picked out, I had my dress picked out, and other wedding details under the works and she wasn't consulted.  Yes, true I was involved with her wedding because she asked me to be.  She also had to tell me how she really wanted someone else in the wedding but because I was "expecting" to be in the party she asked me.  The thing that made me change my mind about having her involved with my wedding was when she said we'd be divorced within 6 months because my fi and I were "always off and on". My fiance (and I) really likes her husband "Noah"  and wants him to be a guest at our wedding.  (They don't know it but we wanted him involved with our wedding but due to her behavior we made changes.  Thankfully, it was early enough that no one knows except for me and the fiance and our family.)   <strong>I am friends with Noah's sister and the sister was able to get Noah in contact with me.  He said that he would need to speak with Allie and get back to me.</strong>  Today, she emails me asking why I was talking to her husband.  Because we are friends with your husband? A part of me says just forget about those two and have fun with your real friends and family.  Another part of me says you're friends with the couple despite the comments she made so make peace and invite them.   What would you do?  What do the rules say?   In short-Fiance and I want to invite the husband and have him as a guest but are willing to tolerate his wife to share our day with him.  How do we go about inviting him without anymore unnecessary drama?
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

What did he need to get back to you about? Being a guest at the wedding?

Because if you already told him you wanted him there, you can't rescind the invite now, and you should invite them both. I would also advise you not to tell anyone else they're invited - you've got 10 months before your wedding, and things change, so you don't want to get yourself locked into inviting people you might not be as close with 8 months from now.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:5f329c6a-0aa7-4017-a0de-1d8a593f686a">Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]I told a girl I know "Allie"  that I was engaged a few months after she was married and she was pissed.  Alot of what she said was dumb and hurtful so I am keeping my wedding to myself when it comes to her.  For those who need more info-she was mad we got engaged around the time of her wedding, we had a location and date picked out, I had my dress picked out, and other wedding details under the works and she wasn't consulted.  Yes, true I was involved with her wedding because she asked me to be.  She also had to tell me how she really wanted someone else in the wedding but because I was "expecting" to be in the party she asked me.  The thing that made me change my mind about having her involved with my wedding was when she said we'd be divorced within 6 months because my fi and I were "always off and on". My fiance (and I) really likes her husband "Noah"  and wants him to be a guest at our wedding.  (They don't know it but we wanted him involved with our wedding but due to her behavior we made changes.  Thankfully, it was early enough that no one knows except for me and the fiance and our family.)   I am friends with Noah's sister and the sister was able to get Noah in contact with me.  He said that he would need to speak with Allie and get back to me.  Today, she emails me asking why I was talking to her husband.  Because we are friends with your husband? A part of me says just forget about those two and have fun with your real friends and family.  Another part of me says you're friends with the couple despite the comments she made so make peace and invite them.   What would you do?  What do the rules say?   In short-Fiance and I want to invite the husband and have him as a guest but are willing to tolerate his wife to share our day with him.  How do we go about inviting him without anymore unnecessary drama?
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

You invite both or neither.  You can't split up a married couple.

As for some of the other things you mentioned, I think it was pretty shitty of this girl to get mad at you for getting engaged around the time of her wedding.  You didn't do it at her wedding, and she only gets to stake claim to one day.
But I do understand her getting pissed about how you went about contacting her H.  I would be upset too if I found out a good friend of mine called H's brother and asked him to have H call them so I wouldn't know about it.  It just seems sneaky and childish, so I think she has every right to have gotten upset over that.

asmaruszewski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:9a2e0a32-0372-4f38-8957-4b5ff2573da5">Re: Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you a fan of the "notebook"?
Posted by NIKIKRUISE[/QUOTE]

nice call..just noticed that.

mypalbabs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:5f329c6a-0aa7-4017-a0de-1d8a593f686a">Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]  How do we go about inviting him without anymore unnecessary drama?
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

If you don't want drama, just stop being dramatic. 

aleighk1

I agree with PPs. If I were invited to a wedding and FI wasn't(assuming they know we're engaged), I wouldn't go without him. We are a social unit and deserve to be treated as such.

Either invite both or invite neither.

Ghoti

As many others have said, you can't invite the husband without his wife.

It really wont be a big deal that she's there, I promise.

emilyinchile

Team, I really don't think she's asking if she can just invite one of them - she says they are willing to tolerate the wife. I think she knows it has to be both if it's anything but is wondering if it should be both or neither.

Ghoti

If it is as Emily says, I vote both. Get everything planned, send out invites at 6 weeks, then if Wife has any imput, say "Oh, that's already taken care of, thanks though!".

crfische

BUT BUT BUT, it says how do I go about inviting HIM without creating drama. I think she had a typo and meant to say they aren't willing to put up with the wife.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:5f329c6a-0aa7-4017-a0de-1d8a593f686a">Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]  In short-Fiance and I want to invite the husband and have him as a guest but are willing to tolerate his wife to share our day with him.  How do we go about inviting him without anymore unnecessary drama?
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

Emily, I kind of assumed this might be a typo, and she meant to write they want to invite the husband and have him as a guest but aren't willing to tolerate his wife to share our day with him.  It just didn't make sense how it read, and made more sense gramatically to assume the type.  Thats why I said invite both or neither.

If your post is correct as is though, I would invite them both.  I'm not really clear on what you asked the husband, whether it was if they would come, if he would come without her, or if he would be in the WP.  Your post is very confusing.  Either way though, once you mentioned something to them about being invited, you send an invite.  Even if they told you they won't come, you should still send an invite.  This is really early to be asking people if they will come, and you shouldn't do that anyways.  Its like you don't really care if they are there, and want to know if you can invite someone else instead. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:fbf3d93a-4fb6-4d62-9157-cbcbeb0e4a4d">Re: Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]BUT BUT BUT, it says how do I go about inviting HIM without creating drama. I think she had a typo and meant to say they aren't willing to put up with the wife.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Are you reading my mind today? 

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:fbf3d93a-4fb6-4d62-9157-cbcbeb0e4a4d">Re: Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]BUT BUT BUT, it says how do I go about inviting HIM without creating drama. I think she had a typo and meant to say they aren't willing to put up with the wife.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

I know. It's definitely confusing - I read it like 5 times and could still be wrong. But between saying "A part of me says just <strong>forget about those two</strong> and have fun with your real friends and family.  Another part of me says <strong>you're friends with the couple despite the comments she made so make peace and invite them</strong>" and the last part, I took it as they know it has to be both or neither, and the last part was a weird way of saying that they would be talking about the invite just with him since they're not really talking to her (although the written invitation would go to both of them).

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:673f3987-2136-4ba5-8b6e-3583f66068e9">Re: Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Slightly Complicated But... : If you don't want drama, just stop being dramatic. 
Posted by mypalbabs[/QUOTE]

This is the best advice in the whole thread.

And I think Fish is right about the typo.

vicki0508

"Allie" is mad at OP because OP got engaged at Allie's reception.  I like how she conveniently left that out of the story.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:a9f0fca9-1e7e-4867-8170-b541a014c302">Re: Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]"Allie" is mad at OP because OP got engaged at Allie's reception.  I like how she conveniently left that out of the story.
Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

Where did you get that little tidbit of information?

vicki0508

She posted about it yesterday on the Sept 2011 board.  I can't get the link to copy and paste, but its on the second page, the post about silk flowers.  It's also in her knot bio.  She keeps changing her story, apparently it wasn't at the reception, but just in the parking lot leaving the reception.  Idk.  I pasted her post below:

"Does anyone know where I can buy good quality silk flowers?  I am wanting to make a replica of the bouquet I caught the night my fiance proposed for our rehearsal.  I know it is a ways away but I wanted to get it done and out of the way.

For those wondering-yes I still have the original bouquet.  I do not want to use the one I caught because when I told the person I was engaged she threw a massive fit and nothing but bad words to say about my upcoming marriage.  I feel if I use this bouquet I will bring bad luck to the marriage.

::EDIT:: For those wondering-Yes, he asked after we left the reception and were on the way back to the hotel"

Beachy730

Eh, I don't think leaving the reception is that bad.  If it was done at the reception I would judge, and be pissed if I were that bride.  But leaving the reception is different.  At least to me.

cm42878

I cant even give any advice because I am now so confused by the whole situation. it sounds to me as if you all might enjoy the drama!

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_slightly-complicated-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1460d46-b528-40c0-97dc-3af2c2cdfc0aPost:2a8d146f-3530-4859-b420-493fd3b721f6">Re: Slightly Complicated But...</a>:
[QUOTE]I cant even give any advice because I am now so confused by the whole situation. it sounds to me as if you all might enjoy the drama!
Posted by cm42878[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" />:gasp:

SeptemberFall2011

We are closer friends with the guy than the girl at this point-that's why I talked to him.  Yes, I love the movie the Notebook-that is about as chick flicky as I get!  

We got engaged after we left the reception.  But in her eyes-we were in the parking lot of the venue therefore it was at her reception albeit being 20 or 30 yards away from the ballroom where the food and DJ was.

I do realize that they are a social unit.  Therefore-we're tolerating her.  But we want to be sure that he gets the invite as well instead of her seeing it then "hiding the invite"  she did that to another couple friend that got married a few weeks after Allie and Noah did.

Ghoti

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[QUOTE]We are closer friends with the guy than the girl at this point-that's why I talked to him.  Yes, I love the movie the Notebook-that is about as chick flicky as I get!   We got engaged after we left the reception.  But in her eyes-we were in the parking lot of the venue therefore it was at her reception albeit being 20 or 30 yards away from the ballroom where the food and DJ was. I do realize that they are a social unit.  Therefore-we're tolerating her.  But we want to be sure that he gets the invite as well instead of her seeing it then "hiding the invite"  she did that to another couple friend that got married a few weeks after Allie and Noah did.
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]


Well, just give Noah a call. But on the hiding note, I know sometimes FI doesn't want to do something so he blames it on me, (Oh, LadyFriend says I can't go out tonight, yada yada), so it could just be that.