Never break the rules. You'll regret it! (need advice too)

aurianna

Short story:
21+ wedding only.
I thought my cousin was 21 when I told him to save the date / asked for his address.
Turns out he's 20 until two months after the wedding
I had to choose to not invite him despite initiating invitation protocol or make a single exception to the 21+ rule (I'd say there are at least 20+ kids and teens who are either children of friends, children of cousins, or cousins themselves who are still not 21).
Mom begged me to uninvite. I still sent the invitation because I wanted him there and thought it the less rude option. Whoops.

Now, I've got his father mad at me because I invited his 20 year old son (and his 27 year old son and 22 year old step-son) but not his 13-year old son (who he wrote in on the RSVP card and I had to call and tell him no).

And now my FI's grandmother who RSVP'd yes decided she doesn't want to come (she's never flown before and I think she's scared). They already bought her a non-refundable plane ticket and have tried to fill the seat with someone else coming to the wedding but they couldn't find anyone. So now my FMIL told my FI who told me that his aunt wants to bring her 18-year old daughter on the plane in his GM's stead. She was not invited.

So now what? While it might have been unwise to invite the 20-year old, he was the only one on that side of the family and chances are no one else would know he wasn't 21. But a HUGE chunk of family will know that this girl isn't 21 and I'm worried it will cause bad blood.

FI was perfectly ok with with my inviting the 20-year old cousin. But now I worry, that despite his not saying so, he thinks if I get an exception, he should too.
Now it's looking like 20 year old cousin may not even come due to drama with his dad, so I'm thinking I'll tell FI's aunt that no one under 21 is coming to the reception, sorry. I'll mention that she's still welcome to come to the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony. I'll offer to pay for the ticket if she'd rather not.
Then I think GM might change her mind and decide to come. I'm really hoping so. She's my FI's only living grandparent and he was really excited she was coming.

Thoughts? Anyway for me to get out of this without messing things up more?

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_never-break-rules-youll-regret-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1be56cf-8f66-480e-b465-04d0b4592be9Post:35910711-8a92-4c31-a178-5ce5df5f0edf">Never break the rules. You'll regret it! (need advice too)</a>:
[QUOTE]so I'm thinking I'll tell FI's aunt that no one under 21 is coming, sorry. I'll offer to pay for the ticket.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

I think that's your best option.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_never-break-rules-youll-regret-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1be56cf-8f66-480e-b465-04d0b4592be9Post:35910711-8a92-4c31-a178-5ce5df5f0edf">Never break the rules. You'll regret it! (need advice too)</a>:
[QUOTE]Short story: 21+ wedding only. I thought my cousin was 21 when I told him to save the date / asked for his address. Turns out he's 20 until two months after the wedding I had to choose to not invite him despite initiating invitation protocol or make a single exception to the 21+ rule (I'd say there are at least 20+ kids and teens who are either children of friends, children of cousins, or cousins themselves who are still not 21). Mom begged me to uninvite. I still sent the invitation because I wanted him there and thought it the less rude option. Whoops. Now, I've got his father mad at me because I invited his 20 year old son (and his 27 year old son and 22 year old step-son) but not his 13-year old son (who he wrote in on the RSVP card and I had to call and tell him no). And now my FI's grandmother who RSVP'd yes decided she doesn't want to come (she's never flown before and I think she's scared). They already bought her a non-refundable plane ticket and have tried to fill the seat with someone else coming to the wedding but they couldn't find anyone. So now my FMIL told my FI who told me that his aunt wants to bring her 18-year old daughter on the plane in his GM's stead. She was not invited. So now what? While it might have been unwise to invite the 20-year old, he was the only one on that side of the family and chances are no one else would know he wasn't 21. But a HUGE chunk of family will know that this girl isn't 21 and I'm worried it will cause bad blood. FI was perfectly ok with with my inviting the 20-year old cousin. But now I worry, that despite his not saying so, he thinks if I get an exception, he should too. Now it's looking like 20 year old cousin may not even come due to drama with his dad, so I'm thinking I'll tell FI's aunt that no one under 21 is coming, sorry. I'll offer to pay for the ticket. Then I think GM might change her mind and decide to come. I'm really hoping so. She's my FI's only living grandparent and he was really excited she was coming. Thoughts? Anyway for me to get out of this without messing things up more?
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

You should have explained the situation to the non-21 year old, and apologized for the confusion, but now its too late since invites went out.  Stick to your guns.  And I wouldn't be paying for the flight.  She already paid for it, so if she wants to throw away her money just to be stubborn then let her. 

salt78

I'm curious as to why you made 21 the cut off age. You are an adult when you are 18. 

sister2groom

Who buys transferable plane tickets anymore? But I guess that's beside the point.

Well I agree you can't uninvite anyone. I'm not sure what you should do, but out of curiosity, how many guests would it add to make it 18+ instead of 21+?

arbolita

Salt, I'm guessing it's so no one has to police the bar and make sure the underage kids aren't drinking.

FutureMrsTR

It's weird that a ticket would be transferrable, but non-refundable.  Anyhoo.

Salt, everyone knows that 18-20 year olds sneak alcohol and ruin your wedding!

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_never-break-rules-youll-regret-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1be56cf-8f66-480e-b465-04d0b4592be9Post:89f87d5b-5a76-43d9-bae4-a6ecd2ab564f">Re: Never break the rules. You'll regret it! (need advice too)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Never break the rules. You'll regret it! (need advice too) :   And I wouldn't be paying for the flight.  She already paid for it, so if she wants to throw away her money just to be stubborn then let her. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

That's a really good point too but probably wouldn't go over too well.

salt78

Oh yes. I forgot about those thunder-stealing, boozehound 18-20 year olds.

Loopyseven

Can you change a name on an airline ticket?  If the name doesn't match the ID of the person flying, I doubt they'll let the 18 year old on the plane.

NatandIsaac

Wow. You made a mistake, and probably an avoidable one, but geez. You are sure getting raked over the coals for it. Is it even possible for the grandmother's ticket to be transferred to your FI's cousin? My dad tried to transfer a ticket in his name to my brother once, and the airline would not let him do it. I would be firm about the cousin, more exceptions will just aggravate the situation.

AlmostMrsStrong

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_never-break-rules-youll-regret-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1be56cf-8f66-480e-b465-04d0b4592be9Post:4dbb4379-e2b8-4072-a744-ffcb1ca2912a">Re: Never break the rules. You'll regret it! (need advice too)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm curious as to why you made 21 the cut off age. You are an adult when you are 18. 
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]


She mentioned this in another post. It's because of the booze. Which I think is kind of silly, but it's not my wedding.


Simple answer: Tell your aunt that the 18 year old can't come, and let FI's family deal with the plane ticket. It's not your responsibility to arrange travel for OOT guests, and the GM's family should have made sure that she was going before purchasing her ticket. So, don't worry about it. :)

aurianna

As far as the 21 and not 18 thing, pretty much the bar issue. FI's family has had issues with drunk teenagers at weddings before. Mom is paying and doesn't want the liability issue.
Also for headcount reasons. Our guest list is already busting at the seams.
Adding all of the 18-20s isn't an option. We're at capacity and it would be another couple of thousand.

Beachy730

I think I misread the OP.  I thought the grandma didn't want to come now because of the situation with the kids.  Is she only not coming because she is afraid to fly, and it has nothing to do with the kids?  Then that doesn't make her stubborn as I originally said, but I still don't think you should offer to pay for her flight.  If any other guests paid for a ticket but then couldn't make it or changed their minds would you reimburse them for the lost money?  I would never expect a B&G to do that for me.

aurianna

Sorry my OP was pretty much stream of consciousness.

Still not 100% her reasons for not coming (I'll find out at the shower this weekend...), but they have nothing to do with the kid rule.

I have no idea why the ticket is supposedly transferable but not refundable. That's something else I'll try to find ou this weekend.

I know I made a mistake. Hopefully I can avoid any more...

I'm optimistic that she might come if she thinks there's no one to take her place. Keep dreaming?

AlmostMrsStrong

Your wedding isn't for another couple of weeks, so hopefully grandma will change her mind.

Don't feel like you made a mistake. Obviously this cousin is important to you, so stop apologizing for it, because you'll only make yourself feel worse. You don't have to justify your guest list to anyone but your fiance (and whoever is footing the bill, obviously).

Also, stop worrying about who is going to end up on the plane. Make it clear that the 18 year old isn't invited, and then trust your aunt to be an adult. You're definitely stressing too much. Enjoy these next couple of weeks!

cherbein

You can't make everyone happy.  Politely tell the aunt no and explain that it's all 21 and over.  Take a deep breath and try to not let this ruin your wedding for you. 

TTiger03

You said your cousin will be 21 a few weeks after the wedding, tell him to pretend he's 21 if anyone (except the bartender) asks.  I doubt they will.  

Stick to your rules for everyone else.  

Talk to his grandmother and see if you can convince her to come and tell her how excited he is to have her there.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong and just made a simple mistake. - If you thought it was already 21 then chances are he carries himself in a manner mature enough for you to think he is.

As far as others threatening to not come, if you tell them you are sorry and you will miss them they will probably decide they were bluffing and come anyway.  If they aren't, then it might be best if they don't attend anyway.  Sure, it would be nice to have them there, but you can't control them, so no use in trying.

Good luck.

aurianna

Thanks for all the input/support! Things turned out a little differently than I thought though... I thought FI's aunt was going to ask me about it so I could quietly explain it's 21+ only. Nope. She just did it. Transfered the ticket (which apparently they let her do) and told me at the shower this weekend in front of other people that she and her daughter will be coming.
I didn't want to make a scene, so I guess I'm calling her this week. I'm just glad no one she said it in front of had children I wasn't inviting or that would have been even more awkward.
Fun and games.

AlmostMrsStrong

Wow, how bitchy is that?

aurianna

Oh no no. The aunt isn't bringing her 18 year old because of the 20 year old. No one knows about the 20 year old except for the small portion of my dad's family, my mom, and my FI. It just makes it harder for me to say "There is no on under 21 invited," without feeling like I'm lying. Also FI knows, so I worry he might want an exception like I had.

I don't think it was a bitchy move on his aunt's part... I found out last night from my FSIL that my FMIL suggested the substitution in the first place because she honestly thought it would be ok since this girl is an adult.

Honestly starting to consider letting it go so we don't embarass FMIL on top of everything else. WIll be talking with my mom about it today....